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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider selling our house so I can quit work?

90 replies

Redwhine · 09/09/2012 06:37

It seems to extreme, but since I went back to work after DC2 in April, I have been hating it. I only do two days a week, but I am out of the house from half six to half six, and it is the kind of job where I bring a lot of work and stress home with me. With 2 DC under three, I never get time in the day to catch up on work, so I do it in the evenings. DC2 is a poor sleeper and I am so shattered all the time.

DH has a very stressful, high powered job and works long days. He is brilliant when he's here, but he too brings work home and we have started arguing about when we do it. We are losing our weekends and evenings and it feels like we're not spending enough time together as a family or a couple.

We have a large mortgage, so although DH brings in a good salary, lots of it goes on that. We could just about scrape by on DHs wage, but that's all it would be. We should have a reasonable amount of equity in the house, so if we sold and bought somewhere smaller and cheaper, we could reduce our mortgage and still have a reasonable standard of living, and I could stop work.

I'm honestly not lazy. I do lots with the children and I could do a bit of freelance stuff at certain periods in the year to bring in some extra. Apart from maternity leave I have always worked. I just feel when the kids are this young I can't keep all the balls in the air. I know some people do, I'm in awe that they do, but I don't think I can.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

Redwhine · 09/09/2012 06:37

TOO extreme! Sorry!

OP posts:

nkf · 09/09/2012 06:39

Is your husband up for it?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 09/09/2012 06:40

They won't be that young forever.

TBH, I'd up it to working 3 days a week and use that days money to fund some child care. Probably not what you want to hear.

To give up work puts a burden on your DH. in three years, both children will be at school and you'll find yourself way out of the loop in the job market.

Do you really want to scrape by?

Original poster

Redwhine · 09/09/2012 06:43

He is supportive. He can see how stressed I am. If we sold the house and reduced our mortgage, we wouldn't be scraping by, we'd be fine. If I gave up work and we stayed here, we'd be scraping by.

I know, is it really stupid to give up a job in the current climate? I do feel confident I could get something else fairly easily though, as I said I can keep my hand in with bits of freelance.

OP posts:

vez123 · 09/09/2012 06:47

If there are decent houses available that are a lot cheaper but you still don't have to compromise too much ( e.g. for schools or for your DH's commute) i don't think it's too extreme. I work four full days and I do find it can put stress on our relationship and family life. But as previous poster said your DH has to be up for it. I also think you have to consider a few years down the line from now. Would you still be happy at home when your DCs start school? How easy would it be to get back into your field after several years break?

nkf · 09/09/2012 06:48

Two dc under three means you will be tired. Even if you didn't work, you'd be tired. Shattered is the norm for a few more years I'd say.

TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 09/09/2012 06:51

I think if DH is supportive of it and you'd be happy to downsize, then why not? I left a very good job to stay at home with DS (the nature of my labour has meant that it's medically impossible for me to have another child, which changed my plans drastically - knowing I couldn't ever do it again, I wanted to spend as much time with DS as possible).

We have a large mortgage and are just scraping by on DHs salary and my small income from occasional free lance work, and it's not fun. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for Christmas presents this year.

If moving was an option (it's not, DH is not supportive of it) I would do it. However, I don't regret for a second that I left my job to stay at home with DS. I am definitely happier and I know that I can return to work when he's older and the pressures of work would be easier for us all to handle.

Do whatever you think is right for you and your family.

Alligatorpie · 09/09/2012 06:54

If your husband is supportive and you want to do it, I would seriously consider it.
My main concern would be re-entering work when the children are at school ( or whenever you decide to go back) how easy would that be?
Good luck!

Original poster

Redwhine · 09/09/2012 06:56

Thanks for replies.

It was actually his suggestion. I know being at home full time is tiring, but I can plan an 'easy' day, have quiet time after lunch etc. my job is full on, very stressful and physically and mentally draining. My brain doesn't work properly on four hours sleep!

OP posts:

Original poster

Redwhine · 09/09/2012 06:58

Tyranno,
So sorry to hear that. I think you are definately doing the right things for you and your family.

Last Christmas LOTS of our presents were eBay bargains!

OP posts:

soon2bmumof3 · 09/09/2012 07:01

I'm surprised at the responses here tbh. I'd say it's just a house, your marriage, time with DC's and sanity are much much more important. If you can downsize and improve those three things without a massive financial compromise then they are the things that matter. Do it, I would!

TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 09/09/2012 07:04

DS will only be 21mo by Christmas... We could just get him a big cardboard box to play in and an enormous bunch of bananas and he'd be happy as larry

If it was your DHs suggestion and you think you'll all be happier, you don't even need to hesitate. Go for it!

itsstillgood · 09/09/2012 07:06

I went back to work part time when ds1 was about 4months and lasted for about 8 months. For us as a family it did not work, the pressure was too much on both of us so I quit. We didn't have to go as far as selling a house but we had bought while I was pregnant so bought something we knew was manageable on the one income.

