"Don't tell Mummy" from MIL?

[Chrestomanci]

MIL is generally lovely but she has a penchant for giving DC sweets & saying "Don't tell Mummy". She does it as a joke I think, and as far as I know I've always been in the room anyway when she's done it, however I'm really uncomfortable with it.

DC are still young, but I will teach them that no-one should be telling them to
keep things from Mummy & Daddy & I think it's confusing that MIL is saying this. DH thinks I'm overreacting a bit I think as I said something about child protection as a reason why but more generally I don't want anyone encouraging my children to lie to me.

So am I being very po faced, and how do I address it with MIL?

Ok so she was alright about the sweets, but she still wasn't in on the joke. Any joke at another person's expense isn't a joke IMO. Everyone has to participate and laugh, otherwise it's a nasty dig.

WRT neglect IME from talking to a fair few abuse victims, how their parents brought them up did have an impact. With my parents, they disregarded what I had to say, and that made me a target. Abuser offered to bathe me, I said no, my mum said not to be a pain and to just go with him, so abuser knew my mother wouldn't listen to me, took me off to the bath in my own house and abused me with my parents downstairs. Because my own mother hadn't listened to my objection I believed how I felt didn't matter so I didn't tell. My mother didn't outright say "I don't care if you're abused" and that of course wasn't the case. But because abuse is surrounded with such shame and secrecy any lack of clarity, any message that others don't want to know, any sense that things must be kept a secret, aren't important, etc the child will pick up on it. Children don't naturally tell about abuse, the tendency is usually to keep it a secret. To have any hope of a child telling the parent must absolutely hammer home that all subjects are open to be talked about, that nothing is taboo, that no secrets must be kept and that the child's views and feelings are always important.

"Er", Madwoman, I wasn't talking to you or joining in the discussion you are having about child protection, I was making an independent point of my own and then talking to Bubalou about it. Is this ok with you??

the come and see my puppy/have some sweets things is usually used to describe stranger attacks you know the very very rare ones where children get taken off the streets by a stranger.

grooming is a very different thing its the build up of a relationship where an abuser can enginerer a suituation so the intended victim trusts them often to the point that they may not even know they have been a victim,it also involves a lot of shame and worry about stuff,like i cant tell because they gave me booze/sweets/other prohibited stuff,sometimes people who use this method to find people to abuse will work at it for years. children who have learnt that secrets are no big deal will be more at risk from this type of grooming than a child who knows secrets can be very bad. every trusted safe adult should be helping to give this message to kids.the op was clearly not implying her mil is grooming just that she would prefer for her not to make her dc a easyer target.

people have been doing the 'joke' its a secret thing for yonks but that dosnt mean its ok,just like some of the other very old fashioned things that some people still do.

im another one who cant get my head round the whole illicet sweet/cake/fizzy drink thing im practicly certain that gp's who do it choose that method of effective bribing because they lack skills in other areas so its the easyest and lazyest way to buy a good relationship with a gc

I'm sorry for your experiences as a child CailinDana

You make so many good points in your post.

I think all those things are so needed too for people to grow up with the chance to be assertive and make good choices in their adult lives too.

I HATE it when anyone says "don't tell Mummy" and it actually happens quite often - in jest, or in humour, usually re having treats etc. It's seen as perfectly innocent behaviour and usually it is - but "don't tell Mummy" could be very sinister too. I try to teach my DC they can tell me anything at all. Already this is sometimes difficult for my nearly 5yo.

People just don't fucking get why it's a problem and it drives me bonkers!!!!!!!!

im another one who cant get my head round the whole illicet sweet/cake/fizzy drink thing im practicly certain that gp's who do it choose that method of effective bribing because they lack skills in other areas so its the easyest and lazyest way to buy a good relationship with a gc

I AGREE with this ^

Er, madbuslady, I was responding to Cailin. But feel free to take it all personally if you wish. No skin off my nose. I don't think I even read your post, but I'll pop back and have a skim if you feel I would benefit? actually, nah. The whole aggressive tone thang put me right off bothering.

Like I said. We all raise our kids differently.

I don't think grandma making a joke in front of mummy is more likely to make the child a victim of abuse. Some of you do.

