To be getting a bit sick of my friend asking me for childcare?

[NCForNow]

She's my lovely and good friend of more than 20 years but she's annoying me regarding her DD.

She has a part time job which involves travelling to another city once or twice a month...he DP also works but full time. She has been regularly asking me to care for her DD who is 2. The DP drops the little girl off on his way to the office when my mate is away and she then picks him up as she gets arrives home a few hours later.

It's because she's found it hard to get regular childcare on such a part time basis...I don't feel that I can say no because I work from home and it's not THAT often.

Her DD isn't easy...she's not a nightmare but at 2 she's into everything and my morning has gone when I have her.

She spoke about getting him into nursery and then she said "I dont want to because in another 3 months i will be on maternity leave (she's having twins!) and I can do it myself then...I'd rather save the money.

I am starting to feel like she's taking the mick a bit...she does ask if I can do it but it's always when I am off guard....she also has some other friends that she relies on for these odd days.

AIBU to say that this time is the last as I have too much work on?

"Perhaps your friend is asking because she genuinely thinks you don't mind."

How could anyone think it was no trouble to regularly bollocks up somebody else's work in the way she is happy to?

She doesn't care about the obvious inconvenience she is causing.

She's definitely taking the piss, but I think you have the perfect excuse for saying no - the fact that you work from home. I don't think you have to lay it on the line with her as some posters have said above. A friend of 20 years can still be upset or offended, so just say you're too busy and get nothing done when her DD is with you. End of story. It's honest and you don't have to spell out 'I'm fed up of doing you favours when you can afford childcare and I never ask for any in return'.

I said that because I genuinely don't mind helping a good friend with childcare when she needs it. It isn't while I'm working, true, but it is overnight and is certainly a big disruption to our schedule when dd has to go to school and I have to work the next day. But the mum is a good friend, she is stuck, and I honestly don't mind helping.

Maybe I have misunderstood how often this is happening, but it doesn't sound that frequent from the OP. The mum has to travel once or twice a month, and she has several friends who help out on these occasions, so I'm guessing she asks OP once every couple of months or so?

I'm not saying that the OP should be happy with this at all, and I think she would be entirely reasonable to say no. But I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that the friend thinks she doesn't mind, and so an honest conversation is needed.

If you have never raised it as a problem, then let's face it, she's probably completely unaware that it's a problem! I don't think she's being selfish or taking advantage. If she knew it was a problem but ignored it and kept expecting it anyway, that would be different.

If she is about to go on maternity leave then the next time you chat, say to her "While you're here I must get my diary out and get to grips with dates". Say to her you're worried because you have extra work coming up just at a time when she might need extra help. That way you can gauge her expectations of you both before and after the birth of her twins, and explain in a nice way how difficult you're finding it.

Also if you raise it in a chatty, "let's get organised" way, you won't be on the defensive and neither will she.

She and her husband are both going to have to adjust to extra childcare responsibilities anyway, so you might introduce the breathtaking notion that her DH might have to start taking time off work to help if a sitter is not an option and no friends are available!

Yes, just say you can't get your work done with a small child around.
They must be able to find some sort of child care in the area.

very true Jeezy. Suppose I'm thinking of my own situation. My boss to some extent doesn't care when the work gets done, but if she called with an urgent piece of work she wouldn't be too impressed to find I was at the park with my toddler. So I have a fair amount of flexibility, but wouldn' take advantage. Suppose if you do work in complete isolation and no one ever needs anything from you then it may be different

Quite easy, next time she asks say "I dont think I'll be able to, it's mental at the moment and I can't see things easing up enough by then that I can take a morning off, I can't work while she's at mine so I end up getting nothing done."

I think you need to make it clear she's asking you to take a morning off work. She might not have thought about it like that.

Or alternatively you could really go for it and say "I'm sorry, we're abit skint at the moment, if I look after your DD I can't work that morning and we can't afford us to lose half a day money right now."

"Also if you raise it in a chatty, "let's get organised" way, you won't be on the defensive and neither will she."

If you raise it in a way that implies that organising her childcare is your responsibility, you will end up with more of it dumped on you.

You can tell the pisstakers from their claims that anyone might not realise that people who are working can't also care for toddlers.

If that were the case then we'd all be bringing our 2 yos to work with us.

She might be able to afford childcare, but to find someone who could have her dd once or twice a month just for the morning, without charging hefty holding fees -????

So she's only going once or twice a month and cycles between a few good friends? Does that mean effectively you're having her dd, what, once every six weeks for a couple of hours? It's not exactly life destroying, is it? I'm assuming she doesn't have family nearby to help? I don't, either, and it can be really hard to juggle weird little childcare needs like these. I don't see what other options she has.

Tbh, I would happily do this for a friend and think you're being a bit self involved. It's only for a few more months - so, 2/3 babysits - and it's over.

I think you need to make it clear she's asking you to take a morning off work.

That is a great way to say it.

"I don't see what other options she has."

You don't see what options she has other than freeloading on her friends?

How about paying for the regular childcare she needs including whatever fees apply?

I don't have nearby family support, but I don't think that entitles me to commandeer my friends' time to save myself money.

Hi OP,

I would be trying to find a way to diplomatically suggest to my friend that now would be a brilliant time to get her DD used to going to nursery for a few sessions every week, as she will be pathetically grateful for the chance to focus just on her twins once in a while when they've arrived.

To you, the message is "just say no", a la Kids from Grange Hill .

YANBU
If you didn't work it would be different. But

She can't take her child to work so why should you?

