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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel bereft since my DS got married?

157 replies

GluttonDressedasLamb · 02/09/2012 23:06

I didnt expect to feel this way. DS has lived in a different country from me for 10 years, so Im used to him being away. He lived with his girlfriend for three years before marrying her, and I was fine with that, too.

But I cried all through his wedding service, and the tears are still welling when I think of it.

I am glad he found someone he loves, and who loves him, and yet I can`t stop crying Sad

Ive always got on well with his wife, and have no intention of morphing into the mother-in-law from hell, but I suppose I feel shes taken him from me, and where I am is no longer home. AIBU?

OP posts:
Caerlaverock · 03/09/2012 11:39

Well the alternative is a big strange adult child living at home sitting on the sofa in questionable woollens watching new tricks, rejoice in his marriage!

diddl · 03/09/2012 12:01

What I mean is that I don´t get how it even occurs to a mother that they are the "number 1", such that when the son marries, they have the thought that they no longer are.

fluffyraggies · 03/09/2012 12:06

diddl i think you're saying what i was wondering. I have DDs and no sons, so i don't know what it's like to be the mother of a son.

Is it, on the whole, different? Is it harder for a woman to see her son married rather than her DD then? I thought the mother/son, father/daughter thing was a theory that had been debunked Confused

Genuinely interested.

Ephiny · 03/09/2012 12:10

If it was a father regretting no longer being the 'No 1 man' in his adult daughter's life, would that seem the same? Or a bit creepy?

diddl · 03/09/2012 12:17

Well neither of mine are married yet.

And I can quite see how for example if there are GC, the DIL would call her own mum.

The problem to me seems to be that the son/mother relationship isn´t strong enough for the son to be bothered to involve his own mother.

Or the MIL doesn´t try hard enough to build a relationship with her DIL.

skateboarder · 03/09/2012 12:42

My advice to the op would be to take time out and try and get to know dil in her own right. Spend time with her, ask her advice, try and be her friend.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 12:47

Creepy IMo Ephiny. I've always found those tv shows/movies were the dad is obsessed with his daughter's virginity 'purity..' Well, gross.

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/09/2012 12:56

Being no.1 in my son's life has never crossed my mind even now as he is only 4! His no.1 girl is his girlfriend! That's fine though, and sweet x

diddl · 03/09/2012 12:56

My husband is an only child & I know that his parents wanted him to marry & have children.
Although I´m not quite what they envisaged
But what they didn´t seem to take into account was that being married would mean less visits to them, plus I´d be with him, plus we´d be seeing my parents too!

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 13:00

Through a series of bad relationship choices, I've decided I'll only marry the man I love if I love his mother too.

I don't wnat to be viewed as some son-stealing Jezebel. :( I experienced that at 15!

I know it depends on the man and his ability to be respectful to me, but some of the stories on here would make a good horror movie! Shock

Sorry, OT. >Hides in corner, observing conversation

YouOldSlag · 03/09/2012 13:04

Lurking- you may be single for a very long time if you limit yourself like that! Smile

TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 03/09/2012 13:23

Through a series of bad relationship choices, I've decided I'll only marry the man I love if I love his mother too.

My ex was a festering turd of a man with the most wonderful, warm and amazing family. I think I was with him mostly for them by the end! But DHs mother is a nightmare; a selfish, cruel, vile person who doesn't deserve to have my lovely DH as her son. But if I want DH (and I do!) I have to take his mother as part of the deal sadly. I can definitely understand your reasoning Lurking and fingers crossed you get a good one!

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 13:32

I know you're both right logically, t's emotionally I don't think I can handle any more suspicion, family gossip and passive aggressive comments than I've already escaped survived! Grin

Logically I know no man or no family or no MIL is going to perfect, I'm sure not...But my fingers are crossed I don't fall n love with someone whose mother pash's him, or claims it's great I had a stillborn! [Haunted by another thread]

diddl · 03/09/2012 13:34

Sadly for me I always got on with boyfriends parents-except the one I married.

Oh well, at least I know it´s not me!

EdithWeston · 03/09/2012 13:38

Well, I was at a wedding where the father of the bride was openly tearful, even though they were a longstanding co-habitant couple and he liked and thoroughly approved of the groom.

I see nothing wrong in sentiment bubbling out at landmark occasions. Especially nowadays with eg tearful mothers on first day at reception.

wimblehorse · 03/09/2012 13:44

Has OP said how old her DS is?

Just wondering if it makes a difference if he got married at, say 25 rather than at 35.
At 25 if there had been years of university, travelling, working in a different country etc then maybe OP's home would still really be his "home" too if he didn't have a permanent other. But at 35 that is less likely...

I married DP last year, after 10 years of living together, when he was 35 and we already had one DS. MIL got weepy and emotional the last time we saw her before the wedding about how her son would no longer be single blah blah blah. Really threw me as I had thought for a long time that I was already part of the family, that we were as far away from being "single" as you could be and that nothing was really changing so there would be no "taking him away" from her.

Currently pg with ds2 and not planning any more dc so I guess I will never know if being the mother of a son is different to of a daughter, but I really hope that when he mature enough to be in a serious relationship, I am mature enough to be only happy for him with no lingering regrets or feelings of being pushed out....

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 13:49

Being tearful at your baby growing up is very different to self pitying/uncomfortable/jealous crying.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 13:50

WTF wimble?! Did she think he'd just been horsing around and screwing Playboy models until your wedding? Hmm

EdithWeston · 03/09/2012 13:54

Lurking: agreed - and OP is doing the former, as she's describing tearfulness (which she concealed from the marrying couple) during an important rite of passage day.

They don't stop being your babies. Not ever.

And I'm usually criticised on MN for being a chilly, cold-hearted type!

NCForNow · 03/09/2012 13:57

Yes they do Edith...they grow up and become adults...and I hope when my DDs are women, that they feel the freedom they deserve to do what they like and live where they like...married or single.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 14:07

My mum always says 'll always be her baby girl...However when I tell her I fantasise about her being my personal chef/nanny/want to go on x holiday with her, she alway flatly dismisses me and says I'll change my mind when (of if) I find a husband. We often have comedic arguments about it. Grin

No doubt (if) I get married, my mum will be weeping. No doubt also, it will be from immense pride and a sense of grief I'm 'all growedededed up.'

But if she were crying because she weren't alpha/female/male/whatever? I'd be bloody offended and put her in her place.

I'd be even more offended (and extremely wounded even if I didn't show it) if I were the sibling who didn't seem to matter as much to my mum in my eyes because she was so distraught at my DB's wedding and cheerful at mine. Doesn't send the best message in sibling relations, does it?

Poutintrout · 03/09/2012 14:38

I'm actually finding this thread really interesting. I recently got married after a very, very long time of cohabiting with my DH and living far away from MIL. I never thought that there was a problem with my relationship with my MIL, it was always polite and cordial. That changed the day we got married when MIL couldn't hide that it was the worst day of her life and was unpleasant and hurtful.

I have spent everyday since the wedding trying to work out what I did to deserve being treated like that & why she would want to cast a shadow over the day. My theory was that she felt she was being ousted as alpha female and our wedding was confirmation that her baby would always live miles from (her) home. My DH said that this theory was twaddle & I was inclined to agree that it made no sense however the OP has made me rethink this.

I would like to say, in the hope that it might be helpful, that MIL has totally shot herself in the foot acting like this. My DH is seriously not impressed with her behaviour and it has come between them to an extent. He does not telephone as much and it has nothing to do with me banning him from doing do. Also she will miss out in the long run since I will not be falling over myself to visit in future. On the "never coming home again" thing we recently discussed moving back to DH's hometown because we would have a better standard of living. We both decided that this would not be a good idea because of MIL's behaviour at the wedding and her obvious issues with me. It is funny to think that if she had wound her neck in she would have had what she wanted.

tabulahrasa · 03/09/2012 15:45

The thing is they don't stop being your babies, not really - they might grow up and become adults too, but they don't stop being what they were.

DS is 16, 6 ft tall, he's making uni plans and he shaves and cooks and buggers off doing a hobby at weekends... But, he's still the tiny baby I struggled so hard to breast feed, the toddler who said he wanted to live with me forever and that he'd get married to a girl in nursery but they'd live in my house and their children could have share a bunk bed in my living room and he's still the little boy who came out of school on his first day and said it was ok, but that he didn't want to go back because he missed me.

Mostly he's just a hulking great teenage lump, lol, but sometimes it kind of catches you that he's all those other things - I'd imagine that stays when they get older too.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 15:55

But...What's different about daughters? Confused

Not snarky. I'm not a mother yet. Why the sentimentalism towards son's marrying off and not daughters?

That's what I don't like about the OP(ening post.) If I were her daughter, it would be obvious she was crushed her little boy got married but not a big deal her little girl did? That would cut deep.

I dunno. As a non parent it's confusing. How does gender matter if it's actually about DC coming back to the nest? I would be so wounded if mum carried on this way at DB's wedding but not mine. :(

Oh well, DB and DSIL are unlikely to ever marry so I guess I don't have to wprry about it...

Worries

tabulahrasa · 03/09/2012 16:00

Gender makes no odds to me - so I don't know, it's not quite the same with DD yet because she's younger still.

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