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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel bereft since my DS got married?

157 replies

GluttonDressedasLamb · 02/09/2012 23:06

I didnt expect to feel this way. DS has lived in a different country from me for 10 years, so Im used to him being away. He lived with his girlfriend for three years before marrying her, and I was fine with that, too.

But I cried all through his wedding service, and the tears are still welling when I think of it.

I am glad he found someone he loves, and who loves him, and yet I can`t stop crying

Ive always got on well with his wife, and have no intention of morphing into the mother-in-law from hell, but I suppose I feel shes taken him from me, and where I am is no longer home. AIBU?

OP posts:

Ephiny · 03/09/2012 21:03

It's not the end of an era though. That era (of your son being a child) ended a long time ago. He has been 'officially grown-up' for a long time.

If he will 'never' move back because DIL doesn't want to live in your country, surely that was just as true before the wedding as after? Were you hoping they'd split up so he could move back? And now you think it's 'impossible' because married couples never split up or something?

Sorry, I really don't get it.

(I can understand feeling genuinely 'bereft' when your children first leave home btw, that really is the end of an era. But not in response to them getting married 10 years later. A bit emotional at the ceremony, yes, but this is just weird.)

secretlyahippy · 03/09/2012 21:04

Will posters stop giving poor OP a hard time? The 'alpha female' quote was mine, not OP so don't flame her for it. Although this is a strong way to describe it, its applicable as when you are a child your mum is a very significant female in your life. For the majority of us she is the most important. This obviously changes as they grow into adults and find new longterm relationships.

At the moment I'm investing all my time, enrgy and emotion for my 3 small children in making them as rounded, healthy and happy individuals as I can. In many years they'll grow up and be prepared for coping with their own lives by themselves.

However, when that time comes and it might be highlighted by college, marriage etc. I think most mums will feel a pang of sadness as it really is closing a chapter on our busy nurturing years. Its a sign we are getting older and we have to find other things to fill our time and thoughts. We'll probably miss the times when they were small and cute and said/did funny things even though I'd do anything for a bit of peace at quiet at the moment

OP has just had a pang of this, she's not mad or overpowering.

I'm sure that there are plenty of exceptions (and sure people will post them here) but I find amongst friends and family the mother/daughter relationship does tend to be closer as we age compared to the son/mother relationship. Daughters tend to turn to their mums for advice and support regarding babies and children and more general day to day stuff.

You sound lovely OP and your son obviously thinks highly of you. A daugher/mother in law relationship can be tricky but I'm sure you'll be fine

mrsfassbender · 03/09/2012 21:10

OP if you're still reading just wanted to send you a hug. My DS is only little but he is my darling and I know I will be lost when he grows up and wotnot (can't even write it!) I had a (boy) cousin get hitched recently and my Aunty (his mum, obvs) was openly upset and emotional all day. We all understood why (even though she has 2 more at home), it is the change and the goodbye and I think the fear that a bond is lost. She quoted a poem (not in a speech!) About girls being your daughters for life, but boys only being your sons til they get a wife!! Lots of mums must go through this
At least you and DIL get on, it will get better I am sure xxxxxxxx

bruschetta · 03/09/2012 21:10

I'm with youoldslag on this one.

fluffyraggies · 03/09/2012 22:09

I felt when my DD got married that I was gaining a son, but what secretlyahippy says about being the alpha female is perfectly true,

But when DD got married I didn`t feel like this at all, and I love her just as much as DS!

If DIL is there he doesn`t talk [on the phone] for as long.

my DM says she thinks DIL is very possessive with DS. Normally I would dismiss that as she (my DM) rarely has a good word to say about anyone, but at the wedding the best man (after a few drinks too many) said something similar, and another old friend of DS told my DS2 that DS1 has changed since he has been with DIL.

I think these are the bits of OPs posts which promoted the more searching responses.

Original poster

GluttonDressedasLamb · 03/09/2012 22:18

Thanks for the hug mrsfass, and for the support from secretly .

