To expect a tiny bit of respect?

[vodkaandcaviar]

Things are a bit strained between my boyfriend and I at the moment; I'm feeling quite miserable and think the relationship is on it's last legs. Nothing major has happened, I just think we're drifting apart. We've talked about it and he wants to stay together/says he's happy. I'm still not 100% what to do so am trying to focus on just keeping things ticking over for now.

We live together and are both currently looking for work after graduating this year. I spend a large portion of my day writing covering letters, searching for jobs, editing my CV and so on whereas he spends the majority of his time playing computer games. He has had two interview offers and I have none so I guess he thinks he doesn't need to make as much effort. Outside of job applications I have a blog online which I post to daily and I like to keep in touch/meet up with friends just to keep me sane. I go somewhere, even if it's just to Sainsburys, everyday whereas he rarely leaves the flat more and once a week.

We've had issues in the past regarding cleaning the flat and whilst he has improved to an extent and is sometimes willing to be helpful, I still end up doing most of it. This is partly because I'm the one who wants to live in a clean flat. Every day I make his meals and usually bring them to him at his computer. He's thankful but when I ask him if he could take the bins out or clean the kitchen up (it's a TINY kitchen and I only want him to wipe the surfaces) he huffs and says he won't do it. I know that probably seems really petty but I do everything else for him and I think it's a bit disrespectful? He also gets really annoyed if I interrupt him from his games; just earlier I went in to ask him a genuine question about a laptop charger and he almost bit my head off. This was ten minutes after I'd cooked him a lovely meal.

I realise I probably sound like a total stuck up cow here but I'm finding his behaviour increasingly childish and don't know how to cope with it. I don't see how he can say that he wants our relationship to work and not make any effort whatsoever. To be respect is a huge part of any good relationship and I feel as though it's gone.

If he lives with you, of course he should be paying some of the rent. But honestly, kick him out. At the very least, stop taking his meals to the computer. Does he pay for his electricity consumption???

I don't know anyone who has a spare room - apart from us!

I know the reason you took this flat was to keep his mum happy but you don't need two bedrooms! You only ever needed a one bedroom flat = lower rent.

However, I'm definitely not going to suggest you move to a smaller flat with him!

There must be flat shares in your area that would be cheaper than renting a whole place to yourself?

And re. work have you also applied for supermarkets, call centres, cleaning, packing etc? It's approaching Christmas so lots of places will be looking for seasonal staff. Don't let your only focus be looking for work in your chosen field.

Oh, and volunteering would be more sociable and look more attractive to potential employers than spending hours on your blog every day.

jkklpu - he does pay rent, more than half of the rent because I can't afford to at the moment.

Numberlock - we're only paying £5 more a month than we were in our old one bed flat but it's not in as nice an area so I guess that's the trade off. Floorspace wise this flat is about the same size as our old one, it just has a different layout. There are flatshares which would cost around about £300 per month not including bills and council tax. I have left my CV in a number of retail stores (have previous experience) but I will get in touch again to ask about seasonal work - I hadn't thought of that. Thank you.

To be honest, you are 23, you have graduated from Uni, neither you nor you boyfriend work, but sit at home all day, that is not very pro active!

I know you did not ask for career advice, but it seems you cannot move out, and on with your life until you have a job.

You cannot let not having a job, and what to do if and when you DO get a job be a reason to sit idle! If you are churning out massive amounts of CVs, and spending a lot of time doing this, and not been on any interviews, maybe you are not going about it the right way?

3 hours a day working on your blog? Come on! For what? Nobody is going to employ you on the basis of sitting on your blog several hours per day!

So your field is history, are you looking for a job in "history" straight from UNI?
I think academic jobs are gold dust, and you need to either have a postgraduate degree, done serious volunteering in your field, or be prepared to do teacher training to be able to use your degree specifically. (I did BA Ancient world degree, followed by an MA Classics)

Are there not lots of Graduate schemes you can apply for?
Are you reading special interest trade press magazines, which keep you updated with what happens in your field, and with jobs advertised?

