To not invite my dad's wife to my wedding?

[weddingfamilywoes]

I'm getting married next year, and deciding how to deal with my divorced parents is causing me a lot of stress. They have been divorced for almost 20 years, but its still a big deal for me to have them in the same place. Since they split up, the only time I have seen them in the same place was at my siblings' weddings. My dad never went to any graduations etc, it was always accepted that my mum would be the one to go.

At my siblings' weddings it was clearly a big deal for my mum that my dad was there. So much so, that she took a tranquilizer before one of the weddings. I also remember my dad talking to her at once, and it really rattled her.

My mum has never remarried. She hates my dad, but I think underneath there is a lot of regret and some feelings still there for him. When my parents split up, he left her for another woman (although I don't think my mum was blameless in the breakdown of their relationship). He later remarried (but to a different person).

I like my dad's wife (stepmother I guess) a lot, but I'm not sure whether to invite her to the wedding. I anticipate that my mum will react badly to the news, perhaps terribly so. I have always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship with her. She has quite low self-esteem and is prone to depression. When my dad got remarried (~10 years ago), I told my mum I was going and she got hysterical. She phoned my grandparents and shouted at them down the phone, and asked why they were supporting this. I backed out of the wedding. I'm kind of expecting the same thing if I invite my dad's wife this time. And I'm worried whether it would be too big a thing for my mum to handle. She had cancer earlier this year and has generally been more depressed since. But on the other hand I feel really bad for my dad and his wife if I don't invite her. Neither of my siblings invited her to their wedding. I guess they felt it was best to avoid the stress for themselves and my mum.

Thanks. I may need hand holding if I go through with this. Updates tomorrow, I must try to sleep now.

I think your DM is being very unfair and unreasonable. I do not think she is being honest, I think she is being manipulative.

Personally, I would invite your Step mother. Your DM is probably used to getting her own way, I suspect she would be able to control her feelings if her family started standing up to her.

It must be very hard for you though.

My mil didn't come to our wedding because we invited her exmil, 25 bloody years they hadn't spoken for (since mils divorce) extremly petty and childish.

Mil does love to be centre of attention though and is very good at manipulating her dc's so she gets her on way

Why does your mother think people will be watching her, it is your wedding day. Her relationship has been over for decades. To me she sounds attention seeking and rather selfish to be creating a big drama about her at your wedding.

I would invite Step-mum and not bother talking to DM about it. Don't engage with her over the issue.

You could do what my sister did. She invited everyone she wanted and told both our mother and father that we are all adults and need to act like it, their marriage was over many years ago and it's her day now. If she got wind of either of them kicking off or being rude about each other then they would be the one who had to leave. My mother was a picture of good manners and never said a word, My father however managed most of the day, then had a couple too many during the evening party and was promptly put in a taxi home. They were placed a long way from each other at the Church and at the dinner and managed to do very well for the most part.
Time to stand up to your Mum her marriage was over 20 years ago she needs to get over it and be an adult, she won't like to hear it, but has a year to get the hang of it.

Your stepmother would be very hurt if you didn't invite her, especially if the two of you have a good relationship otherwise. To be honest, I'd probably sit down with my mum and say she was invited only if she could promise to keep it all together. However, I wouldn't seat them near each other and I would also ask my dad to avoid talking to her unnecessarily.

Also want to add that you might want to consider offering to shout your mum a great outfit and makeup artist so she can go there looking, and feeling, fantastic.

It is a shame your mother isn't willing to hold her head up high and be proud of you and your siblings on this special day and be gracious to DF and DSM.

Can any of her close friends be invited so she has people to chat to and show you off to so she doesn't have time to worry about what relatives might be saying?

Squinkies's sister had a good approach there- can you do something similar?

You have spent 20 years trying not to upset your DM. Perhaps she could spend 12 hours trying not to upset you?

he thinks we should invite SM, thinks my mum is and always has acted like a child

Your fiance has it right.

We are all here for you op - be strong. The only reason it is 'hard' for her is that she makes it hard! And as someone said up thread, where will this stop? What if she starts on your dh? What if you have babies and she wants to 'rule' if your dad and sm see them?

It stops.

Now.

Say no more for everyone's sake. If it is easier - email her and say your and your fiancée have decided you will invite your father and sm as there is logical reason not to and your mum has to deal with that and that you don't want to hear any more about it. A tough love approach is needed here.

Don't let her toxic behaviour rule you any more.

