...to want to get married sooner rather than later?!

[amandine07]

Hello good people,
So after several months of on and off discussions OH has decided he does actually want to marry me (this was a whole other thread).

However he is adamant that it won't be at least til 2014. The thing for me is that I am 34 and would like to try for a baby sooner rather than later, but would prefer to get married first. OH is 30 and male so clearly does have this biological clock issue.

He also wants a big wedding whereas I am not so fussed. Another reason is that my 2 younger siblings are getting married next year- October and December, so he thinks we should not steal their thunder etc. however both my brother & sister are younger than me and have babies already.

AIBU to want to get married next spring or summer rather than wait it out til 2014, and delay TTO til I am 36 going on 37?
I can take whatever comes my way, I'm a big girl ;-)

Hi amandine07, I read this thread with a lot of interest because I'm in a similar situation. Me and my OH talked about marriage and kids and have recently decided to TTC. I'm excited about this but also a little worried about how our families will take the news (if and when...) because I think weddings are a nice indicator to the people around you that you intend to stay together and probably start a family. If we announce a pregnancy now they're going to assume it was an accident! But my OH doesn't feel financially ready to spend £££ on a big day when we could be spending it on raising a child instead. So I respect his view on this (like you, my OH wants the big wedding and I'm not fussed).

I think some of the other posters are being hard on your OH. In my experience men can be a bit funny about weddings - Among our close friends I've also observed this thing about not marrying in the same year as friends/family to avoid stealing their thunder/competing which I don't understand - to me as long as it's not the same day it shouldn't matter! But guys do bother about these things and you have to give them room to relax about getting married. I don't think your OH doesn't want to marry you. He told you he wants to marry you SOON but not YET and generally I think men say what they mean!

BTW what tipped our discussion from 'maybe' into 'yes' about TTC was when I told my OH after some research, that it's quite normal for it to take 1 or even 2 yrs TC. If your OH wants a baby with you, why not ask him to look at where you'll be 2 yrs after a 2014 wedding... YANBU, you need to talk to him but choose the right moment and try not to pressure him too much. Good luck!

I think patterns have changed in this generation wrt length of relationship before marriage. I think 7-10 years of being together is not uncommon before a wedding now. Whereas 20 years ago most married within 3 years of meeting/ getting together. I think your DP is on a slower path. But that is no excuse given your age and wanting to ttc.

Does he want dc? Do his friends / siblings have DC? We're they married first? Do his parents want you two to get married and start a family? Does he still want the single life?

I think he's just stalling you because he just doesn't want these things right now as much as you do.

Maybe you need a 'no sex til wedding' agreement. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free...

We do live together it's been a couple of years now- domestic stuff tends to get divided up, although over a year ago I was working fewer hours so I did more of the chores as OH was finishing late.

I don't particularly enjoy housework so I'm in no rush to get it all done! Gave up ironing ages ago, I refuse to do his shirts...am sure that part of me just doesn't want to play wife & assume that role.

Maybe if I did all the housework he'd be more certain about marrying me?! I am kidding...

Yes my OH does want children, 2 of his friends have kids and quite a few of the others are in the process of trying though mainly unsuccessfully!
His grandparents have commented it would be nice to have great grandchildren & I'm sure his parents would like us to marry.

He has older brother & sister, neither of whom are married.
He just doesn't seem to 'get it' when it comes to female age & fertility, he tells me not to stress and that we will have a wedding & babies one day. Wedding ok, but how can anyone be sure of babies?

Try telling that to my close friend who is in her 4th year of TTC and she's my age...

ok. are you ready?

tell him you go along with 2014. this is your fallback position.

work on accidentally becoming pregnant by him, if you really want to have his child/ren.

meanwhile, look around for someone better. don't take any pregnancy risks - too complicated.

i'm not sure you want slowcoach-the-boyfriend, he's just the person who is there. that's ok, i married one of those, i'm not criticising. but you've got eighteen months freedom in which to find a man who is desperate to marry you first and impregnate you immediately after. why not give it a go?

how long have you known this charmer who has deigned to marry you

He sounds full of it to me. He's fobbing you off!? If you want to marry somebody you could do it in six months, not 24! I think he's biding his time. To my HORROR I once heard two men having this conversation about another one's girlfriend.

