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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider selling our house so I can quit work?

90 replies

Redwhine · 09/09/2012 06:37

It seems to extreme, but since I went back to work after DC2 in April, I have been hating it. I only do two days a week, but I am out of the house from half six to half six, and it is the kind of job where I bring a lot of work and stress home with me. With 2 DC under three, I never get time in the day to catch up on work, so I do it in the evenings. DC2 is a poor sleeper and I am so shattered all the time.

DH has a very stressful, high powered job and works long days. He is brilliant when he's here, but he too brings work home and we have started arguing about when we do it. We are losing our weekends and evenings and it feels like we're not spending enough time together as a family or a couple.

We have a large mortgage, so although DH brings in a good salary, lots of it goes on that. We could just about scrape by on DHs wage, but that's all it would be. We should have a reasonable amount of equity in the house, so if we sold and bought somewhere smaller and cheaper, we could reduce our mortgage and still have a reasonable standard of living, and I could stop work.

I'm honestly not lazy. I do lots with the children and I could do a bit of freelance stuff at certain periods in the year to bring in some extra. Apart from maternity leave I have always worked. I just feel when the kids are this young I can't keep all the balls in the air. I know some people do, I'm in awe that they do, but I don't think I can.

WWYD?

OP posts:

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 09/09/2012 20:28

My view...
I've worked my children's whole life. I returned to work when dd was 6weeks old. I've worked PT, evenings, weekends, whatever fitted in at the time. I've missed so much. if I had my time over, I would do everything differently. They are teenagers now, nearly grown. There's no more time for baby cuddles, trips to the park or barbies on the beach. I've wasted so many weekends, they've been alone so much in the school holidays, so much time with them that I won't get back. It makes me really sad and guilty.

janey68 · 09/09/2012 20:33

I've worked since my children were small and there's never been any shortage of cuddles, snuggles, picnics and playing .

If you unhappy and stressed then take steps to change things op. but don't for a moment think that working means missing out on all the lovely things about being a mummy (or daddy!)

holyfishnets · 09/09/2012 20:48

What do your instincts tell you to do? What are your priorities? There are a lot of people suggesting you continue working, so I thought I should post too.

Thankfully we can just get by on my DH's wage. It it tight but we manage ok. My priorities are spending time with the kids and I'm fortunate to be able to do this. I don't really care about what car I drive or the size of my house. I do plan to go back to work some time in a couple of years but will hold out for a job that I'll generally enjoy. It does sounds like you will be able to get back into your career after the break.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/09/2012 20:55

I second what holyfishnets says.

I think its fine if you want to work but some people don't. I enjoy being at home and we are certainly not well off, but we get by. I suppose it depends on what sort of lifestyle you want, one persons idea of heaven is another persons hell.

Proudnscary · 09/09/2012 20:58

Saggy! I'm so sorry you feel like that, I really am . Where was your h is all this or are you a single mother? Partly because I'm a FT working mum and don't feel this way ast my dh has been at home and I have always wangled time with the kids including taking them to school. Summer hols is the only time I feel guilty/torn.

Proudnscary · 09/09/2012 20:59

Sorry terribly worded post. I meant I don't feel the way you do but I have had a lot of support and balance.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 09/09/2012 21:17

DP has been here all along, but does not earn huge amounts. So i had to work. My qualifications are in a field renowned for long and unsociable hours. DP was always with them when I wasn't, but I still missed out. Still am missing out.

Proudnscary · 09/09/2012 21:23

I'm really sorry you feel like that. Brave of you to post so honestly xx

nancy75 · 09/09/2012 21:41

Op, I think much of your choice depends on how career minded you are. I went back to work when my dd was 4 months old, dp a nd I hardly saw each other, we were all miserable, the house was a tip and life was horrible.

