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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Want to ask for more maintence for my dd?

109 replies

Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 19:41

Hi am posting this here as it gets quite a bit of traffic.
Dp, now ex dp, have lived apart for the last year but we were still in a relationship, it was just our way of havign time to sort things out, anyway as we were sorting things out and he was puttign money into days out and holidays etc I was only asking for £50 a month. Anyway a week and a half ago i got a text from him saying it wasnt working and it was over (since found out he has been seeing someone else for at least a month!!). Seeing as he wont be putting into other things I feel he should be giving me more but he feels as he pays the £100 childcare and me the £50 a month he shouldnt have to give me anymore!!!

Am I unreasonable to want to ask for more for his dd?
(FOrgot to add he never has her over night either).

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 21:07

not if they dont live togather but if hes the nasty type he may be quicker to move in with her knowing it lowers what he has to pay.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:08

I dont get student maintence as it is an open uni course.

I have just recalculated on what I think he earns and it is coming up at £45 a week so £180 a month.

I dont know how they work it so no it isnt straightforward which is what is making this so hard. They dont have a large block of time off, it is simply 3 days on, 3 night on then 3 days off so it isnt eay to work out his monthly imcome.

OP posts:

WildWorld2004 · 16/09/2012 21:10

I worked it out by doing 72 hours one week & 36 the next although previous poster stated this may not be the hours every week. My calculations came up that he should be paying about £60 a week.

If u want to know whether he should be paying more just do it through the csa. No one on here can really help you.

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 21:11

but you would get that actually in your hand and get to choose how its spent rather than have him decide and choose who does childcare

Original poster

Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:13

I dont know what he will do as he is adamant he cant afford more than what I get already.

At the moment I am very tempted to say that I will change the child care arrangements to using the after school club but for all four days as I think it will be confusing to use it for three sessions one week then only one the following and he will have to arrange to see her at other times as it is only really childcare he is seeing her at the moment, I will then talk to housing benfit and tax credits to pay for this and ask that he gives me the £150 direct for his dd.

THen in the school holidays I will use holiday or he will have to? My only worry then will be if dd is ill but I am sure that can be worked out.

Does this sound fair?

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:14

I know noone on here can give me actual answers, was just after opinions really. So I can get an idea of what to do on Thursday.

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 21:20

to start with you cant really ask him to take days off work if he is paying the correct ammount. and if he cant afford 15% of his income to provide for his child then he is doing something very wrong and his prioritys are fucked up.

it may be worth showing him the csa calculator so he also knows what they would expect him to pay and see where he goes from there.

nextphase · 16/09/2012 21:20

Ok, I worked it out, and I could be wrong, as

He works 72 hrs in each 9 day block (6*12)
There are (just over) 40 blocks of 9 days in a year.

At £7.80/hr, he earns (7.87240) = £22,500

So, if maintaince is calculated as 15% of income, it comes to £280/month.

If that is the CSA guidance, its a good figure to start with.

HTH, and please, anyone who knows better, correct my maths!

Kayano · 16/09/2012 21:20

I think you are making life a lot more complicated than it need be. Is your child settled with the existing childcare?

I'm not sure of your motives for changing childcare tbh you've been happy with it til now when he pointed out he pays for that

Kayano · 16/09/2012 21:22

What's the difference if he gives you the childcare money or if he pays the hold care direct.

It's for your DDs care, it shouldn't make a difference

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 21:23

kayano she did say much earlyer she isant sure she can trust the woman who does childcare and by the sounds of it she is just his mate who he bungs a few quid to

crackcrackcrak · 16/09/2012 21:26

Write him a proposal for Thursday based in what you know and ask him to negotiate otherwise go to the Csa.

IMO you are being ripped off somehow. If you work 16+ hours a week you should be able to get 70% of your childcare costs back. Look at cm they are usually cheaper than group care. How old is your child?

My wtc pays for all but £10 per week of my childcare. Salary pays rent and bills and ctc/maintenance pays for everything else. I could manage without the £500 a month maintenance but that's not the point - exp is her father and has to contribute no matter what. He only pays the bare minimum from his earnings btw, if this amount seems a lot - dd wasn't worth any more to him

Kayano · 16/09/2012 21:26

But surely it could have been addressed a lot sooner. She's only decided its not on now because of the money situation it seems.

Why not arrange a meeting with her and see what she does with your dd

Does your dd like her and is she settled, why do you not trust her?

