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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my dad's wife to my wedding?

233 replies

weddingfamilywoes · 01/09/2012 23:03

I'm getting married next year, and deciding how to deal with my divorced parents is causing me a lot of stress. They have been divorced for almost 20 years, but its still a big deal for me to have them in the same place. Since they split up, the only time I have seen them in the same place was at my siblings' weddings. My dad never went to any graduations etc, it was always accepted that my mum would be the one to go.

At my siblings' weddings it was clearly a big deal for my mum that my dad was there. So much so, that she took a tranquilizer before one of the weddings. I also remember my dad talking to her at once, and it really rattled her.

My mum has never remarried. She hates my dad, but I think underneath there is a lot of regret and some feelings still there for him. When my parents split up, he left her for another woman (although I don't think my mum was blameless in the breakdown of their relationship). He later remarried (but to a different person).

I like my dad's wife (stepmother I guess) a lot, but I'm not sure whether to invite her to the wedding. I anticipate that my mum will react badly to the news, perhaps terribly so. I have always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship with her. She has quite low self-esteem and is prone to depression. When my dad got remarried (~10 years ago), I told my mum I was going and she got hysterical. She phoned my grandparents and shouted at them down the phone, and asked why they were supporting this. I backed out of the wedding. I'm kind of expecting the same thing if I invite my dad's wife this time. And I'm worried whether it would be too big a thing for my mum to handle. She had cancer earlier this year and has generally been more depressed since. But on the other hand I feel really bad for my dad and his wife if I don't invite her. Neither of my siblings invited her to their wedding. I guess they felt it was best to avoid the stress for themselves and my mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

weddingfamilywoes · 13/01/2013 00:47

I think she is a bit jealous. She doesn't like the thought that I would choose to spare my SM's feelings over her own. She asked me if I was close to her and whether I went to see her every weekend. (I don't, I'm not especially close to her but get on well with her).

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2013 00:48

my your father

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2013 00:48

Agree with the other posters, her 'honesty' is out and out manipulation.

Subtle as a fucking brick.

But why can't you see that you haven't come to the decision of your own free will?

I think you know you're being manipulated by her, or why post?

Inviting your SM isn't a betrayal of your mum, however much your mum wants it to be seen like that.

She responded as she should have done at first because she knew it'd be socially expected that this should be about you, not her, and she didn't have time to think how to work it round to attention for her reflect. But after she got over the initial shock of you not obeying her, she's brought it back round to her again.

She's not at the centre of the universe.

ilovesooty · 13/01/2013 00:48

I wouldn't get involved in any protracted discussion about it. The more you analyse it and the more dialogue there is the more she controls you.

If you simply say you want your stepmother there that means your mother has to take responsibility for her own decisions, emotions and behaviour.

ilovesooty · 13/01/2013 00:51

Subtle as a fucking brick

Spot on.

LineRunner · 13/01/2013 00:54

This is about your dad.

You and your dad.

You'll get there in the end. Just bear that in mind, though. You have two parents and neither of them gets to gatekeep whether or not you can have a loving relationship with the other.

Thing like weddings can be a symptom. They are rarely a solution. But think ahead - your mother will get stuck into your DC next. Be careful.

Original poster

weddingfamilywoes · 13/01/2013 00:56

This is probably accurate.

Although she doesn't deserve any sympathy due to her bad behaviour and emotional blackmail, I do think this will be very hard for her, and I feel bad that she will have to go through it.

OP posts:

MrsHoarder · 13/01/2013 00:56

Agree that she is being ott. So there will be a man who broke her heart 20 years ago present with his wife. She us an adult who should have taken steps to get over him so as to not make every big event in her children's lives about her divorce instead of them.

Tell her you will ask your dad and wife not to speak to her but that you expect her to not create a load of drama about it. That a family wedding is a good time to celebrate love, practise forgiveness and act like grown ups, not teenagers.

You may be more tactful than me i'm sometimes blunt to the point of causing offense but someone needs to tell her to get over herself. Does she have any siblings who would talk to her?

Original poster

weddingfamilywoes · 13/01/2013 01:00

Well after 20 years, as you can probably imagine, she is not really a rational person. I can't imagine her reasoning through her or other people's actions and feelings in a rational way. She does have siblings, but I can't imagine this conversation taking place and anything real coming out of it. I think most people try to avoid upsetting her.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 13/01/2013 01:02

If they treat her like that everyone is enabling her selfish and damaging behaviour. And she knows it, by the sound of it.

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2013 01:06

Feeling sympathy because you know it'll be hard is fine, but don't feel responsible for her needy, attention seeking behaviour.

She must put a lot of energy into working herself up with this 20 years afterwards, who could be arsed eh?

That says she's using it for her own ends, and she's not fussed who she involves, even her own DD on her wedding day FFS.

