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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting a bit sick of my friend asking me for childcare?

78 replies

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 06:16

She's my lovely and good friend of more than 20 years but she's annoying me regarding her DD.

She has a part time job which involves travelling to another city once or twice a month...he DP also works but full time. She has been regularly asking me to care for her DD who is 2. The DP drops the little girl off on his way to the office when my mate is away and she then picks him up as she gets arrives home a few hours later.

It's because she's found it hard to get regular childcare on such a part time basis...I don't feel that I can say no because I work from home and it's not THAT often.

Her DD isn't easy...she's not a nightmare but at 2 she's into everything and my morning has gone when I have her.

She spoke about getting him into nursery and then she said "I dont want to because in another 3 months i will be on maternity leave (she's having twins!) and I can do it myself then...I'd rather save the money.

I am starting to feel like she's taking the mick a bit...she does ask if I can do it but it's always when I am off guard....she also has some other friends that she relies on for these odd days.

AIBU to say that this time is the last as I have too much work on?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 13/09/2012 13:32

Yeah, because people who work for themselves aren't really working, are they?

They're just sitting around waiting for their friends to dump their kids on them.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2012 13:32

"I think you need to make it clear she's asking you to take a morning off work. She might not have thought about it like that."
I think DontmindifIdo's suggestion is brilliant. It is possible that she just sees you as being "in", not "working". Maybe lay a bit of stress on the fact that her DD is now 2 and naturally more work than when she was 1, and that is why it wasn't a problem in the past, but is now. (Even though it was, really.)

yomellamoHelly · 13/09/2012 13:40

I would ask her to reciprocate with the childcare. So for every morning you look after hers you get her to do the same and arrange that time at the same time as she asks you. Then sit back and see what happens to help you decide how you should play it in future.

seoladair · 13/09/2012 13:40

I sometimes get a friend whose daughter is the same age as mine to babysit when my regular trusted childminder can't do it. I prefer this option to bringing in a new childminder. But....
I always offer to pay. The first time my friend wouldn't take the money so I bought toys and books for her daughter. Since then (only 2 or 3 occasions) she has agreed to let me pay her, as I said that I would be paying a professional childminder anyway so I might as well pay her.

WicketyPitch · 13/09/2012 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 13/09/2012 14:04

It's the very fact that the OP doesn't feel she can say no that means she is "taking advantage", i.e. she is taking advantage of the OP's good nature and the fact of their friendship to get her child looked after for nothing.

WineGoggles · 13/09/2012 14:42

YANBU. If babysitting is disrupting your work that's costing you money. I'd explain that to her and say you can't afford to lose out financially so unfortunately you will no longer be able to help her. This will make her more aware of things - she might just be thoughtless rather than deliberately selfish - and she may even offer to pay you for childminding. But I don't think you should lie to her and make up an excuse; how are people like her to ever learn to modify their behaviour otherwise.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/09/2012 15:49

How often does she ask you.

To be fair, if you have always done it and never told her how you feel, unless her crystal ball isnt working, how is she supposed to know.

She doesnt sound like she takes the piss to me and also, its not her fault that you dont want her to return the favour because you dont think your kids would enjoy it!

AThingInYourLife · 13/09/2012 16:14

It hardly takes a crystal ball to work out that caring for a toddler all day is hard work and incompatible with other work.

Presumably she has heard of such things as nurseries, nannies and childminders.

Why would they exist if looking after children while you were working was no trouble at all?

Sure, she could bring the child with her.

Even if the OP wasn't starting to feel used, it still isn't OK to use her.

Just because someone is a soft touch doesn't mean you should get them to cover your shitwork for you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/09/2012 16:20

But if you are good friends with someone is asking them to look after your toddler once or twice a month (not sure if this is the right amount tho) is that using them or asking them to do a favour??

How does the friend know that OP feels used if OP doesnt tell her?

pictish · 13/09/2012 16:22

What kind of person sees an ongoing, regular need for childcare and thinks to themselves "oh I know, instead of sorting anything out that will cost me money, I'll just use my friends as unpaid childcare instead."

Maybe a person who takes her good friend at their word that it's fine.

TheCraicDealer · 13/09/2012 16:36

Next time she asks you've got a meeting with your business advisor at the bank. Time after that you're meeting a client in town. And then she's off on maternity, hurrah!

If she asks you to look after the twins and/or the toddler once she gets back to work you're going to have consider having a word as discussed above, or a career change to running your own daycare centre. You might as well get paid for it.

EmmelineGoulden · 14/09/2012 14:09

I think all this thinking up particular projects or meetings in order to brush her off dodges the point and leaves you vulnerable to her misunderstanding.

