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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to get married sooner rather than later?!

109 replies

amandine07 · 09/09/2012 11:34

Hello good people,
So after several months of on and off discussions OH has decided he does actually want to marry me (this was a whole other thread).

However he is adamant that it won't be at least til 2014. The thing for me is that I am 34 and would like to try for a baby sooner rather than later, but would prefer to get married first. OH is 30 and male so clearly does have this biological clock issue.

He also wants a big wedding whereas I am not so fussed. Another reason is that my 2 younger siblings are getting married next year- October and December, so he thinks we should not steal their thunder etc. however both my brother & sister are younger than me and have babies already.

AIBU to want to get married next spring or summer rather than wait it out til 2014, and delay TTO til I am 36 going on 37?
I can take whatever comes my way, I'm a big girl ;-)

OP posts:
TheFidgetySheep · 09/09/2012 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFidgetySheep · 09/09/2012 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumblechum1 · 09/09/2012 11:39

tbh the fact that he says he wants a big wedding is a bit of a red flag to me; I don't think men generally care that much about the wedding, so wonder if he's saying that to stall you?

We got married at 4 days notice, by special licence after I got a BFP, had our best friends as witnesses and told our parents later. That may be extreme, but shows that you can get married quickly and cheaply if it's the marriage you want not the wedding.

mumblechum1 · 09/09/2012 11:40

Also my nephew and his wife got married this year at 3 weeks notice and it was a proper bells and whistles white wedding (planned in a rush as he'd just been diagnosed with cancer)

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 11:40

Thanks just looking for opinions on whether I'm being OTT pushy about things...also I am SO not the girl who has dreamt about my wedding since the age of 7!

OP posts:
leobear · 09/09/2012 11:41

What FidgetySheep said.

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 11:44

Yeah he seems to feel like we need a massive wedding & invite loads of people- I think his parents will contribute quite a bit to the cost.

My parents would as well, but I don't really want to ask them for £££ to spend one day.

I'd rather use that cash as a deposit for a house...:-)

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 11:45
  • to spend on one day
OP posts:
calypso2008 · 09/09/2012 11:51

YANBU at all! 6 months tops to plan a wedding surely? Even a big do can't take more than that.

I would also start TTC as soon as possible.

A winter wedding would be lovely and completely do-able. Smile congratulations on your engagement!

NameChangeGalore · 09/09/2012 11:51

No you're not. Have you talked about children though? What does he think about that? Surely he'd agree with you to get married quicker on that point alone, or does he not mind having children before marriage?

noblegiraffe · 09/09/2012 11:52

You said he wants to marry you. Does he want children?

DoMeDon · 09/09/2012 11:56

You have totally different attitudes to some quite important things, getting married, the type of wedding, when to ttc. That would worry me.

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 11:57

Ah just to clarify- we are not actually engaged yet, more we have agreed that we both agree on getting married!

Yes he wants children but doesn't seem to realise how much fertility declines from 30 onwards, and tha celeb stories of 45 year olds having babies are not representative of how things really are...

OP posts:
honeytea · 09/09/2012 11:58

If I were you I would start TTC now and see what happens. We assumed it would be easy to get pregnant but it took us nearly 2 years. If your not fussed about the fairytale wedding then maybe an extra baby bridesmaid/pageboy wouldn't matter?

I personally think a baby is a much bigger commitment than a marriage, you can get a divorce but you can't stop being parents together.

We are going to get married in the summer of 2014, our little boy will make our day extra special for us :)

honeytea · 09/09/2012 12:00

Oh and I was 26 when we started TTC, being young doesn't guarantee it will be easy but I feel like it gives you more time to find a solution if you do have fertility problems.

sooperdooper · 09/09/2012 12:03

It's not that unusual for men to want a big wedding, my DH did initially as it was what he'd grown up with and what he thought you should do

I changed his mind on that Grin but anyway, it's not necessarily a red herring that he wants that

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but does he share your views on ttc ASAP?

greyswirlypaper · 09/09/2012 12:12

I think your best option is probably TTC now and have the wedding a bit later, as others have said. But it's likely with the cost of a little one the need for a big wedding (and even just a small ceremony) just gets swept under the carpet - it happens so often once people have their home and child. It doesn't really sound like he wants to get married and it would give him the excuse not to bother.

I can understand why you'd want to be married first - it offers so much protection and if anything did happen to your OH or if you split up, you wouldn't want to be left destitute as a lone parent. Are your wills sorted? What is the income/property split?

I think you also need to be clear with your OH that not only does fertility decline rapidly after 35, but also the risk of having a child with SN increases too. I say that as a parent of a child with SN, and I know the age thing is just one factor, but definitely something to think about.

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 12:24

My reasons for wanting to get married first are mainly to do with trying to arrange a wedding while working full time with a baby/toddler to look after as well
Not really looked at it from the point of view of legals, wills, protection etc.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 09/09/2012 12:27

Why would you be arranging the wedding when it's him that wants a big do?

HeathRobinson · 09/09/2012 12:28

I think I was on your previous thread.

I think he's stalling. Sorry.

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 12:34

Well we'd both be arranging it but I'm rubbish at even organising a weekend away let alone a wedding!

Yes I have dark thoughts running through my mind that he is just making excuses...what will happen if he changes his mind next year?
This is more than just "I want a wedding now"!!
It's more about my fears of leaving it too late to TTC

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 09/09/2012 12:44

You are not being unreasonable to want to get married before conceiving and you are utterly not being unreasonable to want to conceive ASAP.

Your reasoning should trump his desire for a fancy party because yours are serious issues.

eurochick · 09/09/2012 12:48

He's not necessarily stalling - my now husband wanted to get married and have babies but wanted to wait for a while. We got there in the end!

The ttc issue is a big deal though. We eventually got married when I was 34 and started trying once the honeymoon malaria drugs were out of my system. I'm now 36, 37 soon, and we're still trying. I wish we had started earlier, but you can't turn back the clock.

AKissIsNotAContract · 09/09/2012 12:50

'Ah just to clarify- we are not actually engaged yet, more we have agreed that we both agree on getting married!'

How does that differ from being engaged?

Do you want a baby with him or are you worrying about time running out if you don't have one with him soon.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/09/2012 12:56

If being married before having children is important for you then I wouldn't ttc beforehand. Having children is not any kind of commitment - not even a little one for some people. You only have to read threads here to realise that. Somebody fathering a child isn't making any kind of commitment as a parent unless they actually want to do that.

I'd certainly have a serious discussion with your partner and make sure he's aware of your possible fertility concerns.