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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Don't tell Mummy" from MIL?

90 replies

Chrestomanci · 12/09/2012 14:48

MIL is generally lovely but she has a penchant for giving DC sweets & saying "Don't tell Mummy". She does it as a joke I think, and as far as I know I've always been in the room anyway when she's done it, however I'm really uncomfortable with it.

DC are still young, but I will teach them that no-one should be telling them to
keep things from Mummy & Daddy & I think it's confusing that MIL is saying this. DH thinks I'm overreacting a bit I think as I said something about child protection as a reason why but more generally I don't want anyone encouraging my children to lie to me.

So am I being very po faced, and how do I address it with MIL?

OP posts:
dexter73 · 12/09/2012 14:50

Just tell her what you said here about not wanting them to keep important things a secret from you.

Inneedofbrandy · 12/09/2012 14:50

I agree with your DH although I understand where your coming from.

Lucie99 · 12/09/2012 14:51

YABU if MIL does this in a jokey way whilst you are in the room. If you're children were telling you that MIL had told them something and it was a secret then I would have a different view.

2girls2dogs · 12/09/2012 14:55

It is absolutely NOT ok to encourage children to lie, never mind the safety aspect of secrets but its not ok to hide things from your parents. My DP does this with DD over sweets - it makes me apoplectic

brass · 12/09/2012 14:59

I'd say 'if you want to give them sweets fine, but can you stop with the don't tell mummy bit' and explain why.

She can't possibly argue with that can she?

DoMeDon · 12/09/2012 15:00

YANBU at all. It is confusing for DC and the kind of message predators pray on. People who have been abused were often told this and made to feel ashamed. Much better to have all your loved ones telling you that is wrong as a child, so you get the message 100% - always tell mummy/daddy EVERYTHING without fear.

CharlieCoCo · 12/09/2012 15:00

Im a nanny and a bit like this. I also dont like kids having 'secrets from mummy and daddy', i prefer surprise. For e.g. when we were making stuff for fathers day and my charge was telling her daddy me and her have a secret i didnt think it sounds good from a nanny point of view and i said no we dont have secrets we have a surprise.It may be OTT but id rather be that than confuse the child.

steben · 12/09/2012 15:01

My MIL does this and it drives be nuts - mainly from the position that she is trying to create a conspiracy with my children away from me which is really not ok. I don't think she does it in a jokey way. So to me YANBU but I daresay a lot of people will leap to the MIL defence and say you are being a precious DIL

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 12/09/2012 15:01

this is never okay in my book

it is totally totally wrong for children to lean that it is okay for a trusted adult to make them keep secrets from other adults.. I really don't think I need to spell out why!

Original poster
Chrestomanci · 12/09/2012 15:02

Ok, I think I need to be brave & broach it with her. Was hoping DH would do it but he doesn't really see the problem.

She is lovely, but can be sensitive, so I don't want to upset her. If it was my Mum I could just weigh on in there, with a 'for goodness sake mother' but my family are a lot more robust with each other than DHs, who are all impeccably polite!

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 12/09/2012 15:02

it's fine!

She's being a nice, soft granny.

WilsonFrickett · 12/09/2012 15:03

We use 'surprise' and 'secret' in the same way Charlie, maybe less so as DS gets bigger, we're now starting to talk about nice secrets and secrets that make you feel bad. But I 100% agree with you OP.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 12/09/2012 15:03

Charlie our rule is also surprizes are okay (as you CAN tell all to other adults, just not till the open their present or whatever) but I want my DCs to come straight to me if any adult tells them to have a secret with them, and anyone who desensitises this message will hear about it!

SirGOLDBoobs · 12/09/2012 15:03

YANBU. That would make me very uncomfortable.

Just tell her that you don't like it, and giving them the ocassional sweet is fine, but you don't want to encourage them to have "secrets" from you.

Original poster
Chrestomanci · 12/09/2012 15:07

Oh and to all the people who say she's being a nice granny etc, I absolutely agree, that that's her intention - I just don't think maybe she's thought it through & I do think the kids will find it confusing...