Next time she asks just say as kindly as you can "[friend] I know it's tricky having occasional but regular childcare needs, but when I look after your DD I am losing a morning's work. I can't keep doing it just to save you nursery fees. Sorry."

deleted203 · 14/09/2012 14:17

YANBU - you are trying to work. I would simply say, 'I'm sorry, but I've work to do and I can't give up my morning to look after a toddler'. For some reason people think that if you work from home then you are free. But you are not. Presumably if you are giving up the morning to look after her DD then you are going to spend the evening, or whenever, making up the time. It's unreasonable to ask you to regularly do this. I might help out as a one off emergency but I'm buggered if I'd repeatedly push my own work aside to give free child care to someone else. When my DCs were little my SIL used to have them. She was a childminder. And I paid her going rate, despite her protests that she didn't mind. If she was having my DCs she wasn't able to have someone else's and so I expected to be treated like any other parent.

IawnCont · 14/09/2012 14:20

Oh God, I get this. I'm self employed and work from home, and people seem to think that that means I can slack off and have endless hours to babysit their children/ give them lifts. It's my job.
I don't mind helping out a friend who's desperate, but I don't think I'd like someone regularly imposing on my work day. I have happily babysat whilst a friend was ill, or the childminder let them down. But the crux of this, for me, is that your friend thinks her doing a morning's work is more important than you doing your morning's work.

I would probably slip into conversation, "Gosh, I am bogged down with work at the moment. I have to work all the time to get it done." Then if she asks outright about babysitting, say it's because you have work to do.

holyfishnets · 14/09/2012 14:24

In your shoes I'd still look after the 2 year old but take the child food shopping or on some errands outside of the house. Make the child fit into your day rather then trash your house.

However you could always say that thing are a bit too hectic to have child this next two months and can she find someone else for a bit.

Molehillmountain · 14/09/2012 14:24

Has it been discussed unthread why the dp can't take the week's leave that would be involved to cover this foreseen childcare issue?

Viviennemary · 14/09/2012 14:34

What I would do is talk about a heavier work load and meeting deadlines. It might be the coward's way out but it's just so much easier than saying sorry I don't want to do it you should find a child minder or nursery. And simply say you just can't do it because your workload has increased and you were in trouble for not meeting deadlines.

And really her DP should be taking the time off work to look after his child. And let's face it, it's just too convenient for them for you to do it. Lots of people couldn't take a job that involves being away overnight because of childcare issues.

porcamiseria · 14/09/2012 14:35

just say NO

I am busy that day

Molehillmountain · 14/09/2012 14:36

I used to get requests like this from a friend all the time. In the end, I had to think about why I had given up work in the end and it wasn't to be stop gap child care for other people who had options if they chose to pay for them. It was a pleasure to be able to help people out in emergencies or if I chose to but I just didn't want to help a) preserve her dh's annual leave b) save her cash (hard to tell but I imagine they had more than us) or c) help her avoid seeing her mother in law when she took it for granted.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2012 14:38

Very good point, Molehillmountain. I don't think it has. The OP said "the problem is that she always asks well in advance...two weeks or so". So yes, the DP has plenty of time to arrange a half-day off. So it's not just the friend, but the friend's DP who is taking the piss here.

Molehillmountain · 14/09/2012 14:43

Also-it is perfectly reasonable to just not want to! No other reasons required. I find that if I'm not sensing that I'm being taken advantage of I'll offer all kinds of things that would actually be unreasonable to ask. But once my needs are put aside by someone asking a favour I find my good nature closing down.

GoldPedanticPanda · 14/09/2012 14:44

How often exactly is it? You said she's away once or twice a month, but has other friends that help out on these days too. So she'll finish in 3 months so that's between 3 and 6 times you may have to look after her dd in the morning, but probably a lot less as other friends are helping too?

I'd just do it tbh, she's been your friend for so long and could do with the help. Would she help you out with babysitting if you needed it? If so then take her up on it before the twins come and you and DP enjoy a nice night together while your friend babysits, then it might not feel like she's using you IYSWIM.

DisabilEightiesChick · 14/09/2012 23:57

I wouldn't bet on this stopping once the twins are here unless you actually decline to do it. I'm afraid I am not convinced by the 'just do these last two occasions, she's a friend' approach because she has stopped thinking about this as something which costs you effort and money (if she ever did) and you will never get out from under it otherwise.

DisabilEightiesChick · 14/09/2012 23:59

Actually, on thinking about it, I like the 'sorry, I can't take that morning off work' line. Makes the point perfectly that you're working. I'd hope she wouldn't say 'Oh but you can do that anytime..' but if she did, just reiterate 'No, actually I have work I need to do that morning so it's not possible'.