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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DSD should come on holiday with us

120 replies

DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 11:53

AIBU to think DSD would be better off coming on weekend away with me, DH and DD than staying at home for potential birth of baby?

DM is due on day we are meant to go on holiday. She isn't sure if she is happy for DSD to come and she's not sure where she will be It is a Friday and I thought she would be in school.

Genuinely not sure why DM would like DSD not to come? What do you fellow MNers think? Personally I thought: if she is early (as she was with DSD) then she might like the break and having new baby time for a few days; if she was due date DSD would be 'out the way' so she wouldn't have to make arrangements; or if she was later she would get a rest before giving birth. I can only see it all as win-win (putting I, but in fact is we, as DH and I feel same way about this).

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/09/2012 15:03

OP has already said that the trip was booked before the pregnancy was announced.

5madthings · 09/09/2012 15:03

that has already been answered fairylea as i asked and the op and her dh had NOT been told the due date when they booked the weekend away, it is non refundable and the dates cannot be changes, the op has already looked at that option.

and if they have to bring the dd home then ONE of them will miss say 5 hrs off the break, probably less if its just a case of dropping her at home and then returning themselves, but if they are happy with that then its not a problem.

the chances are that the baby wont be born that weekend anway, i think statistically only a tiny % of babies are born on their due date.

5madthings · 09/09/2012 15:04

i dont think she is seeking validation, she is asking opionions and has been very grateful to receive them from what i can see :)

5madthings · 09/09/2012 15:07

and yes we booked our holiday for this sept, before xmas, no-one important was preg at that point but had they have been then it would have been tough luck, esp as its really hard for dp to get time off work and we alreayd have the schools permission to take the boys out for a week.

i never expected people to book their holidays around when i was due to give birth!

and i do think the op is trying to do a good thing, it may well be helpful for the mum to have a bit of a rest and they CAN make sure the dd is returned asap, we have NO reason to doubt that they would take her back if they were called and asked to do so.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 15:08

You would hope that if the mother was assured that her DD would be returned at the time she wants she would want her DD to have a nice time away. If I was asked to bet I would put my money on it not being that weekend anyway.

SummerRain · 09/09/2012 15:15

ds2 was 5 days old before my older two met him.

He was ill and admitted to SCBU who had a no siblings policy, they saw me twice in those 5 days.

The hardest part for me in a way was being torn between my older children and my newborn... but at the end of the day my parents and dp were there for the older dcs, they bonded just fine when they finally met him.

I'm just saying, your DSDs mother has no idea how the birth will proceed, things don't always go to plan, and personally the thought of my older child being safe and happy would be more important than her being at home with me... it's only a weekend away and if you're close enough to rush back if things happen then what's the harm.

The chances of anything happening that weekend are unlikely anyway, only a small percentage of babies arrive conveniently on their due date and I would imagine missing a holiday with her family if nothing happens would be more damaging to her relationship with the newborn than not being in the house whilst her mother is in early labour would be.... if it was a homebirth and both she and her mother wanted her to be present it would be different but if she's being sent to gps anyway I can't see the point of her missing the holiday?

Sassybeast · 09/09/2012 16:04

From the OP : ' She isn't sure if she is happy for DSD to come and she's not sure where she will be'

This kind of cancels out any projections from random internetters about what this woman should or should not be feeling/be grateful for/bend to other peoples wills for.

herhonesty · 09/09/2012 20:45

I'm really sorry but I don't understand what your motivations are for putting your foot down about this. I'm sure you dont want to come across as a wicked stepmother but it does sort of read a bit like that. as a mother I'd sort of hope you'd respect another mothers choices at a very sensitive time.

Original poster

DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 21:09

Honestly her i don't know where you're getting that from. My whole post is about understanding what is happening, and for those who were confused i pointed out early on there was never any thought of insisting anything.

All of this is now void anyway as DM has explained further to DH this evening and it turns out it was not really about the birth . Another holiday has been booked and DM didn't want any hassle from the school about missing days (her words). She has asked school for a week off next year and thought we wanted 2 days which she thought would cause problem. DH reiterated that we would pick DSD up AFTER school and drop back at school so she is now fine about it.

OP posts:

herhonesty · 09/09/2012 21:14

Just telling you how it reads!

Original poster

DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 21:22

Please quote back to me where that 'reads' from. Personally I think it reflects your own issues rather than what is flat text stating we would never insist.

OP posts:

BartletForTeamGB · 09/09/2012 21:23

I think herhonesty is reading a bit much into it!

anyway, glad it is all sorted. Enjoy your wee holiday!

Socknickingpixie · 09/09/2012 22:06

every single one of my dc's has been around for the birth of the younger dc's, its just what we do. the children meet the new sibblings befor any other family member. its part of our family welcome and they are very much involved in preperations.

i wouldnt dream of sending a dc away. perhaps shes a bit like me

EMS23 · 09/09/2012 22:46

Oh DomeDon how very frustrating! My DH gets on will with his ex and generally arrangements for my DSS are easy enough to sort out but every once in a while, situations like you've experienced today arise.

If only she'd just said that, about the other holiday and days off school etc, in the first place. Instead, you were sat there worrying you'd done the wrong thing, tying yourself in knots about what to do for the best, taking some flak on here!

Like I say my DH and his ex generally get on great but you do have my sympathy on this one as its definitely a familiar situation, albeit infrequent for us!

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 23:26

DoMeDon - hurrah! So your DSD can go away with you after all and what did her mother say if the baby does happen to come that weekend? Does she want you to hotfoot it back to take her DD to see the new baby or is she happy to wait until the end of the weekend?

I have to say, it would have helped and saved a lot of bother if she'd just been honest about her reasons in the first place - then you'd have been able to reassure her immediately and none of this would have happened.

apachepony · 10/09/2012 00:01

It's incredibly depressing that a sm posts who clearly is fond of her sd, makes her feel welcome in her family, posts to understand what her sd's m is thinking (calling her dm rather than ex or anything) and at no point insists that things will be done her way and STILL the wicked stepmother thing gets trotted out. It's fucking ridiculous.

Original poster

DoMeDon · 10/09/2012 07:32

Thumb- we are not required to head back. In fact after DM said it was never about the birth, she didn't mention it again. DH and I talked it over and if we get the call, albeit unlikely, we will offer to bring DSD back.

EMS it was very frustrating to find out it was about holiday forms!! Of all things.

apache- Thanks so much for that- wondered if I was getting sensitive in my old age I love DSD, she is very much a part of our family when she is here and in our thoughts when she is not.

Thanks again for your supportive posts. I really didn't think it was about the birth but wanted your opinions as I couldn't see the other side. That is actually unusual for me- am known for being quite reasonable in rl. I must have a bit of a blank spot in terms of DM's motivations, maybe because things like this have happened (rarely) and I'm left a bit nonplussed.

Anyways hurrah indeed, DD and DSD are overjoyed they will get their weekend. Now I just have to think how I will cope with a Haven holiday park

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 10/09/2012 07:43

I agree apachepony- it was quite depressing that OP got such a bashing when the DC wasn't going to miss any school, could be brought back in plenty of time for the birth, if necessary, and yet people wanted her to miss out because (shudder) she might actually have a nice time with the stepmother. Luckily it turned out to be a misunderstanding and generally arrangement are fine, with the mother actually pleased her DD is loved!

5madthings · 10/09/2012 07:59

oh so glad it is sorted out domedon :) have a lovely weekend away :)

eslteacher · 10/09/2012 08:47

Just read this thread and I'm glad to see it has a happy ending [smile
]

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