As you said, Ephiny, you just dont get it. Whatever gives you the impression that I would want my DS to split from the woman he loves? You really are reading too much into all this. Im not sure who should be considered the weird one here, to be honest.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 03/09/2012 22:31

Glutton - I don't think you're BU, and in fact if more MILs searched their feelings / attempted to rationalise them, there'd be fewer MIL problems! Accepting you're a bit jealous is fine - acting on it, not so much.

As for worrying about what the friends say - it's probably jealousy on their part - he may simply not want to go out to the pub as much as he did - too loved up!

YouOldSlag · 04/09/2012 07:59

I can understand feeling genuinely 'bereft' when your children first leave home btw, that really is the end of an era. But not in response to them getting married 10 years later. A bit emotional at the ceremony, yes, but this is just weird.

Well if she's weird for crying at her son's wedding then so are millions of other mothers.

Not weird at all.

Anyway ephiny, who are you to tell mothers when it's appropriate to feel emotional and when it's weird? everyone is different and emotions don't come to order.

NCForNow · 04/09/2012 08:39

My MIL calls DH and I "The kids" when she refers to us to her friends..."I'm off to see the kids...and the babies."

I think that's nice. I'm glad she seems to love me even if she is a bit nuts at times...I'm also nuts so it doesn't matter!

Standsted · 05/09/2012 00:01

ive been married for 6 years and have lived away with my dh for that long.

I always call my mam and dads house "home"

i also call the house me DH and DC live "home"

i would never as a mother expect to come first to either DD or DS.

You will be your sons mother forever more, just as his wife will be his wife forever more. nothing can change that.

if you continue to view things the way you currently are i feeel you will cause nothing but upset and angst to you all.

He is still your son and alwayts will be, but he now has a wife

the same as your DH when you married (if you did)
would you like your MIL to feel like this??

handheldhoover · 05/09/2012 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 05/09/2012 08:06

Do you want your son to be single forever? If so, who is going to keep him company when he is older? The OP has never even suggested that and has clearly said she gets on very well with her DIL.

if you continue to view things the way you currently are i feeel you will cause nothing but upset and angst to you all. FGS she's keeping it to herself and hasn't shared this with any member of her family. She has also said she and DIL get on well.

I think the OP was having a wobble at her son's wedding, the feelings came as a surprise to her and she is trying to explore them on here so that she doesn't confide in her family.

She has had a really hard time on here being accused of everything from possessiveness, being weird, and now begrudging her son a partner!

brass · 05/09/2012 08:44

She's getting a hard time because she didn't feel like this with her daughter. Why isn't she extending the same to her son and DIL?

She felt she gained a son but doesn't feel she has gained a daughter with DIL. Why not? And yet she says she gets on well with her. So what's the problem?

It would be more understandable if she felt the same about both children. But she doesn't.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 05/09/2012 08:54

^^That's what I was trying to say Brass.

YouOldSlag · 05/09/2012 09:08

But when DD got married I didn`t feel like this at all, and I love her just as much as DS

I think the OP sounds a bit baffled by her own feelings. Isn't her son the youngest and so the last of her children? Maybe it's to do with that and not any sort of gender preference.

Maybe I can explain using my own experience. When my DS1 went to nursery I was a little sad as I felt his babyhood was over and the bit where he needs me exclusively was starting to change as he learns independence.
When my DS2 starts nursery however, I will be very, very upset and will cry buckets.

Do I prefer DS2 to DS1? Not at all, but when I saw DS1 off, I was pregnant with DS2 and knew my babyhood days weren't over yet.

When DS2, that's it, no more babies, no more toddlers, no more first steps, nappies, first words, potty training, etc. That will be the end of a really beautiful chapter and the start of a new one.

Acknowledging change both good and bad, and acknowledging that change with tears and emotion is totally natural and does not indicate gender or child preference.

brass · 05/09/2012 09:19

oh but you see I think there is a huge dose of gender preference here.

Ultimately you get the relationship you put in.

