To think that red hair on a 14yo isn't a discipline issue?

[GilbGeekette]

14 yo DD (just starting Year 10) has just been sent home from school on her first day for having "too bright" hair. Her hair is dyed auburn/red (having had it neon pink all summer) in accordance with, I thought, school policy of dyed hair having to fall into the spectrum of 'natural' hair colour. Her HoY rang me (apologetically, it must be said) and I accepted (even though I disagree) that they weren't happy with the colour, and said I would re-dye it tonight. This wasn't good enough, and I was given a choice between her spending the day in the 'isolation room' (with no set work) or her coming home and me re-dying it now. I've taken the latter option, as I'm a SAHM - if I was working this wouldn't have been an option.

I'm accepting (ish) of the school thinking that her hair isn't a reasonable colour, but AIBU in thinking that verbal assurances from me that it would be rectified by tomorrow morning should be enough? Fwiw, there are no discipline/behavioural issues with DD and school, (quite the contrary - they've always been extremely positive about her) and until now I thought that we'd all had a good relationship...

Well done school nice to see educators excersing some disapline

IF SHE WERE WORKING IN MANY JOBS SHE WOULD BE SENT home good training

You most likey new it would cause a issue but you sent her in like it any way

Moral of the story dont blinking dye her hair very simple

Well done school

I really dome see a problem with hair colour, it doesn't stop the child from learning!

I am fully expecting to have similar on Monday from my ds school, he is at a school that prides itself on treating everybody as an individual but on the last day of term his class teacher told me he "he has to have his hair cut over the holidays and I have told him to have atleast 4inches cut, xxxxx has agreed to this. It is too long for a boy". So I smile and leave, I ask ds if he wants his hair cut, to which he replied no I like it the way it is. So it hasn't been cut. His school is a special school (private) and he has ASD and massive sensory issues, one thing that causes him stress is anything to do with his hair, so brushing and washing (although we have found a way round this now) and the hairdressers cutting his hair causes him physical pain and lots of distress. I Am fully expecting a telling off on Monday. It is only just past to top of his shoulders as it is curly, if it was straight it would probably be in the middle of his back.

To all the people that think uniform policy is harsh, don't send your kids to a school that has a strict policy or home school them.
lots of Work places have dress codes as well. Its life.
OP if you knew this would happen then yabu. Very. And I can see why the didn't take you assurances, given that you went against policy in the first place.

I was one of the worst in my school for pushing and flouting the rules, but I can see the point in schools expecting a certain level of appearance. School is for learning, not a fashion parade, and it also teaches teenagers that in most workplaces, you have to conform to what the employer requests, because they are the ones that decide to give you the job and pay your wages, so by going along with that in school, it gives them some experience of what might be expected when they leave and have to get work.

I was in London yesterday and was very suprised to see a policeman, sleeves rolled up, with a full arm sleeve of tattoos. It didnt look professional and in my opinion would be better kept covered up.

And I am not some old fashioned middle aged frump. I have a shaved undercut on my hair (which I can disguise if I am seeing business clients), I have tattoos, (which I can cover if needs be), and if I am not in work clothes, I am certainly not dressed conservatively, but I do believe that it is important for teens to understand that people will judge you on your appearance, and one of lifes most important lessons is being able to gauge it correctly for the situation.

You may think to yourself that having bright pink hair is your own choice, and yes it is and no, it doesnt mean you are less capable of doing a job, but if it means the person who decides whether to employ you or not may think otherwise, then it pays to use a bit of common sense.

I would support the school I'd chosen to send my DC to though in its rules (as the OP has done) so to me the most interesting bit is about today in particular - should they have sent her home or kept her in isolation?

I fail to believe she would be sent home from many jobs because of her hair colour. Seriously- what jobs are these?

EdMcDunnough

I think it's important to do what they are told if it is, well, important.

And who's to judge what's important?

