"Don't tell Mummy" from MIL?

[Chrestomanci]

MIL is generally lovely but she has a penchant for giving DC sweets & saying "Don't tell Mummy". She does it as a joke I think, and as far as I know I've always been in the room anyway when she's done it, however I'm really uncomfortable with it.

DC are still young, but I will teach them that no-one should be telling them to
keep things from Mummy & Daddy & I think it's confusing that MIL is saying this. DH thinks I'm overreacting a bit I think as I said something about child protection as a reason why but more generally I don't want anyone encouraging my children to lie to me.

So am I being very po faced, and how do I address it with MIL?

yousaywhat the op is not saying the mil doing it is a cp issue,shes saying that it could teach HER dc that keeping secrets from parents is ok and that iho thats the issue.

If my ex said "don't tell your mum" when giving them sweets or my current husband I'd be pissed off. It's playing good cop bad cop and casting yourself as good cop. It isn't nice.

And of course it's a first world problem, we live in the UK not Africa. I thought talking about the third world was politically incorrect these days anyway.

What a first world problem? What a naff and insulting thing to say. Mind you I've got BINGO now so thanks

Since being on mn I never use the word 'secret' with my children but always 'surprise' for the very reasons that Cailin outlines. And I'm very sorry for your experiences Cailin.

And seriously whoever coined the first world problem thing needs to take a long look at themselves in the mirror. And those who repeat it - well honestly - its not clever and its not funny.

Surely on mn many of us post about small issues in our lifes?

Just teach your child to say, "I'm NOT allowed to keep secrets from mummy and daddy", when ever anyone starts a sentence with,'Don't tell ........"

and teach them that if they don't keep secrets that you can keep them safe.

and when your child does say it to grandma, you can tell them to "practice" on grandma , congratulate the child , then thank granny for helping to train darling grandchild to stay safe, if you do right gran will be pleased, and you will have a child that can't be conned into keeping schtum, which really helps to keep them safe.

When I was 3, my Grandad gave me a swig of whiskey and said "don't tell Mummy". I told Mummy straightaway! That's the stage when kids tell absolute brutal truth about everything. It's when they're a bit older that they start to learn to keep quiet about things which (they think) may get them into trouble. I think as long as you're teaching your DC about telling the truth and making sure they know you're always there to lend a non-judgemental ear, they will surely feel comfortable to come to you if (god forbid) they encountered a safeguarding issue.

On one side of my family there are many secrets between them due to this "don't tell dad" etc thing and it caused a serious breakdown in communication for them. (eg. young GS nearly fell out of a window at Nan's house, Nan said "don't tell Grandad, he'll go mad". Grandad finds out and goes madder at not being told!) Sorry for extreme example, not trying to scare anyone, but that is one reason why truth telling is so important, kids and adults alike!

The phrase "don't tell Mummy" just seems like a bit of fun to me, but it's clearly bothering you so I agree with quoteunquote, practice truth telling with Grandma around but don't make a big issue out of it.

I never told my parents that one of my teachers hit me with their car when I was in primary school!
I was dropped off early and pretended to go in but ran off to the local sweet shop and was hit by the teacher's car when I crossed the road
The teacher didn't report it either just quietly asked me a few times during the day, at the time I just thought that she had something on me and I had something on her and neither of us would gain anything by telling anyone else

now I realise that the fact that no incident form was filled and checks done had bigger implications about that teacher IYKWIM, but as a child I didn't understand anything "bigger" than the fact that we both did something a bit wrong IYKWIM

I think it's a generational thing, we're more aware now that abuse can happen within families, even seemingly happy families and it's not something that happens only to "damaged children" or by strangers, but that it is more likely to be an adult known to the child and family and that education around this is just as important as "stranger danger".

That doesn't mean we should be suspicious of everyone who has contact with a child but I think it is good idea to avoid the subject of "our little secret, hehe, we're being a bit naughty, don't tell mummy!" even if it is about something silly like sweets. Surely better to avoid anything like that at all, and then if (god forbid) any adult was to approach a child with something inappropriate and talk about it being a secret game or something a bit naughty that we don't want anyone to find out, they would find that suspicious/unnerving rather than fun and tell someone about it.

Obviously in the vast majority of cases you wouldn't need this at all, but better to be safe than sorry and I don't think you lose anything at all by taking secrets out of the equation. You can still do surprises with young children when they're in that I-know-something-you-don't is the best thing ever stage, and you can still have special things which are just between mum and child or dad and child or grandma and child or whatever, just being open about it. It's a healthy way to be.

I wouldn't like it.

I wouldn't like my dc to be told to keep a secret on order to get something they want.

I wouldn't like to be made out to be someone that secrets had to be kept from.

I wouldn't like sweets to be portrayed as some taboo thing that had to be hidden away.

I do empathise pohnoitsa and OP, and as I mentioned my Mum is very similar.

I'm particularly shocked by what passes for breakfast cereal at their house, but I did have to laugh and clutch my pearls a bit at this ...

"offering jam and butter on crumpets"

HaHa ! I can laugh at this from every angle !

( as well as thinking there are some serious points to consider here )

I butter my toast for cheese on toast, usually buy extra mozzerella to put on pizzas and find it odd that some people don't put butter then jam on crumpets. We aren't obese but i'd rather have a small amount of nice food than alot of less tasty food.

I think that children should not be brought up to have secrets from their parents.

I was told something recently by a tradesman working on my house.

His sub-contractors daughter (8) had almost been a victim of abuse by the stepfather of a child who was having a sleepover.

There were five girls in total and the stepfather/mum's boyfriend was up in the bedroom with the girls. He made them all make a promise not to tell and then made up a game where he intended to abuse them.

This girl refused to make the promise, went downstairs and told the mother of the child who was having the sleepover what was going on. Unfortunately the man had started to abuse the girls, but the girl ensured that it had not proceeded much further by telling the mum. The mum called the police and it turned out that he had been charged and convicted of abuse previously.

So perhaps the girl's instincts on not keeping secrets was the one thing that stopped this man in his tracks. The family are waiting for the case to go to court now.