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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there's no point in being a SAHM if you're just going to do housework all day?

115 replies

CailinDana · 07/09/2012 15:25

A friend of mine gave up a very responsible job to stay at home with her two young children on the understanding that it was the best option for them. She has great energy and get up and go but seems to see her role as housekeeper rather than childcare provider and spends hours upon hours every day cooking, cleaning, cleaning again and then cleaning some more. She goes to two groups in the week and that's it. Other than that the children (3 and 15 months) occupy themselves in the garden or watch tv.

Lately the 3 year old has started playing up. The friend asked me to take her to a group I go to regularly with my DS as her behaviour is "stopping [friend] getting housework done." That seems to be my friend's main concern, all the time. I have hinted that perhaps the 3 year old is bored and wants some attention. But no, in my friend's mind a SAHM must have a perfect house at all times, bake daily, make magnificent meals from scratch and look immaculate. I sometimes feel like saying "why don't you just go back to work?" I feel like the constant cleaning is a waste of her time and energy and that the children would have a better time at nursery/a CM and everyone would be happier. But friend is convinced that staying at home is for the best.

AIBU to think that yes, a SAHM should do some housework to keep the house from descending into a tip, but if you're going to spend your entire day on housework there's not much point in being home with the children?

OP posts:
whiteandyelloworchid · 07/09/2012 16:44

she needs to get a cleaner.

can't see how you could actually spend all that time doing chores even if you really wanted to.

does she create mess just to clean it up or something?

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 16:46

But what if it doesn't suit her family Worra? Or her really, for that matter?

It seems it does suit her and her family

However it doesn't seem to suit you

Ephiny · 07/09/2012 16:46

I don't see why it's any of your business either. There's no right or wrong way of being 'SAH', and different people will organise their day-to-day routine differently.

To me doing all that housework does sound like a waste of time, as personally I'm not houseproud and have no interest in that sort of thing. But I know it's more important to some people, and it's not for me to say how another adult should spend their own time in their own home!

And surely a 3 year old 'playing up' is fairly normal - I've yet to hear of one who behaves perfectly at all times!

If you don't want to take her child to the group, just politely say no/make an excuse not to.

DizzyKipper · 07/09/2012 16:50

Have read your OP and further posts and you do sound genuinely concerned for your friend. Whether you're right or not I think the best thing to do would be to have this discussion with your friend. Maybe it will be like other posters have said and she really is happy this way, but until you discuss it I bet it will continue to bug and concern you - best to get it off your chest.

DizzyKipper · 07/09/2012 16:52

Oh and I also agree with Fairylea .

Margerykemp · 07/09/2012 16:53

Where is her DP in all this OP?

afussyphase · 07/09/2012 16:55

I agree with Dizzy, if it was me I'd want concerned friends to be able to talk to me about it! And having DC with behaviour issues won't do anyone any favours least of all the child. It seems that she's opening the door to the discussion at least, by asking you to take her child to an additional group.

tiggytape · 07/09/2012 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 16:59

The OP can always say something to her friend about everything that's bothering her about her life, then it'd be up to the friend whether she wanted contact with someone who was so concerned about how much she spends doing her housework with her normally behaved 3 YO.

I just can't believe somebody would be so worried about someone who's actually baking and cleaning when they feel like it.

Sounds a bit odd.

ethelb · 07/09/2012 17:03

its her business.

Plus isn't htis what stay at home mums used to do? Clean all day and leave kids to their own devices.

Plus doesn't children's behaviour deteriorate at 3 anyway?

theoriginalandbestrookie · 07/09/2012 17:05

This reminds me of a recent thread where the OP clearly had a cleaning obsession but was unwilling to accept the case even when people pointed out the clear evidence of how many hours she was spending doing this.

It is sad that you feel her DD isn't getting the attention she needs - my mum was a paedietrician (sp?) and did a lot of home visits to children with developmental delays. She said her heart sank when she went into pristine houses with not a book or toy in sight as invariably it meant that the child wasn't getting any attention and that's why they weren't learning to talk or reach developmental milestones.

