To object to DH wanting me to use my church attendance to get dd1 into school

[pouffepants]

Dd1 is due to go to high school next year. She is a mouse and has mild sn, so we are obv very nervous of this.

Amongst our choices is a c of e school, which you have to attend church to get in. I do attend church, always have and would describe myself as a christian. The school in question has the best results in the area, and is considered the best school by most. I am dubious about this, and think that they probably only achieve so well because they avoid the difficult families by backdoor elitism, which I have a problem with.

Dh agrees with this theory, but thinks I should bite the bullet and use my church attendance to get her in. I am very unhappy about using my religion in this way, in fact I'm unhappy with religious schools at all, but if a school is run by christians then it should run on a christian philosophy of caring for everyone, not just their own.

Dh says he would be unwilling to attend church himself to get her in. If it were THAT important for him to have her attend there, then I think he should be prepared to do this. ie. he wants me to compromise my beliefs for this, but is unwilling to himself.

AIBU to be annoyed by this stance?

you're over thinking this.it's.faith school
youre regular church goer eligible for place at a good school
your dh attendance is irrelevant,youre eligible on basis your attendance

As part of my Christian values, I care as much about the education of the community as of my own daughter. I think this school's policies are harmful
. Most faith schools insist on church attendance as one of their main entrance criteria, don't they? You may think this is unfair; but to deny your daughter access to the best school you can get her into because non church goers may be fairly or unfairly disadvantaged sounds like nonsense of the highest order to me
If you were to attend church with the sole intention of fulfilling the criteria I'd be the first to call you on your hypocrisy, but you're not, are you?
Adopting a communist approach at the expense of your own child is insane, actually. The system is what it is, opting out changes nothing except your own child's educational chances.

'sacrifice your child'?!

I think you've got confused about the Abraham and Isaac story there!

This all seems a bit harsh to the OP. If she's got other good schools in her area and doesn't seem keen on this one, what's so awful about that?

Maybe she doesn't want her DD to grow up in an atmosphere she doesn't care for. Shock, horror, not everyone loves the idea of church schools, even if they're Christian.

As long as you can look your child and oh in the face if she ends up getting a sink school then thats up to you

My view my child is my top piroty always and is ho to have a stance but as D Abott shown up not before whats best for our children

Sadly whats best ad whats fair is not always the same thing

What does your DD want to do?

I dont think that the OP is BU at all.

It isnt really about the school, but about her DH's refusal to compromise. He expects her to compromise her beliefs to get their DD into a school that she isnt sure is suitable, but he wont compromise his own by, for example, attending church.

If it was that important to him then surely he could stir his stumps on a Sunday morning and go with them.

Seriously OP if you want to stand up for the less fortunate children set up a direct debit to Kids company, Banado's, or another group that helps with teens in real danger of having no future.

Don't damage your own child's schooling,

And incidentally, the so-called "best" school in our area has some of the worst bullying I have ever witnessed, including a child who attempted suicide. Best on paper isnt always best in reality, good exam result does not equal happy children.

'yabvvvu and plain nasty bordering on dishonesty but even worse your expecting someone else to act dishonestly because you dont want to be honest.'

What on earth?! How has she been dishonest at all?

She isn't lying about the fact she attends church. She simply doesn't feel that church school is the best thing for her child. Her DH disagrees, but doesn't attend church.

So what?

You go to church regularly. The best school for your child is CoE. By going to church regularly your DD stands a better chance of getting in. When your DD is in, you will be in a good position to support the ethos of the school. What is the problem?

More of an issue for me is those parents who go JUST to get their children into school. Our local school is CoE. At the church there is a creche for Sunday morning services. Last year, the week before school places were announced there were almost 30 children at creche. The week after they were announced there was 1. The creche leaders daughter. That to me is wrong, not your situation.

The DHs refusal to compromise is very different to OPs refusal to compromise.

If the dh were to compromise, he would have to fake a belief in something his has no interest in purely for the sake of appeasing his wife. If OP were to compromise she would have to do nothing. She wouldn't have to pretend to like the system, she wouldn't have to do something she fundamentally disagrees with, she would just have to apply to a school that her child has every right to attend. She would have the opportunity to voice her opinion on the system if she went and spoke to her Vicar.

