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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

....to challenge people with bad manners?

130 replies

thefifthheffalump · 08/09/2012 09:12

Not really bad stuff for the most part. Things like people not taking their rubbish in a food court and putting it in the bin, but leaving the crap all over the table so nobody can use it without clearing it themselves. I did this today to a couple of 20ish girls (asked them as they left the next table if they thought it was polite to leave their rubbish behind for someone else to deal with - they didn't say anything but looked a bit shamefaced, turned back and took it to the bin, so they obviously recognised it as the right hing to do, they were just being lazy and inconsiderate). My DH was slightly shocked and commented that lately I seem to have less tolerance for this type of thoughtlessness (I'd had a go a couple of days ago at an absolute twunt thoughtless person who was driving dangerously fast through a cramped car park and I am also prone to speak up to people allowing their kids to be absolute little shits in public).

I don't know if this is age - having hit the big 50 I'm less worried about what other people think of me if I speak up - or if I'm actually getting a bit menopausal or something! I think I'm just feeling less patient with the culture of entitlement and lack of consideration that makes life that bit less pleasant for everyone else, but I'm worried I'm descending into 'when I were a lass...the world was a better place' territory.

Do other people feel like me, or am I really becoming a bit unreasonable? I hasten to add that I'm not violently confrontational or anything, my challenges are always polite!

OP posts:
Lueji · 08/09/2012 16:25

Maybe she was also preoccupied and distracted and just did it in autopilot mode, as she explained.

hmc · 08/09/2012 16:26

I used to correct people for not saying 'thank you' when I held the door open for them until one occasion when my dd said "Why did you correct that woman, she did say thank you" - it seems I simply hadn't heard her Blush. I have also been corrected by somebody else who held the door for me; they clearly hadn't heard my acknowledging 'thank you', I felt really disgruntled and cheesed off!

Agree with MerryM's sentiments about giving others the benefit of the doubt - and agree that the best way to be an ambassador for politeness is to model good manners and consideration yourself; not challenging strangers on it unless really necessary (I would speak up about being jostled, queue jumping or spoken too rudely - i.e. things which directly impact upon me, however I wouldn't harangue people on everything little behaviour that doesn't meet my exacting standards)

SaraBellumHertz · 08/09/2012 16:29

25 odd years ago I was in Woolworths with my sister and we needed to know the time.

I was an incredibly shy and timid seven year old and my sis and I had a long debate over who would make the approach to ask the question.

Being the elder I walked over to a friendly grandmotherly type and said in a quivering voice "excuse me could you tell me the time"

In my terror and so focussed on getting her attention with my stammered "excuse me" I didn't say please.

She looked at me barked "please!" followed by "didn't your mother teach you manners" and stalked off.

I was mortified, it had taken every ounce of courage I had to approach her and it took me a while many years to get over the horror!

It makes me very careful about what I say to children myself

wellwisher · 08/09/2012 17:15

I am well aware that many of the people who self-righteously pile into AIBU threads saying "but what if the other person has special needs" are parents of sn dcs. It's very often the same people over and over again... There are certain posters who derail a significant number of threads with their blinkered focus on pushing the "won't someone think of SN" agenda to the point where anyone who expects decent behaviour from strangers is accused of being unreasonable/callous. I do find it chippy; obviously life with a sn dc is massively stressful but it doesn't have to be brought into every thread.

The posters who felt the need to challenge me for what they perceive to be my rudeness are rather supporting my argument that perceived rudeness should be challenged, so I thank them. But I do wonder whether they've considered that I might have special needs...
Grin

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/09/2012 17:20
Hmm

Sorry if people's personal experiences are irritating. How dreadful for you, I do hope you are OK

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/09/2012 17:22

You forgot to.mention the 'SN gang' or 'brigade' or whatever tiresome.phrase you like to wheel out

bigsnugglebunny · 08/09/2012 17:35

wellwisher Well I've only been here 2 days - so I can assure you that I only mentioned SN in response to the OP's statement "people allowing their kids to be absolute little shits in public" with an alternative viewpoint. In my defence I felt (and still feel) that it was relevant and reasonable to broach the subject, and have been speaking from personal experience.

It's certainly not "off topic" to say "hey, maybe don't go confront parents angrily about what you perceive to be shitty behaviour, because there might be a hidden cause for that." A valid point I feel.

I do however, also see the validity of your point. Yes, people do tend to jump onto the SN bandwagon, it's a huge part of every waking moment of a SN parent's life. Not a minute passes when one can relax and forget about it, and therefore we do have a tendancy to relate everything to our experiences in the SN world.

To concur with your comment - though I am not a fan of "armchair diagnoses" your bluntness would indeed indicate perhaps some Asperger's traits. A-la Sheldon Cooper and his profound ability to offend without meaning to! However there is no offence meant by this, I love Sheldon - and my tongue is firmly in my cheek.

