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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to allow my dd and her bf to be in her room alone with door closed

93 replies

msnaughty · 01/09/2012 20:24

my daughter is 15, so is her bf. They have been here all day yesterday and today. but also had another female friend with them. the friend has now gone home. so now its just dd and her bf. they have closed the door to stop her younger siblings running and anoying them.

we have been open about sex and i have told her never to have sex until she is ready and there is no rush, and if she ever does she is to make sure she protects herself. but have also said i would rather she did not do anything till she is a bit older. but by me allowing them to shut the door am i giving them permission to be sexual.

is it a case that if they are doing something they will find away anyway and its saver under my roof.

to be honest i dont think they would do anything. but im thinking maybe i should make them open the door.

OP posts:

JustFabulous · 02/09/2012 08:00

"justfabulous; i mean if she is going to have sex its safer at home rather in some park or somthing."

Why is it safer? Everyone says this but no one ever says what they mean or the reason behind their thinking that.

GhostShip · 02/09/2012 08:07

It's safer because as someone said, it's less likely to be forced if its in their own home.

It's much more likely they'll use protection, more likely to be thought out rather than a quick bonk in a field.

And would you really want your son and daughter having sex outside? I know I wouldn't. I mean I probably want them to be celibate FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES but if it came to it Id want them to be in a safe environment.

JustFabulous · 02/09/2012 08:12

I don't buy those reasons but I accept you feel differently.

sashh · 02/09/2012 08:21

You can have sex with the doors open you know

Standing behind an open door is one option.

lovebunny · 02/09/2012 08:44

just so, sashh. that was my thought, too. and doing it while other people are around might make it more 'forbidden' and therefore appealing.

FelicitywasSarca · 02/09/2012 10:08

I agree JustFab, I think there is certainly an argument that SOME teens are more likely to 'plan' a special night in the field behind X's house at her party, than plan a cozy evening in at home behind a closed bedroom door. (with mum downstairs).

Although the point being less likely to be forced/coerced at home is interesting. I wonder if there is any data to back this up, it sounds reassuring and it would be good if true but I'm not sure.

MrsHoarder · 02/09/2012 10:20

Also at home there's less of a risk of nasty insects and frostbite (particularly in the more northern parts of the UK). Or being able to be sneakily photographed and have it spread across the web.

BarredfromhavingStella · 02/09/2012 10:22

If her parents etc are in the house how likely do you think it is that the bf will try & force her into something she doesn't want to do-in a random house or park the scenario would be pretty different I imagine

On the original question, no I wouldn't make her open the door-when I met dh his mum wouldn't let us go to his room & we were 19!!!! Needless to say as soon as the house was empty (regularly) we were at it like rabbits

Inconceivable · 02/09/2012 10:43

Am I missing something? Why is it so bad if two teenagers that are having a relationship want to have (consensual) sex? Why would you want to stop it as a parent? As long as it is a nice relationship andyou have educated them on pregnancy/sti's etc. then what is the big deal?

LadyFlumpalot · 02/09/2012 10:54

At 15 I would never have even entertained the idea of a snog, let alone a shag. Far too icky!

At 15 a friend of mine was well into double figures on her scoreboard.

Everyone is different.

Not sure what I'll be deciding when DS is older, I suppose it will depend on what he is like, and if I think he's going to be a promiscuous man-whore like his father he's going to be sensible or not.

SoggySummer · 02/09/2012 11:00

Being that I was the younger sibling I am pretty sure my mother used me a deterrent for my older sister and her bf.

Personally I would not like the door closed but appreciate we are all different.

It would take some neck to be actually having sex in a "busy" household of people are frequently walking up and down stairs, on the landing outside.

If you want to leave the door closed but want a deterrent then go upstairs at regular intervals, chat on the landing - talk to younger siblings in their bedrooms, shout upstairs to them if they want a cuppa etc etc.

Trioofprinces · 02/09/2012 11:05

I can still remember having a bf upstairs when I was probably 16, and 'pleasuring him' shall we say. I didn't realise until later that day that I had spunk over my (black) T-shirt and had been downstairs chatting to my parents since.

I was mortified and can't see how they wouldn't have noticed but they didn't say anything.

To his day I have no idea whether they noticed. (I am now 39!)

That said I still think I'd rather they were doing it in my house than in a park, but mine are only 11 and 8 so I reserve the right to change that as they get older!

Mrsjay · 02/09/2012 11:09

they won't have sex with mum in the house I don't think and if they were going to be having sex they would do it wherever IMO. maybe they are not having sex yet anyway, I never had that problem my 2 share a room so no boyfriends in

FelicitywasSarca · 02/09/2012 11:54

There is so much wrong with this statement, it's difficult to know where to start. But I think I'll go with a) why the condecending judgement because people are expressing different opinions to you. B) the likelihood of coercion in the house depends on several points- how much of an arsehole is BF, how big is the house, how secluded is room, how likely are they to be interrupted by a younger sibling, how close it is to his curfew, how much he wants sex at that particular time. C) the likelihood of coercion out of the house is equally variable - how protective are her friends, where do they go together, how secluded is it, and crucially how much of an arsehole is BF.

I can't help thinking if you believe the BF to be the 'type' (rapist) to coerce you shouldn't be letting them be alone either in the house or out of it.

I am a little bit that the 'best' or 'first' way to protect a teenage girl from a teenage predator is to allow him free access to her bedroom.

NB- OP, I am of course not suggesting your daughters BF is a predator- In fact it is quite unlikely that he is. Most teenage boys are not sexual predators.

Signet2012 · 02/09/2012 11:58

It amazes me the full door closes, door opens thing. If she is having sex she will be somewhere. When I was 15 I wouldn't of whilst parents in the house through fear of being caught.

My cousin is 17 and my nana insists on her keeping her door open. I laughed at my nana and told her by the time she got off the settee and hobbled her way upstairs they would have time for full foreplay sex and a shower after before she actually made it to the top if the stairs so there really was little point

bringmesunshine2009 · 02/09/2012 11:58

If they aren't doing it already, they will be soon. Not sure you should condone it, but be realistic.

Trioofprinces · 02/09/2012 12:02

Felicity -Blinking big leap from the 'type to coerce' to rapist
I would think most teenagers would try and persuade their oh to go to the next step, doesn't mean they'd force them in any way.

Mrbojangles1 · 02/09/2012 12:03

Do not listen to DrWhoTakeTwo i had sex whilest my mum, nan and cousin were downstairs and ened up with a baby door open if your down stairs i cant see what the issue would be

FelicitywasSarca · 02/09/2012 12:20

I don't think so, coerce is the same as rape no?

What if we were talking about two 25 year olds, he is trying to coerce her into having sex outside say? People would be screaming rape. It really isn't that different for teenagers.

Bottom line is, if he isn't a rapist he won't coerce her anyway.

Of course people in consensual relationships try and 'persuade' but both parties have the option of not being persuaded. Wherever they are. At any time.

MsElisaDay · 02/09/2012 12:42

All these posters saying she won't be doing any shagging if you're downstairs - I know it's not what you want to hear, but I wouldn't be too sure.
I was generally a "good" girl (which was probably why I was trusted to have my boyfriend in my room at 16, with the door closed), but I had sex with him, on the floor, while my whole family were downstairs! On several occasions, I'm quite embarrassed to add. God knows what I was thinking, my mum could have walked in at any time. But I was 16, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. (Daft as I may have been, it never did me any harm in the long run either. I was never caught, and the boyfriend got dumped when I went off to university)

The point is though, if she's going to have sex with her boyfriend, she's going to do it somewhere - whether there's a doors-open rule at home or not. If she can't do it at home, she'll just do it at his house/ in a car/ in the park/at a party/ wherever.

You've talked to her about being safe, and she knows she can come to you if she needs to. As to whether you make them open the door or not, that's up to you. If it's shut, she could well be having sex in there, if it's open, she'll only go elsewhere if she wants to do it.

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/09/2012 13:01

I grew up in the country and still have a fondness for al fresco sex. Lots of nice empty fields, secluded little copses by the river...

BarredfromhavingStella · 02/09/2012 13:04

Clearly Felicity you are quite bonkers & there is fuck all wrong with the statement I made-that is all.

FelicitywasSarca · 02/09/2012 13:09

hahahaha

I love a good MN Bollocking for no apparent reason.

If being a sex ed. teacher with extensive experience of teenagers and an academic interest in the teenage brain and decision making (competency), makes me bonkers I'm all for it tbh.

Here was me thinking the point of this discussion was a range of theories and ideas.

JustFabulous · 02/09/2012 13:15

I feel ancient. It never crossed my mind to have sex until I was married and I was told quite severely not too.
The boys weren't .

DoMeDon · 02/09/2012 13:22

Coerce is not the same as rape!! Coerce is 'if you loved me', 'everyone else is doing it', 'my bollocks will explode' - rape is RAPE! Massive difference. I have been coerced into it by DH after a few wines, never raped by him

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