To think being on maternity leave doesn't make me a SAHM

[DesperatelySeekingPomBears]

I'm currently on ML and due to go back to work fairly soon.

However, for the past 8 months both DP and DM have referred to me as a SAHM for the purposes of housework etc.

AIBU to think I'm not a SAHM (although I would dearly love to be) but a WOHM who is still employed, being paid by my employer and enjoying a government sanctioned period of time at home bonding with my baby?

They "potter" when you teach them how. Surely you don't entertain your children constantly, they get on with stuff themselves sometimes?

Anyone can define themselves however they want. And anyone can bake cakes, or not bake cakes, or whatever they want. Aren't we lucky that way?

When I had DD1 I was on maternity leave for nine months and I made sure tea was on the table and toys were tidied away and I looked after DD1 if other stuff got done it was a bonus and it reduced what both DH and I had to do after DD was in bed. After nine months we decided I wasn't going back to work and would be a SAHM for a while. At that point I had to reorganise my day to fit more of the housework into the time DH was at work because it became my job, I was no longer being paid so I 'earned my keep' by doing the jobs at home.

I can see what you mean OP and I would agree that there is a distinction between Maternity leave and being a SAHM.

To be honest, the only thing that narks me is the double standard.

Asked DP if he would assist in searching for a child minder and I was told I should do that because I'm a SAHM and therefore have time for these things. I did point out that if I really was a SAHM then the need for a childminder wouldn't arise but still [shrug] I suppose it is a minor grievance in the grand scheme of things.

Oh jesus H christ not every baby naps!!!!

but yeah I wouldnt get too worked up actually I'm a weeny bit jealous.

Well if I had any of that from my DM I pointed out that I wasn't taking time out from my career progression in order to iron shirts that I wouldn't otherwise iron. That's not the point of maternity leave.

I have this distinction too. I was made redundant as I was due back from maternity so it's always been - worker, maternity, job seeker, worker and maternity again. After this maternity runs out I'll be a stay at home mum for a while. But I am not a housewife. I've made this very clear to DP. Until such a time as I stop contributing financially to the household, I will not be considered a housewife!!!

DP laughs at me.

I thought the baby's naptimes were when we were supposed to sleep, to make up for the horror that is night-time?
One problem with doing a lot more housework when on ML is that when you go back to work it can be hard to give those tasks back..

The point about redundancy btw, was meant to be that whilst I'm a sahm that money will go towards the household. Seems a random comment otherwise

OP - your problem is not about bring called anything. It's that you would like to spend more time at home once your mat leave finishes.

Discuss that with your DH and forget details about who's called what.

It's a very rare baby (under 1) that doesn't nap at all. Highly unusual indeed.

Is the actual problem here a distinction between housewife and SAHM? A whole other thorny thread indeed. But I think that is actually what you are talking about more.

'you probably should be doing more so that DH has time to work and spend time with his child '

He should be doing more to help his wife recover from the birth and lack of sleep breastfeeding all night.

DH was SAHD for years. Never expected tea-on-the table-you-are-my-housekeeper just because I worked. He did, too, looking after our children.

You seem to be getting hung up about semantics. I would have referred to myself as a SAHM (if I'd referred to myself as anything though tbh I can't recall it arising) while on maternity leave. Certainly in terms of housework and getting up in the night for wakeful children i did more while on ML than when I returned to work because if you're at home it's easier to do those things.
But really - how much does it matter?

Also OP I would have thought he would have wanted to be involved in choosing the person that will spend so much time with your child.

Arf at 'you should be doing more so that your DH has time with the baby'. What is going to happen when the OP is going back to work?
And isn't the time spent with baby not about the baby rather than homework? After all that's what you'd expect from a nursery/childminder and the OP, as she is on ML, is doing exactly that : minding a child, not doing HW.

And actually I think it does matter because there is a lot of underlying expectations associated with SAHM. One of them is that she should be doing all the HW whilst so nice hubby is working so hard earning money. As if looking after the dcs wasn't working/hard.

Semantics quite often tells a lot about what is going on.

My DH got 'housewife' put on DS's birth certificate rather than my profession. I was temporarily not working.
I was not at all happy.

Oh, and my DD1 never napped at home, without a long walk in the pram first, and never had another nap after 18 months, unless it was on a long drive.

