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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to get married sooner rather than later?!

109 replies

amandine07 · 09/09/2012 11:34

Hello good people,
So after several months of on and off discussions OH has decided he does actually want to marry me (this was a whole other thread).

However he is adamant that it won't be at least til 2014. The thing for me is that I am 34 and would like to try for a baby sooner rather than later, but would prefer to get married first. OH is 30 and male so clearly does have this biological clock issue.

He also wants a big wedding whereas I am not so fussed. Another reason is that my 2 younger siblings are getting married next year- October and December, so he thinks we should not steal their thunder etc. however both my brother & sister are younger than me and have babies already.

AIBU to want to get married next spring or summer rather than wait it out til 2014, and delay TTO til I am 36 going on 37?
I can take whatever comes my way, I'm a big girl ;-)

OP posts:
numbertaker · 09/09/2012 12:57

'he has decided he does want to marry me'

What a fecker.

AmberLeaf · 09/09/2012 13:01

I think he is stalling.

Sounds like he has been persuaded?

margerykemp · 09/09/2012 13:13

start ttc and when you are pregnant say you will register the birth alone (ie hos name not on bc) if you are not married by then

BackforGood · 09/09/2012 13:16

How much of a discussion have you had with him about wanting to have children, and how, because of your age, you need to start TTC sooner rather than later?
Is he aware of the way fertility drops?
Is he then feeling a bit pressured maybe.?... (I'm picking this up from this bit So after several months of on and off discussions OH has decided he does actually want to marry me (this was a whole other thread)) Hmm.... just doen't come over as being something he really is yearning to do.
Have you looked at different realistic options for weddings.... how many people you and he together would want to invite, if you/he are set on a particular venue or even 'type' of do, are you restricted to Saturdays, etc. , as it actually might not be that realistic to book things for before 2014 if you are after specific things but it obviously is if you (both of you, as a couple, and knowing how important the day might be to families too) aren't too 'fixed' on any details.
Have the discussions, calmly, rationally, logically, and see if he wants to wait a year for logistical reasons or if he isn't ready, and combine that with the conversations about being ready to be parents.

emsyj · 09/09/2012 13:18

He is stalling for time. He will never be 'ready' - he's already saying 'not until at least 2014 - that is not even necessarily 2014, is it? That could turn into 2015, 2016... If you want marriage and children, end it now and look for someone who wants what you want. This man doesn't.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 09/09/2012 13:31

Reading the op makes me think that he isn't commited and is stalling to kept the peace. This really doesn't sound like you have the basis of a strong relationship to build a marriage / family on. Sorry x

BurlingtonBertieFromBow · 09/09/2012 13:36

I think he is stalling as well, sorry. It's not rocket science that women's fertility declines and it's in the papers practically every day. He must know this. If you decide to get married I don't see why not do it as soon as possible. You can arrange a big wedding in 6 months if that's what you want.

Are you SURE he wants children and is not just trying to avoid hurting your feelings (or risk you walking out on the relationship) by saying he doesn't? I'm sure he loves you, but he might not have the same ideas about commitment as you. The fact that he is slightly younger might be part of it. He might be unwilling to tie himself down with a baby now when he knows he will probably be able to produce one in 10 years... He might be just ignoring the female fertility aspect to fit in with this.

Judge people by what they do, not what they say.

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 13:44

Yeah I'm scared he is just not sure and won't come out with it. I was pissed off when said I was trying to compete with my brother & sister by rushing to be the one to get married first.

Unfortunately I think resentment is building, my tone in these posts is quite sarcastic which I dont think helps things much...

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 13:47

Also I am frightened now as i've a couple of friends spend several years with men they thought they would marry, only to be dumped for a younger model with their ex-men being engaged & married within a year or two.

I am under no illusion, this does actually happen quite a bit in real life! Well in my experience any way...

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/09/2012 13:48

He is definitely stalling. He is hoping that in two years time he will either be sure, or you will have left him.

You are 34, in your shoes, I think I would leave him and accept that he is not the one for me, if you cannot even agree on the wedding, nor the timescale.

noblegiraffe · 09/09/2012 13:49

What do you think he would say if you said 'this is too important to me, spring wedding and then babies or I'm going to have to cut my losses and try to find someone on the same page'?

diddl · 09/09/2012 13:58

I can´t help thinking he´s not that bothered tbh.

I was nearly 30 when we met.

I had just started a 2yr course & couldn´t move in with him until I´d finished, so we married the day after.

TBH, if it hadn´t been for that we would have married sooner-ie as soon as we could after we´d made the decision.