Even if this wedding goes ahead you'll be 36. I think that if children are a priority then you would be better off spending those two years between now and 36 looking for somebody who definitely wants children.

You probably think you're too old. You're not. Put yourself OUT THERE.

@ shanghailady, if you do have a baby with this man who is happy to have a baby but not happy to get married, then make SURE the baby gets your sur name just until you get married right.... cos you can always add his on when you get married. But if you don't get married then you will have children who have his sur name! YOu'll have done the pregnancy, the deliveries, the career interruption! if you split up you'll have fewer rights, and they'll STILL have his sur name and there'll be nothing you can do about it. I WISH somebody had said this to me.

"He just doesn't seem to 'get it' when it comes to female age & fertility, he tells me not to stress and that we will have a wedding & babies one day."
Well, it's really not a secret that fertility drops with age, is it? So I would question his not 'getting it'. I'd be more inclined to think that he knows full well that your clock is ticking. Sorry to be so blunt, but he doesn't want to commit to you in case something better comes along. It's been four years. If you were going to marry, it would have happened by now.

Look at what you said in your OP. "However he is adamant that it won't be at least til 2014" At least. If you're still together in 2014, he'll be pointing to those words most adamantly.

My DP doesn't really want to get married to me (or anyone). I'm not that fussed myself to be honest.

But I do want kids (I think. Mumsnet has put me off a bit). My DP is younger than me and when we first started dating I did say, "I will want babies soon. If you don't want to be a very young dad, run along." He understands, gets it and will impregnate me as soon as I am ready.

Your DP might be really scared (and that's ok) but it doesn't sound like he really gets it.

How about you scrap the wedding and just have a family. How would he and you feel about that?

You could always get married later down the line.

We've know each other for over 4.5 years and been a couple for that long too.
Nah, I don't really fancy trying to 'accidently' I just think that's the worst way, for me anyhow. I know it happens, but purposely try without my partner involved, it just doesnt sit right with me.

The thing is, he is the man I want to be with, marry and have children with- it's more about the person than just finding someone to marry. In previous relationships I'd never seriously considered marriage, kids etc
I always knew I liked them a lot but I could never see myself going the distance with them.

*i mean to 'accidentally' become pregnant- actively trying without the OH knowing they are TTC.

what contraception do you use?

if you are on hormones you might be better coming off them a bit before ttc

and a few months of condom use may speed up his desire to marry/ttc

why did you move in together? was there an understanding that you would marry?

are you officially engaged ie diamond ring/proposal/party?

What brilliant 'advice' lovebunny

Hi B1ueberry, thanks for the advice - I'm guessing it comes from personal experience..? That's rough if so.
This is very early days for us, still only just made the decision to TTC so there's plenty of time to discuss the issue of surname. I had considered the idea of using my name, though I suspect it would cause upset so it will need to be talked about with DP. And to be clear - he does want to get married, when we have the money to blow on a nice party

@amandine07 please DONT accidentally on purpose get pregnant! Glad to see you've dismissed the suggestion. Make the decision together! It's not fair to anyone in that scenario otherwise (DP, baby, you). There is some ridiculous advice on here

Oh you can always rely on lovebunny. Every time.

I was in pretty much the same position as you, my partner was 30 and I was 34. We'd been together 5 years, lived together for 4. Except a wedding wasn't that important to either of us. I felt the clock ticking and I knew, like you, that we were hoping to spend the rest of our lives together. We decided to TTC, well more, we decided that I was going to go off contraception.

We got pregnant second month. It was a bit of a shock as we both assumed it wouldn't happen that quickly. Sadly I miscarried at about 8 weeks. I was devastated, he was also in shock, but probably more from the shock of being pregnant and more worried about me.

