To think being on maternity leave doesn't make me a SAHM

[DesperatelySeekingPomBears]

I'm currently on ML and due to go back to work fairly soon.

However, for the past 8 months both DP and DM have referred to me as a SAHM for the purposes of housework etc.

AIBU to think I'm not a SAHM (although I would dearly love to be) but a WOHM who is still employed, being paid by my employer and enjoying a government sanctioned period of time at home bonding with my baby?

smp is such a pittance its irrelevant?

I think it depends on how long you have off with maty leave. i was off for 3 months with mine and was pretty knackered during that time with breastfeeding and sdisturbance. By the time I returned to work things had improved though so if I'd been off for a further 9 months I would have regarded myself as a SAHM then as extended maty leave is a lifestyle choice and in many jobs the maty pay after 3 months is rubbish so you don't contribute much financially to the family coffers apart from being free childcare which is what makes you a SAHM.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears if your wage is not much more than SMP then financially its no brainer to go to work. Don't delude yourself you aren't contributing to the family's bank balance by going back to work unless you have free childcare and no travel costs.

"And again, I'm not suggesting woman B becomes a skivvy. Just that, as a SAHM, she will do more housework than her partner. Not all, but more. Surely that's reasonable? "

Depends what you define as housework. Yes, woman B will do far more childcare, she will spend more time cleaning up after the kids as they will be in the home.

Ok, your logic. Woman B becomes a stay at home mum after the birth of her second child, she then has a third child. Do you think Woman B should reduce the amount of housework that she does when her third child is born?

In a loving relationship there is give and take. I when I was pregnant and ill my husband took on far more housework than 50% inspite of the fact that he was earning far more than me. In fact I think he did 80% to 90% at one point.

When I was better and on maternity leave I increased the amount of house work I did inspite of being on 90% salary for most of my maternity leave. (Rather than crappy SMP) I left my job because the finances did not add up and I do about 75% of the housework and look after two children.

I think that people should do what they can round the house rather than thinking about how much the other person earns.

YABU. If you're at home all day and DH at work, then for the purposes of housework, clearly you are the one at home and should do it. The fact that you're receiving maternity pay is a complete irrelevance!

I'm a SAHM and generally do about as much housework as it takes to make the house look approximately the same when DH gets back from work as it did when he left, which frankly feels like fuckloads. I don't do more than that during the day because it's my job to look after the kids. If your nanny, childminder or nursery workers did loads of housework instead of interacting with your kids you'd be justifiably pissed off.

I didn't run around cleaning the house when my infant took a nap - I sat on my ass resting...just like my husband sat on his ass having coffee with his work mates on his breaks and lunch hour.

He was expected to pitch in with cleaning when he was home or on weekends. But then I have a fast paced job and STILL find it more relaxing than staying at home managing childcare and domestic tasks. Perhaps its a personality thing....?

Some babies sleep for two hours a day. Surely there is only so long that you want to sit on your arse resting. Certainly when you have an older child then sleeping when the baby sleeps is not an option.

Women have maternity leave because getting up in the night two to three times and breastfeeding makes doing any kind of decent work impossible.

Ironically some mothers still manage to get up with the toddler, get the older child to school and still have broken nights with a small baby some how. Sadly the second or third time mum can't have the luxury of a nap.

"Surely there is only so long that you want to sit on your arse resting".

Not when I've been up every 1.5-2hrs.

I have a high tolerance though for sitting on my bum .

I am going to be a wreck when baby 2 is born in a few months. The house is going to be in a right state - I can see it now.

What a bizarre distinction. It's all very theoretical and doesn't get the washing up done. Who exactly is doing all the housework while you are playing peekaboo all day?

Have another child or two and you will look back and laugh at how precious you were.

My oh and I have a division of chores that has rarely changed since before dd comes along. Oh does the laundry, stacks the dishwasher, hoovers the stairs and we split the general hoovering. All other housework is mine. It's a division that's formed naturally as it suits what we're best at. I can make the kitchen sparkle where he can't see dirt and he can keep whites white! Now I'm on maternity again, oh doesn't expect me to do more. In fact he picks up a little more now as my back is screwed and I'm exhausted (pregnancy and illness related). Housework gets done on days when we can get rid of the little whirlwind that is dd. oh knows I'll up my share when this latest phase is over and dc2 is here, as with babies something's aren't as easy to leave as with a toddler (bottles etc). It's all give and take.

Am I speaking some kind of bizarre foreign language? I don't mind doing the housework! Tbh the housework isn't the issue its being called something that I'm not ie a SAHM.

