To consider selling our house so I can quit work?

[Redwhine]

It seems to extreme, but since I went back to work after DC2 in April, I have been hating it. I only do two days a week, but I am out of the house from half six to half six, and it is the kind of job where I bring a lot of work and stress home with me. With 2 DC under three, I never get time in the day to catch up on work, so I do it in the evenings. DC2 is a poor sleeper and I am so shattered all the time.

DH has a very stressful, high powered job and works long days. He is brilliant when he's here, but he too brings work home and we have started arguing about when we do it. We are losing our weekends and evenings and it feels like we're not spending enough time together as a family or a couple.

We have a large mortgage, so although DH brings in a good salary, lots of it goes on that. We could just about scrape by on DHs wage, but that's all it would be. We should have a reasonable amount of equity in the house, so if we sold and bought somewhere smaller and cheaper, we could reduce our mortgage and still have a reasonable standard of living, and I could stop work.

I'm honestly not lazy. I do lots with the children and I could do a bit of freelance stuff at certain periods in the year to bring in some extra. Apart from maternity leave I have always worked. I just feel when the kids are this young I can't keep all the balls in the air. I know some people do, I'm in awe that they do, but I don't think I can.

WWYD?

Sorry for typos, part of not Parton!

I think you are being very smart to put your family first. And I'm kinda surprised by how many people consider money more important. It's exactly the sorts of stressors you describe that contribute to marriage break ups.

If your dh is up for it, go for it.

Oh OP try to ignore the posters who mock your workload. You feel how you feel and anyone with half a modicum of sense knows that work and 2 young dc is a big workload. I don't know why some people have to get so competitive, I guess they are insecure.

Ultimately you want to look back on your life and be glad for the relationships you built, the people you loved. You don't want to look back on years of stress over mortgage costs and a split family.

It would be crazy to downsize at the moment with house values decreasing as they are. I also wouldn't give up a 2 days per week job - most people would kill for one of those if it paid enough.

It sounds like a perfect work/life situation for many, many people so I don't think you should be too surprised if most people think YABU.

In the end, though, you've got to do what you think is best so asking if YABU is probably not the best way to resolve it.

If you want to be at home with your children then when not buy a smaller house? I gave up work to stay at home after maternity & we can afford it because we have a tiny house & a small mortgage.

I am surprised by the amount of people who sat things like "It's okay for you, I've GOT to go back full time to pay the mortgage but I'd rather stay at home if I could" without seeming to make a connection between their gorgeous big house and their mortgage! I never say anything, I just mod politely but in the back of my mind, I often think "Actually, if you really wanted to, you could" - but obviously it means giving up the big house in a nice area, one of the new cars etc.

Each to their own, but I'm happy with the decision we made and every day I actually thank God that I don't have to go back to my old place of work. I went back for a short time after maternity and was spending time in a toilet cubicle, sobbing because I missed DD so much and I really didn't want to be there. I also worked part time but my husband works incredibly long hours so it just wasn't working overall.

Whenever I drive past the building, I do a little cheer to myself in the car because I will never have to go in there again

House prices are going down at all around here - i wish!

Could you have a mornings worth of childcare so you could get the work at home done then?

I would never advise any woman to give up work. Change job if you really feel you need to get away from the current one, but don't give up the security of your own income.

Life brings strange and unexpected reverses. It is very hard to get back into work once you've given it up completely.

I agree with those who say you need to invest more in help with housework and childcare. Send the children to nursery for a morning/day when you're not working. This will give head space.

I didn't go back to work because I knew I couldn't cope with the stress and 2 under 2's at home (which turned into 3 under 3's). I know I certainly cannot do a job where I need to do any work at home.

Dh keeps a very close eye on the finances and mortgage and remortgages at every opportunity to get it as cheap as possible - is that an option for you? interest only mortgage?

If it came down to me working very long hours in a job I hate or moving house, I would move house. I've been stressed enough as it is and a rubbish mother and wife as a result - it's not fair on my dh or dc's.

There are 2 big reasons not to give up work entirely, and only one of them has been briefly touched on.

1. Getting back on the employment ladder is much harder if you have taken a break of several years, compared with only working part time.

2. Think of how this is going to affect your pension. This has not been mentioned by anyone as far as I've seen. It's easy to think about your finances in the here and now, but you do need to consider how this will impact on you when you are both of retirement age.