Everyone was a lot happier. Still tired, work or not young children mean you are tired, but not so stressed.

MattDamonIsMyLover · 09/09/2012 07:10

Why do you take work home with you? You do two full days, I don't see how the work overspill can destroy your free time so much. How will you handle that in the future? I think moving and downsizing is too much hassle in this case.

Born2bemild · 09/09/2012 07:16

We tried to do this a few years back. Sooo glad it did not work, we'd be up shit creek, and I wouldn't have got a new job easily. Think carefully about if you'd be happy out of a job long term.

ivykaty44 · 09/09/2012 07:25

If the house is costing you so much money that you have to work and it is making your family unhappy - then it is not a home.

Go and buy a home that will make you a happy family that will be able to spend time together.

Original poster

Redwhine · 09/09/2012 07:26

My job is not doable in the hours I work. I have lunch at my desk and don't spend time chatting or 'off task'. My boss is unreasonable. This is another reason I want to quit.

OP posts:

KatzGold · 09/09/2012 07:31

Would a change of job be a better move?

SeaShellsMyDogTrulySmells · 09/09/2012 07:35

Do you want to change jobs, or give up work completely, as the two are very different. And do you love your house, or feel meh about it. They are two separate issues for you.

If the actual reason why you don't like your return to work is that your boss is a shit, then consider finding a new job.

In this market you will struggle to sell the house quickly, and your mortgage deals etc may very well mean your finances don't change. I work for no profit after childcare and tax, as I know I will be unemployable in my career if I left it for years. We are playing the long term game....small house/high child care bills = probably just as relatively tight as you feel you are now!

EscapeInThePark · 09/09/2012 07:35

In the short term, if you and your DH are happy with that, it seems to be a very reasonable arrangement.
Well as long as downsizing doesn't mean a house so small that you are on the top of each other and it creates other problems. And that you can still manage to buy on an area that you like/with decent schools/have your friend around.

In the long term, you do need to ask yourself the question. When your dcs are older (you have 2 dcs under 3yo, I imagine that one of them will be at nursery in what 1.5years?, that is probably about the same time that you will have done the move), what are you planning to do?
Are you planning to be a SAHM or to go back to work? Is the issue that you want to be a SAHM rather than a WOHM, albeit a part time one?
If/when you go back to work, do you want to do the same job or something really different?

I think you need to look at the bigger picture there. Otherwise, you will solve the problem for a few years and then get right back to the same place where you are doing something your are unhappy about (eh being at home when you want to work because you have been out of the job place for too long or the opposite ending up doing your job again but being deeply unhappy about it)

Imsosorryalan · 09/09/2012 07:41

If you can scrape by and your happy with that do it.
My manager told me they were as poor as church mice when she had her dcs and stayed at home but she wouldn't change it for the world, they grow up so fast. (she was supposed to be trying to persuade me to stay at work)
That was all the encouragement I needed. And yes, we don't have much money but we're ok. The dcs are very happy too

SeaShellsMyDogTrulySmells · 09/09/2012 07:41

Xpost escape and katzgold :)

JustGettingByMum · 09/09/2012 07:48

I second looking for a different job. I think it's unreasonable that you are being paid for 2 days, but seem to be doing at least 3 days work.

If that is not possible, could you afford to pay for a third days child care from your current wages, and do the extra work then. At least it would all be sorted during working hours then, and you would still have 2 full days plus weekend with your DC

icepole · 09/09/2012 07:51

You only get one life. It certainly sounds like you need away from that job one way or another.

Goldenbear · 09/09/2012 07:57

Well I would do it but I'm a fairly impulsive person and go on my instinct a lot. If your DH was the one to propose it then it is a very plausible option, I would have second thoughts if he was needing to be persuaded. Your posts sound like you're leaning more heavily towards doing it than not so I think you may have answered you're own question.

I made the decision not to return to a very good job with very good prospects. However unlike you I didn't have a big mortgage on a big house to downsize from we had a 1 bedroom flat! I can therefore appreciate compared to your situation we had less to loose but in some ways it was more of a gamble because of that reason. My DP was an Architectural Assistant so he wasn't on much to support us but the DC have grown with his career and he is a year off being qualified Architect. This is not the conventional route but I was not happy to return to work as it would've meant being away from DS 6.30 - 7.30 5 days a week with different childcare arrangements because of my commute to London. Ultimately, I'm very pleased with our decision despite their being quite a few testing times along the way.

If you can get freelance work then you will be in a much better position than a lot if SAHP.

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