Her compromise doesn't involve her altering her beliefs at all, it just means prioritising her child over them. Her dh's compromise would involve him pretending to have beliefs he simply doesn't have.

If you think the church school would be the most suitable one for your daughter, and she is eligible to attend because of your church attendance, I don't understand why you wouldn't send her there.

I would be a bit about someone going to church just to get their child into a certain school, but that isn't your situation.

outraged, how is her sending her child to this school and using her church attendance as the way in, not betraying her principles?

If she doesn't believe in this kind of education, she doesn't believe in it. She could certainly feel it's not Christian and therefore it's hypocritical for her to pretend to be someone who believes it is.

asking another person to lie just because you dont want to tell the truth even if both answers are the same is dishonesty.

if he says it its dishonesty,if she does its not so she would expect him to lie rather than herself telling the truth. thats dishonesty.

if its really because she feels the school isant the best option for the dc then why do we even need to know about the personal view points regarding how fair it is to dc's she didnt give birth to? it would be far more sensable to focus on why its not best for her dc,her thoughts on it being elite and wrong would be irrelivant.

How is she asking anyone to lie, sock? I just don't get it ... she's not mentioned it at all as far as I can see?

Just 1 Q that hasn't been asked, is it your attendance or HER attendance that is in the criteria for application?

What school does your DD want to attend?

Ok well everyone is welcome in a cof E church whether a believer or not.The criterion for entry is church attendance which any parent can do.They can sit and admire the archetecture, listen to the music.You are not forced to pray or say the creed.Anyone who cares enough can get their child into that school without hypocrisy.

lrd if you want her to attend the church school then even tho i am a beliver and do attend church i would require you to LIE by going and pretending you have those belifs and telling the school you do and our child you do.

that is a lie.

YABU. I think you are wildly overthinking this OP. You are a regular churchgoer, and as such you are not "using" your faith in order to get your DD into a good school.

Your DH is not a regular churchgoer and yet you want him to pretend to find faith in order to appease some dubious principle, which I struggle to understand. I go to church regularly. My partner does not (except for special Christmas/Easter services with the family) and I respect that. I would feel it incredibly presumptuous to insist my husband go to church. And it would be wrong and hypocritical.

As far as your general unhappiness at the school system, I would probably agree with you. Church of England schools were originally set up to educate the local community, irrespective of faith and now they select on the basis of that faith. However, in my experience faith schools attract a far wider social and economic and racial demographic than many state secondaries. Many families in faith schools struggle with poverty, lone parenting, SEN, ESL etc.

While I understand and applaud your desire to "care for everyone", in reality this isn't possible. What about children in developing countries who are denied access to any education? By your logic, you should deny your child access until all children can have similar opportunities. I feel your primary responsibility is to your own child as a loving mother, and a Christian. If your conscience still bothers you, then give of your time or money to an educational charity and/or school.

I might be missing something here, but it seems a bit over complicated

Which is the best school for DD? By that I mean, having visited as many potential schools as possible, talked to them about how they would support DD's SN, got a feel for the different school cultures, weighed up results and other outcomes, maybe even spoken to parents who already have children at those schools... Which is the best?

If the church school, then luckily you already meet one of the admissions criteria by attending church. If it's another school, then hopefully you will meet their admissions criteria (distance etc)

You aren't considering a Damascene conversion in order to qualify, or being completely hypocritical about your views of organised religion by suddenly attending church for school purposes. What's the problem?

sock, she explained that as a hypothetical point, to demonstrate that her DH is not treating her beliefs with respect. He wouldn't compromise his beliefs, so why is he expecting her to do so?

Since she doesn't want her child to go to the school, it is obvious she doesn't want him to attend church and fake up an application - she wants him to recognize that his refusal to do this is based on principles just as deserving of respect as her own.

It's not betraying her principles because she doesn't have to pretend to like the system that is available to her. She can be open and honest about her opinions, but she is expecting her dh to do the opposite of that.

Our children don't exist for us to make a political point. Her child's education is more important than her principles, because they are her principles, and this isn't her education and happiness.