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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my daughter 'misbehave' in dance class?

346 replies

mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 11:53

My DD is an only child. 2.5 yrs old and is the only grandchild on both sides.

As such, everywhere we go, it's all about her as everyone dotes on her.

She isn't at nursery yet as me and DP managed to split childcare/work between us.

She has not long started dance classes (tap,ballet,disco.) And she is loving it, but is prone to getting distracted and running around the class and trying to chat to the other toddlers. She also gets bored during the quiet ballet part and does her own thing.

On one hand, I don't want to intervene, out of fear that I 'squash' her confidence. My thinking is that once she is at nursery with more structured play with other toddlers that she will come into line.

On the other hand, I hate being the only one in the class with a noticeably willful toddler.

WWYD? Leave her to it and cringe inwardly or become more involved and do some hovering?

OP posts:
OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 01/09/2012 19:20

She sounds like a normal 2.5 year old to me.
Which is why I thinkm2.5 is way to young or dance classes.
:)

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 19:21

LeftTheBlimminWashing- i didn't mean that nasty opinions came from yourself. Just on here in general- realised how that could have been misconstrued!

FolkGirl, thankyou for the insight, I do agree. I ran a toddler group here until recently and was quite happy for some children not to take part in everything so long as they weren't disruptive. However, what is fine for me is not necessarily fine for everyone so I am going to check with the group leaders next week!

It is a tricky situation and I probably shouldn't have posted it in AIBU, but at least it's been an eye opener. (For all sorts of reasons!)

OP posts:
AllPastYears · 01/09/2012 19:23

I mentioned above my DD's experience at 2.5 of a ballet teacher who couldn't keep the kids' attention. Her sister started at 3 with a different ballet group - couldn't have been more different, the teacher engaged the kids and they all behaved beautifully. I don't think it was the 6 months age difference, I think it was the teacher. And if it's a teacher-led class for children rather than a class for children and their parents I do really think it's the teacher's job to deal with disruptive behaviour, and speak to parents if necessary, it's not for the parents to hover over their child then jump in and interrupt the class.

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 19:26

MrsMangle, I'd walk away as I think it's a terrible thing to say about a toddler. Genuinely. Not to mention that it's a toddler that they have never met nor do they know much about.
If I see a child having a tantrum or playing up on the street I wouldn't say to the mother 'Oh, they'll never have any friends if they do that'.
It's taking something out of context and is just a poisonous thing to say.
Not a quality that I like in a person.

And you're right. It is not too early to teach her that she isn't the centre of everything, as with every toddler, they have to learn to share and have empathy for others. That is the point that I have been banging on about for goodness knows how many posts.

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 01/09/2012 19:27

OP, could you answer my question please?

'OP, have any of the parents complained to you, sighed and rolled eyes, made pointed comments?
Or are they all smiling happily with 'Ahhh bless' expressions?'

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 19:29

AllPastYears, I tend to agree with that, but we've only been to this class a few times and so I wasn't sure of the lay of the land and whether it was my place to interfere.
It is a class for children and the parents are supposed to sit at the side. Some parents do get involved as their children are too shy to participate, I don't want to be barging in and causing any more disruption!

Like I said, shall speak to the dancing teacher/guru type and see what they think. It's a toddler class so I doubt it will be the strangest thing she's ever heard!

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 01/09/2012 19:29

I'm an only child. I used to do ballet at this age. My mother used to slap my legs to make me dance in the classes because I would rather have done anything else.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 01/09/2012 19:30

I don't think it was meant in a poisonous way mrscumberbatch. To be fair, your description of your daughter in your first post did give the impression that your daughter is a little spoilt. And like I said, the facts are that a spoilt child generally isn't popular. I think you've taken it a little too much to heart, which is understandable, but I think looking at the bigger picture we all want to make sure our children are brought up to be as sociable as possible and also so that other people do want to spend time with them. It might be cute and fun now that your daughter is the centre of everything, but in 5, 6, 7 years time if things don't change and she is left off party lists and not invited round to friends houses, you might feel differently.

If you've been banging on about the sharing and learning they're not the centre of the world for goodness knows how many posts, I don't understand why you posted your original post in the first place? Surely if you think it's important that she learns things aren't all about her then you know the answer to your own question in the first place?

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 01/09/2012 19:32

I would be interested in the answer to Wofflington's question too, OP

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 19:32

Woffling, I don't make a habit of watching the other parents as I'm usually eyes glued to DD. Especially as she'd been acting up during ballet, I was just waiting for her to start off again (although she didn't and I just sat tense and exasperated until the class finished!)

It's early days, but nobody has commented or sighed etc. I had one passing comment with a dad who said 'Don't worry, mine did that to me yesterday.' But most people are more interested in their own children rather than mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 19:33

MrsSchadenfreude. That is sad. I hope you managed to get onto a different hobby sharpish!

OP posts:
ThePigOnTheWall · 01/09/2012 19:38

Hello OP, I haven't read the thread but I can only imagine the kicking you're getting becuase, and I mean this in a friendly way, your OP is teeth itchingly annoying :o

You are mistaking giving your DD boundries and telling her "no!" with "squashing her confidence"

What will "squash her Confidence" is arriving at nursery to find that the other kids don't want to play with her because she's so egotistical / willful / wild and that the teachers are having to constantly discipline her for her behaviour. Best for you to gently guide her now - or else nursery is going to be one hell of a shock to her

And BTW, not all only children behave like this. You are setting her up to fulfil the stereotype of a spoilt only!

WofflingOn · 01/09/2012 19:41

So you are so focused on your daughter that you are oblivious to all the other parents in the room?
So if that's the case, why did you ask the question in the first place? I don't think you really care how she behaves as long as she's having fun, And she is.

