To expect a tiny bit of respect?

[vodkaandcaviar]

Things are a bit strained between my boyfriend and I at the moment; I'm feeling quite miserable and think the relationship is on it's last legs. Nothing major has happened, I just think we're drifting apart. We've talked about it and he wants to stay together/says he's happy. I'm still not 100% what to do so am trying to focus on just keeping things ticking over for now.

We live together and are both currently looking for work after graduating this year. I spend a large portion of my day writing covering letters, searching for jobs, editing my CV and so on whereas he spends the majority of his time playing computer games. He has had two interview offers and I have none so I guess he thinks he doesn't need to make as much effort. Outside of job applications I have a blog online which I post to daily and I like to keep in touch/meet up with friends just to keep me sane. I go somewhere, even if it's just to Sainsburys, everyday whereas he rarely leaves the flat more and once a week.

We've had issues in the past regarding cleaning the flat and whilst he has improved to an extent and is sometimes willing to be helpful, I still end up doing most of it. This is partly because I'm the one who wants to live in a clean flat. Every day I make his meals and usually bring them to him at his computer. He's thankful but when I ask him if he could take the bins out or clean the kitchen up (it's a TINY kitchen and I only want him to wipe the surfaces) he huffs and says he won't do it. I know that probably seems really petty but I do everything else for him and I think it's a bit disrespectful? He also gets really annoyed if I interrupt him from his games; just earlier I went in to ask him a genuine question about a laptop charger and he almost bit my head off. This was ten minutes after I'd cooked him a lovely meal.

I realise I probably sound like a total stuck up cow here but I'm finding his behaviour increasingly childish and don't know how to cope with it. I don't see how he can say that he wants our relationship to work and not make any effort whatsoever. To be respect is a huge part of any good relationship and I feel as though it's gone.

Oooh, I'm 23 and from NI too! [calms down] Take it you're staying in England/Scotland/Wales long term then? Don't be beating yourself up about the money thing, your cleaning is making the place more pleasant for him which has a value in itself. If you can pay him back once you get a job and it'd make you feel better, great, do it. But you don't need to, you don't owe him anything. If you genuinely don't think it's working out now's the time to start disentangling your finances. Hope you get sorted with something soon, I unfortunately know what it's like to be a recent graduate looking for work in this job market. Try not to get disheartened

No no, we do a fortnightly shop from ASDA for most of our food - initially we were taking it in turns to pay for that from our own accounts but for the past two shops we've paid from the joint account so I need to take that into consideration when adding up how much I owe him too. I don't know where he's getting the £700+ figure from though :/

I love your username TheCraicDealer :) I'm in Scotland, yep. I feel as though I am starting to separate our finances/belongings. No idea what we're going to do about the cat :(

cross posts - sorry. To get yourself out of the flat have you thought about volunteering ? - I know it's sounds so hackneyed but if I was a potential employer I like to see recent graduates doing something other than just writing out CVs and trawling the jobs vacant.

Please read your last sentence out loud to yourself - 'he likes spending time with me' .....but then criticises my choices. That's controlling - please read the recent relationships thread on Red Flags.

I still do babysitting as and when I'm asked (usually once a week) and I work on my blog for a few hours each day. I've looked into volunteering but most places seem to want quite a few hours per week and I'm not sure I can commit to that because sending out CVs etc. seems to take so long. I also don't want to start volunteering somewhere and then have to give up when I start working. In saying that though one of the mums I babysit for runs an organisation which offers some volunteering opportunities. I studied History and they're about to commence on a funded historical project so there's some volunteering potential there. I've told her to let me know when that's going to start but she's not mentioned it since. I think it's because she knows my situation re: work.

Has he always been like this or just since he's been out of Uni? If it's been just since he's been unemployed maybe that's brought him into a bit of a depression?

If this has always been his general attitude but it's got worse now you're both off and you're noticing it more as you're spending more time with him then get out while you're not tied to him!

He's always been messy and a bit lazy but when we met he was fussy about things like washing dishes and washing his clothes. He also did more things socially both with me and with his friends.

He had a really stressful year at uni last year - we both did - and that started just after we moved in together. From my perspective I thought us being together during a stressful time would make us closer but I feel as though it's driven a wedge between us because I was upset all the time and he was sick of listening to me nagging. I do think he is somewhat depressed and he says that himself. I feel like he's expecting to feel better and for our relationship to improve when we're both working but again I think he's just waiting for something outside of us to come along and fix things. I don't know if that makes sense?

To me the trust, respect, love and affection should always be there in a good relationship? Or am I expecting too much?

We used to argue a lot but recently I've given up the fight. I've told him that I can't be bothered arguing any more.

When contempt comes in the door, love flies out the window, in my experience. And I'm sure I've read that contempt is the single biggest predictor of eventual relationship breakdown; there's been research done.

I'd cut your losses if I were you.

Just ditch him.

You will sort the money out if you really have to.

At 23 and no kids I wouldn't be wasting any time at all to try and keep it going.

Whose name is the flat in? Can't you just find a new flat share and bugger off?

Tell him to fuck off with his 700 quid as well. That sounds about right for cooking/shopping/housekeeping.

I'm just someone who hates any sort of outstanding debts. One of my best friend sometimes takes me/us drives us in her car and I'll always give her something (usually a beauty product because she doesn't buy those for herself and as a beauty blogger I have quite a lot of them around anyway!) as a thank you right away. I don't know why. I don't want to leave a relationship with anything like that hanging over me.

