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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be shouted at when I'm driving?

81 replies

rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 20:57

I could use some outside opinions as I'm sick of arguing about it.....

DP is a nervous passenger, and dare I say a bit of a backseat driver. Typical behaviour includes:
If I'm waiting to pull out of a junction he'll lean forward and look from side to side to see if it's safe to go (quite distracting for me)
Approaching a crossroads about to turn right, a blue car is coming the other way. He'll say "There's a blue car!" (yes I know, I AM looking out of the windscreen!)

The worst thing is if another car is driving badly or some other hazard is developing, he'll just shout "Watch it watch it!" This makes me REALLY nervous, as not only does it make me jump, it don't know WHAT I'm meant to be watching (when I'm already aware of everything going on around me, in full control of the car, and ready to react to whatever's happening that shouldn't be!) - and I end up looking around desperately for whatever I might have missed and start panicking!

Today in the supermarket car park, we were just leaving - I was driving along doing 10mph at the most . Another car was about to pull out of the petrol station car park in front of me, it was my right of way but he was going a bit fast so I had the brake covered ready to stop if he didn't. DP suddenly shouts "WATCH IT!" - so I panicked, and wouldn't have been ready to brake any more as it completely threw me (but luckily the other car DID stop!)
I said to DP "Please don't shout watch it at me when I'm driving - you need to just let me drive!"

Now DP has taken offense to this. He DOES have reasons for being nervous which I won't go into (not my standard of driving btw!), but he's now saying I'm being controlling and telling him to do stuff, I'm taking everything personally, and I'm trying to change him.

I DON'T want to change him (I love him to bits how he is!), I just don't want him to shout at me when I'm driving as it makes me jump and makes ME nervous! I'm not taking it personally - he was shouting because of the OTHER car. Am I being controlling? I don't think I am!

AIBU? (I don't mind if you tell me I am - I genuinely want to know!)

OP posts:
MrsTomHardy · 01/09/2012 21:00

YANBU

Noqontrol · 01/09/2012 21:01

That would piss me off. I'd threaten to chuck him out of the car and make him walk home unless he agrees to button it!! Grin

FriedEggsAndHam · 01/09/2012 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neuroticmumof3 · 01/09/2012 21:02

YANBU. How are you supposed to concentrate on driving with him behaving like that? I know it's really harsh but I would be tempted to ban him from being my passenger on the grounds he's a hazard! Has he received any MH support for his fears? Perhaps CBT might help relax him, or hypnosis?

squeakytoy · 01/09/2012 21:03

Just make him do the driving.

MyCatHasStaff · 01/09/2012 21:05

YAdefNBU. Can he drive? Tell him you got your licence after a test just like everyone else, you don't need him yelling while you're driving. My SBXH used to do this, so I started randomly yelling while he was driving. He didn't like it either.

MagicHouse · 01/09/2012 21:07

YANBU. That sounds very distracting and potentially dangerous, not controlling at all. Have you made it very clear that what he's doing makes it difficult for you to concentrate and drive safely?

Maybe you could say that shouting "watch it" without being specific is quite frightening as it could mean all sorts of things... "speed up someone's about to crash into the back of you/ swerve, someone's run into your path/ brake...... " etc etc..... though thinking about it, saying this might make it worse in that you'd get a running commentary about what might happen instead!

LindyHemming · 01/09/2012 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bitbewildered · 01/09/2012 21:11

A running commentary would at least let the OP know what the panic is about though! He would be banned from my car. YADNBU.

Funnylittleturkishdelight · 01/09/2012 21:11

My exh used to lean over and hit my car horn.

Drove. Me. Insane.

You are the driver, you have requirements for the driving conditions you need.

I would deal with his other issues, as unchallenged they are causing these problems between you.

Original poster
rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 21:14

He can drive yes, and he drives a lot more than me normally so I understand it being weird for him when he DOESN'T have to concentrate!

He's also not used to me doing the driving - I passed my test 6 weeks ago (first time, but after 18 months of practice)

He says he's a "doer" and wants to know what I want him to do - I just said "nothing!" (and tried to explain I don't mean he's not allowed to talk to me at ALL when i'm driving!)