Hulababy · 01/09/2012 19:44

But mrscumberbatch - it isn't about being heavy handed. believe me, heavy handed just isn't my style at all.And DD was and still is my PFB, still my only child too. But encouraging her to not run about and potentially cause distractions isn't about being heavy handed anyway, it's just teaching her some boundaries and teaching her to listen and join in - in a year or two you would be glad you started it earlier.

crackcrackcrak · 01/09/2012 19:53

Hi op - my thoughts on this are that I reckon most kids learn at some point how to participate in activities where you need to follow a teacher/the others etc. if they go to nursery anyway this probably isn't an alien concept. Perhaps the other kids in the class have either been to nursery or similar or other classes etc. if this is your dd very first experience of following a class I'm not surprised she struggles. That's not a criticism - just maybe that a dance class is a bit too demanding concentration wise if it's a first experience. If it isn't ignore me!

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 19:56

Yes Woffling, so long as my DD is having fun- screw everyone else. Hmm

I am not oblivious to other parents, or any human being in fact. I know that they are there and I communicate with some of them. I don't think it makes me a bad parent to not be monitoring the effect that my DD has on every person in a room. That's just weird.

PigOnTheWall. DD hears no. Boundaries are fine. What I was asking was that in this situation would you barrel in and deal with her or would you leave it to the group leaders? That was more the solutions that I was looking for, not 'OMG YOUR CHILD IS SPOILT!'. Which arguably she is and isn't.

Agreed with the gently guiding her to a better understanding of others around her and their needs. I'm hoping that the structure of nursery will allow her to put this into practice.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 19:59

crackcraccrak that was sort of my line of thinking as well. A few of the children came to the toddler group that we ran/went to and I know that they were all in nursery. None of the others were faces that I recognised so I wouldn't know.

The class is very laid back anyway which is why we chose that one over more demanding courses. I'm hoping that over time she willl get used to the concept! (And of course looking forward to her starting nursery in due course!)

OP posts:
ThePigOnTheWall · 01/09/2012 20:00

Well clearly there are no boundries at this class OP. Clearly nobody at the class is saying "no" to her

So then my advice would be - tell the teachers to handle her more firmly, and not let her run wild in class. Nobody needs to "barrel in" - but firmness is obviously required.

And I didn't say she was spoilt. I said that by saying "well that's just the way onlys are" you are setting her up to live up to that sterotype.

Pandemoniaa · 01/09/2012 20:01

Sometimes, it's not a question of whether a child is enjoying a class - you mention your DD getting excited about dance class and practicing - but more about whether a child is actually ready to attend. It may well be that in a few months time, your dd has the concentration and understanding of what's required although equally, it may well be that ballet won't suit her.

However, it won't squash her confidence (of which she appears to have a plentiful supply) if you need to remind her that she cannot run around randomly interrupting other children who are trying to concentrate.

I'd be inclined to talk to the teacher. Ask her, frankly, whether your dd's behaviour is disruptive or not. Most teachers would prefer not to have to read the riot act - especially to little ones - and certainly they'd prefer parents to recognise and deal with inappropriate behaviour rather than have to point it out to them. When I say "inappropriate" I mean the sort of disruption that spoils the class for other children.

3littlefrogs · 01/09/2012 20:02

TBH I wouldn't voluntarily take my 2 yr old anywhere that made me feel tense and anxious.

There is already so much tension and anxiety involved in parenting (teenagers anyone?). I was much happier collecting sticks and leaves and feeding the ducks. Grin

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 01/09/2012 20:03

mrscumberbatch, I think if you hadn't have said 'everything is about her' in your first post then many people would not have mentioned your daughter being spoilt. To be fair, you did describe her as spoilt in a roundabout way

scottishmummy · 01/09/2012 20:05

fwuw took mine to music/dance.be ever again
other little pwincesses graceful and composed
mine were snottery and couldn't sit still

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 20:05

Pig. Agreed re: boundaries. Will be having words with teacher as I said upthread.

Sorry-there was a lot of general threadbashing about her being spoilt. I didn't mean that you had said that yourself.

I wouldn't want to justify her behaviour by saying 'Oh she's an only child' but sometimes I find it gives me a greater understanding of why she is behaving a certain way. Obviously not everything naughty she does is because she's an only child but I can understand how she is currently relating to things due to her circumstances.

Pandemoniaa point taken. Will definitely be speaking to teacher, they have run toddler classes for a long time so I'd imagine they are well versed on subjects like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 20:10

MrsMangel, I said 'everything is about her' meaning that things generally due revolve around her. Her GP's are always excited to see her and take her places as are her Aunts and Uncles. She's the only GC so of course it is all about her!

I don't think she is necessarily 'spoiled'. Her GP's can be a bit indulgent with outings etc, but we're an average family so there are obvious boundaries. Also there is absolutely no way her GP's would take her out as many places if she were misbehaving.

OP posts:
WerthersUnOriginal · 01/09/2012 20:20

I took my dt's to a singing group years ago at about this age. Ds spent most of the class trying to fiddle about with the leaders tape recorder or scuffing about at the end of the room. All that told me was that they were too young for anything structured at that point so I left it a while before we went back and could join in properly.

I can see that activities for pre-schoolers is probably going to mean a bit of disruptive behaviour but really if it's too persistant why spoil it for the others who may be a little older or able to manage it? I don't think it's a discipline thing so much at this age as perhaps just being old enough. A year/18 mths more down the line can make all the difference. But if someone is offering a 'class' for 2 yr olds then they should have the ability to cope with it. If not I think the parent needs to be realistic and come back later.

One thing does jump out though in th OP - 'As such, everywhere we go, it's all about her as everyone dotes on her.'

Oh dear...pass the smelling salts.