YouOldSlag · 05/09/2012 09:22

Maybe she knows her daughter will always be close to her, but can see her son drifting away.

brass · 05/09/2012 09:30

her son will drift away when he sees her investing more into his sister's life than his. What happens at birth? You have a son and you automatically decide you won't be close. Sabotaging the relationship.

Why would she know she will always be close to her daughter? How? What determines this?

All I'm saying is if he senses his DM is investing something into his life he will remain in hers. If he feels like she is keeping his wife at arm's length or whatever then inevitably the closeness that could intertwine their lives will not materialise as he will not seek to keep mixing these two people. Men like a quiet life .

YouOldSlag · 05/09/2012 10:42

*her son will drift away when he sees her investing more into his sister's life than his. What happens at birth? You have a son and you automatically decide you won't be close. Sabotaging the relationship.

Why would she know she will always be close to her daughter? How? What determines this?*

You're just inventing stuff now. Her son lives abroad and she hasn't mentioned where her daughter lives. You are adding stuff to the story that hasn't even been mentioned or clarified. I don't think she is sabotaging the relationship, or keeping her son at arms length or any of that.

She is crying at her son's wedding because he is the last of her children to get married and her work is well and truly over.

brass · 05/09/2012 10:57

really she said that? the last of her DC to get married? maybe you're inventing?

Wheresmygalaxy · 05/09/2012 10:59

I know theres loads of other posts that i havent read them all through but just wanted to say home will always be home to him and that means where you and his dad are.

my dp's family moved from their family home 3 yrs ago to a bungalow in a new area, when dp goes to see them he always says im going home. i know i do it too when i go to see my mum and dad. but he's never even lived in this new house yet still calls it home.

brass · 05/09/2012 11:03

no my home is where I live with DH and DC. But it sounds lovely you both still feel that way.

DontmindifIdo · 05/09/2012 11:20

does your DD live with her DH in the same country as you? Then you will feel more like he's 'part of the family' if you see them regularly, whereas if the new DIL is someone you only see 1-2 times a year, then she will be more distant to you, she won't be part of your life in the same way.

I can see why him living abroad for years, even dating and living with a woman in this other country wouldn't feel as final as a marriage - it could be the wedding has made it clear, he's built a new life in another country, and that's where his life is taking him. Before that, he was just 'working abroad' - very different mentally for you. Your son is someone you 'visit', and is physcially not here, and this wedding has made it clear to you that it's for good - even if it was already decided they'd not move back, the wedding has underlined what you might have been ignoring.

It's also meant that you haven't seen his relationship develop in the same way as you would have with your DD and her DH, you haven't seen him built his life in this other country, by the very nature of having to visit, means you won't see his normal day to day life- he's got a life you aren't part of, that's hard. It's ok to feel sad that he's moved on in the world and not in a way you can be part of easily.

YouOldSlag · 05/09/2012 12:09

DontmindifIdo- at last some non hysterical common sense!

YouOldSlag · 05/09/2012 12:27

really she said that? the last of her DC to get married? maybe you're inventing?

Well maybe if her son got married first and her daughter last, it would have been the other way around.

She has not said she loves her daughter less or wasn't bothered at that wedding. I get the impression that her son's marriage means he is staying abroad and not just living there at the moment. It's like coming to terms with the fact you will never live in the same country as your son, and that would have me in tears too!

My grandmother was gutted when my uncle emigrated, but did he know? did she tell him? not one bit of it. She was very happy for him and kept the fact that she would miss him horribly to herself. Sounds like what OP is doing. She is keeping it to herself, which is decent, right and unselfish.

I think too many people are fixating on the imagined gender preference thing. My take on it is that the daughter lives nearer and marriage didn't change the fact she would be still be very much in and out of OP's life. The son's marriage has sealed the deal on him never living in his native country again. To be fair, the OP hasn't said her DD lives abroad, but it is the impression I have.

I honestly don't think this thread is about "I prefer my son to my daughter".

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