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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my dd and her bf to be in her room alone with door closed

93 replies

msnaughty · 01/09/2012 20:24

my daughter is 15, so is her bf. They have been here all day yesterday and today. but also had another female friend with them. the friend has now gone home. so now its just dd and her bf. they have closed the door to stop her younger siblings running and anoying them.

we have been open about sex and i have told her never to have sex until she is ready and there is no rush, and if she ever does she is to make sure she protects herself. but have also said i would rather she did not do anything till she is a bit older. but by me allowing them to shut the door am i giving them permission to be sexual.

is it a case that if they are doing something they will find away anyway and its saver under my roof.

to be honest i dont think they would do anything. but im thinking maybe i should make them open the door.

OP posts:
GhostShip · 01/09/2012 20:56

I lost my virginity at 15. (I know I know, not the best advice giver then) But when in my house we were either playing play station games or watching a film. No rudies.
If they're going to do it, they'll do it. I think I'd rather it were at home safe than outside somewhere.

TellyBug · 01/09/2012 21:00

She won't be shagging while you're there. But I'd trust them with privacy! Maybe they want to have a snog and a grope. Which is normal.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 01/09/2012 21:01

My mum never let me have boys in my room, even when i was older.

Teenage boys can be very persuasive...

Good luck op, i am not looking forward to my girls being teenagers!

Original poster
msnaughty · 01/09/2012 21:03

im thinking the same ghostship, hopefully they wont do anything anyway. but if they do at some point. rather it was a safe place rather than some park or something

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 01/09/2012 21:04

Letting her shut the door does not equal you are happy for her to have sex.

How is it safer in her bed rather than anywhere else?

Original poster
msnaughty · 01/09/2012 21:05

lol sirboob: no way could they have sex with the door open here. the house is way to busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
msnaughty · 01/09/2012 21:07

justfabulous; i mean if she is going to have sex its safer at home rather in some park or somthing.

OP posts:
DrWhoTakeTwo · 01/09/2012 21:08

I think some people think all teenage boys are some sort of sexual predators give them a chance we are way to untrusting of teenagers sometimes. When he goes home have a good talk to her but i do think you have to start showing you can trust your children at some point and 15 seems a good place to start imo

MimsyBorogroves · 01/09/2012 21:08

Lots of things can be done quickly behind briefly closed doors. At 15 I would have killed my adult self for saying it, but I'd be popping in. Or opening the door. Or just running upstairs noisily every few mins.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 01/09/2012 21:10

Maybe go upstairs, sort some washing and hoover outside her room..

coffeeandcream · 01/09/2012 21:10

Boyfriends were not even allowed on the bottom step of the staircase, never mind going in my room when I was her age!
My mum would insist we sat in the lounge with the door wide open, she would walk in and out all the time, join the conversation, then my brother would park his arse and start talking about football and not piss off and I HATED them both for it. Bf came over to see me not my family. A little trust and respect can go a long way, I would really have appreciated it.
As long as you and DD can have open conversations about being safe and respectful I think that's a pretty good start.

Original poster
msnaughty · 01/09/2012 21:14

drwho; i agree i think thats whats im going to do. i think im worrying over nothing really. my dd's friend had sex and did not use anything and they both came to me to find out what to do. and i had to go searching for a chemist on a sunday to get the morning after pill for her. so the fact they came to me says alot really. but i will have an update chat with her about birds/bee's and protection.

OP posts:
ArthurandGeorge · 01/09/2012 21:16

I would leave it shut and continue to try to have a good, honest relationship with her.

To al of those who would go in based upon what they were doing aged 15; firstly were you harmed as a result of it and secondly is it fair to assume that all teenagers are doing the same or not?

chocoluvva · 01/09/2012 21:23

It's impossible to know what they're actually up to unless your DD is very open with you.
When my DD was 14 her BF walked her home one snowy day and came in for hot chocolate and to get warmed up before he walked home again. To my horror they disappeared upstairs with their hot chocolate. I was in a panic. If I told them to come down they would think I was accusing them of getting up to mischief but I was sure that BF's mum, (BF was a particularly nice boy from a very nice family) wouldn't like to think her DS was in my DD's room and didn't like the thought that they might be snogging like mad. It was nearly starting to get dark anyway, so after half an hour I thanked him for walking DD home and sent him off to his own house. Some months later, DD said that no snogging had gone on and it hadn't even entered her head that this was an opportunity for it!
She's nearly 16 now and currently lying on her bed watching a DVD with her BF (a different boy). The first time I saw this I was horrified, but (for various reasons) I'm fairly sure they're not having sex. Some 15Y olds will be, but I don't think all, or even most kids of that age are intent on having sex the at the first chance they get.
Have a good chat with her tomorrow and see what you think.

cantspel · 01/09/2012 21:28

If they want to have sex then they will find somewhere to do it.

They are 15 so are most proabaly at the snog and grope stage so i would let them have the door closed but find alot of little jobs that needed doing so they could hear me going up and down the stairs alot.

Florin · 01/09/2012 21:30

When I was 15 my Mum kept coming in and we weren't left alone so me and my boyfriend ended up having sex in the woods instead. That boyfriend is now my husband however seeing it from the otherside if they want to do it they will but I would prefer they were doing it in safe surroundings.

FelicitywasSarca · 01/09/2012 21:45

Curious, what is 'safer' about having sex in your house as opposed to somewhere else?

Nicer (warmer) perhaps, but safer?

According to the NHS sexual health clinic research 25% of teens will have sex before 16. So that gives some hope. 75% will not. And I'm sure more than 25% have the 'opportunity'. If they are that determined to do it, you just can't stop them. But you can make it more awkward for them (but I have no idea if this makes it overall more or less likely to happen iyswim).

threesocksmorgan · 01/09/2012 21:47

oh op it is a dilema
but I didn't allow my sons door to be shut unless they were both over 16.
I never stopped him having a girl in his room, but I just made sure door was open,

cardibach · 01/09/2012 21:50

'Safer' in that the girl (or boy) would be more likely to say no if they didn;t want to go on if they were in their own home. Away from home, they are more likely to go along with BF/GF suggestions or may not have the confidence to stop. THey can use parents as an excuse at home, too.

I'd leave the door closed. DD used to take her BF up to her room - if anything funny had been goingnon I'd still have heard (seriously defective flooring). SHow you trust her. Talk to her about how you are trusting her too. Puts her under pressure.

chocoluvva · 01/09/2012 21:53

Oh that's a really interesting statistic. I wonder how accurate it is.

Original poster
msnaughty · 01/09/2012 22:05

choco; im not sure if there can really be a stasistic wel not a 100% true one anyway. some teens may not ever admit to having sex before the age of 16

OP posts:
FelicitywasSarca · 01/09/2012 22:07

I heard it about 6 months ago from a sexual health nurse who talks to teenagers as part of her role. She seemed sensible and said the statistic 'feels accurate' to her in her experience of treating teenagers. She was well aware of the problems associated with simply asking teenagers as well!

chocoluvva · 01/09/2012 22:12

Does a sexual health nurse go to schools/teen things or do they go to her? Presumably, if she talks to teens who choose to go to her then there will be lots of others who are sexually active who are not on the NHS 'radar'. On the other hand I've heard that a percentage of teens will falsely claim that they're sexually active (though I've never been convinced about that).
25% seems like a lot to me. I hope the real percentage is lower.
However, it's difficult for any parent to KNOW what their DC is doing..

GhostShip · 01/09/2012 22:32

Not really sure why people don't understand it's obviously safer in your own home rather than outside or in some randoms house

FelicitywasSarca · 01/09/2012 22:33

Both, she works in clinics and does general 'talks' and q&as (this particular nurse I mean, not all sexual health nurses). She specialises in teenagers and education.

I think many teens lie (both claiming and denying) depending on a variety of factors. TBH I'm not sure how they come up with the stat, but she was very knowledgeable/logical/clued in and appeared to know her stuff.

Tbh given my experience of teaching sex ed to teens I was surprised how low that figure was.