Yes of course within reason, rules ought to be respected but I think if they are completely arbitrary, then that is counterproductive as it makes some kids feel that rules don't deserve to be followed...iyswim.

Nonsense. The key thing about these rules is that kids will fight like hell against them. That means that they're so focused on the 'arbitrary' rules that they won't bother with the big things. Who are children to decide which rules 'should' be followed?

I really believe it's a case of making sensible rules that everyone agrees are a good and reasonable idea - not just coming up with a load of silly ones or less important ones, in order to teach children to follow them.

Drive on the left. Stop at zebra crossings. Say please and thankyou. Don't queue-barge. Don't steal. Are these 'sensible' to you? If so, why?

They're all part of a social construct. By following them you're contributing to the creation of a particular society. Everyone has to learn to live within that system. By disregarding those rules - and worse, by telling your child that you have no respect for them and so it is OK to disregard them - you are encouraging the child to take a crack at the rest of the social construct.

I cannot understand how her hair colour would have had any impact on her ability to learn, any one else's ability to learn or the teacher's ability to teach. Sending her away for a day clearly does prevent her from learning. It's these arbitrary rules and the absolute lack of pragmatism in applying them which makes English schools seem so ridiculous to me. It's like school is simply an opportunity for teachers to exercise power instead of teach.

morethanyoubargainfor its about training the children to do what they are told when they are told the work place wont be as forgiving

My sister has been sacked for flouting dress codes at work didnt effect her job but the issue is her flouting the rules end of better they learn the lesson now if the parents wont teach it the school must

Exactly, fut! It's indivduality and I would never ever want my dc's to just do something because everyone else does it or it's "normal" and it should absolutely be encouraged, we're not sheep, we're humans!

My bestie shaved her head years ago! Not my cup of tea, I love my make up and blonde hair too much, but it was her head to do with what she wished. People actually stopped speaking to her over it! She was the same person, just bald, but I guess some people can't cope with "different".

FutTheShuckUp

I fail to believe she would be sent home from many jobs because of her hair colour. Seriously- what jobs are these?

There are plenty of customer-facing roles which require a particular dress code.

Ragwort - her hair is light brown naturally. Thanks all, I don't have an issue with the school not feeling it fits with their code (or having a code at all), hope I've been clear about this, it's more the having to fix it this instant thing. And for those who were so gracious as to compliment my daughter, many thanks. She'd have no option to suck it up anyway - I'd support school to her face however much I disagreed with the rules. Then I'd come on Mumsnet and have a rant

I think its totally hypocritical to teach kids not to judge others on appearance when people are disfigured etc yet its ok for people to judge on appearance if someone chooses to have tattoos/non uniform colour hair.
Should people who have been badly burnt have to roll their sleeves down as people may judge them?

"training the children to do what they are told" Wow

I got sent home to change from the white shirt I was wearing, into the blue one I'd managed to burn in hole in that morning irnoning it. I missed all my lessons up to lunch as it was the best part of an hour each way to walk, plus I had to iron dry the remaining shirt (the one that didn't leave my left tit exposed) and we didn't have a washing machine let alone a tumble dryer.

I thought the teacher who inisted I do that was an utter twat then, and believe that even more strongly now.

Hair/skin/piercings etc- these things belong to the individual. Its THEIR body and they have control over it- nobody else does, it doesnt affect other people. Thats nothing like stopping at zebra crossings/driving on the left which is for the safety of everyone.

'I think it's important to do what they are told if it is, well, important.

And who's to judge what's important?' Erm - sorry? Since when was driving on the left in the same category as having brown hair?

'Yes of course within reason, rules ought to be respected but I think if they are completely arbitrary, then that is counterproductive as it makes some kids feel that rules don't deserve to be followed...iyswim.

Nonsense. The key thing about these rules is that kids will fight like hell against them. That means that they're so focused on the 'arbitrary' rules that they won't bother with the big things. Who are children to decide which rules 'should' be followed?'

