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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate it when midwives say "good girl" when women are giving birth

133 replies

thing1andthing2 · 10/09/2012 20:59

I hear it all the time on OBEM and more recently The Midwives. Women are giving it their all, pushing out their babies, and the midwives say "good girl". I know it's supposed to be encouraging, but still, can you imagine a man enduring an invasive procedure and the doctor or nurse reassuring him by saying "good boy, just relax, good boy, you're doing really well"?

I can't.

And if it's not OK to patronise a man this way, how come it's ok to be so patronising to women?

Rant over.

OP posts:

QuangleWangleQuee · 10/09/2012 22:41

at saying "good boy, just relax, good boy, you're doing really well" to a man enduring an invasive procedure.
A couple of days before my elective caesarian I had to see the anaesthetist and she got me to bend over so she could look at my spine properly, then as I stood up she patted me on the bum and said "Good!" She seemed quite horsey, so maybe when i bent over she forgot I wasn't a horse or something.

3littlerabbits · 10/09/2012 22:51

Still laughing at floradix fido comment

ProcessYellowC · 10/09/2012 23:00

Another who wouldn't mind it, it is a caring statement. If it was used in a belittling context then yes, I would take offence but surely "silly woman" or "be quiet woman" would be far worse than "good girl". Caring statements often don't make sense. I still clearly remember holding my newborn getting his vitamin K drops and whispering "clever boy" - why would that make him clever . Tbh the equivalent for a man getting a vasectomy might be "well done" - what has he done well other than lie there? a

Interesting point about the group of women: I remember doing a diversity course and learned with shock that it wasn't done to call a woman a girl - but to me "girl" is just the opposite of "guy" in addition to its meaning of a very young woman (and I use guy/guys frequently).

FoofyShmooffer · 10/09/2012 23:07

Had I not been off my nut on G&A I might have cared.

Actually no. I still don't think I would.

CoolaSchmoola · 10/09/2012 23:19

I didn't particularly "gel" (naff word but true) with the MW who delivered DD - but I wouldn't have cared if she'd called me a good girl - although I might have snickered and said "you clearly don't know me"

The lovely MWs and Dr who came to stitch me up (yup, two MWs, one Dr, ten ton of gas and air and local anaesthetic that didn't work) were great though. Mind you they were there an hour and a half - I was less than an hour start to finish having DD, so maybe I just had more time to bond with them lol!

AmberLeaf · 10/09/2012 23:27

I really can't get worked about about it TBH.

Cant remember what my midwives called me but I do remember the ones that were kind.

BeehavingBaby · 10/09/2012 23:28

...only comforting, empowering things...

Would love examples - I am a midwifery student, and although I never say 'good girl', I either stick to 'well done' or get into too much detail when trying to be encouraging, I fear.

dysfunctionalme · 10/09/2012 23:30

More than this I remember midwife picking up baby and saying, "She wants to be with Mum" and me thinking/confused Huh? My mum's here? Oh no! Took ages to twig that I had morphed into Mum

waterlego6064 · 10/09/2012 23:34

Beehaving 'well done' is nice. My mw also said things like 'you're doing brilliantly' and 'you can do this' ('I can't!' 'But you ARE doing this!') all of which were encouraging and non-patronising. I hate hearing 'good girl' on the birth programmes but I have to be honest and say that I'm not sure I'd have noticed it being said to me in the throes of labour.

lechatnoir · 10/09/2012 23:34

Better than one of the older midwives popping her head around the door soon after I'd given birth to congratulate me on 'pushing out a whopper face to fanny' (back to back for those wondering WTF like I did [Shock]

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/09/2012 23:35

I had so much gas and air and a ventouse I can't remember anything my midwife said.

waterlego6064 · 10/09/2012 23:36

LOL @ Lechat's mw!

cjdamoo · 10/09/2012 23:37

So glad I am not the only one who Wrote in my birth plan do Not refer to me as Mum. As for good girl I have never encountered this in 5 births. To be fair though I go into myself and probably wouldnt have noticed.

SerenaJoy · 10/09/2012 23:54

Reading this thread just shows that one woman's words of encouragement are another woman's patronising bullshit.

My midwife was lovely, and she could've called me Nigel for all I knew/cared, so long as she was helping me get DS out (which she did, admirably).