I'm not sure what you can do, other than if you can bear it taking her DD to the play group. Maybe try it once and then if she is badly behaved would give you a lot more lee way to start a conversation about it, but its so sensitive I'm not sure how you could approach it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2012 17:24

Margery - I've only met her DH a few times but he seems like a nice guy. He works a lot and isn't around much but I get the impression he pulls his weight when he is around. The DD talks about him a lot - "When daddy gets home we'll go to the shop/read a book/do a jigsaw." She associates him with doing things I think. My friend has commented that her DH doesn't appreciate how hard she works, but I don't think he's critical as such, he just doesn't expect the house to be pristine.

As for what she does all day, I know this in great detail. Her normal day is something like this:
Wake up, bake bread/some sort of cake.
Get children and DH up for breakfast, usually something like waffles/pancakes/eggs and bacon - always cooked.
Clean the kitchen
Wash and dress the children
Strip the beds and put sheets on to wash (yes, every single day).
Hoover the upstairs
Clean the bathroom
Wash the windows/shelves/curtains (on a rotation)
Hang out the washing, put in the next load
Iron last lot of washing from last night
Make lunch
Serve lunch
Clean the kitchen
Make a cake/bread/dessert of some kind
Clean the kitchen
Take in washing, hang out next load
Ironing
Hoover the downstairs
Start the dinner
Serve the dinner
Clean the kitchen
And so on and on and on. Just hearing about her day is tiring.

Worra I think if a child who used to be well behaved is getting to the point where other parents won't let their children near them then something is definitely going on. It's not working in my view.

OP posts:
thixotropic · 07/09/2012 17:34

Think you are getting an unfair pasting op.

I really wish someone had told my mum to chill the fuck out with housework when I was a child. [Sad]

thixotropic · 07/09/2012 17:34

Fail with the sad face there.

diddl · 07/09/2012 17:36

"I'd never ignore them to do housework, but if someone pops round for a tea you can bet I'll use that oppertunity while the children chat to them for a min to fold some washing etc etc!!"

That would never have occurred to me at all!

Bonsoir · 07/09/2012 17:38

I would be concerned if a friend of mine was behaving the way the OP's friend is behaving and wonder what I could do to help her be more maternal and less houseproud. So, no, YANBU.

tiggytape · 07/09/2012 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 07/09/2012 17:42

yanbu

BUT, I think she can likely not relax in the home? If I want to bond with mine i often to have get out of the house

LOL at theoriginal!!!!!

I do have a neighbour that does FUCK with her kid, she would get up early for weightwatchers but would not haul her fat arse to baby group, and yes I judged her.

lakeofshiningwaters · 07/09/2012 17:44

I also think OP is getting a hard time. Yes, there's degrees of normal and although the friend's behaviour sounds excessive to me, I understand I might appear slovenly to others Grin

However, the comment about the dd getting in the way of the ironing does not sound normal to me. I would be worried about my friend too. Instead of agreeing to take the dd to the group, could you suggest to your friend that you all go to the park, or on an outing? Something to get her out of the house and away from the housework?

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2012 17:46

I have to admit I'm far from houseproud, so my view of housework is probably a bit skewed. To me, she seems to do far too much housework, the house is absolutely spotless at all times and the children are mostly in the garden (weather permitting) or on the couch watching tv so that they don't get in the way or make a mess.

OP posts:
Francagoestohollywood · 07/09/2012 17:52

I agree with Tiggy that the deterioration of your friend's DD might be caused by 1000 various reasons.
I also think that how much you clean is a personal choice.

But if you feel that your friend is struggling and is hiding behind housework, you really need to find a way to talk to her.

charlottehere · 07/09/2012 17:55

O Why is your model of SAHMdomness the right way? I take my 3 year old to 1 group a week at a push, she goes to nursery 3 days a week and occupies herself lots at home. I am a SAHM. Toddler groups etc are not tyhe pinical of good parenting.

charlottehere · 07/09/2012 17:57

And 3 IMVHO is a tricky age anyway.

GhostShip · 07/09/2012 17:58

What else is she supposed to do?

If she's not working she may as well sort all the other stuff out. Or would you rather she got a cleaner so she can be a lady of leisure..

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2012 18:03

No GhostShip, it's just my view that if you're going to stay at home with children, some of your time should be spent taking them places and interacting with them. There doesn't seem much point in giving up a well paid fulfilling job to clean the kitchen five times a day and leave the children fend for themselves.

Charlotte I only mentioned the groups because they are the only outings she does in the week. I don't think groups are the be all and end all by any means.

OP posts: