to allow my dd and her bf to be in her room alone with door closed

[msnaughty]

my daughter is 15, so is her bf. They have been here all day yesterday and today. but also had another female friend with them. the friend has now gone home. so now its just dd and her bf. they have closed the door to stop her younger siblings running and anoying them.

we have been open about sex and i have told her never to have sex until she is ready and there is no rush, and if she ever does she is to make sure she protects herself. but have also said i would rather she did not do anything till she is a bit older. but by me allowing them to shut the door am i giving them permission to be sexual.

is it a case that if they are doing something they will find away anyway and its saver under my roof.

to be honest i dont think they would do anything. but im thinking maybe i should make them open the door.

My DD says she used to snog with the door closed but wouldn't have wanted to have sex with us in the house as that was a real turn off (she is 30 now)

If that is the way you are choosing to understand the word then I'm not sure why we are worried about the hypothetical teenage boy coercing the hypothetical teenage girl into doing it in a field.

I apologise if I have been over zealous with my understanding of the word, my comments relate to the idea of coercion found in the dictionary-

co·erce (k-ûrs)
tr.v. co·erced, co·erc·ing, co·erc·es

1. To force to act or think in a certain way by use of pressure, threats, or intimidation; compel.
2. To dominate, restrain, or control forcibly: coerced the strikers into compliance. See Synonyms at force.
3. To bring about by force or threat: efforts to coerce agreement.

[Latin coercre, to control, restrain : co-, co- + arcre, to enclose, confine.] co·ercer n. co·erci·ble adj.

Which IMHO would amount to rape.

I see what you're saying there Felicity. Threaten, restrain, force would be rape IMO too. When I think of teenage coercion, I think of the old lines (as in post above) that are trotted out - maybe persuasion would be a better word.

I would be worried about my teenager being persuaded in a field, rather than comfortable to say no - but I think that's more about education and confidence than location.

DD1 has a very nosy younger sister, so of course she'd shut her door.

I might or might not decide to wander in after one tap on the door

To be crude, DD1 would only have to walk to the play house at the top of the garden or into the woods up the road to shag her BF if she wanted to.

Fortunately the only boy she had a soft spot for has left school and I think she'll wait a while (she'd better, she's 14).

My mum would get all funny about my boyfriend being in my bedroom (I was 16) as though sex only happened in bedrooms.

Definitely had sex with mum downstairs!

I think in some ways being restricted makes you get more inventive about finding ways/places/time to have sex!

I agree persuasion is a powerful force in a teenage relationship. However, I remain unconvinced that it is automatically less likely to happen in the home. It is comforting to think our teenagers would be more comfortable saying no in their own homes, but I wonder about the accuracy of this. I think it is probably quite variable although doubtless true for some teenagers.

My mother used to let us close the door (i was 14, first bf) but I never did anything while they were in the house because I had a downstairs bedroom so could be crept up on very easily.
His house though, was a completely different matter.

We were careful (used condoms), we had sex only 7 times in a year but I got pregnant after the condom split and I took the MAP. I would def say sit your daughter down, you don't have to say yeah go ahead and have sex but see where she is in this relationship and suggest a trip to the docs may be a good idea.

I would make them leave the door open.As well as your DD you have a duty towards the underage boy and his parents.

I dont see where you all seem to put the blame for teen sex on the boy. All this coercing on the boys part as though girls dont have sexual feelings of their own which they are more than happy to explore.

It is yet another example of t=mn's belief that boys = bad and girls = good.

I disagree that it is a MN staple cantspel, but I agree we shouldn't be assuming it is the boy doing the coercing/persuading. I deliberately made my last post gender neutral because I was aware the thread was starting to sound like that.

To be fair though, we started off discussing the OPs specific situation and her daughter. So it's natural that the conversation has had a bit of a slant.

I don't see that in these posts. I see people discussing OP's girl and people discussing teenage coercion. I think it's easy to see bad if you expect to see it.

I think you sound like you're doing a great job OP. It's a tricky situation - ultimately if you feel uncomfortable with the thought of them getting sexual (full sex or not) in your house while you're there, then I don't think ywbu in asking them to open the door. But ultimately at the same time, you probably have to face up to the fact that if they both really want to have sex then they'll probably find a way to do it somewhere or other - unless you keep your daughter home alone 24 hours a day, or have abnormally amazing powers of persuasion over her in convincing her she should wait a while.

I think it depends on what you think of the boy, how much you trust your daughter, how strongly you feel she isn't ready to have sex yet, plus what kind of house rules you feel comfortable with given that you have other kids running around too.

You can't control your kids at 15 - all you can do is try your best to equip them with good sense and the ability to make choices based on having thought through the consequences.

She sounds like a sensible girl and obviously tells you 'stuff' (ie the MAP thing) - I think you should trust her, have a chat when the bf is not there reiterating what you've said already. No harm in asking if she is having/is planning to have sex with him.

If they are both 15 I don't think it is the end of the world if they are having happy, safe, consensual sex. Most of my friends lost their virginities between the ages of 14-17. None of them got pregnant (altough there were a few MAPs needed). There was no differences in sexual behaviour between those with strict parents and those who had more permissive parents. The ones with strict parents would just have sex in other people's houses or outside.

My teenage bf didn't have a bedroom door! We would go out for picnics, country walks etc, or I'd go round to his sister's when he was babysitting his niece and nephew. We got up to plenty, and always used condoms. We were 16 when we got together, though.

well i left them in the house alone this morning, so if they were going to do anything they have had the chance. and they have put something infrount of the door so its sort of locked. to stop her bothers walking in. her room is next to my living room.

she is still happy to talk about things so thats good and i do believe its safer at home rather than out somewhere.

the boy does seem very nice and he is good with the younger kids to. there are no bad vibes or anything.

when me and daughter were chatting last night i suggested we get her some condoms just incase. but also explained i would rather she waited as there is plenty of time for that sort of thing. but also i need to know she is safe.