Weddings don´t have to take a lot of planning.

Hardest thing is getting the church & reception both available-if that´s the wedding you want.

I´d tell him it´s marrige before the year is out or piss off.

If he leaves, you might still be married before 2014!

cantspel · 09/09/2012 14:07

I wish people wouldn't advise you to ttc now as it completly dismisses the your partner. He has to want to ttc now as well as having a child should never be a solo decision.

By all means you should be telling him that you are not prepared to wait until 2014 and that you want to marry next year and then ttc but you must also be either prepared to walk away if he is still set on a 2014 wedding.

cantspel · 09/09/2012 14:08

whoops posted to soon
or put you wishes behind his, wait until 2014 and hope for the best.

MyLastDuchess · 09/09/2012 16:27

I know exactly where you're coming from. I didn't have this issue with my DP (we are not married but the laws are different where we live, it's not like in the UK, so legally we might as well be), but we started trying to conceive as soon as we knew that we wanted to be together and have children. I was already 35. I got pregnant immediately and had my first child at 36, but many, many, many women are not so lucky.

I think you're right about your partner just not understanding how much female fertility declines after 35. So many of my friends have pointed to celebrities having babies in their 40s and I've had to say well, yes it can and does happen, but it gets a LOT harder as you get older.

I would talk to your GP and arm yourself with some facts, then sit down and have a serious talk with your partner about what you want and how, statistically speaking, you may not have much time. When you can show him facts and figures it may get it into his head.

Once he has all the information he can then make his decision, and then you can make your final choice based on that.

A lot of people would say that it's not very romantic to discuss statistics, miscarriage, maternal age and chance of conception. I can tell you from my friends who have had fertility treatment that hormone injections and IVF procedures are completely unromantic. Life is what it is.

YANBU.

MyLastDuchess · 09/09/2012 16:28

we started trying to conceive as soon as we knew that we wanted to be together and have children

That sounds a bit odd ... we had been together for 2 or 3 years at that point!

McHappyPants2012 · 09/09/2012 16:50

To me we planned children 1st, then when we got married it symbolised that our family was complete.

You can get married at any time but your fertility will decline.

EdithWeston · 09/09/2012 16:57

Is he saying 2014 - let's get the venue booked now and work towards that date? Or ok, one day in the future (far enough away for us not to have to do anything yet)? The former you can work with (and work on him to bring it forward), the latter sounds like stringing along.

Sallyingforth · 09/09/2012 17:59

Lots of red flags here IMO.
You've known him long enough to be able to agree on the most basic issues like if/when to be married and if/when to start a family.
If the two of you still can't do so then I don't feel very optimistic about your future together.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/09/2012 18:35

How would you feel if you fall pregnant but then he leaves you before you get married? If the answer to this is happier than if he leaves but you're not pregnant then I would start TTC straightaway and then try to persuade DP that a low key wedding ceremony at the beginning of next year is a good idea. You may end up a single mum if he lets you down but would that be better than being single and looking for Mr Right? This assumes that your DP is ready to TTC but not get married immediately.

numbertaker · 09/09/2012 21:55

Sister...you are not in last chance saloon. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

You are always going to feel like you pushed him into it, and he will fling it back in your face.

You deserve better, maybe not be so rabid about getting married and relax and meet someone better.

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 22:57

Numbertaker...yes you are right, I don't want to push him into the whole thing...i'd rather walk away than drag him into a marriage that he's only half keen on.

Fuck I always imagined I'd meet a guy, get on great and then he'd ask me to marry him...the irony is I've not been planning my wedding since I was a young girl.
I'm not being rabid about getting married, it's more that, after 4 years I was hoping it was something we could both be mutually excited about and agree on the ins and outs.

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 23:00

Also I should add- as much as I would like a baby soon, I have no plans to TTC without my partner's express agreement.
To me that's a recipe for disaster Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 09/09/2012 23:06

MyLastDuchess
You are so right about leaving it too late to have a baby, I have friends who have been tryin for 4 years already, have embarked on IVF & I know that it's def no walk in the park.

Being younger is no guarantee of conceiving, I realise that, but at least gives more time to try to sort things out if there are problems TTC

OP posts:
2rebecca · 09/09/2012 23:07

Do you live together? I'd be reluctant to live with someone and do the domestic crap without being married. once a bloke has a woman playing wifey for him there is less need to get married from his point of view. Agree I wouldn't want kids without being married but maybe threatening to live seperately if he isn't ready for committment may make him rethink. Say you just want a quick wedding and it's the being married that is important to you not the "wedding".

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