to be reluctant to agree to ex-H's request for 10 yr old DS to travel by bus

[marl]

Would welcome some supporting arguments on this one if any of you can help please. Difficult ex-H is now unable to pick up DS for weekend contact on a Friday night because of a change to work. (There is a court order that stipulates a 5pm pick up and has been in place for several years after endless unreasonable litigation from him) He now wants DS to catch bus (half hour trip plus crossing major rd and then a walk down a long pathway in a school) and go to a sports club before he arrives home from work which is quite a way down the motorway. I don't feel at all comfortable with this: I think he's too young; I think in the winter dark this feels even worse; I won't even know if he's arrived there since I'm not doing mobiles till secondary school and even if something went wrong I'm not nearby to sort it; ex-H may very likely get stuck on the motorway and not be there to collect him. Am happy to have a later pick up time from home before 7, stop the Friday night contact and/or drop him myself on a Saturday morning; but I don't have the flexibility to be able to drop him down there on a friday night myself. What do you all think? I know I'll get it in the neck and this will be viewed as me trying to be difficult when I have the conversation about this so would appreciate having some other input on this. Thanks all!

YANBU this arrangement would be out of the question for me , the sticking point being what if his Dad gets delayed by traffic which is hardly unusual especially on a friday night.

Why doesnt he want to come and pick him up from home later ?

I may have misunderstood but am I right in thinking that:

• Your ex husband can't pick him up at 5 any more
• he is the one who wants the 5pm contact and has gone to some trouble to get it (rather than you insisting your boy is in his care at 5)
• but now that he isnt free at 5pm any more, rather than pick the boy up later or make alternative arrangements for him he nevertheless wants the boy to leave you at 5 anyway and go on a bus to a sports club (does your son even want to do this?) even though he won't be able to see him for a couple of hours?

Am i reading too much into it, or is there a hint of "if I can't have him at 5, she's jolly well not going to have him for an extra couple of hours either" about this?

Doesn't sound like you're the unreasonable one, OP.

He either has to pay for childcare or pick him up later.

10 yrs old is too young to do what he is suggesting and its unnecessary, there are other options.

What time would your son arrive at sports club, OP, and what time would your ex-H expect to pick him up?

Does your DS want to do the sport, and how busy a club is it?

Presumably it's held in the school where you say he has to walk along the path in a school? Busy club? Lots of other people arriving at the same time? I'd probably be fine with this.

As a 10 year old in September, he's probably in year 6. This is a good age for 'training' DC to be out alone in preparation for independent travel to secondary. Expecting a 10 year old to be able to make a bus journey is entirely reasonable.

That leaves the busy road. Does it really have no crossings? A 10 year old should be able to cross over at a crossing. If there are none at all, then this is a reasonable concern.

The fall-back should his father be late is exactly the same as the fallbacks that he has when you are the one who collects him. There is no reason to think that someone who fought hard to get an arrangement that works for him (as demonstrated by years of reliable contact) is going to have made an arrangement he will find difficult.

YANBU
There are just too many things that could go wrong with this plan, busses delayed or cancelled due to bad weather, the club cancelled due to illness etc, your EX delayed by traffic hold ups, how would a lone ten year old cope with any of those situations? And more to the point, why should he have to?

Placing your child in a situation filled with potential difficulties cannot be in the best interests of the child, which is what should be paramount here. If your EX isn't prepared to negotiate, how difficult is it to alter the court order? Maybe tell your EX you are considering this?

At 10 years old? Absolutely not.

My 14 year old is just starting to travel further afield on buses and trains, but still always in a group and in day light.

I have 2 ds in their 20s. When they were aged between 12 and 18 they were mugged on public transport so many times I lost count. (I live in london). Even the day time bus to and from school wasn't safe.

YANBU and your ex is being selfish.

I have a 10yr old DS and would not be happy with the proposed arrangement.

Does your DS love spending time with his DF? If so I would be reasonable and offer a 7.30 pick up. However if DS is not fussed I would suggest he is collected on Saturday morning.

The dark nights will be upon us soon too.

YANBU. I wouldn't agree with this at all.

I have a 9yo who would technically be able to do this, but in reality he would panic and get lost or go the wrong way every single time.

I would be far happier with the simple arrangement where ex picks him up a bit later on, instead.

It's too complicated. Much too complicated. I'd definitely say no - good luck.

YANBU. I have a 10 year old DS. He is sensible and an independent sort. He goes to the park, walks to and from school and is rarely apprehensive about new situations.

However he would be far too young to do this by himself and it would scare him, not just now, but in the dark in winter.

As others have said your DS is not a parcel to be bundled up and pushed around at the will of your ex.

The arrangements have changed and therefore he has to change the time of pick up.

I realize I'm repeating a lot of what has been said already.

If your ex can no longer pick up at 5 the arrangements need to change. It is not fair for your son at 10 years old to be forced to undertake this journey to facilitate the arrangements your ex demands.

The whole point of contact time is for your son to spend time with the NRP. If he can't be there, he might as well be with you.

Am happy to have a later pick up time from home before 7, stop the Friday night contact and/or drop him myself on a Saturday morning; but I don't have the flexibility to be able to drop him down there on a friday night myself.

You are being perfectly reasonable here. I would simply tell your ex that these are his choices and you will not agree to unaccompanied journeys like that until your child is at least settled into secondary school and has developed some confidence doing journeys on his own.

If your ex wants to be an idiot and take you to court for the sake of two hours when he's not available for contact anyway, then let him.

Or you could suggest mediation as an cheaper alternative.

Either way, if he can't be there to facilitate contact, what's the point - except to take your son away from you for a couple of hours simply for the sake of it.

I'm all for independent DCs but I'd not be happy with this.

You should be having to think about this. If ex's routine has changed it is his responsibility to make alternative arrangements.

Thanks. Loads of good suggestions here. Mediation is a no for me Olgaga I'm afraid. It's been a terrible source of bullying for me and part of my ex's issue has always been attempting to get more contact with me .... Awful. Anyway, very interesting point made about what time the sports club finishes...because obviously if he was intending to pick him up from there - then I can work out what time he could 'of course' get to my house for a later pick up :-) hadn't thought of that! Thanks all. Ps does anyone know how you vary a court order formally ? I guess whatever we finally agree might be best recorded but maybe not if it involves anything protracted or expensive. I think it currently says something like 'to include any changes as agreed by the parties'..