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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be reluctant to agree to ex-H's request for 10 yr old DS to travel by bus

39 replies

marl · 07/09/2012 19:45

Would welcome some supporting arguments on this one if any of you can help please. Difficult ex-H is now unable to pick up DS for weekend contact on a Friday night because of a change to work. (There is a court order that stipulates a 5pm pick up and has been in place for several years after endless unreasonable litigation from him) He now wants DS to catch bus (half hour trip plus crossing major rd and then a walk down a long pathway in a school) and go to a sports club before he arrives home from work which is quite a way down the motorway. I don't feel at all comfortable with this: I think he's too young; I think in the winter dark this feels even worse; I won't even know if he's arrived there since I'm not doing mobiles till secondary school and even if something went wrong I'm not nearby to sort it; ex-H may very likely get stuck on the motorway and not be there to collect him. Am happy to have a later pick up time from home before 7, stop the Friday night contact and/or drop him myself on a Saturday morning; but I don't have the flexibility to be able to drop him down there on a friday night myself. What do you all think? I know I'll get it in the neck and this will be viewed as me trying to be difficult when I have the conversation about this so would appreciate having some other input on this. Thanks all!

OP posts:
RuleBritannia · 07/09/2012 20:08

Well, if the X has a new job, one can understand the need to alter the pick up arrangements. That said, your DS will have to learn one day how to get from A to B without being in a car. My first inclination was to say you are being unreasonable and your DS should go forth.

I've thought about it and suggest that you accompany him for the first few times, using the same time bus every time and get the bus back yourself, leaving your X to bring him home. The bus sriver will get to know your DS. By the time the Spring comes your DS will be able to do the journey homself.

NatashaBee · 07/09/2012 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longjane · 07/09/2012 20:17

i think you need to start doing mobiles now as you and he to be in contact in case dad does get there in time

RevoltingChildren · 07/09/2012 20:19

I have a 10 year old & wouldn't be happy with that arrangement (her school wouldn't allow it anyway as all junior children have to be collected by an adult

I'm considering letting her catch a direct bus to ballet on a Saturday lunchtime but it's the middle if the day, once she gets there their will be lots of friends mums who could make sure she was ok and it's local enough for someone to go and get her in an emergency.

DoMeDon · 07/09/2012 20:20

YANBU. While I agree that new arrangements need to be made I don't think the bus route is the appropriate option. I agree he is too young, it's too far and not accessible enough if any problem. I would put that across. Make it clear you agree a new pick up time needs to be made but you are worried it will be too much for your son. I don't know anything about your X, but would 'joking' that you worry too much or something take the edge off it? I would say how much you appreciate him trying to stick to the legal arrangement (basically a bit of a shit sandwich) but these are the other options, as laid out in OP, and you're happy for him to pick any one of them.

fuzzysnout · 07/09/2012 20:24

I don't think that YABU. In the dark this sounds a long & potentially scarey trip for a ten year old. Having said that X is not unreasonable to want to change the arrangements given a new work situation, but it seems that a change of time would be better if he is amenable. The mobile phone thing is a bit of a non argument as that is your choice (not saying it's a bad one) but I would be inclined to go for the safety argument & hope X will be reasonable about a change.

TheLightPassenger · 07/09/2012 20:45

I am a great believer in public transport, but yanbu. The arrangement is too fraught with problems, because instead of DS going to your ex's house, where he could sit quietly for 1/2 hour if your ex was delayed, there is the sports club as the "middle man' in all this. Given you are happy to facilitate the contact in other ways, I think you are being v reasonable.

ll31 · 07/09/2012 20:49

Get him a mobile

WilsonFrickett · 07/09/2012 20:50

I've thought about it and suggest that you accompany him for the first few times, using the same time bus every time and get the bus back yourself, leaving your X to bring him home

Shouldn't be the XP doing the partner runs? His access, he has to make it work...

HissyByName · 07/09/2012 21:12

How old is your boy?

