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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be getting a bit sick of my friend asking me for childcare?

78 replies

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 06:16

She's my lovely and good friend of more than 20 years but she's annoying me regarding her DD.

She has a part time job which involves travelling to another city once or twice a month...he DP also works but full time. She has been regularly asking me to care for her DD who is 2. The DP drops the little girl off on his way to the office when my mate is away and she then picks him up as she gets arrives home a few hours later.

It's because she's found it hard to get regular childcare on such a part time basis...I don't feel that I can say no because I work from home and it's not THAT often.

Her DD isn't easy...she's not a nightmare but at 2 she's into everything and my morning has gone when I have her.

She spoke about getting him into nursery and then she said "I dont want to because in another 3 months i will be on maternity leave (she's having twins!) and I can do it myself then...I'd rather save the money.

I am starting to feel like she's taking the mick a bit...she does ask if I can do it but it's always when I am off guard....she also has some other friends that she relies on for these odd days.

AIBU to say that this time is the last as I have too much work on?

OP posts:

Original poster

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 06:17

Sorry "She spoke about getting HER into nursery"

OP posts:

HecateHarshPants · 13/09/2012 06:21

Not at all. You may not feel that you can say no, but that's not the case. you CAN say no and you have the right to. How she reacts to that is up to her.

don't drop it on her out of the blue though, let her know now that you won't be able to provide any more childcare. So she can make other arrangements.

HecateHarshPants · 13/09/2012 06:22

Although - if she's a good friend of 20 years, with a toddler and soon to have newborn twins - you might want to help her out just a little bit, when the twins are born. It's going to be quite challenging! That doesn't mean having her toddler if you really don't want to, but in other ways maybe, if you can and if you want to, of course.

Original poster

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 06:26

I suppose I feel a bit annoyed because it's turning quite regular and she could actually afford childcare...she just chooses not to because she knows I will do it...I can't bring myself to say no!

I have two DC as well...I know the twins will be hard...but it's really not my fault is it? I have never asked her to babysit as I have felt she's got enough on her plate with a younger child to deal with.

OP posts:

HecateHarshPants · 13/09/2012 06:30

Nope, she's only got herself to blame for that one

Tell her you won't be able to babysit any more, if you are feeling resentful. Better that than sour your friendship with unspoken resentment.

If you've been good friends for 20 years - you should be able to be honest with her.

Good luck x

Original poster

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 06:35

I think I will just say that I'm too busy with work...the problem is that she always asks well in advance...two weeks or so...I will just have to "look at my diary" and see that I have a lot of work that week won't I?

I also think I'm a bit dissapointed in her...I have never asked mates for childcare...it's just not their job! In an emergency maybe I would..but not ongoing for work purposes ffs!

OP posts:

CSIJanner · 13/09/2012 06:38

Just tell her hat although you value her friendship and love her LO, that you are working fro. Home and its too distracting looking after an LO whilst tying to keep a business going. Just tell her the truth - you can't work, it cost money and it's not good in this economic climate. And she's took the mick.

ZonkedOut · 13/09/2012 06:40

Think of it this way, if you're working from home, it is costing you money to look after her DD. Why should she be costing you money to save herself money? That is unfair of her.

I'd recommend saying no too, nicely of course, and help her out in other ways of course. But also ask her to babysit for you from time to time too if she can!

Original poster

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 06:44

I just can't ask her to sit for me...she's big with twinnage! Also she's far more strict than I am and I don't think my Dc would enjoy it.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 13/09/2012 06:49

Are you working for an employer or self employed? If you are working for n employer then yu simply cannot do this - it is morally wrong!

Original poster

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 06:54

I am self employed Stealth

OP posts:

WofflingOn · 13/09/2012 07:12

You are disappointed and cross with her because you can't say no?
My OH was self-employed for years, it's just a skill you need to acquire.
Not your friend's fault, she's not telepathic or even empathic. Tell her in words.

StealthPolarBear · 13/09/2012 07:14

ah so no moral argument then, sorry :) But as someone else pointed out she's not paying for childcare - you are through loss of earnings!!

JeezyOrangePips · 13/09/2012 07:16

Surely, Stealth, it is only morally wrong if you are supposed to work set hours?

I worked at home for a while, and the boss didn't care when I worked as long as the work was done by the deadline.

If it was me, op, as there is only likely to be somewhere between 3 and 6 mornings of this left, I'd suck it up and just do it - or at least any that I could do. But I'd make it clear that I wouldn't be able to help out with child care after the twins were born.

