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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be shouted at when I'm driving?

81 replies

rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 20:57

I could use some outside opinions as I'm sick of arguing about it.....

DP is a nervous passenger, and dare I say a bit of a backseat driver. Typical behaviour includes:
If I'm waiting to pull out of a junction he'll lean forward and look from side to side to see if it's safe to go (quite distracting for me)
Approaching a crossroads about to turn right, a blue car is coming the other way. He'll say "There's a blue car!" (yes I know, I AM looking out of the windscreen!)

The worst thing is if another car is driving badly or some other hazard is developing, he'll just shout "Watch it watch it!" This makes me REALLY nervous, as not only does it make me jump, it don't know WHAT I'm meant to be watching (when I'm already aware of everything going on around me, in full control of the car, and ready to react to whatever's happening that shouldn't be!) - and I end up looking around desperately for whatever I might have missed and start panicking!

Today in the supermarket car park, we were just leaving - I was driving along doing 10mph at the most . Another car was about to pull out of the petrol station car park in front of me, it was my right of way but he was going a bit fast so I had the brake covered ready to stop if he didn't. DP suddenly shouts "WATCH IT!" - so I panicked, and wouldn't have been ready to brake any more as it completely threw me (but luckily the other car DID stop!)
I said to DP "Please don't shout watch it at me when I'm driving - you need to just let me drive!"

Now DP has taken offense to this. He DOES have reasons for being nervous which I won't go into (not my standard of driving btw!), but he's now saying I'm being controlling and telling him to do stuff, I'm taking everything personally, and I'm trying to change him.

I DON'T want to change him (I love him to bits how he is!), I just don't want him to shout at me when I'm driving as it makes me jump and makes ME nervous! I'm not taking it personally - he was shouting because of the OTHER car. Am I being controlling? I don't think I am!

AIBU? (I don't mind if you tell me I am - I genuinely want to know!)

OP posts:

NurseRatched · 01/09/2012 21:42

However... having grown up in a car-less home I have been guilty of being a nervous, gaspy passenger. I now realise how upsetting/distracting this was for the driver concerned, and have apologised accordingly

Original poster

rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 21:46

He says it's very much a knee jerk reaction and he can't help it with the "watch it" thing - and to be fair he HAS been commenting less on my driving since the blue car comment (he didn't like it when I called him Hyacinth!)

He's prepared to try reading a book as Squitten suggested

(He also would like me to add that I am only typing this as he very kindly fixed my computer for me earlier....and thinks you are all a bunch of witches! I think he's joking before you all tell me to leave the bastard........ )

OP posts:

wherearemyGOLDsocks · 01/09/2012 21:47

It's so dangerous. My Dsis used to do this when I was driving her and her pfb. She was terrible for it whoever was driving. Now she can drive herself, she doesn't do it at all anymore.

nutellaontoast · 01/09/2012 21:50

Honest to god I'd say exactly the same thing whatever gender the protagonists in this story happened to be .

Want a witches hat now.

CocktailsAndFriedChicken · 01/09/2012 21:52

If he doesn't do it to taxi drivers too, it isn't a knee jerk reaction, he CAN help it and it IS directed at you.

Shut up, get a cab or walk.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/09/2012 21:52

You're right, his behaviour is bloody dangerous. It distracts your attention from the road whilst you're driving and is very likely to cause an accident. If he can't control himself he's not safe to be a passenger.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/09/2012 21:57

I accept that he probably has very good reasons for being nervous. I'm not trying to attack him for having anxieties, just pointing out that his reactions could have very serious consequences.

Original poster

rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 21:58

It's not just me - I've seen him doing it when other people have been driving (although never a taxi driver - and then it was "slow down!" instead of "watch it!" and I had a free hand to poke him with as it wasn't me driving!)

I think he gets it from his mum - she's exactly the same when it's his dad driving. Can backseat driving BE genetic?

OP posts:

Lambzig · 01/09/2012 22:02

DH does this with me (and anyone else who drives him) so I dont usually drive him, he prefers to be the driver, fine with me.

As I am pg at the moment he has taken the opportunity to have a beer when we have been out with friends as I have offered to drive. I am not going to do it anymore as he always shouts at me and its just horrendous.

NurseRatched · 01/09/2012 22:04

@ Lambzig - although congratulations to you both otherwise

CaliforniaLeaving · 01/09/2012 22:06

He's the one who'd going to cause an accident.
My Dh makes comments and I ask him if he wants to drive. He says no I tell him them shut up cause I'm driving. When he moans I tell him I've been driving since I was 19 and have never had an accident or a speeding ticket, so sit back and bite your tongue.

hectorthestandbyhawk · 01/09/2012 22:06

I don't carry Dp ad a passenger. He'd drive me nuts.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 01/09/2012 22:25

You are not being controlling, HE is by trying to take over the "driver" role while in the passenger seat.

My DH can be like this, he had a bad accident as a passenger years before i met him and blames that for making him a nervous and vocal passenger. I have tried to point out that has nothing to do with MY driving and I have never caused an accident but he still won't STFU. Now I tend to just let him drive (and enjoy a glass of if I fancy it, has its advantages) because I can't be arsed having yet another fight with him, especially not now with DS in the back.

Op I agree tell him to STFU get a cab or walk, and I hope you have better luck than I did.

