To hate it when midwives say "good girl" when women are giving birth

[thing1andthing2]

I hear it all the time on OBEM and more recently The Midwives. Women are giving it their all, pushing out their babies, and the midwives say "good girl". I know it's supposed to be encouraging, but still, can you imagine a man enduring an invasive procedure and the doctor or nurse reassuring him by saying "good boy, just relax, good boy, you're doing really well"?

I can't.

And if it's not OK to patronise a man this way, how come it's ok to be so patronising to women?

Rant over.

I was quite young when I had dd1 (21) and I was called a silly girl and I should have known better to get pregnant I was also told I was being a silly girl making too much noise , It wasn't the most pleasant experience, so I cringe when I hear it yanbu

Being called a silly anything would piss me off

BeehavingBaby I think detail is always good. I really hate the non-specific "you're doing really well" (although it is far better than "good girl") which can seem really empty and get very repetitive. How about, "your breathing through that last contraction was brilliant" or "that was an intense one wasn't it, we're getting closer" or "that's another one you won't have to do again". Anything that shows you are paying attention rather than just making the right noises.

Also, using her name, it's really powerful psychologically to hear your name, "that's great Jane" , not constantly, but enough to ensure her that she is important and not another faceless patient.

The issue I have with "good girl" is what it says about the dynamic in the room. It's a phrase that belongs to a dog doing a party trick, or a small girl doing something that pleases an adult, not a grown woman bringing life into the world. A lot of people have said on here about the age of the midwife, it implies that the person saying it has seniority, and the person on the receiving end is doing something for that person. In the delivery room the most important person is the mother, she has to be, it is her body birthing the baby, any decisions made are about her body. To imply that the midwife is senior to her suggests that she is not the person who gets the final say on what happens to her body, and that is just wrong.
So yes, it's just 2 words, and some people don't care, but it is anonymous, condescending and suggestive of a "good" quiet patient, not making a fuss or inconveniencing anyone while other people "do" birth to her. If that's what you want, that's your choice, but it's not what everyone wants and I don't believe it belongs in woman-centred obstetrics.

It annoys me more when people say 'i knew you could do it' WTF? Well, yes, of course you did, there was a baby in there, It was coming out one way or another?

Me and my friends say ' good girl ' for a million different reasons.

It's never bothered us.

But then we aren't all hung up about being disempowered and all that stuff.

I can't remember anything my MWs said to me other than "push". Obv. didn't offend me though.

Second time round the MW couldn't have used my first name as she didn't know it until after the baby arrived, as I got to her delivery room 10cms and ready to push.

It was very surreal doing the form filling with her after the birth.

Labour is such a personal experience. As is clear from this thread, some didn't mind what was said to them in labour, others did. Those who didn't mind don't need to understand why it bothers others. Suggesting others are being a bit silly for minding is rude and, well, silly. :)

THe mw who attended my 2nd birth used my name a lot and also kept eye contact with me when I was transitional and leaning on the edge of the birthing pool. That was very reassuring. When I told her I was scared, she didn't belittle but asked why I was scared and then helped me rationalise those feelings. She was ACE.

It does seem an odd thing to say in retrospect.

My midwife said it to many times during the birth and I have to say I didn't give a fig as I was too busy concentrating on the pain/pushing.

My DH wasn't too impressed and thought it sounded patronising. He didn't say anything to the midwife though. I'm glad because even though it does sound rather odd/patronising I think it is intended purely as encouragement and I think ''good lady'' would probably sound ridiculous!

That's the whole point of aibu isn't it though

I have no idea whatsoever what they called me - I was far to busy lol

Very true Everlong :)

I don't recall it from either labour to be honest, but agree that 'good girl' is patronising. It's kindly meant so I would never say anything. Would just be struck that as you say OP, grown men are never told 'good boy'.

I do recall MIL who's Irish, cuddling DD when she was tiny and crying and saying in a soft, soothing voice, 'ah you poor little woman' - made me the notion of it.

Everlong do you speak to everyone, and always expect to be spoken to in the same manner you speak to your friends? I don't, my friends and I call each other all kinds of things we wouldn't take from elsewhere. Never "good girl" though, I can't imagine that, but I suppose that is just how we interact.

I did once have a boyfriend call me a "good girl" during sex though. That was creepy as fuck, and I asked him not to again.

I'm trying to imagine a situation where I might be pleased to be addressed like that (there are a few where I would tolerate it, but not prefer it). The only one I can think of is from my parents, but that's mostly nostalgia and it would make me feel like a kid.

Different situations. I would just rather a medical professional didn't use that turn of phrase when I was in a vulnerable position. I know "disempowering" is a fluffy hippy crap term, but it's a simple way to put it. In a social situation if someone I was on equal terms with called me a good girl I would probably feel a little silly, in a young, giggly girly, blushing with pride kind of way, I'm not into that, but it's OK, and in that situation, you can throw it right back at them. In labour I need to feel like I am strong, capable and safe (i.e. in charge, no one is going to do something to me I don't want, or talk me into something I don't want), because otherwise it's hard to imagine getting through it.

Can you imagine turning to your midwife and saying "good girl, you did a lovely job on that cannula"

I think the MW may have said it, but she said a lot of things and I was in agony and it's all a bit of a blur. I disagree that it's always somehow patronising; in my particular situation, the MW was a lot older than me, and acted in a very maternal way - bit no nonsense, and lots of guidance rather than instructions - and that was what I needed in that situation. MWs should follow a woman's cues, and if she wants to feel like a more experienced woman is helping her, then that is what she should have.

Good point and post nanny I can understand where you are coming from although I don't agree with it personally.

I've given birth 5 times, the when I was 20 and the last when I was 37.

I can only remember being told good girl once. Although it could have been said during the other labours.

The one I remembered was with ds3 a horrendous labour and birth. Quite a few complications, some distress with ds all in all a painful and worrying time.

My MW was excellent and kept reassuring me I could do it, I kept saying I couldn't. I remember after lots of contractions her saying ' good girl ' to me. I was 23 so I was a girl I suppose, but it felt lovely to me.

I liked it

I did once have a boyfriend call me a "good girl" during sex though. That was creepy as fuck, and I asked him not to again.

The last person who called me a good girl was my dad when I was about 15. He wasn't being creepy. He was just really pleased I'd tidied my room after days of my mum telling me to do it. He couldn't take much more of the arguments

I still asked him huffily not to do it again and he didn't.

It's not at all precious not to like it.

I should preview my damn posts.

The first when I was 20!

YADNBU! Also when they call the couple "mum" and "dad"
"Mum, you have a puff on the gas and air, and Dad, can you help to make Mum a bit more comfortable, hold her hand.." FFS , my name is AFTEREIGHT, not Mum. The only notes I put on my birthplan 2nd time around were that I wanted to be called my own name, and I wanted drugs

When ds was delivers by section at 32 weeks, the female surgeon said ' Well done mum for carrying him this long' - I could've kissed her!

delivered

Aw valium

My birth plan pretty much said don't touch me, the baby or talk to me.

Really starlight?

Did that happen for you?