I don't see why a guest list has to be discussed with all and sundry, no matter how close anyone is. My DH and I invited a long list of people to our wedding and it was tough if any of them didn't get on. They gravitated towards those they knew and liked. Oh, yes, there was one cousin (A) who came but, at the party afterwards, saw another cousin (B) whom she didn't like so cousin A left after half an hour. I wasn't really bothered about cousin A coming in the first place but I didn't want to invite all the other cousins and not her.

The OP should leave the guest list out of any conversation with her mother. Mother brings up guest list when they are talking.

OP should say, "We'll talk about that another time." and find something else thought about in advance to talk about if the guest list is brought up.

I hope you have a lovely day, OP. Ignore everyone else's thoughts about whom you should or should not invite.

Your mum is being very unreasonable and childish and needs to grow up. she is trying to make it all about her and you must not let her.

Of course you should invite your dad's wife - even if you didn't like her that much it would be wrong to exclude her - as a general rule married people should be invited both or not at all.

Hello, I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if things have moved on.
My mother did this at my graduation. It was very difficult as she was ill at the time. My dad was not as soft as yours and put his foot down - his partner cam too or he wouldn't. So I was really stuck as of course I wanted them both there. Eventually we agreed that my mum would bring a friend with her as support so that she would always have someone with her and wouldn't ever be in the position of standind around alone feeling self conscious. I was worried that she would have a panic attack on the day but actually she was fine. Although there were a lot of tears in the run up and after too. But I am really glad that they were all there for me.
I think that at some point you have to draw a line under your parents marriage and divorce and just try to have a relationship with them as an adult. It is really hard but your mum needs to understand that her marriage was hers, not yours, and you can't be expected to take sides anymore.
If you give her time to get used to the idea she may well come round. And on the day she may find that she has emotional strength she didn't realise (as she hasn't tried before) and be able to get through the day calmly.

I've not read all this thread, but really think that you should invite who you want to.

I'm two years into the most appalling marriage breakup, where my husband left me after a five year affair with a work colleague. He now lives with her, and she is about to become my children's step mother.

I read your post,because actually it gave me a real reality check that I never want things to be like this for my children, and unbelievably, though I'm prepared to do it for their sake, their dad absolutely won't be in the same room as me, despite me being blameless. I'm desperate for him to get it together,and put the kids first.

It's only two years, but I'm allowing my kids to do the whole bridesmaids thing at the wedding, though it breaks my heart. It's been twenty years, and your mum, well she's just got to, because it's your day, and it's just not about her.

I'm sorry, and I really hope you find a solution xx

I agree with the posters who say your mum sounds manipulative and immature, even if she is ill. But that doesn't make it easier for you.

Could you invite your Dad and his wife to the reception, and your mum to the wedding (or vice versa)? Or would you consider doing an American style thingy and have a dinner the night before with your Dad and his wife?

I'm afraid I sort of agree with Wilson - it might be nice to focus on your SM's feelings for once!

Hi op, I've read the whole thread. Nothing new to add because everyone else has said it so well. I hope you manage to have your special day, you also deserve to feel excited about the planning - not babysitting your Mum's angst. I feel tired on your behalf just thinking about dealing with her. I can't imagine holding onto all that misery and anger especially for 20 years, she must feel knackered.

You know what, gloves are off, if she want emotional blackmail, throw some back her way, she's putting her feelings above everyone elses, and it's your wedding day, it's supposed to be about you and she's gone and made it all about her.

I would send her an e-mail back along the lines of that you've slept on it, you're really upset at her behaviour, can she not see she's saying avoiding her being slightly akward for a few hours she's asking you to insult all of your Dad's family and possibly put a wedge between you all. That your dad is still your dad, she divorced him but he didn't stop being your dad and how could he attend without his wife? It would be such a slap in his face and how can she think that it's ok to ask you to do that.

Tellher if she loves you she'll put on her game face and support you, not try to make the day all about her.

You have spent 20 years trying not to upset your DM. Perhaps she could spend 12 hours trying not to upset you?

That ^ exactly.

I think it would be very wrong of you not to invite your SM - imagine how she'd feel? As everyone else has said, your DM is playing you like a puppet and it needs to stop. Do everyone a favour and be the first one to do something to make it stop.

Smo2 you sound like a brilliant mum who only wants the best for her kids and despite what you've been through you put them first, that must be hard but you are a shining example of how it should be. I hope you are ok and I wish you all the best - you deserve the world x

You know what, gloves are off, if she want emotional blackmail, throw some back her way, she's putting her feelings above everyone elses, and it's your wedding day, it's supposed to be about you and she's gone and made it all about her.

I would send her an e-mail back along the lines of that you've slept on it, you're really upset at her behaviour, can she not see she's saying avoiding her being slightly akward for a few hours she's asking you to insult all of your Dad's family and possibly put a wedge between you all. That your dad is still your dad, she divorced him but he didn't stop being your dad and how could he attend without his wife? It would be such a slap in his face and how can she think that it's ok to ask you to do that.

Tellher if she loves you she'll put on her game face and support you, not try to make the day all about her.

....
Perfectly said by this poster! Listen to this op! Email her - make it easier to get your decision across

I'm a stepmum, and I can definitely see this happening to us in the future.
Regardless of the fact that I was nothing to do with the split DH ex is very emotionally manipulative with the kids.
We've already decided that when the graduations / weddings / christenings start we'll sit the kids down and tell them that if they don't feel they can invite me then that's fine.
But it will really hurt (not that I'd tell them that).
Have you spoken to your stepmum?

I get this. I get how hard it is for your mum. Being cheated on by someone you love is something well-balanced 'normal' people struggle to move on from. I am 4 years down the line and my children are young but reading this makes me realise that the hardest days are yet to come!

Your mum will feel incredibly vulnerable. I do now - my ex always, always has a woman by his side. He doesn't do dating or casual. He does relationships. They last a reasonable amount of time - a year, 18 months, 6 months. He will, eventually I'm sure, re-marry. I still struggle to see a time when I might be in a position to commit to someone again - I have been on dates, have enjoyed other men's company, but getting over the trust hurdle has been incredibly difficult for me. Maybe it's irrational, but when you trust someone with your life and they just screw it up and laugh in your face (as my ex did, literally), the barriers go up and it's incredibly hard to get them down again, even if you might want them to. Your ex having a partner puts you in a position of vulnerability - like they must be happier than you, better looking, better off...No, it's not a competition but it 's hard not to compare and if you feel you come off worse, it's even harder to have to face up to. I am the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve - I will always come off worse in public than my 'couldn't give a toss, will turn up at anything with no shame whatsoever' ex! And of course, there is a side of me that just wants to 'save' any new partner from what I went through and I struggle to understand what anyone is able to see in him - he is incredibly abusive towards me and the children which he doesn't hide and yet there are plenty of women who seem to enjoy this. Of course, they inevitably end up sobbing on my doorstep when he moves on but that's another story!

I believe you should have who you want at your wedding. It's your day and whatever anyone else feels, it shouldn't be about them. But as you recognise your mum's vulnerability, I do think that you should perhaps work with your siblings to make her feel 'safe' in whatever way you can. Make sure someone is beside her at all times - and tell her this will be the case. I would also talk frankly with your dad and step mum and say that your mum struggles. You don't need to go into details but just tell them to keep away from her, not to make conversation, keep a generally low profile. Have them sit at a different table during the reception and keep mum with you at the 'top' table to show her how much you value her. That will help keep her on 'top' of your dad, give her some oneupmanship over him which I am sure both him and your step mum will be able to handle.

And I would also say, don't assume you know why exactly your mum feels the way she does. And please never assume that you know what went on in your parents' marriage. There is a lot you are able to hide from your children and a lot you do 'for the sake of the children'. There is a pattern in adultery that is abusive and adulterers go to great lengths to prove to everyone around them that they were 'right' to do what they did, usually at the expense of the mental health of the person they left. Most of us rise up above it and deal with it but the scars are there forever. Please don't assume your mum's nervousness means that there is still love there or she somehow hasn't gotten over things. People get on with their lives in different ways and deal with things how best suits them. I accept my children have to have a quality relationship with their dad and I spend a lot of time biting my lip and not pointing out the obvious. Loving their dad often feels like a betrayal to me. It can be hard to accept their right to a quality relationship with us both after what he did. Some people struggle to see the wood for the trees - my ex doesn't deserve a quality relationship with his children but they do with him, if you see what I mean. I think many people can't quite see it - hence you get situations like this.

Have a lovely wedding, whatever you decide. It's your day so enjoy it!

PLEASE INVITE YOUR SM!!!!
Things will never ever improve if you don't. You are not responsible for your Mothers emotional wellbeing.

Everybody looking at this from an outside perspective can see clear as fucking day how manipulative and downright nasty your DM's reaction was. I really, really feel for your SM and am quite sad about the fact that she will never feel accepted because nobody in your family seems to have the balls to stand up to your awful Mother. God she's horrible!! Please don't feed it any further.

Ok, in hindsight reading back OP, I shouldn't have slagged your DM off quite so savagely I apologise for that, I know she is your Mum and you love her very much.
Honestly though, hidden stories aside, her behaviour sounds appaling and I am unrealistically angry about it!