To be upset about my Dad offering...

[katykuns]

to sponsor me to lose weight?

I saw him a couple of weeks ago, he lives far away from me, so I see him a couple of times per year. I am very overweight and I have struggled to lose it, but am very slowly losing it since having my daughter in May. Today I received this:

Dear xxxxx,

I hope you won't be offended by this email, but I want to suggest a plan for you that might help you to lose weight. Please remember that I love you whatever happens, because you are very beautiful inside and out and a delightful daughter and mother.

How about if I sponsor you to lose weight? £100 to start the programme and then £100 for every half stone you lose. At the end I will send you and XXX on a holiday somewhere in the sun, so you can relax together and we will look after the children for you?

I have been on a diet that I can stick to.... for the last 4 weeks and have already lost a stone. It is specially designed for people who love food and it is do-able. Basically you eat what you like for 2 days and on the third day you have only 500 - 600 calories. We call it a starve day and it is quite hard to do at first, but you just think, never mind I'll have the take away tomorrow. We eat one slice of toast with a scraping of low fat spread for breakfast. 200 cals lunch at about 2pm, 200 cals tea at about 7pm and a packet of weight watchers crisps or 3 rich tea biscs at bedtime. On the eating days you have to make sure not to binge, but can still eat all the nice foods. You need to think about the calories in what you drink, so on starve days it has to be tea etc.. without milk or diet drinks and on the other days still sensible about drinks.

Please don't be hurt by my suggestion, I know how hard it is to keep weight under control and I'd like to try and help you be fitter and healthier.

Love Dad x

I am now feeling a bit upset and confused as to what to do. I am also having this image that they saw me the other week and remarked on how bad I looked weightwise.
However, I am also very tempted to say yes, as we need money, and I have a feeling that it may actually keep me on 'task'. And then I feel conflicted because I feel I shouldn't take their money, and that I should just lose weight because I want to be fit and healthy.

Basically I am just a fat idiot :/

I think his heart is in the right place and he wants to share his success with you. I can see how you'd feel hurt but why not take him up on it? Or at least talk about losing weight with them?

it is quite rude but comes from a good place. Maybe he wants to give you some money but thought you might refuse though thinks he's killing two birds with one stone?

Maybe reply with a breezy 'you cheeky bugger, but you are right - I could do with losing a bit' that is if you do? Do you think you are fat, could you lose some?

I think it was a very clumsy attempt to help you.

It may come from a loving place but yanbu to be upset.

You're not a fat idiot. It sounds like your dad is a bit evangelical about the diet he is on and is trying to show you that he cares about you, albeit in a not-very- tactful way.

I can understand that you're very upset though - I would be.

sorry - I see you say you do need to lose some.

I think it's really sweet. He loves you, and is concerned about you. Do it, and enjoy spending the money in your new skimpy bikini!

Oh christ :( I'd be seriously pissed off with that letter.

It seems like his intentions are good, but that is harsh.

Things to think about,

• if you agree to this, will he be keeping track of how fast (or not) you lose weight?
• will he pressurise you to use the tactic he described?

You're not an idiot.

I agree, this is classic 'heart in the right place'. My Mum often frets about my sister's weight and had she the money I think she'd be tempted to make a suggestion like this out of desperation. It'd probably go down like a lead balloon though!

I think peerie's suggestion is a good one, use this as a starting point for a dialogue with them where you can both work towards a mutually acceptable arrangement that you're comfortable with.

I can see that you may have found it upsetting but I think he sounds genuinely lovely and very caring . Good luck with your weight loss .

I still think about my Dad making a comment on my weight years ago (I was overweight, but still). It still hurts now. He is a lovely man but really insensitive, he just doesn't get it.

If you want to lose, though, take his money

I think it was a really lovely letter that your dad sent (though do have some misgivings about you publishing something he probably meant to be private, but that's not really the point). Maybe your dad has just suggested this because he knows you? You've said yourself that it may actually help you to succeed, maybe he's realised that and just wants to help in any way he can? Going by how he sounded in the letter I doubt he would have been saying how bad you look to anyone, though obviously I don't know him.

So is it more important to lose the weight and achieve a level of health that you otherwise probably wouldn't manage without this financial incentive, or is it more important to you to hold onto your pride and to not accept the money even if it means you may not succeed? Tis your call.

YANBU. I would be insulted by that email. Also if I were you and I decided to lose weight I would hate to feel my dad was monitoring my progress like that.

Also the diet he is suggesting sounds really, really unhealthy. I would be very wary of a diet where you eat hardly anything for a day then reward yourself with a takeaway! That really sounds nuts.

I think he means well, but your dad's diet sounds bonkers.

You'd be much more likely to succeed doing something you can actually keep up. I think he's sweet of him to sponsor you though, and the thought of a holiday would definitely motivate me!

The 5:2 diet has had a lot of press recently - lots of research has gone into it and it seems to work. Article on Radio 4 the other day, and have read about it in paper. Some well qualified experts have backed it.

Don't be angry with your dad. he clearly adores you and is worried about you.

I agree he's not gone about it in a very sensible way but, equally, it must have taken a lot of courage for him to write the letter in the first place.

He's a parent who loves you and wants you to live a long and happy life - remember that.

The diet he suggests sounds dreadful. The suggestion about giving you £100 per 1/2 stone lost sounds like he is worried about about your weight and your finances and thought he'd hit on a "great" plan to help you with both. It is a bit upsetting for you (and he acknowledges that) but if you would genuinely lose weight perhaps this actually might work? I've lost weight with a friend before and it really helped having to say to her each week whether I'd lost, gained or stayed the same. Sometimes a bit out of outside input can be really helpful and stop you losing focus if you want to lose weight.

I think his intentions are good.....how overweight are you?

If my DS was to become overweight I would encourage him all I could to lose weight, would you rather he didnt care?

I would have been a bit upset too but I would take his money. If you look on in the club big/slim/whatever bit in topics there are details of the 5:2 diet plan. Sorry I can't link. It is supposed to be really healthy. I tried it but prefer slimming world!

YAB sort of U, it's clear he loves you, it's clear he's worried, it's clear to me that it's not a "get thin to look pretty" attempt but a concerned parent for your happiness and health.

I hesitate to guess this but are you at obese therefore a health issue stage rather than just a bit overweight?

It's hard when you are big (I'm currently obese after DD2 have had some issues) every mention of weight hurts, you are defensive and sensitive but you have to step away from they and look at the intention. My mother "encourages" me but then (like your dad says in his letter) she also has weight issues and knows how hard it is. She blames herself for her children's food issues could he be doing the same and trying to make up for early failings??

I definitely want to lose the weight... but everytime I start any kind of diet, I become so obsessed with food and I can think is about what I want to eat (whether hungry or not) and binge. Instead, I had been adding small amounts of exercise in my week, and cut down on the amount of snacks I have been eating. I was trying to do it in small steps and as laid back as possible, so not to freak myself out.

I agree with what people have said about his diet. I don't want to try a diet that involves starving yourself, and I would be worried he would put pressure on me to try it. I think mucking around with your metabolism can never be good, and I also think I would just binge after the 'starve day'.

Thanks for all your replies. If you were in a similar situation... would you say yes?

TBH I would snap his hand off. I think that although the immediate reaction is to be offended, if you look at what he's actually offered you and what you could gain from it, it's a very thoughtful offer. Plus there's no minimum loss to get the holiday. You could just lose half a stone!

btw I would do WW and not the diet he suggests. It's a much better long term weightloss plan