I don't understand what you mean - are you saying that arbitrary rules are important as a way of distracting children from the bigger issues? I don't get your point. Sorry.

'Drive on the left. Stop at zebra crossings. Say please and thankyou. Don't queue-barge. Don't steal. Are these 'sensible' to you? If so, why?'

Erm...

' By disregarding those rules - and worse, by telling your child that you have no respect for them and so it is OK to disregard them - you are encouraging the child to take a crack at the rest of the social construct.'

I don't agree. And for a start I'm not saying I would disregard them. But I think it is important to look at rules sometimes and challeng whether they have any real bearing on our quality of life. Especially if a school is intent on not educating a child for an entire day for breach of said rules.

An important lesson to teach kids in my honest opinion is not to give two hoots about those who judge anything to do with your personal appearance. Thats far more important to me than teaching my kids they need to comply/fall into line/be like everyone else

hear, hear.

"An important lesson to teach kids in my honest opinion is not to give two hoots about those who judge anything to do with your personal appearance"

And you really think that is a good thing? Fine if it comes down to being judged on the size of your ears, a wart on your chin perhaps, but if your kids grow up believing that having multiple face piercings and rainbow coloured hair will not affect their career choices, you are very much mistaken and doing your kids no favours.

So what you are saying is its fine to teach kids its ok to be judgemental about peoples appearance when it suits? If someone has a birthmark/mole/burns it doesnt affect the way they are as a person but if they have an unatural hair colour it does?

But the link the OP showed us was of a perfectly natural looking colour The colour on the box is the colour it will go on the lightest hair (or bleach) so it wouldn't be any lighter. Probably has a lovely red shine in the sun but its hardly orange is it?

This type or rule annoys me tbh. Both of my dd's are good workers at school and well behaved. They also happen to like to dye their hair various colours. It has never yet affected their learning.

Dd1 currently has very bright blondie ginger hair, after a dying mishap. Nothing was said about it esterday, but as they are apparently cracking down on this type of thing, i expect I might hear from them soon.

EdMcDunnough Thu 06-Sep-12 11:43:49

And who's to judge what's important?' Erm - sorry? Since when was driving on the left in the same category as having brown hair?

The point I'm making is that you're living within a particular social construct. Whether it's one where people drive on the left rather than the right, or one where a school says "These hair colours are inappropriate", it's a set of rules that everyone has to adhere to. The 'drive on the left' one is a bit extreme, but what about queuing? Why do we queue? Why should anyone? It's purely a social construct.

'Yes of course within reason, rules ought to be respected but I think if they are completely arbitrary, then that is counterproductive as it makes some kids feel that rules don't deserve to be followed...iyswim.

They only get that idea if their parents encourage them to think that some rules can't be followed.

I don't understand what you mean - are you saying that arbitrary rules are important as a way of distracting children from the bigger issues? I don't get your point. Sorry.

Partly, they have that value.

I don't agree. And for a start I'm not saying I would disregard them. But I think it is important to look at rules sometimes and challeng whether they have any real bearing on our quality of life. Especially if a school is intent on not educating a child for an entire day for breach of said rules.

But you're an adult. You're over 18 and you've got the experience to judge which rules are appropriate. Would you let your child 'decide' that she wanted to hold a party where she could drink vodka and smoke pot with her mates? I assume not. But if you chose not to, that's because there are laws about who can drink and smoke pot, and you're choosing to stay within the confines of that social construct.

The school has (I assume) 1,500 pupils, and it has to keep them under control so that the teachers can teach instead of spending their lives disciplining kids. If you don't back the school up on their uniform and discipline policy, you're undermining the school's ability to discipline your child.

Would you let your child 'decide' that she wanted to hold a party where she could drink vodka and smoke pot with her mates? I assume not. But if you chose not to, that's because there are laws about who can drink and smoke pot, and you're choosing to stay within the confines of that social construct.

Ridiculous comparison yet again. Vodka and pot- harmful to people. Pink hair- harms nobody!