To be upset about my Dad offering...

[katykuns]

to sponsor me to lose weight?

I saw him a couple of weeks ago, he lives far away from me, so I see him a couple of times per year. I am very overweight and I have struggled to lose it, but am very slowly losing it since having my daughter in May. Today I received this:

Dear xxxxx,

I hope you won't be offended by this email, but I want to suggest a plan for you that might help you to lose weight. Please remember that I love you whatever happens, because you are very beautiful inside and out and a delightful daughter and mother.

How about if I sponsor you to lose weight? £100 to start the programme and then £100 for every half stone you lose. At the end I will send you and XXX on a holiday somewhere in the sun, so you can relax together and we will look after the children for you?

I have been on a diet that I can stick to.... for the last 4 weeks and have already lost a stone. It is specially designed for people who love food and it is do-able. Basically you eat what you like for 2 days and on the third day you have only 500 - 600 calories. We call it a starve day and it is quite hard to do at first, but you just think, never mind I'll have the take away tomorrow. We eat one slice of toast with a scraping of low fat spread for breakfast. 200 cals lunch at about 2pm, 200 cals tea at about 7pm and a packet of weight watchers crisps or 3 rich tea biscs at bedtime. On the eating days you have to make sure not to binge, but can still eat all the nice foods. You need to think about the calories in what you drink, so on starve days it has to be tea etc.. without milk or diet drinks and on the other days still sensible about drinks.

Please don't be hurt by my suggestion, I know how hard it is to keep weight under control and I'd like to try and help you be fitter and healthier.

Love Dad x

I am now feeling a bit upset and confused as to what to do. I am also having this image that they saw me the other week and remarked on how bad I looked weightwise.
However, I am also very tempted to say yes, as we need money, and I have a feeling that it may actually keep me on 'task'. And then I feel conflicted because I feel I shouldn't take their money, and that I should just lose weight because I want to be fit and healthy.

Basically I am just a fat idiot :/

Haha Balloonslayer, I like you're thinking ;)

I think I will take him up on it, but be very sure he wants to do it first. I'd hate for it to be a lovely idea, I go 'oh yes!' and then he thinks it through realistically and then feels stuck!
I am sitting here with the reply open feeling a bit 'how the hell do I say this?' :S

This is all very dramatic, this diet works, that diet sounds awful. Different things work for different people at different stages. I'm doing the 5:2 and it's fine. I don't "binge" on the days off. But I started doing it when low-carbing (which was the really dramatic stage) stopped working, to trim off the final 4/5 lbs, I can't imagine it would be easy to go straight from over-eating like I used to onto 5:2.

well this is my take on it- and I've struggled with my weight all my life.

For me (and maybe your dad) it's now not just about how I look/feel - it's a health issue too.
I think now I'm getting older (well, I'm 42, not that old) I have become more and more aware of how my weight affects my body, how i heal etc. I damaged my achilles tendon almost 2 years ago,and it has still not healed properly, same with my sacro-iliac joint, and i'm sure being overweight doesn't help. My blood pressure is higher than it should be, and more and more my motivation is being alive to see the kids grow up and for them to have their mummy rather than just fitting into that nice top.
So maybe your dad has had similar (small but significant) health worries and now he's dieting he feels better.
I'd do it, he sounds so lovely, especially the bit about loving you whatever happens!

My Dad has had 2 heart attacks in the past, it was a while ago, and he got a lot of the weight off then... but has slowly gained some of it back.

I am totally with you on the how long to heal point. I slipped over on the ice and hurt my knee badly 2 years ago, and partly due to the weight, and partly due to the job I was in... it hasn't healed well. It aches slightly going upstairs, and I have noticed as my weight has got worse that its getting worse.
I am totally in the mind of wanting to lose it for health reasons. My DP has seen me at my worst weight and still loves me/finds me attractive. Looking good is good for me, but its not what will make me lose weight I don't think ...

I think he sounds lovely - he's obviously taken on board that it's a senitive issue and made it clear he loves you whatever you weigh. I'm sure you can pick whatever healthy eating plan you want to (I rate SW but have seen lots of publicity about the 5:2 diet recently) and you have some great incenctives to treat yourself to a new wardrobe and a lovely holiday. I'm sure he only has your best interests at heart.

It'd be different if you didn't want or feel you needed to lose the weight and he was just sticking his beak in, but clearly you are already wanting to lose it and so extra motivation can only be a positive?

sensitive - doh

incentives - any more?

I think thats a really nice letter, from someone who not only cares about your health, but also wants to send you and your children on holiday. It contains only positive, lovely comments.
I mean, yeah, it says you are overweight, but you knew that.

I'd be delighted if someone cared enough about me to do such a thing. I don't see anything at all to be offended about.

As he knew you wanted to lose weight and he worded it well I think it's OK. The 5:2 diet seems to have some scientific basis. I'm doing my second 'fast' day and it's not as bad as you'd think. I mean I feel hungry but no more than a normal diet.

Here's a blog about someone doing the 5:2 www.tinnedtomatoes.com/2012/08/52-diet.html#.UEjHgbJlT8n

Hope you get healthier whatever you decide to do.

I have been on the receiving end of letters like your Dad's lette (though sadly not as nicely put and with no cash incentive). I was so angry that I couldn't read it (my DH read it and said that I shouldn't) an to be honest it has permanently damaged the way I feel about my parents and, more particularly, my mum.