I'm in the same camp as a number of people here, that I could probably earn more money, have newer car, bigger house etc, but it would significantly reduce my quality of life. What's the point of having nice stuff or a family if you're always at work? (and I'm not even that bothered about the nice stuff in the first place!).

My first thought was to suggest you book a 3rd day of childcare, and get your work done at home on that day, then enjoy the time you have with your LOs on the other 4 days.
Another though was paying for a cleaner and or someone to do your ironing, or even maybe look at finding a nanny/housekeeper type person for the days you work. I'm presuming if you are both working long hours in stressful jobs, then your budget would probably stretch for a few hours cleaning.
I think the problem with selling up and downsizing, by the time you've taken into account the things you don't want to compromise on (be that keeping 3 beds or location or whatever), and then you've taken out the costs of buying and selling, you won't actually end up with that much over. Once you've had something remember, it's much harder to do without it than if you've never had it. Don't forget how stressful selling a house is either. Also, these years when they are little are hard, but they are only a very few years in your lifetime, and I really think you'd wish you hadn't, 5 years down the line. Better to spend a bit of money on getting some support now, on a temp basis, while you need the help.
Of course, getting a job you enjoy doing would be the ideal scenario, but that's probably not as easy as it sounds.

I was in your position 16/17 years ago OP. We could just scrape by based on DH's income alone - in fact we didn't extend ourselves fully mortgage wise to ensure that we would be able to scrape if I gave up work. I found I couldn't do two days a week - it was a no man's land of belonging nowhere, robbing routine and totally exhausting especiallly when the baby was inevitably up all night the night before a work day - he just seemed to know. Oddly he slept much better once I stopped work and he had a better routine unbroken by nursery days.. I gave up. We had a few tight years where I think the baby got a board book for the first Xmas I gave up and DH a mars bar. At that time though the dc were too small to know they weren't getting presents - they would have been happy with an old toy in an empty box.

For two years there was nothing over each month but we were all much happier. DH also ended up much more supported and that helped him focus on work and build on his success. If I had continued working I don't thnk that would have happened. After a couple of years more money was coming in and things eased and we were glad we stayed put. We could have moved to a very nice house worth half as much as the one we had. That house is now worth one third of the value of our present house. The DC will get bigger, your DH will earn more, you will be able to start again or get less stressful work in the meantime. I ended up with an 8 year break (it was bliss) and went back when the youngest started school. One note of caution though - I still earn less now than I did when I stopped working in 1996 - but I have a much better life balance, no travel etc.

I would go for it. We did simelar and I have never regretted it. DH has been able to get ahead at work as he never need worry about childcare etc unlike when he had to when we both worked full time. Being a SAHM when kids are at school is great too, you can be involved in school and get all the crap done in the day so look forward to collecting DC at 3. I don't think you will regret time with DC. Jobs are over rated a lot of the time. Go for it and enjoy!

What would you do if DH lost his job? If you give us yours, you put all the pressure on him to be the only earner. I know you are stressed, but I would just put the DCs in nursery for an extra day in order to ensure that you are still able to work and bring in some money, just in case... The DCs will be at school in a couple of years and if you give up work now, you might find it very difficult to get back into it. On the other hand, if you have one of those careers where you can always find a job, then maybe if it not such a bad idea.

Would you be able to stay in the house, but reduce mortgage payments while you are not working?

are you very career minded? Do you rely on your job to boost your self esteem? I gave up a very good job to be a sahm when my youngest started school, spent a few years working three days a week, and am now a sahm again (had number 3 last year).
I think that, as long as you have a strong equal partnership, and your husband sees the benefits to you being a sahm as you do, it's a fantastic idea. If you are not overly concerned with losing out financially in the longterm, it's fine. Dh says there's no shadow of doubt that my staying home with the dc's gave him miles more freedom work wise and when he returned home, homework was done, house tidy, meal on the table etc. just call me a tragic 1950's housewife!
My main priority was always going to be my children and there was no job on the planet to tempt me away from them. Often it seems that humans equate self esteem with paid work. I disagree.
Also, after a few years of using school clubs and holiday clubs, my eldest two are much happier. They didn't mind childcare when they were toddlers and would run into a creche happily. As they got older, they really resented it and found it very boring and limiting.

I think its a great idea if it will take the pressure off and let you enjoy life. Life is short and if a smaller house will make dh's salary go further for now then why not? Freelance lets you have flexibilty as the kids grow and then you can go back if you find something you like. I stayed at home when ds was little and it was great I turned a hobby into a full time career and things just fell into place. I never went back to traditional work and neither did a few of my freelance friends and we are still all happy with the choices and our dcs are all teenagers now.I was never ambitious though in terms of work was always trying to find ways to do less and was happy to have less material things in exchange for time.

