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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be shouted at when I'm driving?

81 replies

rubydoobydoo · 01/09/2012 20:57

I could use some outside opinions as I'm sick of arguing about it.....

DP is a nervous passenger, and dare I say a bit of a backseat driver. Typical behaviour includes:
If I'm waiting to pull out of a junction he'll lean forward and look from side to side to see if it's safe to go (quite distracting for me)
Approaching a crossroads about to turn right, a blue car is coming the other way. He'll say "There's a blue car!" (yes I know, I AM looking out of the windscreen!)

The worst thing is if another car is driving badly or some other hazard is developing, he'll just shout "Watch it watch it!" This makes me REALLY nervous, as not only does it make me jump, it don't know WHAT I'm meant to be watching (when I'm already aware of everything going on around me, in full control of the car, and ready to react to whatever's happening that shouldn't be!) - and I end up looking around desperately for whatever I might have missed and start panicking!

Today in the supermarket car park, we were just leaving - I was driving along doing 10mph at the most . Another car was about to pull out of the petrol station car park in front of me, it was my right of way but he was going a bit fast so I had the brake covered ready to stop if he didn't. DP suddenly shouts "WATCH IT!" - so I panicked, and wouldn't have been ready to brake any more as it completely threw me (but luckily the other car DID stop!)
I said to DP "Please don't shout watch it at me when I'm driving - you need to just let me drive!"

Now DP has taken offense to this. He DOES have reasons for being nervous which I won't go into (not my standard of driving btw!), but he's now saying I'm being controlling and telling him to do stuff, I'm taking everything personally, and I'm trying to change him.

I DON'T want to change him (I love him to bits how he is!), I just don't want him to shout at me when I'm driving as it makes me jump and makes ME nervous! I'm not taking it personally - he was shouting because of the OTHER car. Am I being controlling? I don't think I am!

AIBU? (I don't mind if you tell me I am - I genuinely want to know!)

OP posts:

FeersumEndjinn · 02/09/2012 07:43

YANBU - but try to keep your discussions on the subject impersonal and unemotional. "I need a calm atmosphere in the car if I'm going to drive safely. If there's a shout from inside the car at the same time as a hazard outside the car it distracts my attention from driving and could cause an accident"

ChasedByBees · 02/09/2012 09:10

The accusation of being controlling and trying to change him would drive me nuts. Why wouldn't you want him to stop something which is so dangerous?

CoffeeDog · 02/09/2012 09:46

My DH 'waves' at people if they let me out of a road etc.... It really pisses me off...,. I AM DRIVING not you....

I usually chuck him in the back with 2 of the Dc's and have one DC in the front... they then repeatedly 'punch him' when they see a yellow car.... i smirk EVERY time ;)

Mizza76 · 02/09/2012 09:49

My mother in law also does the leaning forward thing, blocking my view. She doesn't have a license!!!!

TheWalkingDead · 02/09/2012 09:59

My mum shouts out and gasps and is generally quite critical of my driving - she has a license and I have to tell her sometimes that she can't do it as it makes me jump and panic, when there's no need.

A few months ago, DH decided to criticise my driving and so I got out of the car and refused to drive any further. We had a stand off as he wouldn't get out of the car, but I just told him I wasn't going to be made to feel crap because he seemed to have a problem with his control issues. He doesn't criticise anymore.

Mibby · 02/09/2012 10:02

My gran once leaned across in fron of me to clean a smear off the windscreen. At 70 mph on the M1! I said then i would never drive her again if she moved an inch from the passenger seat :)

FaintingGoat · 02/09/2012 10:06

Oh, YADNBU! I am currently having lessons and have just bought a car, DP and I went out in it for the first time yesterday. He did manage to keep his mouth closed, but he couldn't keep his feet still, going for the imaginary clutch, it was like he was doing Riverdance in the passenger seat!

InkyBinky · 02/09/2012 10:10

YANBU, at all, not a teeny weeny bit.

Catsmamma · 02/09/2012 10:15

Make him sit in the back!

WillowTheWhispers · 02/09/2012 10:25

YANBU

My ex did this although it wasnt in cars as we both didnt drive but when crossing roads. so halfway across with newborn in pram he would yell "MOVE" and panic me so much Id end up standing still in the middle of the road shielding the pram!!!