When I had graduated (long ago admittedly) there were really just 3 ways to go:

1. Graduate schemes (many of my friends who are now high earners and send their kids to private schools started off on Ernst & Young, or PriceWaterhouseCooper graduate schemes)
2. Volunteering to get experience within a chosen field
3. Registering with Recruitment agencies for temporary work placements and supply staff placements (yes, it means ringing every day and find out if they have temp work, and be prepared to take on 1 or 2 day, or 3 week, 3 month assignments) Eventually as you build up a history, you get more work, more experience, and they also put you forward for permanent positions. (This worked for me, I got some fab temping assignments, mostly in the advertising and pr sector, on the basis of my skill sets which were centered around computers and graphics design. I worked pretty much every day until I got my full time job offer with a very exciting company, and upwards from there)

I guess these days you also have the option of online applications and recruitment websites.

But, I really dont understand your attitude. Sitting at home writing CVs and working on your blog? You need to get out there, see recruitment agencies and consultants, whip your cv into shape by the help of professionals, sign up for temporary work placements, do voluntary work, but most of all, dont think jobs will land in your lap!

Good luck.

Listen to the wise women here Vodka, really listen to them. Quint has it nailed - get yourself out there, take any work you can, and slowly but surely build yourself a future. Because you certainly don't have one sitting around with this chump, my lovely. It may have been blunt but you sound as if you need some solid step by step advice, and I think her's is very good indeed

How much would a room in a shared house cost? That's what people used to expect to be able to afford fresh out of university and your local listings paper or magazine should have some. I agree that within a month or two places will be recruiting seasonal staff for Christmas and that could get you several months of work experience and income under your belt.

Even my cousin who graduate 3 years ago and now has worked full time in Intelligence (politics and economics graduate) rents a room in a shared house, he does not have any ambition to sit in a swanky 1 (let alone 2!) bed flat.

Dont live beyond your means! You need to lower your expectations and increase your efforts.

Thank you Quint. I'm looking for work in marketing/PR/social media - training/graduate/assistant/admin type jobs with those sorts of companies. Hence the need to spend time on my blog - most of the jobs I've applied for involve updating online social networks so I need to show that I can do that myself. I would love to be in a position to take on an internship but I have no money so it's just not an option. I have worked with PR agencies via my blog and gained a useful insight from them.

So, no, I'm not looking for a History related career - that'd be crazy right now, really. I see a careers adviser at university and I'm signed up to every job/graduate/marketing/PR/social media website and newsletter going. When I said I spend hours applying for jobs - that includes time spent researching roles and options. It seems as though half the jobs available to me right now are recruitment consultant positions (oh the irony!) and that's really not something I want to do.

I remember your last thread. This is beginning to sound a bit like a family with miser issues. Not that one should throw one's money around, but they sound grudging and not very considerate.

Now, why did you pay for dinner? You're struggling, he has a lot in savings. Why? Is it because you wanted to have dinner out and he would never have been prepared to do it if he had to pay all or half? Bad sign if so.

It's all very worrying, OP. Please start looking after number one and really thinking about what you need to survive. I know you say you can't afford to live elsewhere, but it strikes me (as it did on the other thread) that being in this flat is going to make you dependent, unhappy and at risk of making bad decisions. Could your grandparents or parents put you up for a while?

You may have to do it to get yourself out of this flat and into a new flat share. Not wanting to might not be an option - we all have to do things we don't want to sometimes, and giving up the opportunity of paid work because you don't like the position is cutting off your nose to spite your face right now (god I'm turning into my mother!). It doesn't have to be permanent, it just has to pay.

I have left my CV in a number of retail stores (have previous experience) but I will get in touch again to ask about seasonal work

Good idea to get in touch, you can't rely on them to dig out your CV when they need someone, you need to be proactive.

• Get round all the supermarkets, ask at the Customer Services desk how you apply for Christmas shifts or look on the website and follow it up with a phone call.

• Do the same with all the high street stores who will be taking on extra staff - Boots, WHSmiths, John Lewis etc etc.

• Make appointments with all the local recruitment consultants and employment agencies for face-to-face registration of your CV. Ask for honest feedback on your CV (I'd be happy to have a look and give you some feedback, obviously remove all personal details) and covering letters. Tell them your ideal job but that you will consider anything in the meantime.

• Phone the companies that have call centres in your area, this work has a high turnover of stuff so they often need staff at short notice.

• Are there any market research companies (business-to-business or business-to-customer), again opportunities for short-term contracts.

• Any companies with distribution and packing centres that will have seasonal work available eg Amazon

• Go through every job section in every paper (use the library to avoid spending a fortune) - try the nationals (Times, Guardian etc) and also the local papers.

Make this your focus. Your boyfriend is draining your energy and preventing you from concentrating on what should be your main goal - getting paid work, in any field.