BackforGood · 11/09/2012 00:02

Some people don't have much to worry about in their lives, if you can get worked up about someone trying to be encouraging and nice to you.

JeremyKylesPetProject · 11/09/2012 00:03

I was called a good girl by an elderly mw with a lovely soft Irish accent. It made me feel safe and secure because she sounded like my long departed nan. I'd rather be called 'Good girl' than 'That's it'.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 11/09/2012 00:03

dysfuncionaime me too!!!! In fact, when I'd just had DS1, they said 'let's pass him to Mum then' and I actually looked around for my mum before I got that they meant me

RE: good girl - I was up half the night with bloody contractions that lead nowhere again (extensive prodromal phase with DC3 at the moment) and actively told DH to stop calling me good girl.... It was making my blood boil... he it wonderful and meant it completely nicely, but as a phrase, it really, really gets on my wick.

I am not a girl, I am bloody 34!!!

Badgerina · 11/09/2012 00:11

I think I'd punch anyone who said that to me during birth

YADNBU

porcamiseria · 11/09/2012 08:03

people get fussed by the funniest things!!!!

jellyboatsandpirates · 11/09/2012 08:09

I can't even remember if the midwife said this to me when I had either of my small ones. With the 5 yr old, who I was pregnant with last, I couldn't have told you whether it was a man, woman, alien or trained chimp instructing me what to do.
I certainly didn't take a blind bit of notice of what was coming out of their mouths, I was too busy trying to get the little fecker out.
There's more important things to worry about, in my opinion.

Psammead · 11/09/2012 08:10

I cannot remember a single thing anyone said to me during labour in the hospital, apart from 'Put your socks on or else you'll get a bladder infection' at which point a contraction unfortunately smothered my question of whether she was or was not an actual medical person with real training, and then right afterwards, her asking if we knew what it was, we said 'girl' and she said 'oh really? Are you sure about that?' with an amused ring in her voice. It was a girl. Why would she think that was funny?

MyLastDuchess · 11/09/2012 08:16

It's funny you should say this as I was just thinking about it this morning when I called my 2yo a "good boy".

They do it in Dutch too ... "braaf meisje".

What on earth is wrong with "Well done," "You're doing great," or other possibly ungrammatical constructs?

It's a known issue that health care professionals tend to be more patronising towards women. I visited an NHS doctor years ago who was explaining to me what they would need to do if I had a colonoscopy (fortunately wasn't necessary): "We'll put a small camera up your botty." FFS, I was about 30 and so was he! And if he was embarrassed to use the correct terms then he had no business being a GP.

CailinDana · 11/09/2012 08:24

A teacher of mine when I was 8/9 used to say "Good woman!" or "Good woman yourself!" Always made us smile, still does in fact

I don't think any of my midwives said "good girl" but then I wasn't listening to a word they were saying so I'm not sure.

As for encouraging things, I suppose that really varies from person to person. I think a really good midwife picks up on the woman's body language and judges how that individual woman will respond to different things. The first midwife I met while in labour clearly had a script and just automatically applied her "comfort" in the same way to everyone - she continued to rub my back as I puked even though blind freddy could see I was cringing away from her. She just took no notice and DH had to tell her to come out of the bathroom and let me be sick by myself.

The second midwife, whom I had shortly after thank god, was far far better. She was chatty at first but then clocked that I needed space and quiet and just shut up. She was there when I needed her, and responded to my questions but was in no way interfering. She was just about perfect. I just remember her presence being reassuring because I felt like she was watching out for me and actually listening to what I was saying (unlike yet another midwife who just wanted to do her own thing and treated me like an inconvenience). I do remember the great midwife saying "She knows what she's doing" to the other midwife which was hugely reassuring because it sounded like she meant it and it gave me confidence in myself.

CanIOfferYouAPombear · 11/09/2012 08:40

My midwife said this loads and I loved it. I felt like I was back in school like but it made me feel safe and positive.

catgirl2012 · 11/09/2012 08:49

I wouldn't have given a monkeys. They probably did call me "good girl" - I was too busy having DS yanked out of my fanjo with forceps to give it much thought

Mind you, given I am cat girl I am hardly likely to have minded :)

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