The flat is belongs to a friend of his parents and we've been here for almost two months now and still not sorted out a lease. I know that moving out of here won't be a huge problem when the time comes but my issue is that I don't have an income so even if I wanted to walk out now, I can't afford to. Even for a flat share I'd need a minimum of £300 per month here not including bills and council tax. Basically, I need to be working.

ARE YOU INSANE?

I was in a very similar situation when I was younger and agonised about breaking up... agonised for two years. Looking back I wish I'd done it sooner, what a waste of time all round. I too remember cleaning and cooking, like I was a 50's housewife or something whilst he.... sat at his computer and never wanted to go outside. There are much more sparky and interesting men out there.

He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

So you haven't signed a lease yet? Good - because that lets you out of having any responsibility for paying the rent if you leave. Anyone out there back me up on that one?

Did you post before about his parents planning to come and stay in the flat sometimes?

Anyway, the fact that no lease has been signed surely works in your favour. Even a scruffy house-share for a few months would be better than the current set-up. You know you've outgrown him so don't prolong it.

What money are you living off at the moment?

Can you get any other job, even part-time, while you continue your applications for your graduate job in the field you're hoping to work in?

' He doesn't go out of the flat more than once a week ' - that sounds totally ridiculous for a young, healthy person; don't you even go out for a walk or breath of fresh air? Can't he do some voluntary work. Wow, there is no way I could be with someone with so little ambition or self esteem. Get rid of him and get a life . Does he have any good points?

OP I think you probably expected to receive the comments you have seen.
This is not the right way to spend your best years and you will do better on your own until you find someone worthy of you. You do need to sort your finances of course but you can concentrate better on that when you are not tied to this loser.
Good luck.

I think you're right Power, but I don't know the laws in Scotland. However if OP hasn't signed anything I don't see what the law could say?

Are you near a major city in Scotland? This site is good if so:
www.spareroom.co.uk/

I'm happy to stay here - it's where all my friends are

Is there the option to move in with a friend? Do anyone of them have house/flat-shares with a spare room?

I think I remember you from a previous thread - did your boyfriend's mother help you find the flat through her friend but you weren't too keen as they thought it would give them rights to visit you on a regular basis when they came to your town/city for shows/theatre etc? Was that you?

not leaving the flat more than once a week, not clearing up after himself, on the computer all day even during meals - ticking all the wrong boxes.

He may sort himself out at some point but why should you wait on his learning curve? He likes the meal cooked for him but doesn't have the decency to help clear up. Not a good expectation to allow in any relationship.

It is about respect and he isn't showing you any. Move on you've got your whole life ahead of you.

ooooh just had a thought....the flat arrangement came from his parents so do you think he thinks you should do all the cooking and cleaning as it's his flat.

A very bad prospect indeed.

Yep, that we me RE the flat and his parents. And to be honest, they have been down five times in the last two months. It's not as bad as I expected but once they brought his sister to stay for two nights and she had to get our bed whilst we slept in the living room - she could have stayed with her boyfriend who lives nearby. I'm not even bothered about that anymore, it was sort of nice to have someone else around and they weren't too demanding aside from always turning things off when I was still using them and going round the flat pointing out things that needed to be repaired.

I really don't want to burden my friends. I have one friend in particular who I know will be really helpful but she lives with her boyfriend and I don't particularly want to crash in their living room. I don't know anyone who has a spare room - apart from us!

I'm living off a small amount of savings that I have (very small and almost gone tbh) whereas he has around £12k in savings. I'm not saying that he should throw it all away on paying part of my rent for me but when we agreed to move in here he knew I wouldn't be able to afford it until I was working.

I could take a part time job but I wouldn't earn enough to cover rent/council tax/bills by myself. There is a savings account in my name held by my grandparents and they have given me money from it before when I was in a pinch but I hate the idea of asking because I'm sure they want me to spend the money on a house or wedding...they recently gave my brother (only just turned 18) almost £8k of his to buy himself a car (which he subsequently crashed four days later)

I've mentioned to him before that I think it's unhealthy to stay inside all the time but he says it's too expensive to go anywhere. We've gone to the cinema a few times and we went out for dinner last week (I paid). Sometimes I just go and have a browse around the shops - I can't afford to buy anything so it's basically window shopping but I get ideas of how I can wear things I currently own etc. and it's just nice to be outside but he's not interested in that at all. He's very practical.

He does have good points, I wouldn't still be here if he didn't.

I don't think it's that he thinks I have to do all the cooking and cleaning - he just lets me do it because he can't be bothered to help most of the time and because sometimes when he does things - like making the bed, for example - he does it pretty half heartedly and I end up having to come and fix things anyway.

Things that take me two minutes take him at least ten.

You would get tax credits if you weren't earning much though. And you could claim housing benefit. If you don't want to ask your grandparents for money outright would you be happy asking them for a loan till you get on your feet?

I think getting away from your bf should be a priority for you.

I could...but I'd still feel horrible for asking if I wasn't working yet. I've been thinking that once I do have a job I could potentially ask for a loan of some of the money to get deposits/first months rent for a new place because once I start getting paid I'd be in a position to pay it back. I have a student overdraft and student loans to pay back too.

I hate taking money that I haven't earned, you know?