OP posts:
CailinDana · 12/09/2012 15:09

YANBU, at all. What people forget is that from an adult point of view the fact that the MIL is joking is very clear but from a child's point of view, a person more powerful than them, who has something they want, is telling them to lie and rewarding them for it. The power relationship between adults and children is completely unequal and as such adults need to be very very careful about what message they're giving to a child, even if it's meant to be a "joke." It's similar to two colleagues having a little laugh over taking a slightly extended lunch break while the boss is away, and your boss "jokingly" telling you to keep something a secret. In the first instance it's just a fun thing between friends, in the second there could be repercussions and the boss isn't being mindful of their position of power over you, because you can't really go against what they say without consequences. It might be nothing, but it puts you in an awkward situation and just isn't fair.

I feel the same way about all sorts "joking" and lying where children are concerned. It pisses me off when people couch jokes, especially ones at the expense of the child, as "harmless." If you're so pathetic that you need to get your kicks from pushing a child around and making fun of them, or using them in power games then you shouldn't really be around children. Jokes should always be couched entirely at the child's level of understanding and should never be at their expense.

madwomanintheattic · 12/09/2012 15:09
Grin

Last night I let the dog on the new sofa (dh is away) and got caught by dd1, who wandered upstairs for a wee after she had gone to bed.

I said 'don't tell daddy!'

zzzzz · 12/09/2012 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 12/09/2012 15:12

of course she is being nice

someone else might not be nice and can use the secret thing to their advantage

madwomanintheattic · 12/09/2012 15:12

That joke is at the level of a child's understanding though.

Most kids grasp pretty quickly that the grinning granny is being faux naughty as mummy limits sweets, but as mummy is largely in the room when she says it, that mummy isn't deaf, and so doesn't really mind.

The other crapola at children's expense stuff is nasty. But 'don't tell mummy' with a wink and grin when mummy is tending there, just helps to build a bond with the grandparents, with the parent's seal of approval.

If mummy did mind, she ought to whip in between them and say 'no thank you, we'll save it for after dinner'.

blackpoollights · 12/09/2012 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 15:17

I disagree that it helps build a bond madwoman. I have the attitude that while my DS is with his GPs, they are entirely in charge, but when I'm in the room, I'm entirely in charge. The whole "let's conspire to go behind mummy's back" thing is silly and unnecessary and not really fair on the child who might know that mummy isn't keen on sweets but who doesn't want to upset granny by saying no. It's quite a manipulative move really because if mummy steps in and says no she looks like a total spoilsport, and if the child says no then granny is upset. Granny gets her own way and everyone else has to shut up.

Why not say "Let's check with mummy if it's ok to have sweets" and back mummy up if she says no? The whole "faux naughty" thing is a bit pathetic in my book.

JugglingWithPossibilities · 12/09/2012 15:17

I think there are so many features of the older granny generation here ...

1 She wants to develop her own special relationship with your DCs - fair enough

2 She likes giving sweets to children (perhaps like my mother she grew up in the war or just after when sweets were rationed ?)

3 She doesn't get the new idea of children not having secrets from their parents.

4 She maybe can't completely get her head round the fact that you and DH are in fact these children's parents ! The buck stops with you and she should respect that.

I just have all these issues in spades with my own parents and the DCs Smile
But they still add so much to all our lives.

AdoraBell · 12/09/2012 15:19

I'd say she's not doing anything wrong because she does it in front of you. She's making sweets a special treat and a bit of a game. My DDs know that there are no secrets within the family, other than what birthday/Chritsmas presents have been bought.

I would handle this like mock shock and outrage that she's given them sweets how very dare she! And where is Mummy's sweet?? stylee

madwomanintheattic · 12/09/2012 15:19

Lacking, it's a grandparent. Now, I know some grandparents are paedophiles, but in this instance, it's about teaching the child which are 'safe' adults.

I don't want my children to fear their grandparents. I want them to grow up knowing that their grandparents are 'safe' adults.

Teach about secrets and whatever, but don't ruin the bonding between a child and grandparents.