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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel bereft since my DS got married?

157 replies

GluttonDressedasLamb · 02/09/2012 23:06

I didnt expect to feel this way. DS has lived in a different country from me for 10 years, so Im used to him being away. He lived with his girlfriend for three years before marrying her, and I was fine with that, too.

But I cried all through his wedding service, and the tears are still welling when I think of it.

I am glad he found someone he loves, and who loves him, and yet I can`t stop crying Sad

Ive always got on well with his wife, and have no intention of morphing into the mother-in-law from hell, but I suppose I feel shes taken him from me, and where I am is no longer home. AIBU?

OP posts:
NCForNow · 03/09/2012 01:00

My DH's Mum lives on the other side of the world and it's usually me who has to do the phoning and skyping as he never seems to be bothered to arrange it...I hope my MIL doesn't think this is down to me!

Original poster
GluttonDressedasLamb · 03/09/2012 01:09

You sound nice, NC

He still phones every week, usually when hes alone, and we have quite long chats. If DIL is there he doesnt talk for as long.

OP posts:
NCForNow · 03/09/2012 04:50

BUt has this only begun now he's married? Surely it was the same type of phone call when they were living together?

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/09/2012 05:58

Women can be possessive of their husbands when they first marry and have kids, it's normal and doesn't usually mean anything if she is welcoming and polite to you. You say they live in another country? Is there a different culture involved too? Do you visit them and stay etc? Feel welcomed when you do?

It must be very hard when your children fly the nest, mine are very young so I don't have to think about it but thinking as a new wife or young person, they are in that time of life where they are settling into marraige and into thief own lives etc and I can only imagine that for parents it is like being on the outside looking in... It doesn't get easier them does it!

AThingInYourLife · 03/09/2012 06:16

You're worried that your DIL is possessive of your son, but you want to be the "alpha female" Hmm in his life and are "bereft" that he has married and now another woman is more important to him than you are?

Confused Hmm

Maybe he learnt that being owned by a jealous woman is normal from a young age?

This thread with all the creepy talk of little boys being taken away from their rightful owners by evil women explains a lot about why so many women have problematic relationships with their MsIL.

Ick.

I hope none of my DDs ever inadvertently steal a boy from a crazy possessive mother who always wants to be the most important woman.

That is seriously fucking weird.

Nice indepedent men raised by non-possessive parents all the way.

nooka · 03/09/2012 06:19

Is it perhaps because until he married there was always a chance he might come back to the UK (assuming that that is where you live?) My mother was incredibly upset when my sister started dating an Australian because she thought she'd never come home.

I'd not be surprised if my mother cried when I got married. She was horrible during the rehearsal (even the poor priest got it in the ear!).

I don't think it is unreasonable to feel sad, it's a significant change and emotions are what they are. But you are unreasonable to think that you should be the most important person in your son's life, or that somehow you are less loved because your ds has married. I think you need to find some way to put those feelings to one side and move on because otherwise your relationship with your son and daughter in law will suffer.

bruschetta · 03/09/2012 06:30

Yanbu.
Your reaction sounds completely normal. Our children are always our babies and most ppl cry at weddings.
Besides anyone who's ever studied classical literature or read Freud or Shakespeare or knows that parent. / child relationships are driven by extraordinary power.

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/09/2012 06:32

Agree with nooka. I totally expect and even hope that the most important person in my son's life will be his wife (if he takes one!) and I fully expo t him to love her more than me! That's normal isn't it?! I hope I raise him to go forth and love and value his wife and treat her like a princess! Then I will know I have done a good job.

bruschetta · 03/09/2012 06:35

I spend less time on the phone if my dh is around because i think it's a bit rude to be talking for ages On the phone when someone else is in the room.
And as someone else said, many women are quite possessive also of their husbands at first. This is all normal isn't it and the only way to remain sane is to be self aware and remember that once we were the new wife or one day we may be the MIL.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 06:38

As usually, perfectly put AThing.

secretlyahippy · 03/09/2012 07:02

Sounds like OP doesn't make these feelings known - but can't help feeling like this. That doesn't make her a bad person.
I think you are being a tab harsh Athing.

TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 03/09/2012 07:11

That's hardly helpful AThing. The OP has said that she's glad her son has found someone whom he loves but that she's finding it difficult to accept that he'll no longer 'need' her in the same way now that he's married. Not once has she said she believes she 'owns' him or that she feels possessive. She has said she feels displaced because she is no longer needed in the same way as before. Pulling this face Hmm and making hurtful personal remarks ('crazy possessive mother') is unkind and unnecessary.

Yokel · 03/09/2012 07:16

I have a brother. Both of us have partners. My mother lurves my partner, but she is a complete cow to my brother's girlfriend (of nearly 20 years), and still seems to think that when he rings her (mum) or pops in, he's somehow demonstrating that he'd rather be back living at home where he belongs. Hmm

It makes me hate my mum, if I'm honest, and my brother just thinks she's nuts.

