To expect a tiny bit of respect?

[vodkaandcaviar]

Things are a bit strained between my boyfriend and I at the moment; I'm feeling quite miserable and think the relationship is on it's last legs. Nothing major has happened, I just think we're drifting apart. We've talked about it and he wants to stay together/says he's happy. I'm still not 100% what to do so am trying to focus on just keeping things ticking over for now.

We live together and are both currently looking for work after graduating this year. I spend a large portion of my day writing covering letters, searching for jobs, editing my CV and so on whereas he spends the majority of his time playing computer games. He has had two interview offers and I have none so I guess he thinks he doesn't need to make as much effort. Outside of job applications I have a blog online which I post to daily and I like to keep in touch/meet up with friends just to keep me sane. I go somewhere, even if it's just to Sainsburys, everyday whereas he rarely leaves the flat more and once a week.

We've had issues in the past regarding cleaning the flat and whilst he has improved to an extent and is sometimes willing to be helpful, I still end up doing most of it. This is partly because I'm the one who wants to live in a clean flat. Every day I make his meals and usually bring them to him at his computer. He's thankful but when I ask him if he could take the bins out or clean the kitchen up (it's a TINY kitchen and I only want him to wipe the surfaces) he huffs and says he won't do it. I know that probably seems really petty but I do everything else for him and I think it's a bit disrespectful? He also gets really annoyed if I interrupt him from his games; just earlier I went in to ask him a genuine question about a laptop charger and he almost bit my head off. This was ten minutes after I'd cooked him a lovely meal.

I realise I probably sound like a total stuck up cow here but I'm finding his behaviour increasingly childish and don't know how to cope with it. I don't see how he can say that he wants our relationship to work and not make any effort whatsoever. To be respect is a huge part of any good relationship and I feel as though it's gone.

To me* (in the last sentence)

I am glad you realize your "relationship" is on its last legs.

He clearly does not respect you, so wont show you any respect.

How did you find mumnset by the way?

I used to work as a nanny - still do some babysitting work every now and then for families who need me. I just think you're all a great bunch of ladies with a lot more life experience than me - I hope that's okay?

Everybody is welcome here!

You don't sound like a stuck up cow, you sound like a doormat! Sorry to be harsh, but seriously, where is your self respect. Why are you allowing yourself to be (ill)-treated like a live-in housemaid? You say that the respect in your relationship has gone- it sounds like his respect for you went a long time ago and you have just realised your respect for him has vanished too. Good, the scales are beginning to fall from your eyes. At the same time as thinking about what you want from your future career, have a good think about what you want from your future relationship. Your needs and wants in that respect deserve just as much thought and attention as you give your work.

At least you are seeing the light now, before you end up having children with this lazy idiot.

You think you sound like a stuck up cow?

No.

You sound like a doormat who is just about to realise that she is not in fact a doormat, but a human being.

Stop making his meals. If he bites your head off, bite his right back. If he doesn't like it, tell him to go back to his mother.

Oh god - I never thought anyone would ever call me a 'doormat'. Recently some old friends from before I met my boyfriend (three years ago) have been in touch and it's sort of reminded me of how outgoing and confident I used to be. I wouldn't say I'm entirely timid now by any means but I do feel as though I've lost a lot of my independence in this relationship.

I feel as though he's become quite controlling since we've lived together regarding things like my eating habits. It's difficult to tell whether he's trying to be helpful or not. I thought I was the bossy one.

You're what 21, 22? Life's too short to be sitting around waiting to pick up someone else's crumbs, and I mean that literally and figuratively. Start thinking about how long you're prepared to put your life on hold for this guy- its only going to feel more suffocating when you're coming home from a days work and his most meaningful conversation is with a stranger playing Call Of Duty with him online.

He wants the relationship to 'work' because you do all the cleaning and bring his meals to him while he acts like a big kid playing computer games. Seriously, get rid.

Honestly? It sounds awful.

