...to want to get married sooner rather than later?!

[amandine07]

Hello good people,
So after several months of on and off discussions OH has decided he does actually want to marry me (this was a whole other thread).

However he is adamant that it won't be at least til 2014. The thing for me is that I am 34 and would like to try for a baby sooner rather than later, but would prefer to get married first. OH is 30 and male so clearly does have this biological clock issue.

He also wants a big wedding whereas I am not so fussed. Another reason is that my 2 younger siblings are getting married next year- October and December, so he thinks we should not steal their thunder etc. however both my brother & sister are younger than me and have babies already.

AIBU to want to get married next spring or summer rather than wait it out til 2014, and delay TTO til I am 36 going on 37?
I can take whatever comes my way, I'm a big girl ;-)

i know you say you love him amandine, but you can love somebody else. I had a friend in very similar shoes. She ended her driftalong relationship with deep sadness the night of her 34th birthday. It was very sad at the time. She gave herself a year to get over it, maybe longer than she really HAD to spare, but it was at least a year before seh threw herself into internet dating. It gave her a lot of confidence and made her upfront and unapologetic about what she wanted out of life.. A while later she met this guy and they got chatting but nothing happened, although he was on her mind. She then bumped into him in a bar a while later. married with two kids now. And he is four years younger than she is, so PLEASE don't excuse your driftalong bf on the grounds that he's younger than you. If he wanted the same thing as you he'd be on board. four years is nothing.

ps, @ shanghailady, I don't think there's any real danger somebody is going to up and leave a relationship because a few randomers online have told them to. What is more likely is that you cast your doubts at there and you get some perspective. OP may have wondered if this was a small thing. Now she knows that people don't think it's insignificant. And it's not!! That will help her decide what to do, but I bet she's not goinng to pack her bags this evening!

B1ueberry I do think you're right and I give Amandine07 credit, she isn't just going to go and act out all of the advice on here. She cast her doubts, and it seemed to me like she was heavily getting one perspective and not the other. I'm not playing devil's advocate, I genuinely think leaving is not the answer here because I don't believe her DP is the little turd everyone else seems to. But my perspective on it is as limited as everyone else's, having been based on a few short posts...

We had a big, white wedding and our engagement was seven months long. YANBU IMO. A woman's fertility starts to drop off at 35 and if you want more than one child you could be getting into dangerous territory if you're only trying for your first at 36. And if you need help to conceive you want to be as young as possible. So I'd push for that spring/summer 2013 wedding, if I was you. If he's serious about wanting to marry you and wants to have kids with you he should be open to bringing the schedule forward a bit. Men, IME, have much longer time horizons than women - they often need a bit of a push.

lovebunny Mon 10-Sep-12 19:52:20
work on accidentally becoming pregnant by him, if you really want to have his child/ren.

Don't do that. That would be incredibly stupid.

He doesn't even want to thing about buying a flat?

Nah.
Always used to be go out, stay round with each other, live together, buy somewhere together then if you were sensible (rights and so on) marry and have kids.

I realise things have got tougher since dinosaurs roamed the earth, but if he can't commit to a flat how long do you expect him to hang round for kids...

I think you need to settle him down and talk to him; if he won't discuss this, imagine the fun you will have discussing how to bring up your kids...

shanghai, I think you are missing the point here, which is that the OP's DP isn't making her happy, because he isn't giving her what she wants: commitment and children. Nobody is saying he's a shit, just that it's clear that he and the OP do not have the same aspirations and plans for the relationship and so neither of them are going to get what they want from it in the long term. In that situation, it is better for all concerned to end it amicably now, rather than for the OP to become increasingly resentful and her DP to feel more and more pressured. That way lies great unhappiness for both of them.

IMHO it's really crunch time. I think you have unenviable decisions to make but make them you must.

Are you, when push comes to shove, prepared to go along with the idea of a 2014+ wedding with TTC coming after this, if it means staying with your DP?

If you are prepared to wait because you want to be with your DP, do it as a conscious decision on your part. But, as part of that agreement to wait, it is implicit that if there were any major issues TTC (and I am not wishing that on you in a million years) that this is not going to cause immediate, unresolvable problems with your, by that point, DH.

If that seems like an acceptable risk then you should make that choice to do things in the timescale your DP wants, agree it properly together and move on. And tbh who knows what the future holds - things may all go smoothly and exactly as wanted.

But if you cannot agree to do that as a conscious decision (rather than being backed into a corner) then you have other decisions to make.

Namely whether to end your relationship soon as you cannot honestly be sure you do want the same fundamental things. .

Or whether to issue an ultimatum. Simply laying your cards on the table and saying this is what I want for us and this is when I want it, and that's because....

Imagine you are old and telling someone your life story, what sounds right to you? I waited to get married until X wanted to and then we had a few problems having children but I loved him so much it was worth it. Or I was with someone for a long time before I realised we didn't want the same things so I had to break up with him but found someone else.

I do think you need to make one of these decisions and soonish. I just wouldn't want you to end up doing what your DP wants under sufferance. You have to decide if that is okay with you and act accordingly. It's your life too.

So, what did the OP do?

Do you think he would leave you if you have a genuine contraceptive failure?