These threads confuse me so much.

The point of being a SAHM/on maternity leave is not to do the housework. Well who the fuck's job is it to do it?

During my 3 episodes of (very short) maternity leave it was a relief having someone home all the time who could keep the place tidy, shop and cook.
My DH would come in and take the baby giving me time on my own to get a break. Winners all round. What are women doing? Staring at their babies all day?

You sound like you have a superiority complex and feel housework is beneath you. It just makes practical sense that the person not working 40 hours out of the home does the majority. Nothing to do with male/female roles.
I'd be furious if my DH stayed home for a year and I came home from work every day to see him and DC snuggled up together surrounded by a shit heap.

It's lazy and self-indulgent.

Er, dainty, have you read any of my posts? I. Do. Not. Mind. Doing. The. Housework.

Now we've cleared that up, its about being referred to as something I'm not. I'm sure a police officer wouldn't like to be constantly referred to as a fire fighter because they both wear a uniform and help people. That's not to say that either job is more worthy than the other, just that they are different.

ilovedaintynuts if there aren't toys all over the living room when whichever one of us comes home, oh and I run straight to dd and check to see if she has a temperature. Mil takes dd a day a week, now she does that even she thinks there's something wrong with dd if she hasn't wrecked the house and has stopped saying whoever looks after her should do housework. Maybe some kids are more placid than others. Mines a wonderful nutter who, whilst thoroughly capable of entertaining herself, requires constant supervision.

Lets put it in a nut shell. DesperatelySeekingPomBears doesn't want to be called a Stay at home mum because she thinks that stay at home mums are women who are too thick/ lazy to get a job. She feel that being a working mum is contributing to the family more than a SAHM even if she is at a financial loss going to work.

Or is it about status. Prehaps DesperatelySeekingPomBears doesn't see childcare as a worthwhile or reasonable way for someone to spend their life.

You don't mind doing the housework, you mind being called a sahm, because you think it implies housework, Yet your distinctions make no sense, the only message coming through is that its offensive to call you a stay at home mother, when really you are a mother that currently stays at home, which is entirely different. Somehow. Nobody but you can tell why though.
It's a status thing for you.

Desparatelyseekibgpombears the job is the same. It just happens to be temporary, not permanent. In most sectors, a temporary worker would have the same job title as a permenant worker.

That is obviously true. Which is why I say, repeatedly, that I would love to be a sahm.

Ok I'm BU. I'll accept that. For the purpose of the role I'm a SAHM and will stop correcting my DM and DP.

But please stop vilifying me and putting out statements I haven't made. I would love to be a SAHM and have never stated or insinuated that they're lazy or stupid.

Can I ask why you are going back to work then, seeing as you won't be financially better off, and you want to be a SAHM?

Because Cee, at the moment I bring in around £580ish per month in SMP.

When I go back to work, I will bring in around £450 per month after I've paid for DS's childcare and my fuel to get to work.

We cannot afford for me not to bring in that £450. DP earns a good wage, however he is just above the threshold for WTC or CTC. We have bills to pay that we can't cut back on any further, we already cut back as far as we could when my employers forced me onto part time hours. Therefore, I have to go to work, it may be a 'pittance' but it's a necessary pittance.

Oh ok, sorry I misunderstood your post above where you said We're actually going to be slightly worse off when I go back to work once childcare is deducted

OP YANBU you are correct about definitions.

If your DP is asking you to take on tasks you don't want to, say no.

I think that much is simple. The distinctions between ML, SAHM and housewife, definitions and implications of each could occupy a month of debate.

Personally, I'm focusing more on activity than definition and I think that people, not money, determine how people behave.

But further up the thread you said that SMP was not much less than what you are currently earning.

Lets do the maths

Childcare for 1 child per month £900 (This takes into account you and your dh using childcare vouchers. In my town it costs £50 per day for a nursery, but childcare vouchers help. Without childcare vouchers you are looking at £50*25 days or £1250 per month) If you are part time then ofcourse childcare costs will be less.

Cost of travel (It could be anything!) Lets assume £5 a day. (ie. £100 per month)
Other costs of going to work (Ie. clothes, higher costs of food) £50

I asssume that you must have quite a high salary £1500 after deductions, if you are bringing in £450. This substantially more than SMP and not many women have such a high paying job. Especially as you said that "my employers forced me onto part time hours."

Really tired - Wouldnt be 900 a month here you could get 2 kids in 40 hours a week for that here and Im in South