To be upset about my Dad offering...

[katykuns]

to sponsor me to lose weight?

I saw him a couple of weeks ago, he lives far away from me, so I see him a couple of times per year. I am very overweight and I have struggled to lose it, but am very slowly losing it since having my daughter in May. Today I received this:

Dear xxxxx,

I hope you won't be offended by this email, but I want to suggest a plan for you that might help you to lose weight. Please remember that I love you whatever happens, because you are very beautiful inside and out and a delightful daughter and mother.

How about if I sponsor you to lose weight? £100 to start the programme and then £100 for every half stone you lose. At the end I will send you and XXX on a holiday somewhere in the sun, so you can relax together and we will look after the children for you?

I have been on a diet that I can stick to.... for the last 4 weeks and have already lost a stone. It is specially designed for people who love food and it is do-able. Basically you eat what you like for 2 days and on the third day you have only 500 - 600 calories. We call it a starve day and it is quite hard to do at first, but you just think, never mind I'll have the take away tomorrow. We eat one slice of toast with a scraping of low fat spread for breakfast. 200 cals lunch at about 2pm, 200 cals tea at about 7pm and a packet of weight watchers crisps or 3 rich tea biscs at bedtime. On the eating days you have to make sure not to binge, but can still eat all the nice foods. You need to think about the calories in what you drink, so on starve days it has to be tea etc.. without milk or diet drinks and on the other days still sensible about drinks.

Please don't be hurt by my suggestion, I know how hard it is to keep weight under control and I'd like to try and help you be fitter and healthier.

Love Dad x

I am now feeling a bit upset and confused as to what to do. I am also having this image that they saw me the other week and remarked on how bad I looked weightwise.
However, I am also very tempted to say yes, as we need money, and I have a feeling that it may actually keep me on 'task'. And then I feel conflicted because I feel I shouldn't take their money, and that I should just lose weight because I want to be fit and healthy.

Basically I am just a fat idiot :/

I'd snap his hand off tbh!!!

Fucking hell, I'd send it right back to him! Nothing worse than a born again dieter, almost as bad as a smug reformed smoker. I would tell him I would do it in my own time but would love the holiday anyway as what he is suggesting may come from a good place but is basically emotional black mail!

That sounds like something my parents would do.

In a similar situation, I'd probably say yes but it would be on condition that they don't get to have a say in how I lose the weight. You also need to be sure that any weigh-ins/evidence etc. are liveable with.

I admit I would be initially offended if I was sent this, it is very interfering and rude on your dad's part - but then would probably be excited by the motivation.

£100 every time I lose 7 pounds? And a holiday at the end? When I want to lose weight any? Fuck yes.

i think it's a fairly considered letter, emphasis on fitter and healthier rather than appearance. But then i'm very much of the opinion if your family can't bring this sort of thing up who can?

Of course if you're actually a size 14 then it's a bit different

Dh has an aunt who is doing this diet. Don't do it.

I would just accept that he's coming from a place of love,even if it does seem a bit rude!

If you want to lose weight, then do so healthily, and take his money! He's you Dad, he just loves you and is trying to 'help'.

I am sensitive and a bit defensive about the weight. I am 20 stone, and utterly ashamed of myself, but the more I feel worse, the more I eat. I am pretty much the definition of a comfort eater.

No one knows how overweight I am except my DP. I wonder if he would still be up to paying me to lose weight if he knew how much he would be paying to get me down to a healthy weight lol.

I feel very strange about accepting, like telling him all the details, him checking in with me about what I have lost... but perhaps it will be a positive thing, as I can't give up and hide (and eat)

OP I need to lose 3 stone and so yes in your position I would say yes. Have you ever tried WW? It is the only thing which works for me (when I stick to it that is!)

I remember years ago just after I had had DS1 and was about 5 stone over weight I was talking to a friend, who is known for being blunt, about starting WW and saying that I'd always thought it was just for fat people. Her response was 'and your point is?'

At the time I was offended, but after some thought I realised that I had just been kidding myself that I wasn't actually fat. I was fat and I needed to start to address it.

Please remember that I love you whatever happens, because you are very beautiful inside and out and a delightful daughter and mother

He wrote that ^
And he said please don't be offended!
My father has never said anything as nice as that to me.
Please don't take offense, he cares about you.