I wouldn't even ask your Dad and SM not to speak to her, surely they would know not to go within 100 meters of her, your Dad lived with her presumably and knows full well what she's like.

Asking them is taking responsibility for their behaviour too, what those three adults do is their own affair, and you've got bigger and better things to be thinking of than whether there's going to be dramatics from immediate family on your wedding day (which are inevitable in even the most outwardly respectable families I have my own wedding day as a reminder )

Focus on things which will make you happy and need your attention, leave them to her their squabbles.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2013 01:07

"I think most people try to avoid upsetting her."
And you are all paying the price for that.

Casmama · 13/01/2013 01:10

Sorry if I've missed ou addressing this but can ou rope in one of your siblings to look after her on the day? Yes she is manipulating ou and she may be a drama queen on he day but if she has one on one support on he day would that make it easier?

I would be tempted to email back and say to her not o read anything into it, you love her very much and want her to be there. Inviting sm is no reflection on her at all and she shouldn't think that it is anything o do with her. O will ask DF and SM to give her a wide berth but they will be invited and o don't want o discuss it again.

Casmama · 13/01/2013 01:11

Sorry for all missed letters.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 13/01/2013 01:11

Only read page one so sorry if I've missed loads.

It sounds to me as though your mum is being very selfish!

I really think you should invite your dads wife and tell your mum to grow up.

Its terrible that he had to miss the graduations because of all this. Its ridiculous and its got to stop!

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2013 01:13

Oooh, it just makes me froth on your behalf that she's making you run around after her at a time when she should be supporting you.

Original poster

weddingfamilywoes · 13/01/2013 01:13

I don't think my siblings would be particularly happy for me to open this can of worms and then have to deal with it on the day, especially since they didn't invite SM to their weddings. One of my bridesmaids has offered to babysit though if necessary to take the stress off me. I'm not sure how much she can realistically help, but it's a nice offer.

OP posts:

CointreauVersial · 13/01/2013 01:17

It's YOUR DAY, not hers! Do what YOU want, not what she'd like you to do.

Can she not see past her own feelings??! Makes me so cross....

ilovesooty · 13/01/2013 01:17

What your siblings chose to do isn't relevant: you have your own choice to make.

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2013 01:18

Fingers crossed the rest of your family will band together unasked to protect you from her on the day.

I did read your thread at the time but can't remember whether you said, what does your DH make of it all? It's his wedding day too. What's his family like?

Original poster

weddingfamilywoes · 13/01/2013 01:21

Future DH is really annoyed by my mum (based on past and present behaviour). He sees her behaviour more objectively than me, but is always supportive of my choices.

ie. basically he thinks we should invite SM, thinks my mum is and always has acted like a child, but most of all just wants me to be happy.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 13/01/2013 01:27

TBH it sounds like your DMum will have a tantrum even if your DDad comes to the wedding on his own. The SM issue is just a distraction.
At the moment she is focusing on winning the battle to keep your SM away. Once she is confident that she has won that battle, I suspect she will start to apply pressure to encourage you to ensure that your DDad stays away too. It sounds like it all has to happen how she wants.

And tell her that the only reason people will be looking at her is if she makes a spectacle of herself on the day - she's not in Eastenders.

ilovesooty · 13/01/2013 01:30

Your future husband sounds realistic, sensible and supportive. Listen to him.

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2013 01:31

That's good that your DH sees through her, you might need that if you decide you've had enough of the way she treats you.

Quite a lot of what you've said is similar to my own mum, but she's much more subtle about it...if you don't know the shape the games take, which I thankfully do now.

But she'd never have put the shit she pulls ahead of me on my wedding day, because that would have been selfish to the point of irrationality.

To do that would take someone so wrapped up in the bubble of their unhappy existence that they couldn't see past the bubble to care about other people, even if they genuinely love them.

And that's your mum.

This isn't something she should have put on you, she must know that to have said what she said at first, but she couldn't loose her grip on her old ways and was compelled do drag you in.

It's what she's always done, and she thinks it's OK because she's never challenged, so it must be.

oooohhhhyes · 13/01/2013 01:36

I sympathise with you. My DM used to be somewhat like this, though she has matured (now she's in her 70s ) now. I know how difficult this is for you. From an outside POV (always an easy place to be!), I would say, start the dialogue with your mum early. Tell her in an email that you are sorry to be doing this in writing but it's impossible to speak about this to her face to face, much to your regret. You will be inviting all family, inc SM, but as mum is so incredibly important to you, you really hope she can suspend hostilities for your special day and be your mum, not an angry ex-wife.

Is she can't respond to an appeal like this, then she is, sadly an irredeemably toxic influence and although letting her flounce off into the sunset seems terrifying, it may also be liberating. Plus she'll probably turn around when she realises no-one is running after her

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