Don't wait for the break-up to change things, and please don't think you have to have a massive confrontation: just recalibrate things so they work better and more fairly for you. E.g.: don't take him his meals-let him know food is in the kitchen. Because you aren't his maid. Do not on any account do any of his washing for him. Start pleasing yourself, on everything from food shopping to going out in the evening. Because he is being a git.

You still are a nanny. Your charge is stuffing his face, being petulant and playing with his toys.

I'd quit if I were you.

Gosh, an outside perspective really is interesting. I've spoken with a few friends about it too. I'm by no means a lovely person 24/7 either, by the way.

I should add that since we've been looking for work he's paid part of my rent for me so it has made me keen to do more for him. He reckons I owe him £700 (since June) but I've still been paying £200 per month (rent is £290, bills another £50 each) because that's all I can afford, unfortunately. I've been selling things online in the hope of being able to pay him back asap because I hate having it hanging over me. Finding a job would also be massively helpful...I can't move out until I do.

Is it possible to go back to your family while job hunting and getting on your feet?

Oh and we got the deposit back from our old flat which covered a month's rent here minus £50 (we had £100 taken off us). And I'm paying the £20 for the internet from my account. I should really be adding this up...

I wish it was possible but my family live in Northern Ireland (very rural area, too) and I have far more chance of finding work in a city than there. I'm happy to stay here - it's where all my friends are. I'm 23 for whoever was asking.

There seems to be a certain type of man who is attracted to strong, confident, capable women. They will usually have some sort of vulnerable side, and will 'need' the help of that woman to get themselves sorted and on the right track. They will also be the type of man to subtly or not so subtly chip away at the self esteem of that woman until she has lost the ability to stand up for herself. But of course it doesn't matter, he says, that he treats her badly, because she is strong, and he has 101 reasons to excuse his behaviour.

Ring any bells? Unfortunately, it sounds like you have found one. If you stick with him, there is every chance that he could end up as the type of man you would call an abuser.

Oh yes. Sit down and really work it out. And if he wants you to do housework in return for the subsidy, let him say so outright. He can't really have you paying him back in full AND doing all the chores in lieu. The git.

If he is keeping track of how much you owe, then you should keep track of how much you spend on bills!

Right now unless there's a HUGE change in his attitude I don't think we'll last much longer. I'm a tiny bit sad about it but more worried about branching out on my own. In saying that, I do find the idea a bit exciting too. As someone who was previously very strong and independent I'm hoping that I can cope.

I wanted to sit him down and go through it - it shouldn't be too difficult because all the transactions are from the joint account. I could have online access to it myself but it's with his bank so I just left him to deal with it. I hate owing people money.

The only money aside from the £200 I pay is £20 a month for internet and I'm usually the one who picks up shopping in between ASDA shops but then he does that sometimes too so I reckon we're pretty even on that score.

I don't think I can really equate the chores to a financial value - I just wish he would contribute a little more given that he is in the flat as much, if not more, than me. I know that if I wasn't here they just wouldn't be done. He does take the cat poo out, though.

And as you seem to be working as a cook/housekeeper you need to take that into account when looking at bills.

Start looking for a different house share.

And if you do cook his meals, do not, do not deliver them to him at the computer. He either eats with you or he goes without.

There is, if you were to hire a cleaner, you would both pay the cleaner. As it is, you dont need to get a cleaner in, because you do the job of a cook, a cleaner and a housekeeper.

I would look elsewhere but at the moment £200 wouldn't cover it at all. Also, most landlords would want some proof of income and since I don't have any I'm stuck. It does make me incredibly motivated in looking for work - I'm getting so bored at home, I want to be doing something worthwhile.

I don't mind that he eats at his computer - I often watch tv when I'm eating. He sometimes comes and sits with me because, believe it or not, he still likes spending time with me but he usually complains about the crap tv I'm watching...

sorry to go back to the rent-thing; my maths isn't my strongest subject and maybe I have mis-read something....but if your total rent is £290 + £100 total for bills and you're paying £200 plus most of the food AND the £20 for the internet - he OWES you.

I agree with everyone - Time to wise up and fast. Please bear in mind - the only person you can change is yourself. Ask around friends for any possibilities of a flat share. Good luck !