Beamur · 01/09/2012 22:35

If he can't be a quiet passive passenger then you should let him drive. It's more dangerous to have a nervy passenger as it really messes your concentration. I've been driving for over 20 years and have never had an accident - my Mum panicked me driving once and I turned into a one way road (4 lanes of fast moving traffic) the wrong way. Luckily I realised very quickly what I'd done and got off the road asap. I shouted at her a lot. She hasn't done it again!
I rarely drive when out with my DP as he is a rubbish passenger, he fidgets, constantly presses buttons, throws sweets (accidentally) all over the place (and so on) - so he drives.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2012 22:43

"If he can't be a quiet passive passenger then you should let him drive" - no no no!

a) you are a new driver and need the practice
b) I know several women who have passed their tests only for their driving to dwindle down to nothing and tehn give up because they never drove their DH

Go with SDTG - "If a passenger in my car did that, I would ask them politely to stop it, once. If they did it again, I would stop at the next safe place and give them the choice either to get out and walk home, or to be absolutely quiet whilst I drove on. "

EllenParsons · 01/09/2012 22:46

YANBU

My mum does this to my dad all the time and it's ridiculous. The one time I drove my dad's car with the two of them in it they both did it to me and I thought that's it, never driving them again!!

Original poster

rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 23:03

Thank you Kewcumber !
That's the exact reason I won't let him drive instead! I need the practice - I've been driving myself to work for the past month (it's a bit self indulgent as it's only about a mile away but it's practice!) - and I'm getting better and more confident - I LOVE driving on my own, and I'm off to visit a friend who lives 120 miles away on my own in a couple of weeks which I'm really looking forward to (on my own!).
I've done Pass Plus too (mainly for the motorway practice) and my instructor didn't seem worried about my driving so I must be OK.

I'm off to the Argos a few miles away to pick a couple of things up tomorrow and DP has just asked if he can cadge a lift. I have said yes, wish me luck!

OP posts:

Original poster

rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 23:04

ooops - just said "on my own" way too many times!

OP posts:

bogeyface · 02/09/2012 01:32

If he does start on the way to Argos then do pull over and ask him to either STFU or walk!

AdoraBell · 02/09/2012 03:23

YANBU

I have in the past offered my OH the opportunity to get out and walk and he knows that if he turns into his father complete control freak I will never again drive, ever.

Have you explained that his reactions distract you and so cause a potential dangerous situation? Could you learn to ignore him, not easy I know.

VisionaryGoat · 02/09/2012 03:44

I would have to kill him, or maybe just sling him out of the car and make him walk

I'm a pretty good driver - almost 14 years on the road and no accidents or speeding fines

The one very near miss (cars came within a hair of each other and mine damn nearly ended up in a ditch) that I have ever had was because my ex (silly backseat driver) shouted: 'fuck, look out!' in such loud hysterical tones of anguish that I was so freaked out by that my eyes involuntarily went to him - and of course because I was looking at the nobber flapping about in the passenger seat promptly nearly hit what he was helpfully warning me about - a car slowing down in front of me.

Well done on spotting that then I would never have seen that if you hadn't been distracting me with your frothing and screeching in the passenger seat. Twat.

I'm not keen on people who pump imaginary brakes or takes sharp inward breaths at every turn or acceleration - but at least I can kind of tune them out and not be substantially distracted. People suddenly bellowing at me totally freaks me out though and is so very dangerous.

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 02/09/2012 06:03

Whoa! Who is the controlling one here? He needs to get a grip. Pretty strong sentiments for a perfectly reasonable request. Any new driver needs time and patience to start driving for themselves.

If anything - he's the one more likely to cause you to make an error so he's a danger to your driving.

OHforDUCKScake · 02/09/2012 06:39

YADNBU.

I passed my test 3-4 months ago so dp has been a little bit like this because he was probably a bit nervous and also I think he thought he was helping.

To get out of my road its a very busy junction and you have to have some balls when its rush hour, but he'd look left and right get your fucking head out the way and suddenly exclaim "GO GO GO GO!" which would make me panic and go when Im not ready. It really wound me up. He didnt like being told it either! And shouting "STOP!" when I was trying to park. It literally had me shaking!

The only thing I can think of is to do it once to him when he's driving, as an 'example'.

BlueyDragon · 02/09/2012 07:16

YANBU to want him not to shout at you when you're driving, and it sounds to me more like he's the controlling party here, not you! My DH is a very poor passenger because as a very experienced and capable driver himself and as I have terrible spatial awareness he finds it really hard to watch me do it differently. Doesn't stop him letting me drive home from parties though .

But he would never shout at me whilst I was driving and would never make judgments for me. Sometimes I might ask him to look for me at a tricky junction and I do the same for him, but we know enough to sit back.

If you can, I'd just explain to him that he can contribute but constructively, specifically (not "Watch out!" because WTF does that mean?), calmly and without compromising your ability to judge what to do with the tonne or so of metal of which you are in control. Also if he is worried about your relative lack of experience, you aren't going to get any if someone else is making all the decisions and undermining your confidence.

BlueyDragon · 02/09/2012 07:25

For those cursed with passengers that like to do this sharp intake of breath thing, take them on holiday. The driving in Naples and Moscow is particularly good for curing this as they won't take a breath between the airport and the hotel otherwise .

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