Personally I don't see the point or need to resort to flame wars over a simple difference in opinion - this is a discussion forum, and we're all discussing! Brilliant - this place is fit for purpose then. Smile In the words of the great man himself "You're welcome" Wink

Dawndonna · 08/09/2012 17:37

If your dig at me makes you feel better wellwisher fine. I really don't give a damn.

limitedperiodonly · 08/09/2012 17:49

Maybe they pile in on such threads because they are constantly defending their DC against people who don't consider the full picture and need educating.

Maybe they want to defend other people too.

I don't have a child with special needs. I have a mother in her 80s instead. She's not unique either so I am puzzled by the people who get annoyed with her for interrupting their busy lives by being doddery. She's 89. She's earned the right to be doddery and actually she's a lot bloody sharper than a lot of younger people.

There was one on this thread. I didn't address her directly but I did point out that my mother is not doing it deliberately and the world would be a nicer place if more people had a little think about why someone might be acting in an annoying manner.

This is a thread about manners, isn't it?

wellwisher · 08/09/2012 17:51

I was already feeling pretty chipper, actually.

As opposed to chippy.

Bazinga! Grin

CaliforniaLeaving · 08/09/2012 17:54

LOL op welcome to getting older, I started this at about age 40 and still do it, now I turned 50 too.
Dd (age 7) has started to comment out loud to people too, like those who barge through a door she's held open for someone and don't say thank you, she shouts "your welcome" quite a few men in suits will stutter, 'Oh thank you" Grin Make me chuckle and she's had a few well done comments from the elderly.

merrymouse · 08/09/2012 18:06

wellwisher, it really does take all sorts to make a world doesn't it! Smile.

When I first encountered mumsnet as the mother of a baby I hadn't thought much about other people's children for at least a decade and I was very enlightened by the comments of mothers of children with SN, and it really helped me understand a little of a world that was outside my experience. It then turned out that my toddler had a few difficulties of his own...

It is tough being the mother of a child with who marches to the beat of his own drum. However, at least I'm not somebody who suffers from feeling insulted/irritated because people post on internet forums from the POV of an SN parent. That must be a really tough personality trait to deal with!

Interestingly, I tend to find that the vast majority of people I encounter are very polite...

Apologies for your little problem, well-wisher, but I say long may SN parents continue to 'pile in' to threads like this.

wellwisher · 08/09/2012 19:01

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bigsnugglebunny · 08/09/2012 19:09

Ooh talking about bad manners, was queuing in a cafe earlier this week with DS1 and DD1 (in her buggy) and just as we got to the front of the queue, an older lady (not elderly, just older) shouted her order over the top of us. Now that was blimmin rude!

"Bazinga!" Love it!

Latonia · 08/09/2012 19:13

I can't stand people who drop litter. I was once at a garage when the occupants of a car removed wrappers from lollies and sweets and threw them out of the window. I gathered them up and threw them back in through the open window. They didn't say a word, too gobsmacked I think.

LadySybildeChocolate · 08/09/2012 19:16

My son challenged a woman who threw her cigarette end on the floor. 'Excuse me, I think you dropped something.'
'Yes, I know,' then she carried on walking away. Sadly some people don't give a shit. Sad

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/09/2012 19:23

Goading is both rude and boring.

GhostShip · 08/09/2012 19:27

lady whilst she was completely out of order I think your son was a bit rude.

Unless you're a person who doesn't do anything wrong ever, you shouldn't really be 'challenging' anyone. I also think some people here feel self important whilst doing it.

Dawndonna · 08/09/2012 19:32

My dd made an interesting point on a thread a while back, about the internet bringing bullying into the home.

merrymouse · 08/09/2012 19:32

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Dominodonkey · 08/09/2012 19:43

ghostship I could not disagree more. Lady Sybil's son sounds great. Why shouldn't the lady be reminded not to drop litter. Anyone with any worth would have said 'oh, I didn't realise' and picked it up.

LadySybildeChocolate · 08/09/2012 19:48

My son doesn't drop litter, ghostship (it's all in his pockets!). He doesn't feel 'self important' he just doesn't like it when people drop litter/spit on the floor/swear. He's a polite boy who opens doors for people and gives other people his seat on the bus. There's nothing wrong with this.

Thank you, Domino. Smile

wellwisher · 08/09/2012 21:57

Unbelievable... my calm, profanity free post gets deleted while Dawndonna's charming post telling me to fuck off - because I expressed an opinion that isn't compatible with the PC consensus - is left up. The PC thought police strike again... what's the matter MNHQ, do you all have special needs kids or something? I haven't posted anything that breaks the guidelines. Well, apart from this maybe...

ScramblyEgg · 08/09/2012 22:10

wellwisher you don't have to swear to be offensive. You know what you're doing.

TudorJess · 08/09/2012 22:17

YABU. Just mind your own business and congratulate yourself quietly on how impeccable you are.