I could only bake cakes when DS was awake because I had to hold him if I wanted him to nap. I did get very quick at getting a banana loaf mixed and in the oven though.

I had to stop baking cakes in the end though due to eating too many of them myself.

I really don't understand some of these points. Like this one:

And actually I think it does matter because there is a lot of underlying expectations associated with SAHM. One of them is that she should be doing all the HW whilst so nice hubby is working so hard earning money. As if looking after the dcs wasn't working/hard.

Someone has to do the housework. Do people really just do child stuff all day and expect whoever has been out working all day (or night, or whatever) to come in and do exactly half of all housework? Doesn't seem reasonable to me, and it makes no difference which parent works or not. Shit's got to be done, I would think the one at home does a bit more of it.
Does looking after one baby take so long that you can't put a wash on and make some dinner? It's been a long time since I had one baby, maybe it does.

sorry couldn't resist with you name lol

atm you ar a sahm, then once you return to work you are a WOHM none of those things means you do alot of housework it should be split in a fair way

If housework is so important hire a cleaner.

life is way to short to argue over who mops the floor

I have no problem with being called a SAHM temporarily. DP will be taking 2 weeks off later in the year to look after DD and I've commented that he'll be a SAHD for that period.

Being called a housewife or expected to do all the housework (though I do do more than DP) is a different story.

Housework doesn't have to be a huge deal nowadays. How hard is it to put laundry in a machine, switch it in and peg out the washing later. Shopping can be done on line, so anyone having time to post on here can tick a shopping list. My second baby wasn't a great napper, but even so, I managed to cope on maternity leave with him and toddler dd, and I did all the laundry, kept the house in a reasonable state (hoovering , bathrooms cleaned etc) . It would have seemed faintly ridiculous to wait for my dh to walk in from work and then insist he do 50% of the housework. Once i returned from ML, we split things equally (including night wakings as this is a killer when you have to get up for work next morning). I returned 3 days a week though, so if I had a non-work day the next day I would do night wakings then. It's easier to rest a bit the next day at home (even with a baby and toddler) than if you're at work . Unless you have a totally stress free job where you sit on your backside all day and no one places any demands on you, but frankly i don't know anyone paid to do that.

I think you shouldn't get so hung up on this op. It wouldn't matter a jot to me if someone described me as a SAHM while on ML- and indeed, even when I went back to work 3 days I was still a SAHM on the days I wasn't paid to be in work

To be fair I don't find fitting the basic housework in hard at all. We all have clean, ironed clothes, there is food in the cupboards and the carpet is more or less free from dog hair. I just feel my role at the moment is more about spending lots of lovely time with DS rather than making sure the bathroom mirror is gleaming and the cupboards are disinfected daily IYSWIM?

Arguing about who cleans the toilet i get it.
Arguing about who choose the cm i don't tbh. You wouldn't be able to keep me out of this even if i worked 90 hours pw. I don't know how men-it is mostly men it seems- can say 'whatever. I'll leave it to you'.

I think the problem here is feeling disrespected?

Too many men/women think HW means house slave that's the problem. mutual respect needs to continue.

@what.
It's an issue with expectations. I would not agree (and did not) to be responsible for all the HW just because I am at home. At home my priority was the dcs (and yes I had 2 dcs under for a while) NOT the HW. If it gets done, that's fine. If it doesn't it doesn't. Which then means that whatever isn't done is done by both of us when we can do it.
Not an issue about leaving everything, not doing anything else and then doing a 50-50 split.
However, saying that HW has to be done by the SAHP and expecting everything to be done so that the WOHP can then relax from work and have a nice quality time with the dcs is not on.
And it happens that quite often this is what is implied by the word SAHM, ie 'you have plenty of time to do the HW, you are at home so it's just fair that you do it.' The same way actually that it is not unusual for WAHM to be expected to do the HW 'because they are at home' and 'it's easy to put the washing to go. Just takes 2 minutes' even though they are suppose to work.

I've always regarded looking after my dcs just as important as work. If you shouldn't expect a parent working from home to do HW during the working hours, then you shouldn't expect it to happen when you look after the dcs, or at least it should not be part of your job description (so it's nice if it's done but not an issue if it isn't)