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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSD should come on holiday with us

120 replies

DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 11:53

AIBU to think DSD would be better off coming on weekend away with me, DH and DD than staying at home for potential birth of baby?

DM is due on day we are meant to go on holiday. She isn't sure if she is happy for DSD to come and she's not sure where she will be Confused It is a Friday and I thought she would be in school.

Genuinely not sure why DM would like DSD not to come? What do you fellow MNers think? Personally I thought: if she is early (as she was with DSD) then she might like the break and having new baby time for a few days; if she was due date DSD would be 'out the way' so she wouldn't have to make arrangements; or if she was later she would get a rest before giving birth. I can only see it all as win-win (putting I, but in fact is we, as DH and I feel same way about this).

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/09/2012 14:04

I don't think the phone call as soon as they arrive/in the middle of the night scenario is very likely, though, the child isn't to be a birth partner to her mother. If DM goes into labour at 3am, it's likely that a call at 7 or 8 am would see the child home in good time to meet the new sib.

Jssthdg · 09/09/2012 14:18

By heck, there are some princesses on this thread! DSD is going away for a weekend with her dad, sister and wicked stepmother, not being sent to boarding school in Outer Mongolia.

YANBU (and not wicked either).

Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 14:23

Exactly the child is not the mothers birth partner!

Its a weekend, even if she possibly went in labour it could be a 36 hours type of labour. Even a quick one with no complications your in hospital over night, ward till check out time (about lunch time).

Who would really want their DD in a waiting room bored for hours and hours while their mother labours???

5madthings · 09/09/2012 14:24

well if the op and her dh know that they may need to drive i am assuming one of them can manage the weekend without a drink and only one of them would need to drive the dd home so the other could stay with their child and then the other parent could return them and come back? seems fairly simple to me :)

5madthings · 09/09/2012 14:25

she may not be in hospital overnight, you can be discharged straight from delivery floor, likely in subsequent pregnancies and be home about 3-4hrd about giving birth i was. but that is plenty of time for her to call and arrange for dd to meet them at home :)

Startailoforangeandgold · 09/09/2012 14:30

DD1 walked in as I was delivering the placenta and saw her DSIS when she was 3 minutes old.

OK DD2 was born at home and DD1 was 3y.

But there is something very special about meeting your sister when she is "new".

I did it too although I was sent back to bed until DSIS was cleaned up.

Meeting her new sibling a few days later after hordes of relatives have been is not the same.

Sassybeast · 09/09/2012 14:31

The OP can't possibly pretend to be privy to any of the discussions mum has had with her little girl about what will happen when she goes into labour, when she will tell her, how soon she will see the new baby etc. I know that as soon as my second baby was born, I was DESPERATE to see my first 'baby' as soon as possible. To deny any mother the opportunity to involve her child in the birth of a new sibling is pretty selfish and am sure if the OP and her DH really wanted to, they could reach a compromise which meant that the mum wasn't distressed or upset in any way
(And the same would apply if it was a SM who was due to give birth before anyone starts Wink )

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/09/2012 14:34

I can only speak for myself, but when I gave birth my older children were the first people other than DH and I to meet the new baby. They were not hanging around in the waiting room but they were brought to see me as soon as I had given birth ( even if that was in the middle of the night). Everyone deals with things a different way but that was really important to me and actually it was important to them too

In any other circumstance I would say the mum was being unreasonable to try and dictate what you did in your time with your sd, because of course what you and your DH want is equally important. I really don't think the mums needs are more important than yours apart from at this one specific time. And as I said before I would feel the same if things were the other way around and the dad was the one expecting a new baby

5madthings · 09/09/2012 14:34

yes ds1 was present at the birth of dd (no 5) and cut the cord, it was a special moment. from what the op has said tho the plan is that the dd will be looked after by grandparents, so there isnt a real reason why she cant be wit her dad instead and they could get her home to see the baby within 2 hrs of it being born.

i dont think the mum is planning on having hb and having her dd about, so it would be a case of her dad taking her to her mum rather than her grandparents.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 14:34

5madthings has the simple solution- I can't see the problem.

Fairylea · 09/09/2012 14:50

The birth of a sibling is a once in a lifetime thing. A holiday can be taken antime.

When I had ds 12 weeks ago dd aged 9 was beyond excited and I made sure that she was with us for the week that I gave birth in. I told ex that dd would be for me that week. (Bit different for me I admit I had an elective section so knew when baby was coming).

I think its very important in a family with this set up that the children do not feel they are being replaced and that the older child is there when the new baby comes home. I think its very important in setting the bonds for a good sibling relationship.

Fairylea · 09/09/2012 14:51

*anytime - sorry about spelling!!

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 09/09/2012 14:52

Yabu. She's her Mum, you're not. You get no say and new baby trumps a weekend away.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 14:53

It bought it was just a weekend- not a holiday? And one they could get back from.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 14:53

Sorry iPad - thought not bought.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 14:54

It is, exotic.

5madthings · 09/09/2012 14:55

it is a weekend, from the fri evening and they wil have her back in time for school on monday and as its only 1.5 hrs away they can bring her back asap IF the mum has her baby, which may not happen anyway.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 14:55

I can't see the problem then- someone has to look after the DD and if they take her back when wanted he gets a nice time while she waits. Win/win all round.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 14:56

She not he - I blame the iPad!

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 14:57

It seems a mountain out of a molehill.

5madthings · 09/09/2012 14:57

and if the mum calls when she goes into labour the dd could be back even BEFORE the baby is born if that is what the mum wants.

a week away and a long distance i would say yabu, but given the distances and the time it really could be organised so that the dd CAN go away and STILl be back in time either before the baby is born or for when it is still only a couple of hours old so they can visit in hospital or go straight home to meet mum adn baby there.

it seems fairly simple to me :)

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 14:58

Utterly simple to me too!

Fairylea · 09/09/2012 14:58

Just throwing this out there - if everyone knew the baby was due about now why did you book a weekend away around the due date in the first place??

I realise that's a bit redundant now but I really don't understand that bit...

If its only 1.5 hours away then fine but I think you have to be prepared to bring dsd back as soon as possible even if it potentially means missing most of your break.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2012 15:01

I don't think that they are saying they wouldn'tFairylea. Maybe it was booked before they knew about the baby. I have a weekend booked for next year - I can't go around asking everyone if they think they may get pregnant in the meantime and be due that very weekend!

Sassybeast · 09/09/2012 15:03

And all of that is very well IF OP was prepared to adhere to exactly what mum wanted. But given that she is seeking validation for her decision to take the child away DESPITE the mums wishes and feelings, I'm not convinced that she is that selfless tbh.