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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to ask for more maintence for my dd?

109 replies

Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 19:41

Hi am posting this here as it gets quite a bit of traffic.
Dp, now ex dp, have lived apart for the last year but we were still in a relationship, it was just our way of havign time to sort things out, anyway as we were sorting things out and he was puttign money into days out and holidays etc I was only asking for £50 a month. Anyway a week and a half ago i got a text from him saying it wasnt working and it was over (since found out he has been seeing someone else for at least a month!!). Seeing as he wont be putting into other things I feel he should be giving me more but he feels as he pays the £100 childcare and me the £50 a month he shouldnt have to give me anymore!!!

Am I unreasonable to want to ask for more for his dd?
(FOrgot to add he never has her over night either).

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:35

Also i dont see the childcare money so dont even know honestly if that is what he is paying.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 16/09/2012 20:37

Socknickingoixie, i never said they should affect maintainence but the op makes out that all costs should fall to the nrp without any costs from herself. Child benefit and tax credits are paid for the childrens needs so with those plus the £150 fromeach parent a month there is more than enough to cover a childs costs.

The ex should pay the min csa but that doesnt mean the RP shouldnt pay anything.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:39

I cant afford a lawyer. I am having a talk with him on thursday but if i dont get anywhere I will have no choice but to go through the CSA which I dont want to, but I wont have his dd missing out, because of him.

Im just trying to work out a realistic amount to ask him for before I talk to him on Thurday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:41

That is not what I am saying at all happy, I work and get child benefit and tax credits which are all used for the bills, food etc and cover everything. What I am saying is I want a reasonable amount of maintence so if she needs something she doesnt have to go without. My wages and bills cover all living costs, the maintence doesnt toouch this apart, The maintence is used for childcare, which I dont see and then for things she needs like clothes.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/09/2012 20:42

I would place your dd in regisatred child care and make a claim through tax crdits (if you are eligable to claim working tax credits on your own working hours etc) and request he pays you £150. I would not be happy with these childcare arrangements for a start.

qo · 16/09/2012 20:42

I get £150 a month for one 11 year old dd, however - dad does pay half on any extras such as residential trips and uniform etc

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:42

I would never expect him to cover the bills for a house he doesnt live in and if it wasnt for his dd I wouldnt have anything to do with him right now!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:44

I just feel that I know he pays the childcare, but all the childcare takes place in my house including when he has her so that is my electric and heating etc and it all mounts up.

And like i say and the most important thing for me is that she never has to go without anything.It is not her fault her dad has found another woman and no longer wants to be with me.

OP posts:
GoldShip · 16/09/2012 20:44

He works 72 hours a week?! Fuck me I bet he's knackered.

To be honest I can't give a proper opinion on this because the numbers you've given are a bit dodgy.

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 20:45

op do you mean he works 72 hours one week and 36 the next then 72 then 36 and so on?

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 20:47

the op has at no time said he should pay for everything and its rather telling that you think she did

MoomieAndFreddie · 16/09/2012 20:48

Depends on his income, but yanbu, he should pay the going rate

I'm currently in a similar dilemma so reading this thread with interest.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:48

Unfortunatley I have looked into registered childcare and making a claim through tax credits but it wouldnt cover enough and I have nothing left to make up the differnece. As that was my thinking too TheEnthusaticTroll.

I am currently looking at changing my hours at work so i can be there before and after school but this will probably mean leaving the role I am in and a major drop in wages but that way i can ask him to pay the £150 directly to me for dd.

OP posts:
InTheNightGarden · 16/09/2012 20:49

my ex dp earns around 1100 a month and pays 150 maintainence a month, although only sees dd through contact centre twice a month coz he's an idiot!!!

thepeoplesprincess · 16/09/2012 20:50

Dude, don't make this about your bitterness at being dumped.

It's perfectly understandable that you want to put his balls through a mincer, but try to separate your own feelings from sorting out a reasonable co parenting situation.

Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 20:50

so he pays himself and his friend to babysit at your house????

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:51

in what way are the numbers dodgy? But looking at it yes I suppose yes one week it would be 72 hours then the next 36 then 72 then 36. Which in that case means my calculations would be wrong on Csa, will go and have another look now. He also gets paid 2 weekly, will this make a difference?

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/09/2012 20:53

hmm tax credits pay 75% a chilminder (or after swchool club if availible) i would imagine should be managable for you, if he gives you the £150 surely. I think you need to do to the maths again. It would most certainly always be better financialy to work and claim 75% of childcare than give up work.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:54

He doesnt pay himself no but he pays his friend to babysit at my house yes. And she often ends up doing more than him.

And it isnt about what he did to me, as I said if it wasnt for dd I wouldnt have anything to do with him but she has a right to be provided for and I am just trying to work out before talking to him what is a reasonable amount.

If I wanted to be bitter with him, he wouldnt have anything to do with either of us but I know that isnt in dd's best interests. He saw her earleir today nad I was all friendly with him for her sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 20:56

I have no intention to give up work, I am 3 yrs into a uni course which I would have to give up if I gave up work.Just trying to work out what is best in all ways.

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 16/09/2012 20:57

it shouldnt make a difference.things to be aware of that could,are there any kids in the shared house? if so he could use them to lower his liability.

tax credits pay up to 75% of childcare if you recive any housing benefit they automaticly protect 100% of what childcare costs as long as its within the figures they accept for your area. so your hb will go up by the remaining 25%.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/09/2012 21:01

do you qualify for any student maintanence etc as they pay 80% child care.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 16/09/2012 21:01

There are no children in the shared house but his girlfriend has a child but he doesnt live with them, can he use that.

And I didnt know that about housing benefit so thanks.

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 16/09/2012 21:02

my ex takes home £498 a WEEK

just one dc to pay for he pays £73 a week and £10 arrears so at mo £83 a week

nextphase · 16/09/2012 21:05

The guys at our place work 4 days, 4 night, 4 days off. After a few cycles of that, they get 18 days off. Does that happen, as it will have a big effect on his pay?

I don't think its as simple as 72 he weeks followed by 36 hr weeks - surely some weeks he may work 6 days, some 5 days, some 4 days. How would he ever work 3 shifts in a 7 day block?