OP posts:
StormGlass · 01/09/2012 21:14

YANBU. His behaviour sounds extremely distracting and annoying to say the very least. That's taking backseat driving to a whole new level.

From what you say, he doesn't seem to understand that shouting "Watch it!" with no explanation is actually making you more likely to crash the car.

Have you tried talking to him about it when you're not in the car? He might be more willing to listen to sense when he's not stressing about being a passenger.

ivykaty44 · 01/09/2012 21:17

broken record - I am driving will you stop distracting me otherwise we will bloody crash - keep saying it. He is a danger as a passenger.

I hate it now my dd2 is cycling as she sits in the passenger seat and looks out the window to see if it is clear - I have told her to sit back and give me full vision as it is blardy dangerous as I can't see. Easier with a 13 year old BSD than a fully grown adult though.

YANBU

Original poster
rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 21:17

Haha MagicHouse that's EXACTLY the problem with "Watch it!"
Once on a roundabout when I was still learning he shouted it, and not knowing what to do I swerved - it turned out he actually meant that he thought the car behind was going to fast and he wanted me to speed up! (This was in HIS car)
So yes - I think I WOULD prefer a running commentary! Grin

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 01/09/2012 21:21

I would crash the car definitely if someone did this to me. DH used to shout BRAKE at me when I was already braking, this would make me stop what I was doing, mistakenly thinking that I was doing the wrong thing.

However, that was when I was learning. He just goes to sleep now Grin

ModreB · 01/09/2012 21:22

I am a nervous passenger, and I have to sit with my eyes closed so I can't see what DH is doing when he is driving. And he is a Driving Instructor! Grin

So, YADNBU.

Squitten · 01/09/2012 21:23

God, he sounds like me Blush

I'm a nervous passenger and am often guilty of this kind of stuff. I now either sit in the back with the kids or bring a book to keep my eyes off the road so I shut up. Works better all round.

YANBU

holyfishnets · 01/09/2012 21:26

You could compromise. He cold tell you things calmly/quietly and not shout them out.

Ephiny · 01/09/2012 21:27

YANBU, that sounds unhelpful to say the least, and dangerous at worst.

I would stop and tell him to get out and walk home, and I'd mean it. I don't tolerate being shouted at not that DH would dare.

I don't think it's 'controlling' to want to be able to drive without being shouted at, what a strange thing to say.

bogeyface · 01/09/2012 21:28

Ex used to do this, and actually almost caused a major accident by yelling and I almost went off the road. Twat.

Have you explained that you are far more likely to have an accident if he is "helping" than if he STFU? Oh and mine used to "brake" all the time and I had to remind him that it wasnt a dual control car Hmm

Thank goodness that H doesnt drive, he is pathetically grateful for me taking him anywhere and wouldnt dream of criticising me or he knows he would be walking :o

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/09/2012 21:35

If a passenger in my car did that, I would ask them politely to stop it, once. If they did it again, I would stop at the next safe place and give them the choice either to get out and walk home, or to be absolutely quiet whilst I drove on.

His behaviour is actively dangerous, and he should know better if he is a driver. Stop him now before he causes an accident.

TheSitChewAceChien · 01/09/2012 21:36

YANBU.
He is very much being U.
Especially as you're a fairly new driver. Shouting is so distracting.

I hate back seat drivers.
My XH once reached over and tried to change my gears! (semi automatic)
Grrrr!

NurseRatched · 01/09/2012 21:38

No, YANBU. Speaking [even] as a non driver

nutellaontoast · 01/09/2012 21:41

Hmmmm last time my dad tried to comment on my driving (in a ruddy awkward borrowed manual car with a tiny engine and no power steering - not having driven one for 20 years he wouldn't have had a HOPE) I observed that as he is fully comp he could drive if he wanted to. He piped down up very quickly indeed.

Anyway, what sort of BS is "you're trying to change me?" Sometimes, changing? It's a fucking good thing. Such as when one's partner is being dangerous, and a bit of an arse. Never, never be afraid to point that out and try to resolve the situation. Change can be for the better.

nutellaontoast · 01/09/2012 21:42
  • piped DOWN. Grrrr. God I would love an edit function.
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