Somehow from all of that he idependently came to the conclusion that marriage to me was important and he proposed (it wasn't the most romantic proposal as DH finds it very difficult to share too much of himself, and as I accidently found the ring 2 weeks before it wasn't exactly a surprise (in fact it was a bit stressful, waiting and pretending not to know , I'm surprised he asked at all), he didn't know I had found the ring though).

A few weeks later we discovered I was pregnant again. We decided to have a small family wedding when I was 12 weeks pregnant. It was not ideal, but it was lovely. I would have preferred not to have been pregnant on my wedding day, but I wouldn't give up having our DC for anything, and nor would my DH. I was glad we were married before I actually gave birth, I am not sure I would have been bothered afterwards. It's nice to be married though.

We've been married just over 5 years and have 2 DC. I do get a bit whimsical about the perfect proposal and being swept off my feet, but my DH whilst lovely is just not that person.

UppityDuppity & Shanghailady- thank you for sharing your stories, yes it sounds like both situations are/were similar to mine.
For me it's definitely a case of wanting to marry the man I love, not just wanting to marry someone, anyone, feeling that 'time is running out'.

I know people say that I should cut my losses and move on to somebody else, but I just can't get my head around that...
Also, the whole trying for a baby together is what I would like- when a couple decide to go for it and TTC. Am I naive in thinking this generally is what happens? Or are there mor 'accidents' than I realise?!

I have to add- for all my wittering on about wanted to be married before a baby etc.
There is absolutely NO guarantee that any of it will be 'quick'...women can try for months or years to conceive and find that nothing happens or they conceive but then sadly miscarry.

TBH, if you´ve lived together for 2yrs, I can´t see the problem with getting married now-before your siblings!

I think 2yrs of living together is long enough to decide that you want to be together or not.

I wanted to be married before TTC-and if we had lived together, I sure as hell wouldn´t have waited for 2yrs before I moved on!

He's fobbing you off. If he's so bloody marvellous does he not CARE that by his timeline you will be running out of fertile years? You say babies plural - well, a lot of my friends conceived their first child fairly easily at 35 or 36 but are now struggling with secondary infertility as 40 approaches.

As others have said, a big wedding can take 2 years to organise, venues will certainly be getting booked up for 2014 already. So set the date. If he wont even do that you have your answer...Somehow from your replies so far I think you are going to hang around waiting to dance to his tune which is a shame. I want to send Jarvis Cocker to serenade you with "don't let him waste your time"!

Oh and he's 30, not 20! Why isn't he "ready"?

If you're mid-30s and want children, I would start trying sooner rather than later.

However you are taking the risk that he may never marry you, I guess it depends how much of an issue being an unmarried parent would be for you (personally I wanted to marry before TTC). It does sound like he's stalling and making excuses. He needs to be honest with you.

Don't worry about assuming a 'wifely' role! I have never done this, before or after marriage, and it's unlikely I ever will!

I heavily disagree with the posters who are saying TTC now and get married later.

I am not convinced that your DP wants to marry you at all. You have been together for 4 years, but he had to hem and haw for 6 months to decide if he actually wanted to marry you. He now says he will, but he hasn't actually ASKED you, and wants to put the wedding off for several years.

I think you really need to establish that this man wants to commit to you. Marriage is a commitment, and it sounds like he is avoiding it. Do not have a baby with this man and then find out he is never planning to marry you or stay with you when the going gets a bit harder.

This man may be wasting your time - find out if he actually wants the same things at the same time, or if he is just stringing you along in a situation that is comfortable and easy for him.

OP, I'm afraid it sounds to me as though you are sure you want to get married and have children with your DP, but he's not at all convinced that he wants t do those things with you. He likes you, he enjoys your company, he's happy to mosey along with you until someone better comes along - and in due course she will, and he'll probably marry her within the year and have a baby straight away. I hope I'm wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Paiviaso has put my feelings on this far better than I could. He is refusing to commit whilst keeping you dangling.