Thank you Numberlock - I really appreciate your advice.

Agency or inhouse Vodka?

3 hours on your blog is still too long. Once your blog is up and running, updating it should not take that long, even when adding twitter, linkedin and facebook into the equation.

The area you are planning on entering, is notoriously hard to get into, it was then, and it still is. Most people dont head straight into marketing, they get there through getting more general experience in a field first. Unless they have done a marketing degree, and even then it is hard.

Social media is a buzz word, but at the end of the day, still just a tool to reach a number of consumers in order to sell an idea, a brand or a product.

I'm looking for work in marketing/PR/social media

Extend your options with regard to this type of work. Most companies have a marketing department, you may just have to get there via a circuitous route.

Eg. I am now Director of Operations in a German multi-national and this includes all of the aspects that you want to work in. However, after graduating, I started off as a bi-lingual secretary, progressed into customer service roles and finally became Customer Service and Marketing Manager at the age of 29, ie 7 years after graduating but with a lot of experience along the way in various parts of the organisation.

You never know what opportunities might come along within a company, however unrelated the role you start off in.

I've applied for positions in marketing departments of larger companies, yes. I realise that it's a difficult industry to get into.

I've just received an email advertising a job fair for seasonal work - it's next week and I'll be going.

Can I ask something though - if I were to get a job in a department store, for example, and kept looking for work in my chosen field, can I leave?

of course you can! You might have to give notice, but most new employers understand that you might have to work a notice period in your current job, and set a start date a month or so into the future.

My brother is the UK marketing manager for a European company, responsible among many other things for their presence at trade shows and online presence via social media. He started out in telesales, cold-calling prospects (although, to be fair, he hated cold-calling consumers and from quite early on moved into business-to-business telesales, in the industry sector his current company works in).

You might also consider looking at smaller companies, and charities. Lots of inventive marketing effort on low budgets, where you can learn a lot working part of a marketing and fund raising team. They dont get that many applicants to junior roles, due to lack of popularity among new graduates (no real buzz!) and lower pay than in the private sector.

You may however find that you learn a lot! Even just starting out in a rather minor admin role, and progressing into marketing from there!

If you should market anything, you need to know the product/idea!

Another thing, you need to market yourself.....

vodkaandcaviar - if you are looking for some work in the interim as a recent graduate and previous nanny I would suggest tutoring. I do this in my spare time through a website and will pm you the name (as i don't think i'm allowed to post it here). If you get a couple of students in the evenings this will help you to earn a little money just now until you find a career job.

He started out in telesales, cold-calling prospects

Excellent experience that will stand anybody in good stead, if you can cope with this job, you can cope with anything! Agree on the business-to-business being a preferred option too.

Hi OP, I do get a sense of you being overly conciliatory to this rather selfish young man. Do you challenge him when he disrespects you, or are you frightened it will end up in a confontation? Its an age-old thing though, women surpressing their anger when they're disrespected , and so the disrespect continues ... If he doesn't change (and sounds unlikely) why not get a more pleasant flatmate and put your energies into more positive things?

Glad you're getting good career advice here though, and sounds like you are very active in pursuing your goals. (though I do have a question - is there a specific purpose for spending those hours blogging, is it a career thing?)

I really appreciate all of this advice ladies - I will broaden my search a bit, I think.

I apologise if I do seem a bit apathetic - I'm really not but I guess the relationship issues were draining me a bit. I've felt a lot more focused since I started thinking about leaving.

janelikesjam: If he refuses to do something I usually respond saying that I did x, y and z so he should do it to help me out. I used to get upset about it but now I just roll my eyes. It's not as though I feel I can't say anything - I just can't be bothered with the arguments. As for the blogging, 2 hours is just an estimate. I post something daily and promote it on twitter/facebook. I also interact with other bloggers and have attended blogger meet ups/events as well as contributing to a collaboration blog. It's basically my hobby - I don't watch a lot of tv or anything like that.

Thank you to whoever mentioned tutoring - I will look into that. I'm not sure how many people would want a History tutor but my subsiduary subjects were Economics and English Literature so those are also options.

Broaden your search and them move out when you have a new job elsewhere? Tell him that you can't live with someone who takes takes takes and rarely gives.

In the meantime, cook every other day (he can cook the days in between) and put his meal on the table so you can eat together. Ask him to pay for a cleaner to do his share of the housework.