Ephiny · 03/09/2012 07:19

My mum was a bit weird like this about me getting married ('ooh i hope you'll still come and visit us once you're married Hmm, finally chucking away the stuff I'd left behind at their house etc)

I felt it kind of devalued the 10 years I'd been with DH before marriage, during which I was just as committed to him, considered myself just as much his family, and had long ago stopped thinking of my parents' house as 'home'.

Aside from the 'alpha female' thing being a bit odd, surely you lost that status years ago (if he's lived with his now-wife for years already), it didn't happen on the day of their wedding ceremony? And what has the wedding got to do with whether he'll live with you again (surely he wasn't likely to do that anyway?)

fluffyraggies · 03/09/2012 07:29

OP, perhaps you should have worded your OP a little differently. It's obvious it's not just the marriage you're fretting about.

You have said now that you are taking notice of other people saying he has changed. Have you noticed any change in him? Sometimes change is for the good. He's grown up a bit perhaps? My DH has changed since he's been with me and his family (especially his mum) are over the moon about it. 7 years down the line they still pat me on the back about how well/happy/content MrRaggies is. I tell them i did nothing, seriously - i asked nothing of him, he's just happy and settled now. And that's lovely.

You say he still phones every week. That's good! It doesn't have to be a long heart to heart to be keeping in touch. The shorter phone calls when his wife is around ... was that the case when she was his girlfriend? If so then that's normal behaviour from him. If not - perhaps he's paying his new wife a bit of extra attention? I can't imagine after all these years together she's suddenly saying "now i've got a ring you cant be on the phone for so long". It's not like she's someone who's popped up overnight. She may well be the one who prompts him to ring. (like in our house) It's natural that he's more likely to be on the phone longer if there's no one else around. No matter who the else may be.

I would concentrate on your own relationship with your son and DIL and not listen to other people's opinions of her/him. He's his own man now, he flew the nest ages ago - it's torturing yourself to be upset about this marriage. The proof is in the pudding - they've been together a good while now - have you really got any worries about him, or is it just looking for problems form heresay?

Margerykemp · 03/09/2012 07:30

No wonder he lives abroad...

TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 03/09/2012 07:33

Presumably everyone who's being so snarky and judgemental has never experienced an irrational emotional response to anything in their life, ever. Well done you Hmm

YouOldSlag · 03/09/2012 08:10

Gosh OP, people are being harsh, especially AThing!!

OP is discreetly crying at her son's wedding. There may be doubts or worries in her head but she is keeping them to herself (not sharing them with her DS and DIL).

She's hardly going to be the only one to ever do this!

diddl · 03/09/2012 08:16

OP-he probably hasn´t thought of your house as "home" since he moved out!

And you know that she hasn´t taken him -he has chosen to go.

Be glad that he is in love & settled!

Trills · 03/09/2012 08:17

Where you are most likely hasn't been "home" for a long time.

If you could deal with him moving to another country then you can deal with this. Buck up, stiff upper lip, etc.

NumericalMum · 03/09/2012 08:26

My mil went completely of the rails when I moved in with my then DP and now DH of a long time. She threatened suicide (was idle threat definitely) and wrote a long list of the things wrong with me. She was BU and Is now on medication as she doesn't believe in counselling Hmm

YANBU to be a bit sad about him getting married unless you take it further! I am sobbing randomly at the thought of my PFB starting school this week!

Mollydoggerson · 03/09/2012 08:28

Where is home for you OP, the house you grew up in or where you lived with your partner?

I think you have felt these feelings and now you need to move on, dwelling in them strikes me as bordering on self indulgent and narcisistic.

NameChangeGalore · 03/09/2012 08:33

Sorry op, you won't want to hear this, but,

A son is a son, til hes got him a wife, a daughters a daughter, you've got her for life

I don't know, but that saying is pretty true in our family!

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 03/09/2012 08:34

I don't get this 'Alpha Female' stuff. I am bringing my DS's up to put their wife and DC first, if they do that then I know I've done my job properly, teaching them to be independent.

If my DS's put me before their wife, I'd be giving them a flea in their ear about it.

I didn't have DC's to cling to them forever - you teach them to grow, then they spread their wings to fly.

That was the advice given to me when I had DD, and I believe it's true.

Doesn't mean that I won't want to see them or speak to them once they are married, but it does mean that I would never expect to come before their wife (or husband in DD's case) and DC's.

When they are all married, it will be, to me, like gaining a SonIL and DIL's, not losing my own DC's.

I will have my own life and be off gallivanting then anyway, I won't be sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for my adult DC's to call or visit! I'll be going to craft shows, and busy doing crafts.

catwoo · 03/09/2012 08:35

There's never anyone like your mum and your DS won't forget this xx