NoMoreNotNever · 02/09/2012 10:26

My P did this - every time he'd shoot his foot down on his imaginary brake I would involuntarily look over and down. Where I needed to be looking was up and around, of course.

TheArmadillo · 02/09/2012 10:30

I have an anxiety disorder and do sometimes panic when others are driving. To get round it I close my eyes.

It is dangerous irregardless of anything else and him having problems with other people's driving or issues or whatever is not an excuse to do this. Its something he needs to find a way to deal with.

Original poster

rubydoobydoo · 02/09/2012 13:25

Well we#re off to Argos - he's taking a book, maybe we could try some Aversion Therapy!!

One thing he HAS stopped doing - when I was learning and had to stop at traffic lights, the minute they started to change and I was trying to find the biting point he'd go "LET'S GO!!!" - which usually had the effect of making me stall! I managed to nip that one in the bud, here's hoping that "Watch it!" will go the same way!

OP posts:

FaintingGoat · 03/09/2012 13:05

How did your drive to Argos go, Ruby?

DP and I went to the supermarket yesterday so I drove, for practice. Another road joins ours at a funny angle so I was having a good look around before letting the handbrake off, and he says "handbrake!" He got A LOOK. He apologised and said he knew as soon as he said it that he shouldn't have.

Original poster

rubydoobydoo · 03/09/2012 13:30

He decided not to come at the last minute so I had a nice relaxing drive by myself!
He DID come with me to pick up a takeaway later on though and tried his best to hold his tongue in the very small busy car park - I'll let him off for only saying "mind the wall!" once lol!

OP posts:

StormGlass · 03/09/2012 15:16

At least "mind the wall!" is more specific than "Watch it!".....

ClippedPhoenix · 03/09/2012 15:22

My DP used to do this until I told him that if I needed his advice I'd ask for it and if he couldn't help himself trying to take control then bloody well get out and walk or be sent to the back seat with a bag on his head

ErrorError · 05/09/2012 13:48

My DP did this all the time and we'd end up bickering, and I'd get stressed out. He thinks I'm a bit of a crap driver but I only seem to make mistakes/stall when he is my passenger, he makes me nervous. After the last fiasco (of him ordering me to change lanes - too soon - and me nearly clipping the side of a bus), we now have an agreement where unless he can say something constructive and non-condescending, he is not allowed to comment on my driving at all. If he complains, he's insured on my car and I will pull over at a safe place so he can drive. I think it's a control thing. He also didn't learn to drive for many years because his school friend died in an accident, so he's naturally over-cautious. Don't think I've said anything that will help you specifically, but I can totally identify with your situation Ruby

trixie123 · 05/09/2012 15:20

DP learnt to drive after we got together and I must admit I did do this to him quite a lot at the start (though I would point out a specific thing in a normal tone, not shout random warnings) but there were many occasions when had I NOT done so, he admits there may have been an accident because he hadn't seen it. It was usually to do with anticipating a problem developing. He has now been driving some years and I virtually never do it. Give your DP time, 6 weeks is not long to had your license and the time you spent learning is not the same.

hopkinsthewitchfindergeneral · 07/09/2012 20:07

roobydoobydoo

The above is completely and utterly your fault.

Your DP is completely reasonable and in the right, if you don't want him to spacker, it is simple, drive better!

now that you know this. You have solved your problem instantly and forever

so simple, when you think it thorough !

StormGlass · 07/09/2012 20:31

hopkinsthewitchfindergeneral, are you secretly roobydoobydoo's DP??

Original poster

rubydoobydoo · 07/09/2012 20:45

^^that actually is my DP right up there so don't listen to a word he says!
ummm... sorry mumsnet

OP posts:

NoMoreNotNever · 08/09/2012 08:28

Backseat typing, too.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 08/09/2012 09:05

Agree with kew - every time he does this if it is safe, pull in the car and ask him to be quiet, oh and tell him not to sneak on to mumsnet BAD DP !

nutellaontoast · 08/09/2012 15:44

I'm glad the DP is on MN so he can see what an arse the WHOLE REST OF THE WORLD thinks he is being :P .

Unless you can give calm, CONSTRUCTIVE help well ahead of time DP, button it. And I say that as someone whose partner has just started driving so I do appreciate how alarming it can be.

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