We made the decision that you are thinking of, we sold the big house, got a smaller one and I left my well paid but stressful job.
At first I found it a struggle not having money of my own ( dp & I share all our money, it wasn't him being mean it was me feeling funny about spending " his" money).
Once we all settled in to our new life I realized we had made the best decision for our family. I stayed at home until dd started school, when she had been at school for a term I looked for a new job, and do you know what- the thought of going back to my previous type job didn't enter my head. I now have an easy admin job, not great money but no stress, no taking work home and a bit of extra cash every month. It really worked for our family and I am so glad that I had those years at home with my dd.

NumericalMum · 09/09/2012 21:47

Very interesting perspectives. I do think not enough emphasis is put on what might happen if you and your partner ever split. I have a friend who has no pension at all and her partner has insisted she is a SAHM. She really worries about what she will do if they ever split.

I work as I enjoy it and the time I spend with my DC is quality time rather than quantity time. I also grew up with a mum who resented spending all day with us and never getting to do anything else. My mil is the same. I hope my DC will remember a hard working mummy as well as the good times we had together. Working helped me get over my PND so I know working was the right decision for me.

When I worked part time I found it very hard but discipline was key. I was being paid to do 4 days but the temptation to do more than my colleagues was great. I also worked a year with a child who never slept and it was stressful but the time past quickly.

itsjustmeanon · 09/09/2012 21:56

I work freelance, and we scrape by. I prefer to budget very carefully, than have a job I hate. It saves money not working, making everything from scratch in kitchen, camping holidays, not having meals out, buying almost everything second hand etc. Its doable. We live in a 3 bed property, we like the area, and no intentions to move. No plans for private education. I think you need to consider what you and your DH want, and best for children.

Chunkamatic · 09/09/2012 22:08

We are in a similar-ish situation, only I already am at home with my DC's. It is a struggle financially, even though DP earns a good wage we live in an area where housing costs are really high.
We have a lovely house but just recently it dawned on us that it is paying for this house is killing our family time (DP works a lot of overtime to cover the fact I am not earning). So we have vowed to sell up, probably to relocate closer to my family (which will mak it easier for me to return o work anyway). I just can't reconcile myself with staying here an either struggling along, or doing a job I don't want to do (i.e my previous job - cant afford to retrain if we stay here) to pay for bricks and mortar.... A house is not what makes a family.
Having a young family is hard and I take my hat off to parents who both work full time too... By if yo don't have to do it, and you don't want to do it, then don't!

lovechoc · 10/09/2012 10:55

This is what I don't get. Why are so many families getting huge mortgages to have a huge fancy house, yet the father hardly sees the children because he's out slaving his guts to keep up with the Joneses. Surely it makes sense to live modestly and get lots of quality family time, to have money available to enjoy as a family? Maybe live in a smaller house, less affluent area, etc. Life is so short, I just can't see how so many people put up with this kind of lifestyle when they really don't have to.

anastaisia · 10/09/2012 11:25

As long as worst case scenarios have been considered - like what would happen if DH lost his job, or could no longer work because of illness or disability, or how you'd be protected if the relationship ended - then I think downsizing to free up time and money for you as a family is reasonable.

I'd personally only do it if I had a plan to leave the awful 'too much work for the hours' job, and over a period of time work towards something else that would give me/the family some protection should any of the worst case things happen even if it didn't make a lot of money. I'd also want my partner to look at what fewer financial demands would mean for them because it wouldn't suit me to have a partner who had to be at work so much they weren't able to fully pull their weight at home - but understand that different things work best for different people and not saying it's wrong for other families but that I wouldn't be okay with it.

DaveMccave · 10/09/2012 11:28

No, you are being sensible! I've always said I wouldn't buy if I were to have more children, as being at home with them is more important to me than owning property. Renting gives you more flexibility, if your income takes a dive, you can move somewhere cheaper. You don't have to work all the hours you can just to pay a mortgage. Your babies aren't babies forever, life is for living, yadda yadda. Sell up, rent, you won't regret not working enough on your death bed. You would regret working too much.

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