You also need to factor in that your dh works very long hours and is very stressed too. So don't assume that you stopping working will be a cure- all. Be realistic about he will feel being the sole earner, and possibly living in a smaller less nice house in not such a nice area, which may mean he finds it harder to relax when he gets home

If the problem is solely centred on your jobs, it's probably worth seriously considering career changes for both of you. Assuming you don't want to be out of the work place forever, surely the same problem will occur whenever you step back in?

I also think there's a lot to be said for both partners working reasonable hours with less stress, than one partner working stupid hours and having lots of stress and the other not working at all.

The only sensible reason to sell your house is if you are absolutely sure it's the only way to solve your work stress problems.

Funny that... we talked about similar issue last week. We have a four bed house, two kids, and would be fine in a three bed house, a bit smaller, the boys share a bedroom anyway, and it would allow us to have some extra money to do things like going on holidays, weekends away, go out to restaurants once in a while, and other luxuries and more money in savings. etc. It's not a bad idea if you can make it work, but as others have said, it might not be a cure if there are other issues in the family.

We have a small mortgage so that I can SAH and raise the DC for as long as I want to. If we had got our dream home however, it would have come at a steep cost and would have been very stressful trying to arrange childcare. Life is too short for all of that. I can return to the workforce when the time is right. OP do what you feel is right.

You don't have to justify giving up work. It is clearly draining the life out of you, so what's the point? If you don't desperately need the money and your DH is all in favour of you quitting then there's no reason whatsoever to stay in a job that you hate, and that is clearly making your life miserable.

I'm a SAHM who does freelance from home. It is fantastic. I work when I get the chance (my hours are very low for the time being) and when DS and soon to be DC2 are older I should easily be able to take on more work. I get the best of both worlds - plenty of time with my son, no childcare issues, a bit of income, and something to keep the brain ticking over. Plus if I do want to go back to full time work at some stage I don't have any gap in my CV apart from maternity leave. We bought our house last year when DS was tiny and we deliberately chose a place that we could afford without me working, even though I wasn't sure yet if I would go back full time/part time. It doesn't make sense to stretch yourself thin and be unhappy to fund a house you don't really need.

I don't think the comments that "most people would love to be in your situation" helpful at all. It doesn't matter what "most people" want, it only matters what you want.

Wow, so much food for thought there. I so appreciate all the thoughtful comments from both perspectives. I suppose our first step is to get our house valued, we are in an area where prices are fairly stable, but obviously if the house is worth less than we paid for it the whole idea is a non starter. Also think we might see how we go banking my salary and living off DHs for a couple of months, see if we can manage. It's so useful to hear from others in similar situations, whatever they decided to do.

Our house is four bedrooms, which we don't really need. Think we could go for three and a bit less space and be fine. I guess this is a bit of a 'my diamond shoes are too tight problem' in many ways and I know we are lucky to have options.

My suggestions would be a) rather than downsize, rent out your house and rent something for yourself much smaller - if you have a lot of equity, you should be able to get rent that more than covers the mortgage, giving you some spare cash for any voids and/or saving for any work needing doing, then rent something small so your outgoings are smaller, but you haven't given up for ever your bigger house.

b) look for another job, you might be able to get 2 or 3 days a week elsewhere, particularly if you are prepared to take a step down.

c) put the DCs in nursery 1 morning a week on top of your 2 days, that way you have a morning to get on top of work so you can focus on the DCs the rest of the time. (additionally, if you don't have a cleaner, get one)

Posted too soon, the most important bit is to look for a new job.

OP - could you rent a bedroom to a student during term time so that you keep the house in the short to medium term, funds continue to come in while you set out your stall? It will cost to sell, you might find another, less stressful job, you might get pg by accident and need that 4th bedroom. It costs money to buy and sell and if you end up having ot do it twice in 5 years then it's a diseconomy. Alternatively, if you aren't working, could you buy a doer upper 3/4 bed and view it as a project whilst you are at home with the dc.

"My diamond shoes are too tight" - love it!

As above, you could rent out a room - I know a family who have just taken in a foreign student who is 18yrs old and a huge hit with their dc's!

There are plenty of options - isn't a job/career change one of them? If you have a long term plan for your career then you need to work out what is the right step to take now.