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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to ask for more maintence for my dd?

109 replies

Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 19:41

Hi am posting this here as it gets quite a bit of traffic.
Dp, now ex dp, have lived apart for the last year but we were still in a relationship, it was just our way of havign time to sort things out, anyway as we were sorting things out and he was puttign money into days out and holidays etc I was only asking for £50 a month. Anyway a week and a half ago i got a text from him saying it wasnt working and it was over (since found out he has been seeing someone else for at least a month!!). Seeing as he wont be putting into other things I feel he should be giving me more but he feels as he pays the £100 childcare and me the £50 a month he shouldnt have to give me anymore!!!

Am I unreasonable to want to ask for more for his dd?
(FOrgot to add he never has her over night either).

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:39

No his friend isnt there when he is, it is when we are both at work that his friend does it so sometimes it is only 12 afternoons in a whole month, his Dad does before school when he or I cant.

I work 34 hours a week, four days a week, 8 till 530.

Thank you Socknickingpixie. that is exactly it, before we split last week, although he didnt live here it worked well and i didnt worry about the money as he was putting in in other ways like paying for us to go on holiday etc, but obviously this wont be happening anymore. He doesnt have dd anywhere but here as his place isnt suitable so no addition costs. He never has her overnight and apart from today coming to tell her we were over he has only been seeign her for childcare!

OP posts:
HauntedLittleLunatic · 16/09/2012 21:39

Ok.

I have just calculated what he would earn if he works 2/3 of the year (which will be an over estimate as it doesn't account for annual leave). I get in the region of £22. He will have about 20% deducted for tax and national insurance.

He should then be paying 15% of what's left which comes out as about £220 per calendar month. This will be an overestimate as his earnings will be a little lower due to annual leave, and I have probably underestimated tax.

Does he have her overnight at all? If so that will reduce his liability too.

I don't think £150 is a million miles out but I wouldn't be happy with the childcare arrangement which frankly is confusing me. He is paying

SundaysGirl · 16/09/2012 21:40

Also as far as I'm aware CSA doesn't just take into account 15%, they ask about how many nights the child stays with the non-residential parent and other questions which change the figure.

crackcrackcrak · 16/09/2012 21:40

Thekidsrule- well done you Grin ex was bang to rights. Glad you and your ds are a bit better off now and it was worth it

HauntedLittleLunatic · 16/09/2012 21:41

Hit post by mistake.

He shouldn't be paying himself to provide childcare for his own dd.
And I think it is illegal to pay someone that isn't registered.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:44

crackcrack we are still using the 3 month timetable, well when he doesnt oversleep and fail to come and take her to school as he did at the beginning of the week!!However another story, but I am no longer comfortable with him being here with her and dont know how much I can trust his friend.

thanks The enthusaticTroll,he has agreed to using holiday for childcare as that would probably be when he took her away if he did.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/09/2012 21:45

It's not illegal to pay for childcare in the child's own home.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:45

ok i think my first port of call is to speak to work when i am in tomorrow and see if anytihng can be done about my hours so i dont need so much childcare and take it from there so I can have a clear plan in place for when he comes to talk on Thursday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:47

That is exactly why it was in dd's own home OldLadyKnowsnothing as i looked into it all as didnt want to do anything illegal.

OP posts:
crackcrackcrak · 16/09/2012 21:48

There's a few different issues here. If you don't want him alone in your house that is your right to say no, whatever the circs. I rally think you should investigate formal childcare options for your dd.

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 21:48

sunday the csa start off at 15% for 1 child from income any nights he has the dc as long as its more than 52 decrease what he pays as do any other children he lives with. for one child its not going to be more than 15%

and haunted dont be silly ofcourse its not illegal

thekidsrule · 16/09/2012 21:54

crackcrackcrak

thank you

mn gave me the push i really needed,i really thought to much about it feeling like i was being unfair cos he made me feel bad about it

do i hell feel bad now,NO Grin

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:54

He doesnt have her overnight at all and he doesnt pay himself to have his dd for childcare arrangements.

