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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to allow my dd and her bf to be in her room alone with door closed

93 replies

msnaughty · 01/09/2012 20:24

my daughter is 15, so is her bf. They have been here all day yesterday and today. but also had another female friend with them. the friend has now gone home. so now its just dd and her bf. they have closed the door to stop her younger siblings running and anoying them.

we have been open about sex and i have told her never to have sex until she is ready and there is no rush, and if she ever does she is to make sure she protects herself. but have also said i would rather she did not do anything till she is a bit older. but by me allowing them to shut the door am i giving them permission to be sexual.

is it a case that if they are doing something they will find away anyway and its saver under my roof.

to be honest i dont think they would do anything. but im thinking maybe i should make them open the door.

OP posts:

FuzzzyDuckosaurus · 01/09/2012 20:30

At 15 I wouldn't have had the nerve to have sex in my room with my parents down the stairs. If they were out however...

beamme · 01/09/2012 20:31

I remember what I was like at 15 and what happened when the door was closed. If it was my dd I would want the door open. Maybe go up and ask if they want a drink/snack and leave the door open when you leave.

Gumby · 01/09/2012 20:32

I'd get her on the pill ASAP!

BorisJohnsonsHair · 01/09/2012 20:33

I went through the same thought process, but you just have to trust her to do the "right" thing. I'm sure they're probably snogging etc up there, but that's just normal teenage behaviour, and certainly behaviour you wouldn't want your parents or siblings to see. I think you have to let them have a bit of privacy; if you were encouraging them by leaving condoms laying around or something, then that would be different. I think by making her keep the door open, it would seem that you DON'T trust her.

Ragwort · 01/09/2012 20:34

My parents never allowed me to 'entertain' boyfriends in my bedroom, at the time I thought they were really mean, now I appreciate their reasons and respect their views.

I will not allow my DS to have girl friends in his room.

pickofthepops · 01/09/2012 20:34

I would follow up tomorrow with the same sensible chat you have done so far.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 01/09/2012 20:36

My parents never allowed me to 'entertain' boyfriends in my bedroom, at the time I thought they were really mean, now I appreciate their reasons and respect their views.

^^ ditto, with bells on. Girls are not allowed upstairs (not whilst I'm in the house, can't legislate for what happens when I'm not )

Margerykemp · 01/09/2012 20:38

How well do you know the bf?

Original poster

msnaughty · 01/09/2012 20:38

i had no intrest in boys when was 15 so cant even think when i was 15.... it is rather difficult because i do understand she does not want her brothers running in and out. but by the same token at least i know she is safe here. i think we need to have another talk about protecting herself. i should buy her some condoms just so they are there but also explain it does not mean im givning her permission.

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 01/09/2012 20:40

Nope - the door needs to be open.

Ours are 17(ds) and 14(dd). I hate the thought of either of them entertaining under our roof. OTH, DS came home late last night with 5 mates (all male). I have a vague recollection of ds telling me they were staying at about 1am and mumbling something about the spare rooms not being made up and sleeping bags. I also had to work this morning. To be perfectly frank anything could have gone on if a couple of girls had been there and I would have been none the wiser.

It's jolly hard being a parent.

squeakytoy · 01/09/2012 20:40

She isnt going to have sex while you are in the house...

BlueMoon74 · 01/09/2012 20:40

I know what I was doing at 15 in rooms with closed doors! It might not have been full sex, but definitely not what I'd want my 15 yr old to do in my house with a 15 yr old bf! (in my parent's defence, I never did anything in their house, just at my 17yr old bf's house whose mother didn't care!!!)

Wigglewoo · 01/09/2012 20:42

I'd keep going up and bringing them tea :) :) they will be so on edge they won't bother trying anything :)

maras2 · 01/09/2012 20:43

Not what you want to hear but at her age,DH (yes still together 44 years on) and I took every opportunity to have a quickie.Can't believe I wrote that,old gimmer me.Good luck though. Mx.

DrWhoTakeTwo · 01/09/2012 20:45

they wont be having sex with you in the house, snogging and maybe a grope yes at 15 i dont think id be too worried especially if id been open regarding sex and talking if they were any younger id insist on door open though

Nemonemo · 01/09/2012 20:45

Oooo they might not be fully at it, but come on, we all know what's going on behind that door!!

I'd be opening it!

Original poster

msnaughty · 01/09/2012 20:46

boris: thats what i was partly thinking i need to make sure she is safe. but also dont want to give her permisson. i know they have been doing the kissing. my 5 year old has een running into me saying mummy they are kissing like this: and moves his lips like a gold fish.

marg: she has known him since primary school, but they did loose contact for a few years when they both started secondery. i dont know hm that well. athough he does seem a good lad.

OP posts:

GhostShip · 01/09/2012 20:48

Let her leave the door closed, she needs her privacy and if I was her I wouldn't dare anyway! Especially with younger siblings about.
I think making her keep the door open would be embarrasing her, making a big deal out of the whole thing. You're not giving them permission to be sexual at all.

Make sure she's on the pill though, because whether it's at home or not shes got a boyfriend now

It's nice to know shes open with you about it all.

NichyNoo · 01/09/2012 20:49

Speaking for my own experience they will either be having full sex or close to... whether family are in the house or not. Never underestimate the hormones of a 15 year old or indeed the persuasive skills of a hormonal 15 year old boy...

Wigglewoo · 01/09/2012 20:50

Just peed myself laughing at 5 year old's take on kissing :) hahaha!

Original poster

msnaughty · 01/09/2012 20:51

to be honest i think dd would be to scared to do it, although im not really sure. oooooooooo its scary having a teenager.

OP posts:

Noqontrol · 01/09/2012 20:53

My mum used to let me when I was 15. She did pop in and out a lot with offers of tea and sandwiches though

chocoluvva · 01/09/2012 20:54

I do the same as wigglewoo. I knock on the door then just go in anyway....I think if you would be very upset at the thought of them having actual sex or 'heavy petting,' (as they used to say at the swimming pool) I would go and open the door. But they probably wouldn't while the house is occupied with you and the rest of the family.

Original poster

msnaughty · 01/09/2012 20:56

i think im going to leave it closed and have a chat with her when he gos home.

lol wiggle it was really funny. the teens have been embarrassed on and of all day/ with the kids shouting outs whats going on

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 01/09/2012 20:56

You can have sex with the doors open you know

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