I'd say if he's not at secondary school, by a good couple of years, then the answer is NO.

Your Ex is being unreasonable and gambling with his son's safety. His court wranglings have now come to bite him on the arse now haven't they? He'll have to finish work early on the days he has contact...

if only he had been more reasonable earlier

coppertop · 07/09/2012 21:30

If your dh isn't available to collect, then surely he should be doing what other parents have to do when they are unable to collect their child - make arrangements (paid or otherwise) for another person to do this for them.

Why should you or your ds have to deal with the consequences of the work changes, while your dh gets to carry on without putting himself out at all?

I think your ds is too young for the journey you describe, particularly on dark evenings.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 07/09/2012 21:32

I wouldn't. Also, mobile phones don't magically protect children from every danger so thinking that getting one will make this safe is naive.

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 21:35

HissyByName The OP says he's 10.

I think it's too young if the child isn't confident/scared of the dark.

I would suggest the 7pm pick up

But I would still give him a cheap PAYG to take with him anyway.

solidgoldbrass · 07/09/2012 21:36

Contact arrangements can be changed when circumstances change, surely. Is your XP one of those hideously unreasonable ones who regards DS as a toy that he is entitled to set hours to play with? YANBU to be concerned for DS' wellbeing if he has to get a bus by himself and hang around in some sports hall with no means of contacting anyone if something goes wrong.

HissyByName · 07/09/2012 21:54

Ah, 10 in the title... Blush Cheers Worra! Grin

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 21:58

You can return the favour when I'm too pissed to read Grin Wine

TheDetective · 07/09/2012 22:02

Absolutely not unreasonable of you!

I have a 10 year old DS, and I'd not agree to this. If it was in the same town, and he was going straight to his dads, where he would be met by an adult, I would consider it (but even then I would not be happy!). He is asking a 10 year old to be a considerable distance away from his parents, and family to wait for him.

Not a chance. I'd consider it in y8/9 of secondary and not before.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 07/09/2012 22:13

no way 10 is far too young. Its not the bus travel it is the unacompanied walk the other end. I wopuld not even advocate a secondary school child to take a walk through a deserted school late at night. I would not advocate any adult to either. nothing may happen but Id rather err on the side of cation.

Original poster
marl · 07/09/2012 22:15

Ah thanku all so much. It was very reassuring to get lots of feedback. Yes solidgoldbrass much of the court stuff has been about ex-ps rights and regarding DS as a possession plus now keeping up his number of nights so he doesn't have to pay much maintenance. Now he can't do things the way he fought for i've not been 'asked' but 'told' by him that he can't do half the hols etc. I've work and another dd so things are rarely straightforward. Happy to stick to my guns on this bit am aware of the potential chaos to any Friday night with my own family if I leave pick up to be openly flexible. By 7 is about as late as I'd want to go really. I'll stick to my gut feeling on this one then!

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 07/09/2012 22:17

I would agree to later that 7 on a friday night though if ds is happy to.

mellen · 07/09/2012 22:31

This doesnt sound like a suitable option for a 10 year old, IMO. If he was going from an adult at one bus stop to an adult at the other, then fine, but this sounds a lot more complicated with many potential pitfalls.

crackcrackcrak · 07/09/2012 22:40

Tell ex if he wants ds at 5 he needs to arrange and pay for a taxi from school to his house and if there will be no one there to give ds a key.
I don't think anyone would force the buss issue - he's too young! It's also not suitable to start him in the bus when it will be pitch black after school in a few weeks. Just no!

Inertia · 08/09/2012 00:10

I wouldn't be happy with this. Your DH should be arranging professional childcare if his work times now mean he isn't back in time to collect him.

youngermother1 · 08/09/2012 00:32

7pm pick up is fair if XDP is able to meet that time. If he is unable to make it until 8 because of the job then probably YABU not to offer that.

iscream · 08/09/2012 06:37

I wouldn't like it and would tell ex to come when he is off work to pick the child up. Or to come get him the next day.

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