Recently I have successfully lost a bit I weight, but through my own decision and at a time when noone else was mentioning it.

By all means start with this and I wish you the very best of luck. But please be realistic that it won't work unless YOU want to do it for YOU and no one else.

Good luck.

katy I don't think that you have to think 'I need to get back to the weight I was when I was eg 23' I think you have to say to yourself I would like to be x stone and then aim for it.

I think you just have to almost start afresh with no preconceptions about what you will look like at the end. I have done that as I have to accept that I will likely never be 9 stone which is what I was aged 20, and reset my expectations to more realistic ones.

There's quite a few of us doing the 5:2 diet but I won't link to the thread as I don't want to put you under pressure. The key thing is finding what works for you. Your Dad means well but he was a subtle as a flying house brick. Only take up his offer if you think it will help you, if it will put you under pressure and make you resentful then trust yourself to find the right way for you.

I agree with whatyoulookinat it is a letter from a concerned, loving, generous father who is trying to help.

Yes it will always smart a bit when weight is acknowledged as an issue, I don't blame you for feeling sensitive, but seriously I would take him up on his offer!!

Just make sure you lay down ground rules beforehand! Like you will tell him your weight once a month, you will do it your way, whatever you need to keep the boundary and still feel like an adult in charge of this rather than a child being bossed by dad.

A free holiday with loving childcare for your kids? I can see why your DH is going DOOOOOO IT!!!!!

I think it comes from the right place but he's gone about it in a bad way.

I wouldn't do it. I woukld graciously thank him for his concern but go about it my own way. In my experience you only ever lose weight because you want to, not because you think you should.

Fwiw I use My Fitness Pal and have found it brilliant. It isn't a diet, it's a tool to help you live a healthier, more active lifestyle (I do not believe in diets). It's free, which is another bonus as even if it doesn't work for you it's cost you nothing but time.

I'd be delighted with an offer like this, but then I really know I need to lose weight again and know how amazingly better I feel when i do - it's easy to get evangelical about it.

I would go for it, but do something like weightwathcers or slimming word rather than this faddy diet. then you have other support and guidance as well as the back up and motivation from your dad.

lubey its not a faddy diet there is quite a lot of hard science behind it including breast cancer research. Check the Genesis Intermittent diet for more info.

I've been thinking I probably shouldn't have posted my own diet experience here, actually. Really don't want to add to the pressure on the OP.

But what I was trying to say was we should all stop judging this or that diet, and decreeing what is and isn't a fad in our opinion. If the OP wants to try any sort of diet, she's quite capable of looking stuff up and working out what might suit her, which may or may not be what her dad suggests.

If he's offering the money AND the holiday, and it feels like a bit much, perhaps you could ask him to make a charitable contribution for each XX you lose instead (but I'd still take the holiday!)

I know someone who had about 6 stone to lose and he decided to do it for charity (with his doctor supervising it). He had a weigh-in every month in work, and raised thousands. Not saying you should go as public as he did, but maybe knowing that a charity you care about is making money off the back of your efforts might be a motivator?

I would echo the other posters about keeping control of when you weigh-in, choosing a plan that suits you, and asking him not to nag you - personally I have found that the more I feel I 'should' be doing something (i.e. to please someone else) the more I go into Kevin the teenager mode and want to do the opposite.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I can understand that seeing that written down must come as a bit of a shock, but really I think it's a lovely letter and a very generous off made purely from a place of love and concern btw I am 17 stone and have my olds on my back for me to lose weight too!.

In your shoes I would go for it, providing he was happy for me to follow a diet of my choosing - I don't think his plan is healthy or sustainable in the long term.

FWIW Slimming World has always been my preference club-wise but I'd really recommend the GI diet from a regular, consistent healthy eating POV.

I think it's a beautiful letter and I think he's thought hard about what to say, desperately knowing that there's a risk he might hurt you but thinking it's important to say. In fact I reckon the diet specifics are partly to show that you're in it together.

At the same time I know it's really horrible to hear. Take the deal. Anything that works for you - and the kids-free holiday sounds fantastic. That would be a brilliant motivator for me!

Ker-ching! Do it. The letter was lovely. Do whatever diet you like, but I am on 5:2 and I have lost a stone in a month as well. Have a lookat the 5:2 thread in big/slim/whatever forum. Xx

Katy, it's a sensitive subject for you but your Dad sounds lovely (I felt a little choked up when I read his letter) and I think you should accept his offer. But choose a diet that suits you. I also think your DP is right about addressing the psychological reasons for your eating habits as dealing with those will lay strong foundations for loosing, and keeping off, the weight.

katy
Based on what you posted about your Dad's health I saw his letter in a slightly different (even better) light.

I think some of the underlying message may be "don't be a fool like me and wait until you have two heart attacks before looking after yourself". Your Dad learnt the hard way that his weight was dangerous for his health and he is trying to protect you from that. I think he cares very deeply about you.

I agree his just wants to help but hasn't done it in the best way. I'd feel very hurt and embarrassed too.
I really struggle with emotional eating and have just started the Hay diet (food combining) Day 5 and 3lb down! Basically its about not eating carbs with protein so no real counting of points/calories etc. They recommend using real butter! The other main thing is not eating fruit after a meal but eat it before or as a snack. Really helps with digestion and energy levels.

I would be hells yes dad! Awesome!!!!! And use the money on diet chef lol