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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSD should come on holiday with us

120 replies

DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 11:53

AIBU to think DSD would be better off coming on weekend away with me, DH and DD than staying at home for potential birth of baby?

DM is due on day we are meant to go on holiday. She isn't sure if she is happy for DSD to come and she's not sure where she will be Confused It is a Friday and I thought she would be in school.

Genuinely not sure why DM would like DSD not to come? What do you fellow MNers think? Personally I thought: if she is early (as she was with DSD) then she might like the break and having new baby time for a few days; if she was due date DSD would be 'out the way' so she wouldn't have to make arrangements; or if she was later she would get a rest before giving birth. I can only see it all as win-win (putting I, but in fact is we, as DH and I feel same way about this).

OP posts:
OhChristFENTON · 09/09/2012 12:10

Completely agree with SGM on this.

And while I understand where you're coming from, I can completely understand mum not wanting her daughter to be away for this time.

Ariadne78 · 09/09/2012 12:11

I read this thread with interest, as my DCs will soon have a baby half-sibling and I anticipate similar difficulties over contact. The due date is over a month away yet their father this weekend refused to let DD go on a sleepover on Friday night as it was a contact weekend and this would have meant him collecting her on Saturday morning rather than Fri night. He said "the baby could arrive any time and you [DD] should want to spend time with me as it might not be so easy after the baby arrives."

DD was not impressed with that and I have to say I agree. It's not her fault her dad's having a new baby, why should her life be put on hold a month in advance of the due date?!

Having said that, I would not have arranged a holiday around the due date, which I think would be rather provocative. Why are you going on holiday now anyway? It's term time. Surely not in DSD's interests to miss school for a holiday so soon after the summer holidays?

rainbowinthesky · 09/09/2012 12:11

The trouble is you see her once a month and cannot know her as well as her mother. She may well have said that to you so as not to appear rude.

OhChristFENTON · 09/09/2012 12:14

And I know this is AIBU but flaming isn't compulsory, it's not an unreasonable thing to ask for opinions on.

Hassled · 09/09/2012 12:14

It may well affect DSD's bonding with new baby if she's not around for the first few days.
DD went with my brother to be a bridesmaid at a family wedding in another country the day after DS2 was born. By the time she was back (only a few days) we'd all settled down and DS2 was part of the pack - DD felt very excluded and with hindsight it was a terrible idea.

AmberLeaf · 09/09/2012 12:14

I know DSD would rather come away as she has said so

Did you ask her which she'd rather?

NotaDisneyMum · 09/09/2012 12:15

Sounds like there are all sorts of issues - did mum agree to time out of school, knowing her due date? Is the holiday abroad? Has she given permission for your DH to take his DD overseas?

As RP - she could make things very difficult if you choose to go ahead regardless.

5madthings · 09/09/2012 12:16

sorry but as a mum i would want my child to be around for the birth of a sibling, all mine have seen their new siblings within hours of the birth and its a lovely moment and very special. my eldest was actually at the birth of his little sister and cut the cord :)

why did you book a holiday on her due date if you wanted the dd to come with you?

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:16

Holiday was booked before date revealed. Cannot change it and cannot change access due to work. DH has to work most weekends.

I would never put DD and DSD's relationship OVER the one with new sibling but it is just as important.

OP posts:
ScarletLady02 · 09/09/2012 12:16

Not being funny but the birth of a child, as opposed to a weekend away, is a once in a lifetime thing, so shouldn't be missed. Once the baby comes DSD will be swept up in the wonder of it all and may end up feeling upset or pushed out if she isn't involved.

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 09/09/2012 12:18

Even if she would prefer to come away with you I think it is more important for her to be with her mum at the moment. Children can't always have what they want, some things are more important. Like I said before this birth is a one off, she will have many holidays with you in the future.

Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 12:19

I actually agree with you OP. Birth of my second I farmed dd out for a few days with no ill effects of them bonding. It was lovely to be able to sleep when the baby sleeps no nursey runs ect while I got to recover.

Some mums think different though...

AmberLeaf · 09/09/2012 12:19

So what are mums plans for DSD for when she goes into labour?

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 12:19

I don't think YWBU to ask the question, btw - glad you have been given the other side of it - and I also think that while it's a shame your DSD is likely to miss out on the holiday, she should be with her mum if that's what her mum wants.

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 09/09/2012 12:20

"Once the baby comes DSD will be swept up in the wonder of it all and may end up feeling upset or pushed out if she isn't involved"

Yes, I agree. At 8 she is probably too young to understand this, so of course she might say she'd prefer a holiday.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/09/2012 12:21

She lives with mum full time - a life event at her primary home shouldn't be missed in order to comply with an inflexible contact arrangement.
As she gets older, she will resent your DHs lack of flexibility as it will prevent her living her own life Sad

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:21

I know this is AIBU but please don't get carried away. I said in OP it is a weekend away. We're not whisking her away abroad!?! We would have collected DSD from school friday and got her back in time for the monday. The idea we would get her to miss school on a whim or go ahead regardless is laughable.

I am not an especially speedy typer so am struggling to keep up - sorry for not answering all points.

I do take exception to rainbow comments about our relationship. We are exceptionally close and I know DSD very well. I have no intention of going into massive depths, no need but please try not to extrapolate too much from a short OP.

OP posts:
HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 09/09/2012 12:21

No, ywnbu to ask the question, sometimes we need other people opinions to be able to see other sides to a situation.

AmberLeaf · 09/09/2012 12:24

Be cool OP no one is flaming you Smile

Mrsjay · 09/09/2012 12:24

She obviously wants her daughter around for the birth of her new sibling it isn't unreasonable to want that, what age is she ?

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:25

It is not an inflexible arrangement and we are not the ones who moved miles away. Equally we both work and do our utmost to see DSD. We have previously rearranged work so DM can go away. Please stop dramatizing rainbow.

Also I would never ask DSD what she would rather do. She chose to speak to me about the holiday, the birth, some school issues, etc.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 09/09/2012 12:26

OH she is 8 I think her mum is probably feeling on edge what with about to give birth and wanting her child around her.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/09/2012 12:26

Sorry OP - I assumed it was a once in a lifetime holiday as you were placing it equally with the birth of a sibling; a weekend away can be taken anytime - babies are only born once and she's old enough to create lifelong memories of visiting her new sibling in hospital and being one of the first to give her a cuddle etc. don't steal that from her in order to maintain an arbitrary schedule Wink

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:27

Thanks Brandy seems most do feel differently and I see that quite clearly now Wink

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 09/09/2012 12:29

There is no way my dd1 would have gone away for the weekend when I was having dd2 - she was 6 and wanted very much to be a part and be included straight after the birth. When dd1 and dd2 heard that db was born to SM they were taken straight to hospital as they wanted to all be together as a family - they were so excited and pleased to be included as his sisters - they all have a lovely bond now Smile

I think it would perhaps be better if you stayed close by at the time near due date - then dsd can be whisked in to see new baby.