to think there's no point in being a SAHM if you're just going to do housework all day?

[CailinDana]

A friend of mine gave up a very responsible job to stay at home with her two young children on the understanding that it was the best option for them. She has great energy and get up and go but seems to see her role as housekeeper rather than childcare provider and spends hours upon hours every day cooking, cleaning, cleaning again and then cleaning some more. She goes to two groups in the week and that's it. Other than that the children (3 and 15 months) occupy themselves in the garden or watch tv.

Lately the 3 year old has started playing up. The friend asked me to take her to a group I go to regularly with my DS as her behaviour is "stopping [friend] getting housework done." That seems to be my friend's main concern, all the time. I have hinted that perhaps the 3 year old is bored and wants some attention. But no, in my friend's mind a SAHM must have a perfect house at all times, bake daily, make magnificent meals from scratch and look immaculate. I sometimes feel like saying "why don't you just go back to work?" I feel like the constant cleaning is a waste of her time and energy and that the children would have a better time at nursery/a CM and everyone would be happier. But friend is convinced that staying at home is for the best.

AIBU to think that yes, a SAHM should do some housework to keep the house from descending into a tip, but if you're going to spend your entire day on housework there's not much point in being home with the children?

I also think that if you are spending mire than 1-2 hours a day on housework and laundry you need to examine your life. I run an extended family of 7 and a five bedroomed house on less than that.

OP, clearly your friend needs more MN in her life to distract her

Agree Boffin! Hell, I need a daily airing

YANBU, OP.

I can't imagine having let mine entertain themselves so much at that age - mainly because they wouldn't have let me. Later on, when they become more capable of sustained independent play, then by all means they can and indeed should be encouraged to play by themselves for increasing amounts of time. But at that age they need a lot of interaction. It's not necessarily about playdoh or toddler groups either. I didn't take mine to groups, by and large. But we spent a lot of time out and about, at the botanical gardens, parks, the local city farm, the duck pond, museums, the odd visit to a child-friendly cafe. The little one in the sling or buggy, the big one walking. (Mine have a similar age gap to these). Am 100% with Boffin on this. Even now - they're 7 and 5, so obv no longer at home with me all day - we get out and about as much as we can, while still taking account of the need for them to chill at home. It seems to me a terrible shame to have so much time theoretically available to explore the world with your children and to spend it cleaning instead. Cleaning in this house happens to keep things hygienic and vaguely orderly. Not as a value in itself.

Iggly that poem made me cry!

Yanbu to be concerned about the amount of housework she undertakes but she may not tell you the truth about her daily routine, for example of she's on top f the housework cleaning the house from top to bottom should only take a few hours in the morning max
Also perhaps her DH seems relaxed about the house to you because it's always clean but his reaction may be different of he came home to a messy house and no food ready and perhaps this is why she is the way she is
However YABU to judge her DDs behaviour on our friends routine , my ds is 3 I take him to the same number of playgroups, outings etc as I did last year but there is a difference in his behaviour, children change as they learn and 3 seems t be the difficult age , if I had a bigge garden I woul probably stay at home more but as it happens I don't so do take ds out a lot
All this is speculative of course because unless you are there all day every day then you don't really know what goes on , if you don't want to continue the friendship then don't if you do offer your support, as someone suggested up thread say yes to taking her dd and let her do a bundle of your ironing

OP- your friend sounds like my mum, and all of my friends mums in the 70s/80s. Completely the norm for mums to get on with housework whilst dcs played, and to be sent outside ( often for the whole day!) so we weren't under foot!

Its only relatively recently that there has been so much hand wringing about entertaining/ quality time.

However, anyone who washes bedding EVERY day is bonkers IMO.

You do need 'to bite the bullet' and speak to her.

Or in other words, actually be a friend to her and her children, there will be a reason 'why' behind it.

However, anyone who washes bedding EVERY day is bonkers IMO.

And doesn't care about the environment.

When I was floundering around in the depths of postnatal depression, my house was spotless. From the day my husband went back to work, he never came home to find me less than perfectly done up, dinner on table, house immacualte, baby looked after.

It was the only thing I could control. It stopped me dealing with the fact I was now a mother. But I know I didnt give my son enough time just for cuddles...I was so restless and stressed.

your friend can´t be happy, she is putting herself under too much pressure and, like me, not spending enough time with her kids. Speak to her.

I think if you enjoy cooking you could easily spend several hours a day just on cooking and baking tbh.

""Doing things" is only a minor part of life"

??

:o

What?

A Thing.

I'm not sure she's depressed, although it is hard to tell. She does seem to see the children as an annoyance. She is kind to them, mostly, but complains a lot about them getting in the way, as though her main job is to look after the house and they're just a hindrance to that. Again, it makes me wonder why she's at home at all - surely the house doesn't really need that sort of attention (and she could easily afford a cleaner anyway) and her children would have the same or better fun at a nursery/CM? I just struggle to see the point in giving up work to endlessly do housework. I know that's partly because I hate housework and can't be arsed with it myself, but I also think that it's a bit unfair on the children that they're made to fell they're in the way. Surely housework doesn't trump the children's needs?

OP- your friend sounds like my mum, and all of my friends mums in the 70s/80s. Completely the norm for mums to get on with housework whilst dcs played, and to be sent outside ( often for the whole day!) so we weren't under foot!

Not at 1 and 3 they need a fair bit of supervision then not normal to be expected to just sit and watch tv while she cleans up.