That doesnt mean I think it's the right thing to do. You would not be being unreasonable to do no more.

halcyondays · 13/09/2012 07:24

Yanbu,even if you weren't working, it would be a bit cheeky of her to expect this regularly. As a one off it would be fine. As you work from home, then you can just say, sorry, I can't get my work done while looking after a toddler so I won't be able to have her. There have been quite a lot of these threads and after a while people can start to feel out upon, we'd all rather save the money, but most people have to pay for childcrare, rather than getting a friend to do it for free.

AThingInYourLife · 13/09/2012 07:26

It is not OK to take advantage of someone's good nature in this way.

You are working but she thinks so little of that that she's prepared to drop a toddler on you and make it impossible for you to work.

You might as well turn up at her work with your kids and expect to leave them there with her.

She is being incredibly selfish and unfair to use you in this way to save herself money.

I'm not surprised you think less of her for it.

You really need to say you won't do this any more. Or just start refusing each time she asks.

You don't need excuses from your diary.

"No, that's not convenient." or "No, I'm working." should suffice.

WofflingOn · 13/09/2012 07:34

Yes, she may be an incredibly selfish and miserly person who is taking advantage, there are a lot of them about. My point being that how is an insensitive person to be made aware of this if every time she asks, the OP rolls over with her paws in the air?

HollyMadison · 13/09/2012 07:41

Don't make a big issue of it. Just say no next time she asks. Say "oh no sorry I can't do that week as I've got an important [proposal/whatever] to write for work."

MissKeithLemon · 13/09/2012 07:44

OP - I think I will just say that I'm too busy with work...the problem is that she always asks well in advance...two weeks or so...I will just have to "look at my diary" and see that I have a lot of work that week won't I?

This ^^ is what you have to do

Its hard though to say no, if you are a wimp like me so you really have to have an answer such as above ready, and then go back to her and say that you've checked and you have an appointment/meeting with bank etc etc that morning & a pretty full week in fact.

I understand your pain, I can hardly ever say no and I have several friends who like to ask me favours like this I have however become very good at taking return childcare and favours.

halcyondays · 13/09/2012 07:46

Did she ever offer to return the favour before she was pregnant with twins? Or was it always you helping her?

AThingInYourLife · 13/09/2012 07:48

She shouldn't need to be made aware that it not fair to use your friends for free babysitting when they are supposed to be working so you don't have to shell out for childcare.

Just because a dog rolls over with its legs in the air doesn't mean you are not at fault if you kick it in the ribs.

She is taking advantage of someone who calls her a friend.

That is shit.

ProfYaffle · 13/09/2012 07:48

I was in a similarish (though not as formal/regular) situation with a friend and childcare, I used the 'have to check my diary' excuse with great success. She would ask, I would 'check my diary' then I'd be 'busy'. I found getting a bit of space to gather my thoughts was really helpful. Since the childcare dried up she's stopped contacting me so ... result!

Jinsei · 13/09/2012 07:51

I quite regularly do childcare "favours" for a friend - although I work FT, she sometimes does nights and I have her two kids stay with me when she is stuck. Not ideal when there is school/work the next day, but she's a good friend and I'm happy to help her out - another friend also does it from time to time, and doesn't resent it either.

I know my friend would certainly be willing to reciprocate if asked, but the need has so far never arisen as my parents are usually able to help anyway. I am lucky to have that support, which she doesn't have.

Perhaps your friend is asking because she genuinely thinks you don't mind. As she travels once or twice a month and has a few friends who she relies on for help, maybe she thinks it's not excessive, and she knows it's short-term anyway as she'll be on maternity leave soon. However, it's obviously become a burden that you're no longer willing to carry, and that's fair enough. I think you just need to explain honestly to her how you feel. If she is any sort of a friend, she will feel mortified to think that she has exploited your good will, and she'll make alternative arrangements.

It's much better that you tell her in the long run, rather than letting your resentment of the situation fester. She probably will need help when her twins come along. It would be nice if you could offer that support willingly, but you won't want to do that if you feel she's been taking the piss with regard to childcare for her older son.

Ephiny · 13/09/2012 07:52

I don't think it's reasonable of her to expect you to look after a small child while you're working. If you worked in an office, she wouldn't expect you to take the child with you! Some people seem to think working from home doesn't count for some reason.

It's one thing to ask as a one-off in an emergency, but not an ongoing regular arrangement, that's just not a reasonable thing to expect from a friend,especially as you work.

If it's once or twice a month, and only for another 3 months, can't the DP take annual leave for those days?

Longtalljosie · 13/09/2012 07:54

Why don't you start by recommending sitters.co.uk? If it's only for a few hours once or twice a month that would be a good compromise. It'll also make it clear you're looking for a way out?

If she's about to start maternity leave and may be slightly irrational while pregnant you have to consider whether it's worth upsetting her for what is quite a short remaining period of time before this problem goes away...

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