It isnt illegal as it is in the child's own home as classed as babysitting. I looked into it deeply when we first arranged everything as didnt want to do anything illegal.

OP posts:
HauntedLittleLunatic · 16/09/2012 21:57

I wasn't being silly.

2 people on this thread have implied it is illegal outside the child's own home

There was a big hoo haa a few years ago when the law changed and it became illegal for someone who isn't registered to regularly look after a child. This includes a friend who regularly collects your dcs from school for example. I wasn't sure if the law had been changed again tho.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/09/2012 21:58

Outside the child's home, yes, paid carers need to be registered. But that's not the issue here.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 22:00

i know you werent being silly Haunted as I too thought the same but I contacted ofsted and was told that as long as it is on child's own house it is classed as babysitting so is ok. However this is just what I was told. Am still reconsidering all childcare though.

ANyway I have to go to bed as got to get up early tomorrow for work. Will have a chat with my boss tomorrow and then check back in tomorrow night.

Thanks to everyone for your advice, hopefully with all your opinions I will be able to have something in place to put to dd's dad on Thursday.

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 22:05

haunted no offence intended at all, i unreservedly apoligise for using that stupid expression.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 16/09/2012 22:26

Thats OK. I did say I think so I would have accepted what I said wasn't accurate.

I didn't like being called silly tho...but appology accepted :)

Kiss and make up?

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 23:01

apsolutly, your gracious and i am a twat sometimes but its decidely my bad.

heres a x and a Wine

Original poster
Foxy800 · 17/09/2012 19:39

Ok well I have spoken to work today to see about rejuggling my hours, my boss is going to get in touch with the people higher up than her and let me know so i think on Thursday I am going to say to him we will stick to current arrangement but when I have reworked childcare then i want the whole £150 paying to me, if he isnt happy with this I will go to CSA.

How does this sound? reasonable or not?

OP posts:
CouthyMowWearingOrange · 17/09/2012 20:33

Perfectly reasonable. But then I am one of these people who holds no trick with Ex's that won't pay proper maintenance towards their DC's.

For information - on an income of £16,800 pa, my Ex was paying £33 a week maintenance for one DC. He never paid a penny towards childcare though, as there is nothing legally that makes him take a responsibility for childcare costs. Even though I fully believe there should be, but that's another thread...

Original poster
Foxy800 · 17/09/2012 20:37

Thank you for your reply. I just want to make sure that dd is provided for. I am trying to change working hours so I do the same number of hours possibly less but changing when I work them so i dont need childcare or need less so therefore wouldnt need him to pay for it but could then use the whole of the money for things for dd.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 17/09/2012 20:39

The other reason for rejuggling childcare is it means i can get his keys back, his friends keys back and his Mum and Stepmum's sets back.

OP posts:
crackcrackcrak · 17/09/2012 20:41

I think you are perfectly reasonable. The childcare thing shouldn't really come in to it - he should be paying you maintenance as the RP for you to spend on whatever is required for dd unless he will make specific purchases on your behalf but you don't have to agree to that. The system in place in the uk is a cash payment and you gave the right to ask for that.
If your work change your hours and you no linger need childcare he still owes you 15% of his income.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 17/09/2012 20:58

Am currently in the process of reassessing my hours with my boss to see if I can just do school hours with the possiblity of 2 days after school care but am fine with that as tax credits can help with the cost of them or see if i can lose a couple of hours and just work school hours, tax credits will hopefully make up the difference then I can use the maintence of £150 for what she needs instead. Will however have to work holidays but should be ok as I can use holiday to cover some of these as can her Dad then will just work the rest out if there are any.

I just cant get her what she needs on the current £50 a month plus the childcare. Would rather cut out the childcare or at least cut it out. My dd is not missing out cause her Dad is a jerk!!!!

OP posts: