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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSD should come on holiday with us

120 replies

DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 11:53

AIBU to think DSD would be better off coming on weekend away with me, DH and DD than staying at home for potential birth of baby?

DM is due on day we are meant to go on holiday. She isn't sure if she is happy for DSD to come and she's not sure where she will be Confused It is a Friday and I thought she would be in school.

Genuinely not sure why DM would like DSD not to come? What do you fellow MNers think? Personally I thought: if she is early (as she was with DSD) then she might like the break and having new baby time for a few days; if she was due date DSD would be 'out the way' so she wouldn't have to make arrangements; or if she was later she would get a rest before giving birth. I can only see it all as win-win (putting I, but in fact is we, as DH and I feel same way about this).

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 09/09/2012 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnitaBlake · 09/09/2012 12:31

As a pg SM I would be furious if DSDs mum arranged for hr to be away on my due date tbh. It was bad enough last time that DSD had to wait three days to meet her sister as her routine is more important than anything that was going on in her family. :(

I think there needs to be lots of flexibility with arrangements tbh. A due date is a rough guess really. Perhaps if you said you would bring her back if mum went into labour while you are away?

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:31

I am not placing it as equal to the birth. That is not the impression I wanted to give. I genuinely thought it was a bit of a life saver tbh. I have been smacked across face with shown the light. DSD will not be at the birth - she will be at GP's. Of course she is excited, she can't wait for new baby. When she meets new baby it will be special - I just didn't see it as a time critical event.

OP posts:
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/09/2012 12:33

YABU

I think equal parenting and flexibility are so important, but the birth of a child is not a normal everyday event and is far far more important. In this instance what the mum wants trumps want the dad (and sm) does, and if the situations were reversed I'd say the same. Some might want their children with them, some might send them to relatives but it's one of those rare situations when someone's wants and needs come before other peoples (of course a childs opinion counts but at eight I feel they are too young to understand the significance of some things)

It's a shame it might meaning missing out on time with your sd, but if that's down to your DH's working hours then it's hardly the mums fault. Are you sure there's no other way of adjusting things so you don't miss out in contact?

I would be devastated to not have my other children around for the birth of a sibling, and when my ex had a new baby I rearranged everything and drove them miles so that the dc could be there with him

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:34

Great idea Anita. DH is phoning later and can chat it over then.

There has never been any hint in my posts that we would go ahead regardless, etc. I was asking for opinions on why it would be an issue. Not ways we could force the situation. It is of course DM's place to decide.

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 09/09/2012 12:35

Everyone is different - And the fact that she is 8 does make a difference IMO Smile

I'm sure she'll remember for the rest of her life being allowed to give her brother or sister a cuddle before grandparents or friends were - at a few hours, rather than days old Smile

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:36

x-post may - thanks for your helpful post

OP posts:
DonnaDoon · 09/09/2012 12:37

Loiness has cubs ...Do not try and take away...even the older ones. As others have said its an anxious time for mum and rather than being grateful for having one out the way...I too would want all my babies close by.

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:39

Just to be clear - holiday arranged, paid for, non-transferable all BEFORE we knew. We would not have booked it that way on purpose.

The contact situation is not just DH work thing, there is the issue of distance, imposed by DM. Nothing is ideal in it all. We wish we saw her more, as does she.

OP posts:
EMS23 · 09/09/2012 12:41

Could you take your holiday where your DSD lives so that if the baby comes, she is there for the birth AND her Mum has the piece of mind that her DD is looked after when she goes into labour?

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 12:42

We will be 1.5hrs away so I think that is the best solution EMS

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 09/09/2012 12:44

well if you are 1.5 hurs away could you agree to come back if dm goes into labour?

That way you get a weekend away and possibly the whole weekend - but with the promise of returning at any twinges

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/09/2012 12:47

Sorry don I also x-posted with you, I didnt mean to stick the boot in when you'd already posted that you'd taken the YABU's into account Blush

I think (and it's no excuse really) that it's one of those subjects that really hits a nerve with some people, that primal maternal bonding thing, honestly the thought of my dc being away when I gave birth is just so Shock to me, but actually I do see where you're coming from

In a lot of ways you're right, I'm sure your sd would have more fun on a holiday than waiting around for the baby to be born, and I'm sure the bonding between her and the new baby wouldn't be affected if it happened later on. It's just one of those situations where logic and reasoning have to give way to feelings and emotions which aren't always completely rational but are really important

5madthings · 09/09/2012 13:01

if you are only 1.5hrs away and it is only a weekend away, not a week (i read holiday and assumed a week, my mistake) then it is a nice offer, as it does make life easier for the mum. and if you can get dd to her mum asap once baby is born then that would be great.

see if suggesting that makes her mum think about the offer.

as saying we will have her for the weekend but make sure she is back to see the baby if it arrives is likely to go down much better and it could well help mum out. i would be happy with that type of arrangement.

herhonesty · 09/09/2012 13:03

Yabu. Dm's choice, not yours or an 8 yr olds.

bobbledunk · 09/09/2012 13:11

Most people would want their children there to meet new siblings as soon as they are born. It could make her feel very left out if she were to return home and mother is already there and getting into a routine with the new baby. I have seven younger siblings and remember meeting most of them in my mothers hospital room, it makes you feel a part of everything, especially if you're that bit older.

PrimrosePath · 09/09/2012 13:13

I don't think either of you are bu. It would be lovely for dsd to go on the weekend away with her dad and sister. She would then see the baby, at the most, when a couple of days old rather than a couple of hours.

But I completely understand why her mother would want her close by. And I do think she get to decide in this case. Don't mess with pregnancy hormones over this. Grin

margerykemp · 09/09/2012 13:20

I think an 8 yo should be around for the birth of her sibling. Seems very straightforward to me.

ReindeersGoldenBollocks · 09/09/2012 13:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I personally wouldn't want one of my children to miss out on a holiday just because I may or may not be in labour. Plus if she is busy labouring your DSD might not see her for a day or two anyway (depending on length and type of labour).

Seems a shame that DSD's wishes are being ignored, as she really wants to go on the holiday. Plus it would mean that DSD's mum could rest if she wasn't in labour.

But then I'm like brandy in that DS was shipped off to GP's while I had DC2.

herhonesty · 09/09/2012 13:32

It's not a holiday, it's a weekend away.

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 13:37

Thanks again for the helpful suggestions and different POV.

It's a holiday to us her and I agree DM gets trumps, BUT DSD, DH, DD and even I (Shock the SM!!) do usually get some input.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 09/09/2012 13:42

yanbu at all. Baby unlikely to arrive exactly then and tbh I would think it was a nice thing to do as those first days can be hectic!

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 13:53

OK, so seeing as it's only a weekend away, and you're only 1.5h away, and no one can guarantee when the baby is coming (unless it's an elCS) - then I think your DSD should be allowed to come with you all on the proviso that you take her to see the baby as soon as it's practical, if it happens to be born while you're away.

If I were your DSD, and I missed out on the treat AND the baby wasn't born then, I'd be bloody upset.

Can your DH have a chat with DSD's mum and discuss this option?

Original poster
DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 13:55

Yes, he's calling later, when DSD returns from DGM

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 09/09/2012 14:00

I don't think you should take her away on the proviso that you'll bring her back as soon as her mum wants her back. What happens if you get a phone call an hour after you arrive ? Or you've both had a few glasses of wine and can't drive ? Or the phone call comes in the middle of the night ? How would your own daughter feel at having the weekend interrupted? I think it's all or nothing tbh.

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