That's ok. It really is.

I'll let you all get back to how to raise it with mil in a harm-free context.

Apologies for disturbing the flow.

Socknickingpixie

Completely agree with you illicet sweet/cake/fizzy drink thing im practicly certain that gp's who do it choose that method of effective bribing because they lack skills in other areas so its the easyest and lazyest way to buy a good relationship with a gc

This is my MIL. She is lazy, barely gets up to play with DS, can't even really be bothered to do a puzzle with him. I know it sounds harsh as I swear I keep my feelings for her completely away from him as I want him to have his own opinions of people & have a relationship with her but he doesn't like her very much which is a shame.

Thanks juggling.

Although, lol, I just noticed this is in aibu.

But Cailin wasn't talking about sugar or sweets. She was talking about the whole "pitting mum against gran" thing and mentioning the word "sweets" indirectly. Bubalou and I are the only people I've seen to be talking specifically about the sugar thing (which I agree is not the OP's main concern).

Perhaps you've just skimmed a bit and conflated some of her posts with perhaps something Bubalou said, if you didn't read mine?

15.51.33

Nah, she didn't mention sweets at all, which is why she responded in context to my reply.

I don't think I can be bothered to hang around aibu for a random bunfight about something I don't particularly feel too strongly about, tbh.

Sorry, madbuslady, it looks like you're spoiling for a brawl. Find someone else.

Actually, that sounded awful. It was meant to be lighthearted.

I'll disappear before I do start a ruck.

i think there really is the chance that the child who has learned that being told 'don't tell anyone else' by an adult (no matter who it is) is acceptable, could at some unseen point in the future be a little more vulnerable to abuse of some kind then the child who has learned that 'secrets are not a good idea. Always tell'.

The fact that this is unpallatable and even unlikely to come to pass is not a good reason for keeping on with a 'joke' between family members.

No harm is intended by the GM, i'm sure. But it doesn't take a great leap of thinking to see where the connection lies with a possible future situation between the child and someone who did intend harm.

holy crap two people agreed with me.its gotta be a first

My grandparents never said "don't tell mummy" and I think my mum would have challenged them the first time they did.
It doesn't matter if she says it as a joke. it isn't funny. I think your suggested comment to her next time she says it is fine and I would stress to your kids the importance of telling your parents about things that other people tell you not to because your parents love you most and want what is best for you.

Her correct approach should be to give them conditional of your approval if you are around.

Otherwise it's her judgement call as the responsible adult.

You might reply, when she does it next, "you mean, if mum allows it, right?" And then say, yes, it's fine.
Keep smiling, but look straight at her.

If that doesn't work, ask her privately to please check with you first if it's ok to offer sweets. Or, better, get your OH to do it. :o

Madwoman, sorry, I did miss the bit when Cailin said the OP minded about the sweets. I am not spoiling for a brawl, honestly, it just looked (it still looks, frankly, if you read the thread in sequence) like you were suddenly randomly having a go at me, that's all. Your post wasn't addressed, and it came right after the sugar/sweets conversation.

I assume all your accompanying sarcasm then and since is leftover nervous energy from the child protection argument.

(Me or Bubalou, I should say)

No drama. There just seems to be a rash of child protection type threads at the mo, and it seemed disproportionate.

But like i said, we all parent differently. I actually have no particularly strong feelings whether the op discusses it with her mil or not. given that context, I wouldn't have raised it with mine. There's no hard or fast rules about child rearing, despite what the mn police think.

It did make me laugh a bit when suddenly everyone started discussing healthy eating. I could see the relevance in the rationing/ treat argument, but then It looked like a huge derail from where I was reading.

Should just have another cup of tea, really.

What a first world problem.

Get a grip!

After reading posts such as CailinDana's I just can't agree with you YSW

Sure we've got water, food, and shelter, but next on my list would be for children to grow up without abuse, maybe a little further down the list, for GP's to be supportive of parents !

Are you on a dare, YouSayWhaat, for most inappropriate PO-etry of the day?

In a world full of massive child protection issues, this is NOT one of them.

Oh I always say "Don't tell your dad" to ds, it's no biggy. I think you are over thinking this far too much.