She probably doesn't realise / appreciate your job if you work from home, it's a bit thoughtless at best.

If you woh nobody would consider YABU if you didn't want to take a day/ half days annual leave every month to provide regular childcare for her so I cant understand why so many Posters are saying you should accomodate her. One off once in a blue moon favours yes - regular committment no. Why should it cost you money (lost work ) to save her money on a regular basis.

Work out what you earn a week on average based on your usual hours- use that to calculate a day or half days earnings and that will tell you how much it's actually costing you.

It's not going to get any better when she returns from maternity as she will have to do this for 2 plus a nursery/ school aged child so it's going to be twice as expensive for her.

I agree with other posters and say to her that you are too busy to devote your time to looking after her dd as its imposing on your ability to work at the same time.

That's why the rest of us use proper childcare - and so should she.
What are the effects on you/ your work ?
Do you have meetings or business calls you have to rearrange / put off etc when she's with you. ?
Does she interrupt you when you are busy.?
If you get a call when she's with you and she's in the background talking etc - do you feel its unprofessional ?
I imagine you can't go off into your office /study to concentrate leaving her unsupervised elsewhere in the house?
Do you find that you are having to eat into your free time at evenings or weekends to catch up on the lost time ?

If she's a real friend she will understand - you've done her a huge favour so far but she needs to find a permanent solution.

I agree with WelshMaenad. Although i dont work, if i did i would sometimes need to rely on my best friend to help out when she could (i i know 100% she wouldn't mind) and if she ever needs any help i would not mind helping her at al (and have done). Thats what friends do for each other. Its what? 3-4 hours every 5-6 weeks?

I don't think she's taking advantage. I think she has asked and her friend seems to be aggreeable, so it's not a problem.

OP - it is fine to say no. Tell her that you are finding the extra responsibility is impacting on your work, and you won't be able to do it any more. It is totally ok not to have her dd. You don't have to.

How many of you who are giving the poster a hard time for not wanting to do this have the luxury of unlimited days off work?
I have 5 weeks off - better than a lot of working people and when my dc were smaller I would always use every one and more sometimes - my family holidays, dc medical appointments school closure days , sick dc, snow days, school sports days, concerts etc. A day or half day once every 6 weeks to a month is a weeks leave to me. If she does this to a circle of friends that's a lot of time off she's getting for free.

Her or her dp needs to look at their work life balance instead of expecting friends to take up the slack. Why can't he take unpaid leave on those days or organise flexible working ?

It's not the OP or her other friends responsibility to manage this persons childcare/ work arrangements.

Hmm... I'm usually the first on these threads to say 'just say no' but, if she is a good friend of 20 years and she's got twins on the way, and it's only for a few hours, then where's the harm?

She's probably asking on the assumption that you'll just say no if you don't want to/are too busy and is delighted that you can take her toddler. I'd happily do this for any close friend, and they for me.. I'd be mortified if they didn't speak to me about it first and posted on MN though

What are her plans for after the twins are born?? Is she returning to the same job? Would you be asked to have the 3 of them?

She is responsible for her childcare - don't feel bad about saying no.

There's two ways to look at this. Say nothing as she's going on mat leave soon so why rock the friendship, or say something now do she's doesn't also expect you to look after the twins as well if she goes back to work. Without knowing what she does I'd suggest she asks her employer if she can have a consistent date to be going into the city, family friendly requests and all that. They have to at least consider it. It will then be easier for her to find regular childcare. Also, if you want to be a good friend to her say no now, explain you've a lot of work on and offer to have lo occasionally and at your convenience when twins come along. As a mum of 23 week twins, a 2yo and a 4yo, it was a great help to me when my sister offered to have one or both our elder children every now and then.

"Quite easy, next time she asks say "I dont think I'll be able to, it's mental at the moment and I can't see things easing up enough by then that I can take a morning off, I can't work while she's at mine so I end up getting nothing done."

I think you need to make it clear she's asking you to take a morning off work. She might not have thought about it like that. "

^^ This. Doesn't need to be a big deal. If you're happy to have her DD, then have her. If you're not then say you're hectic with work and won't be able to. Recommend sitters.co.uk.

Yes, no need to have a big row. Just say your diary is full. YANBU.

What kind of person sees an ongoing, regular need for childcare and thinks to themselves "oh I know, instead of sorting anything out that will cost me money, I'll just use my friends as unpaid childcare instead."

And not only that, but then doesn't inform said friends of the plan or get their agreement to the arrangement, but pretends each request is a one off?

A freeloading pisstaker, that's who.

Good people don't take advantage of their friends like that.

They don't need to be told that their friends have their own responsibilities that are just as important.

They don't keep taking and taking assuming it's fine until they have pissed their friends off.

This isn't helping out a friend in need, it's being used by someone who thinks their time is more valuable than yours.

Wickety would YOU take someone else's child into your office once or twice a month? No, I didn't think so.

Once again, there is huge stupidity misunderstanding about what working from home means. I.e. WORKING from home. Not arsing about. OP I feel for you, but you must be firm and assertive about this. I've had similar situations where friends try to dump their kids off, call in the middle of a workday or insist on a long lunch for a catchup. Many people simply cannot get their heads around the idea that we have a workday, same as other people, perhaps with a bit more flexibility, but not much. Sorry, rant over.

OP just say you can't do it anymore. It's very very tough being (and staying) self-employed nowadays. Your friend needs to recognise this. Besides you've done a lot and been very generous. Enough already. Good luck