As for whether you take up his offer or not, that's up to you. Maybe choose your own way of eating more healthily.

katy he clearly loves you, maybe he put it in a clumsy way, but have a chat with him.
My XH said to my dd "you are a fat twat and you need to get off your lazy arse" he was rude and hateful.
Now he's the sad and lonely one

Honestly - no way would I accept anything like this, I can't believe so many people would!

YABU. Lose the weight and take the money and free holiday!

I would take him up on it tbh.

Fwiw I found slimming world pretty easy.

No, I wouldn't accept the offer but I would acknowledge it, thank him for his concern but say that you have to do it your way and in your own time.

Oh and Katy, you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

I just looked at your profile picture and I think you look beautiful

valium I think that it's just about facing up to the fact if you do need to lose weight and not hiding behind being spiky and offended. That helps no one. I was not comfortable at 5 stone over weight and was unhappy and so imagine the OP feels the same. But it is difficult to admit it and them take proper steps to address it.

I can understand why you're hurt. No-one likes to think that other people think they are too fat, even if they know they are and I say that as someone who needs to lose 4 stone.

But, I think it is very kindly worded, and brave of him to stick his neck out knowing that he risks upsetting you, in order to try and help you. He wants to help in an actual practical way rather than some parents who would just make unhelpful comments.

However, I personally wouldn't be able to take the money, despite how much we need it because I couldn't bear for my parents to pay me to lose weight. But maybe the fact that they are concerned for you might help give you the impetus, if you want to lose weight anyway?

BTW, my parents have been having little 'caring' chats with me for years about my weight.
I called mum's bluff last year - suggest we join WWers online together. I'm 4.5 stone lighter and she gave up about 4 weeks into it. Ha! Ner ner ner ner ner [mature emoticon].

I was in the reverse position with my mum recently, but it was only when she said (for the 100th time) I really must lose x stone by x date that I said, "If you really, really want to I can lend you these books, they worked for me" and she said ok. Which was just about ok I think, but I did feel a bit borderline doing that. I haven't asked her how she's getting on with it, I'm too embarrassed.

It is hard not to be evangelical. He's probably just not thinking. It's all sunny uplands when you realise a diet is working, and you suddenly think "Hey! This could work for x! They don't have to struggle with it any more!" Which is possibly true, but not everyone finds the same kind of stuff easy.

my parents just say stuff like 'oh you're still fat aren't you, haven't lost the baby weight yet' etc. That kind of thing. Which is nice. I wish they would give me cash and a holiday instead.

I think I would be a bit offended too.

I would also not be happy about one of those starve-one-day-eat-normally-another diets.

However, if you are planning to try to lose weight anyway you could swallow your pride and take him up on it, but do it your own way. And you could tell him you are 22 stone and that's 500 quid in the bank straight away

I personally would do it as long as a knew the parent would be "hands off" if he's the type to be in your face and make you feel bad about slow loss then no don't but if you can be honest with him and feel comfortable then it could be the motivator you need.

The cycle of feeling shit and eating more is the killer, it's psychological and the very thing that puts you in this position is the thing that makes you "happy" for a short period, it's also not like giving up an addiction as there is no cold turkey you have to eat (and I say that as an ex smoker!).

I lost all my weight one time, kept it off for about 3 years I was motivated by my wedding and a holiday, the change in mind set to have something happy and positive to look forward to so you can ignore the bad feelings of dieting and removal of your comfort is powerful. I only put back on after a missed MC. Don't underestimate the power of the mind in this, if your comfort (eating) is to be turned into your enemy (dieting) then you need a new positive energy (the holiday).

Thank you Nancy :)

FunnysInLaJardin - I have been similar. It's amazing how good we are at deceiving ourselves with regard to weight. Part of the problem is that I gained a lot of weight as a teenager, I don't even have the option to compare what I used to look like with what I do now, and have that 'I want to go back to that!' as I was 12/13!

My DP thinks the only thing that will help is to address the psychological reasons behind why I am over-eating... so he is naturally very skeptical, but is also going 'do it! moneyyyy!' lol.

I seem to recall that one of the most effective ways to get people to lose weight/stop smoking/whatever, is to give them money to do it. Because the 'rewards' of doing the virtuous thing are a bit vague and in the future, whereas converting it into a reward in your pocket today is an actual real motivating thing.

So your dad may have inadvertently found a really good way for you to lose weight. Not the binge/starve thing, that's just madness and no way to retrain your body into healthy eating habits.

FWIW I have a fair bit to lose and am trying much the same as you; cutting down on snacks/puddings/beer, moving a bit more etc. No idea if it's working though as I have no scales . Will have to use the jeans test...