If I still wasn't sure then I would say 'ofsted registered or gtfo'

purplewithred · 16/09/2012 21:29

It's likely he works an average of 37.5 hrs/week over 52 weeks a year = about £15,000. After tax he will get about £1070 per month. Maintenance for your dd will be 15% of this = £160/month. CSA calculator says £38/week or thereabouts for a weekly take home income of £250. So he's paying about the right amount now.

SundaysGirl · 16/09/2012 21:29

If there are childcare costs I presume you are working OP? So why are you not claiming the childcare element of working tax credit? Or are you?

I get precisely ZERO from my ex and work part time and claim tax credits and HB and I manage to provide nicely for my son. My ex is on a low income and does use money to care for our child when he is there so I just use the money I claim for OUR son like Child Benefit and Tax Credits to go towards our son. Money he does not get and cannot access when our son is with him.

£150 seems like a lot for someone on £7.80 per hour.

crackcrackcrak · 16/09/2012 21:30

Sorry but he's mugging you off somehow with this childcare arrangement. As I can work this out he pays a friend to watch dd before and after school and this allegedly costs £100 a month?
I think you should investigate other options for childcare - ask the school or other mums or local children's centre for ideas. What about reciprocal care? Is there an afte school club?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/09/2012 21:30

The childcare arrangement sounds very dodgy. Is he basically paying his friend to keep him company when he spends time with his own child?

I don't get it.

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 21:31

from the sounds of it they only recently broke up propally thats probally why its not been done sooner. its not on because she dosnt get the choice she dosnt know what it costs and the childcarer with holds this info from her then goes behind her back to phone her ex and say shes been asking thus causeing strife.

all things that would be a huge problem for lots of people.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:31

i was happy with it and it suited us but i now dont know how much i can trust her, she is his friend and i had to text her and ask her something and the first thing she did was call him which then prompted a call to me which was the firt one since tuesday and this was friday. It doesnt bother me him paying friend direct as long as he is. It just worries me alittle, not that i really disciss things with her but if she is in my house and has a set of keys which at present so does he. If I change childcare then I can get the keys back from both for a start. His mum and step mum also have keys and I am debating whether to take theirs back too.

And I wouldnt be asking him to take days off. Before we split we had a three month timetable in place where we put who is taking her to school and collecting her and we had agreed that we would share holiday childcare and each take time off as holiday to do so. When we split he said this would stay in place.

OP posts:

crackcrackcrak · 16/09/2012 21:32

And if he's available during those times why can't he look after dd for you for nothing as part of his contact with her?

crackcrackcrak · 16/09/2012 21:33

The 3 month timetable sounds much more organised - can you ask him to revert to that?

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/09/2012 21:36

I dont agree kayano, that she has decided based on the money, I think she has decided based on the fact that her and ep have now ended, the babysitter is His friend looking after the DD in her house, I dont know many people who would be comfertable with this either.

If I where in OPs sheos I would be enroling my dd is proper registared child care and claiming the support I needed and not being holden to exp and his friend to provide the childcare.

OP, my advice would be not to expect exp to take holidat to look after dd in the hols, realisticly this could work and Im sure many men do, but I just would not rely on him for childcare if there is a risk things could get bitteer. I never ask my exp to share childcare, i claim what financial support is availible.

WTC and childcare should be able to work for you. with 150 from exp, if you have any debts that you will struggle with that affects your out goings then talk with CAB of consumer credit counceling service for debt advice. not suggesting you do but that is normaly what affects peoples out goings after all the essential calculations are worked out.

thekidsrule · 16/09/2012 21:37

my son is 5yrs old his father has seen him twice

never pursued maintance till this year (he has never offered) and has never wanted to be involved anyway asked him for 20week he pleaded poverty,

he even said if he paid me 20 he wouldnt be able to eat,i said go to a food bank and stop buying motorbikes and cars,i had no idea what money he cleared

asked mn if i should and they all said yes which gave me the courage to pursue him

so went to csa and he denied our son was his so done a dna,guess what our sons his,lol

anyway the csa worked out that on take home pay of £498 a week he now has to pay £73.00 a week,and so far hes coughed up last 2 months

and with this my son has had a fantastic 6week school holiday with this money,its made a real differene

he should of took the offer of £20 a week i would of been happy with that

i wish you much luck

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/09/2012 21:38

yy get all keys back, of those people needs a key to your home.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/09/2012 21:38

none of..

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